biological clock goes "tick tick tick"

usually when i think of having a kid i think of babies. which was a clear sign that i'm not ready to have kids. because i was so not interested in anything after the baby stage. but lately i've been thinking about 3 and 4 yr olds. i had a dream i had a son around that age. and i was just in awe of him. and i learned so much from him. then in a flash he was a grown man. college aged. he was a big handsome boy, very tall and strong and he was very loyal to me. he was a mama's boy. i loved it :)

then today i dreamt about having a kid between 8 and 10. and just talking to them and teaching them things. trying to be a good mom. and hear them out. not talking at them but talking to them. trying to instill certain things in them to keep the safe. i also thought about what i can do so that they can come to me with their problems and tell me about their lives. i don't want to have the relationship that i had with my mom. i think, because of the way she was raised, that she was unable to show her emotions very well. there were lots of things that just weren't talked about. i want to be more open with my kids. and listen to them more and not judge them. which is easier said than done. we all know that we resort back to the way we were brought up. we never want to become our mothers, but we always do. but thank god for ed. he's my rock. i'm so glad i get to raise children with him. he's gonna be an amazing parent i know he will raise a remarkable child.

i even thought about when the kid goes off to college which one of us would take him/her and get them set up.

so if i'm thinking like this maybe it shows growth. maybe i'm maturing. now i look at kids and instead of just thinking "aww how cute" i think i want to give them so much love.

how funny. me and the girls were at a playground today talking about kids. and i was saying how i dread the thought of trick or treating with my kids or having to take them to disney because its such a hassle. ugh what a pain in the ass. but then we saw this really adorable little 2 or 3 yr old playing by himself in the playground and my heart just melted. i said "ok, i'll take them to disneyworld". :)

on a totally diff subject, today i felt the urge to go for a walk in the park or have a picnic. we ended up going to a fancy sandwich shop. i was dissappointed because they didn't have any fruit. i was jonzing for something cool and refreshing. instead i ended up with something hot and melty. so when i came home i stopped at the store for some fruit. then went i got home i was thirsty. i drank water (yes water!! and ate fruit). my body must have really been craving it.

anyway this is what i had for dinner. let me just say i've been eating JUNK for like 2 weeks straight and i'm sooooo sick of it. i need a detox. this was my dinner.

it was an egg and cheese sandwich, a bowl of cracklin oat bran with berries and an IBC black cherry soda. :) yum!