eat more dingus!!!

turns out the reason i was a miserable fucking cow for 2 months is because i haven't been eating enough!! i've been reducing my calories like an asshole when i should have been feeding my body and feeding my muscles. now that i'm back to doing what i started doing in the first place (the macros system works if you let it!!!) its so much easier. i get to EAT. and i was starving. i don't feel deprived, depressed, i feel alert and i am actually craving healthier food. go figure. i'm generally more pleasant. and more able to take on this fukacta schedule.

not even gonna sweat the scale right now. i think its gonna take my body time to adjust to the extra calories and realize its getting what it needs and therefore will start shedding it. i'm doing well exercise wise. i burn 400 cals a day 5 days a week. eventually i will go back in the right direction. its a lot more doable now. focus on fueling my body (soooo much more doable now, macros are very doable and no deprivation involved) building muscle and i have to keep on with the cardio and start challenging myself with the cardio the way i do with the weights. if i really wanna burn fat. i suck at that though. i hate shit that makes me huff and puff. i hate that feeling.

as for my fatigue, i can't say for sure yet because it has a tendancy to go away and come back a week later so i won't know for sure till some time has passed. but right now there's a WORLD of difference. and if i think about it....the times when i had more energy were the weeks after i allowed myself to pig out on the weekends. getting more calories in gave me more energy. i can't believe i was pushing my body every day without fueling it. i can't imagine how much damage i did.

i found this EXTREMELY helpful. it answered all my questions.
http://iifym.com/why-does-your-calculator-tell-me-to-eat-so-many-calories/

i used this calculator
http://iifym.com/iifym-calculator/

last night in bed ed and i were talking about how glad we are that this 9 week semester is almost over. only one more full week. then we get 4th of july off and that whole weekend together. then half a week. then we have 5 days together, including the hotel/spa days. ahhh.....then..pretty much right after that starts orientation for next semester. thats so fucking depressing. for both of us. this schedule is so hard on both of us but especially me. holding down the fort. having benji all day, no car, trying to workout, clean and on top of that i'm chronically fatigued. i will be honest, i don't know if i can do another 9 weeks. i really don't. i feel like it was super hard for us and....put a real strain on our marriage. not to mention a physical and mental strain on ourselves. personally i don't think its worth it. even he is starting to see that now. i really just want him to quit this stupid job. i'm trying to be supportive but at what cost???? our relationship is suffering. i'm suffering. not to mention he is missing out on benji's milestones.

sigh...

i worked so hard this week. and i gained. i gained. sigh......

it has to be muscle. i lifted HEAVY and i can feel my arms are more defined. which is awesome. but the scale is fucking me up. plus i'm not seeing myself getting thinner at all. i look puffy and fluffy. i hate it. sometimes it feels like i'll never make it to my goal.

it was easier when i kept seeing results. that was before i got more serious with the weights. i've vowed to concentrate more on cardio and keep weights to twice a week. thats all i really need. back/shoulders and bi/tri.

i bought some dance workout stuff for some fun cardio. but i'm gonna try T25 which is a lot more serious. its just hard because something is wrong with me. i'm tired. i mean....it goes in waves. it seems to happen every 2 weeks....i hit this wall and my energy drops so low that i can't even do simple things. like this week was another bad week. i forced myself to get through every workout. thursday i hit the wall and just started to cry bc the thought of doing the things i have to do every night with the baby seemed so overwhelming bc i didn't have the energy to do anything.

at first i thought it was iron. so i started getting more consistent with my supplements. and it went away so i thought that was it. but then it came back again. then went away again, then came back. i really need to see a doctor. i know there must be something wrong with me. it might be all the caffeine messing up my body...sigh...its such a crutch for me.

2 weeks ago my weight went up on the scale. last week was BAD so i didn't bother to weigh. but this week i worked so hard, and made sure my calories were low and burned at least 400 calories daily. and i thought i would see the scale go down. nope up again. its very discouraging and frustrating. sigh...its hard to work so hard and be so disciplined when it feels like its for nothing. at this rate i don't think i will get to my goal by september. i've been doing this march but i've been serious about getting in shape since jan. unfortunately i do have a time limit to do this. i need to get rid of the panni and get preggers again because i'm already 34. sigh.....

i'm going to do this cardio plan. and hope that it makes a difference. i really need this. i need to see results. also i really need to see a doctor because fast paced cardio is really difficult for me lately when i have no energy.  thats why i've been avoiding it. if i do cardio its LONG low impact stuff. i need more short intense stuff.

Taking a voluntary leave of absence from social media (or what i like to call social rehab) and its been tough. Especially when I can't put my every thought out there for everyone to see. like who is going to know how yummy this coffee is?

i have to express myself somehow or i just go crazy. so i dusted off this old blog. i'm sure no one bothers to read this anymore which is a good thing because interaction is not the best thing for my rehab. just writing to write. also i don't feel like updating my whole life since my last post.


i just really wanna say this....

the best most surprising times i've had were times when i didn't expect anything. expectations are killers of good things. they make you only see the "bad" things. i have to make a conscious effort to let go of all expectations. to walk into each situation with a blank slate and accept the gifts life has to give me.

Baby Benji

Sorry guys! Didn't think anyone really read this anymore. But since Sarah left me a comment wanting to know, i'm updating you on the baby.

Benjamin Thomas Toro

He was born on his due date 12-12-12 after 52 hours of labor. All natural childbirth, no drugs. Not in a hospital, in a birthing center. Labored in the tub for hours and ended up having him in the bed. Really proud of myself and my body. Because i have a low threshold for pain AND bc the original OBGYN i saw said i was high risk bc i have WLS. which is BS because the two things have nothing to do with each other. well guess what, i had a perfectly normal natural pregnancy and birth. no issues at all. everything went perfect. so that just goes to show you, doctors aren't always right. if it was up to the OB i probably would have ended up with an unnecessary c-section.

Benji is 3 months now and so yummy i could eat him up. he gets cuter and smilier every day.

why no one truly can relate

i can never find someone who really gets me. they might get some of me, but not all of me. i'm different. and here's why....

-i had wls (the sleeve)
-i have PCOS
-i'm giving birth at a birthing center
-i'm having a water birth
-i have vaginismus
-i suck my finger and curl my hair. it soothes me.

these are things that set me apart from other people. some people might understand one or two things, but not all of it. thats why i'll never truly fit in. thats why i'm on my own. thats why when ppl try to tell me what i should be doing i have to take it with a grain of salt. because they don't really know my situation.

me at 7 months (baby shower)