Going through a transitional phase and doing a lot of thinking

Ok this post may be all over the place as my thoughts have been all over the place as of late but I'll try to keep it organized.

me vs me - my split personality

I've written in the past about have two sides to me (the gemini in me). there's the roodboi/ska/i'mcool side and there's the mommy/grown up/appropriate side. And they often battle each other. I tend to go back and forth between them and they seem to consume me one at a time. There's never a balance there. They both want all of me. I guess the roodboi side is my youth/my past, and the grown up side is my future. I want to strap on my adult boots and go out there and be a mommy and have a house and do all that stuff. But the young side of me doesn't want to give me up. Thats why I sometimes have freakouts about my age or what I'm doing with my life. And as much as I want children I sometimes freak out that this will mean the end of my life as that other person. Then again I used to think marriage was the end of my life. That I had to be a completely different person. But that wasn't true at all. I was me, just with someone awesome always by my side. So right now I'm at a stage where I'm giving in to the grown up side and my youth side is kicking and screaming and clawing to try to hold on. Getting grey hairs, wrinkles, and being called "señora" isn't helping either. I don't mind getting these things. I've never been superficial about my looks at all. But the thing that bothers me is that I still see myself as a little girl. I was always the smallest, and I found comfort there. Now my appearance is changing but I still feel like the same little girl. I don't want to be one of those delusional women you see on "What Not to Wear" acting like i'm 17 when I'm 40. Jesus. But it looks like thats where I might be heading. I need to grow up. But there's a lot of stuff about me thats cool. I think I'll be able to relate to my kids and have fun with them because i'm a giant kid inside. So who knows. This is just something I've been thinking about a lot.


Having kids

The other day I said to ed "I want a baby" and he said "i know". I said "when can we have one" and he said "I'm ready when you are". This of course made my heart melt. We had a long talk in March about life and how he was afraid of change and that getting a house and starting a family were huge things that would be hard work. I appreciated him telling me how he felt. But we both agreed that I came into his life and made things happen. I forced him to get furniture, if it wasn't for me he would still be living out of boxes. He's perfectly happy letting everything stay the way it is. In a straight line. But I'm all about making things happen (i leap before i look sometimes) and if we don't move forward we'll just be stuck in a rut. We have to take risks in life, otherwise life is boring. So after that talk I think we both felt better. He knew it was time to take another leap. So the fact that he said he was ready just made my heart so incredibly happy. I've been so patient (you don't even know) which is hard for someone so impulsive like me, about having a baby. But now I can't contain these feelings anymore. Its time. I know it is. I can feel it. And its getting to the point where all the goals I wanted to reach before I got pregnant are becoming less and less important. So I decided that when we get a house, move in and get settled, we will start trying for a baby. I'm hoping it will be in the next 6 months. Because I will be pregnant by the end of the year, house or not. I'm so happy and so excited that this will FINALLY be the year. I think about my future children all the time. What I want to do with them, how i'll raise them, etc etc. I don't think anyone I know will have put this much thought into having kids or wanted them as bad as I do. Especially knowing it will probably be difficult to conceive with PCOS. But I know that when I get pregnant it will be a true blessing.

But...there is still that part of me, i would say 10% of me, that is having doubts. I'm just afraid to end up in my 40s doing some shit job being bored with life and being miserable. I just see all these people in their 40s who have teenage kids who just seem like they're going through the motions of life. And I also think...god..this is it. Once I have kids i've crossed over to the other side. adulthood. I'll officially be uncool (to my kids). no going back. Also, what the hell am i getting myself into? i'll never sleep again! can i do this? i don't know! but like i said, thats just 10% of me.


House issues
So as you can imagine I'm working hard to find a house. but its SUPER bleak. once we realized that 225k is our budget it really limited our selection. everything is crap. our only choice is short sales but i haven't been able to find any decent ones. we may have to move waaaaay south :( i'm at the point where i don't know whether to wait it out till something i like comes up or to settle for something i don't really like because its a "starter home". or should i bite the bullet and move south and be far from my family and friends??? sigh i don't know. :(



anyway this is all the stuff thats on my mind. meanwhile the cool stuff, like mission ska, is falling by the waist side because my mind is elsewhere. I still love it, I just can't devote much time to it. I wish i had someone to help me keep it running. i'm good at starting things. really good. bad at maintaining and/or finishing them.