remembering things from my childhood

unfortunately i have my mother's temper and her pension for type A behavior. its funny, i'm a control freak but i'm also a slob. isn't that weird? can you be both? i wish i could just chill out and go with the flow like ed. i probably would enjoy life more. but its hard to fight what comes naturally to you. i have to make a conscious effort. i noticed that once my mom let go she became a much more pleasant person to be around.

there was a time in high school when i thought she honest to goodness hated me. like i was a mistake and she wished i was never born. i know now that thats not true. but at the time she had so much anger towards me. high school years were rough. i was trying to rebel, she was trying to control me.

i'm scared of those traits that she passed along. control and a temper. i'm so scared to take that out on my children. i have to devise a plan for when i feel myself getting too worked up. like...a breathing technique or a pillow. or something. as a kid i have taken my anger out on pets. and i felt so guilty for that. its not right. i don't want to pass that on to my children. i know that i get overwhelmed. especially with lots of noises because its hard for me to focus. so when i have two people trying to talk to me at the same time i get overwhelmed. so imagine kids screaming mommy mommy all the time. how will i handle that? motherhood will be a challenge. i feel like i'll either get out of control with my kids or go the opposite way and have them be out of control all the time. no there has to be a happy medium. i refuse to let my kids run amuck like little animals with no discipline. i hate that shit. maybe i was a little scared of my mom at times but i respected her. and i grew up to have good manners and a healthy fear of authority. though it does have its downside. i became a sheep. a follower. in life. its hard to break out of that shell. i wait for people to tell me what to do. i need people to tell me how to do things. i depend on people. there has to be a happy medium.

well anyway these were just thoughts i had this morning...