trying not to beat myself up

but its not working.

i didn't know i was going to be defective. but i am. its gotten worse over the years. and now he's stuck with me. its hard to feel positive and hopeful and determined to find a solution when instead of understanding and support you get lectured by someone who's obviously sexually frustrated. so now the berating begins. inside my head. i don't blame him. i'm obviously the freak. and if we broke up. he would move on and find someone great and be happy. and i would be the defective freak for the rest of my life. what did i do to deserve being this way? no warning. wish i could just be normal. i look at pictures of myself as a teenager, i had my whole life ahead of me.

i need to learn to depend on myself. because i will probably end up alone. i've had a free ride up till now. i have to really ask myself whats going on? i can't blame it all on him. he's obviously perfect. he can talk his way out of anything. ugh i'm sick of being made to feel like the child in this relationship. i should have lived on my own at some point. supported myself. i never did that. i just went from my parents to him. he takes good care of me. but i don't know if he respects me or just sees me as someone he has to take care of. there's a definite compromise to living this way. in exchange for being taken care of i get people telling me i do nothing all day, i have to ask for permission to buy things, i really can't complain about things, i'm not looked up to, i'm not taken very seriously. but of course i'm crazy, i don't think rationally, i'm overemotional so i'm making this all up and i'm overly dramatic.

if i lived alone and supported myself it would be hard but it would have its perks. but i would be lonely. because lets face it, i'm a relationship girl. regardless of how well he'd do without me, i would be miserable without him. things were so much easier the first 4 years. relationships are hard. i wish he would say nice things to me once in a while. be romantic every now and then. but thats just not him. i can live with that. but me being defective is too much. deadlines are too much. the harsh reality of how my problem will affect our relationship and our future is too much for me. and you don't understand how i could feel hopeless. when will you get fed up and leave me? you're already imagining a bleak future with me. you don't want it. i don't want it. is this just a rough patch?