Confessions and realizations

So I went to Disney. And you know all those healthy snacks I packed? They're all still in the bag.

So here begins my confession. Friday I did great. Ate half my breakfast in the morning, drove 2.5 hours, got hungry had a cold cut lettuce roll up, then munched on my snacks. Then drove 2.5 more hours later that night. I was starving for real food. Then was left with only one choice, mcdonalds. So I got a 6 piece nuggets and ate 3. I was satisfied and didn't feel bad about it.

Then saturday came. I wanted a nice sit down breakfast....they wanted mcdonalds. :( sigh....fine. My husband and I shared a big breakfast with hot cakes. I turned my biscuit, eggs, and sausage into a sausage mcmuffin. I ate half of it and half of a hash brown. Wow. I haven't eat mcdonalds in soooo many months and now twice in 24 hours? I didn't like that. But it was gonna be a long day and I needed breakfast.

At the park I had some popcorn. It was my first time eating popcorn since b4 surgery. I had been wanting some for a long time but always stayed away. I was shocked how easy it went down. Dangerous. It was so good though. I really enjoyed it. I also had some of those sugary coated almonds. Pretty bad. Later on I had a piece of turkey leg (small piece) that was probably the best thing i ate at the park (health wise). Then around 8pm we went to this seafood counter service place. I got a tuna sandwich. HUGE FAIL. that shit got stuck something fierce. It sucked because i was so hungry. Everyone was done and I was still waiting for it to go down. So I told them all to leave and go do the rides and i would catch up with them. My husband stayed with me. I was finally able to eat 1 fishstick and a bite of an apple crisp dessert thingy. But i was very grateful for that fishstick. Then around 12am i had some more popcorn. And that was it. Then around 2am when we got back to the house we were staying at i had some potato chips!

Then on Sunday we went to Downtown Disney for "breakfast". yeah right it was 1pm before we left to go there. Naturally I was starving. I think I finished off the last of the small bag of chips and some grapes. We went to planet hollywood. They ordered a starter plate and we were all starved. I had one of them that was a tortilla (about the size of a potato skin) with bbq chicken and covered in melted cheese. OMG pure heaven. And went down beautifully. Then I tried to have a fajita. Another fail. So I ended up just eating the chicken. Only about 2 strips. Meh. Not very flavorful. The appetizer was way better. Glad I was able to have some of it. Then we walked around a bit. Really nice around there. And I wanted an italian ice. I wanted something cool and refreshing because it was hot out. So I got a small one. It was good for about a minute. But there was so much food coloring in it, i could taste it. Ugh. Then we drove 2.5 hours to ft meyers. I was hungry. We had eaten "breakfast" around 3pm and it was 8pm when we got to ft meyers. It was a sunday night....we were trying to meet up with my husband's other brother for dinner. Before I know it, its 10pm and everything is closed. So guess what, we eat pizza. I had a slice of pepperoni and sausage. Then this morning before we left I had to make breakfast out of whatever my mother in law had in the fridge. ALL GREASY FROZEN FOOD. ALL OF IT!! I made eggs, tater tots, a bagel and a waffle for my husband. I ate about 4 tater tots...GROSS! I felt the grease on the roof of my mouth. So disgusting. On the drive home I had the last of my 2nd slice of pizza.

And thats it!!! It was bad. I make no excuses. I accept full responsibility for it all. But its over. I expect to gain some weight from this and thats ok because I will lose it again because its back to routine tomorrow. One thing I can say is that even though I ate junk, I could never eat much of it. I love my sleeve! Thank you Jesus. lol.

Those are my confessions. My realizations? I don't like eating junk. I missed cooking. I missed having that control. I missed eating fresh healthy food. Junk makes you feel gross. I felt like my face was getting fatter and fatter. I really crave good fresh foods. And I'm so happy to be back home and getting back to good food. I'm so glad that my little detour into junkland wasn't a relapse for me.

Sometimes I have issues when I go to ft meyers. Well...no..i always have issues. All my husband's family is there. And it always ends up happening. His family always wants to do something that I don't want to do. And he's very go with the flow and I'm picky and needy and controlling. So he ends up snapping at me and I usually end up bashing myself in my head. I say "you're an awful person, no one likes you, you always ruin everything" things like that. But you know what? This time when it happened, I didn't beat myself up. I just didn't hate myself. I'm sorry but I think I'm pretty amazing. I am doing so well that i just can't bring myself to hate on myself. I see no reason to. Before I guess it was easy because I knew I was doing bad things in my life and I was depressed about it. But I'm doing so well now. Also  I'm very proud of myself  for what happened the other day. My husband really upset me with something that he said, I went to the gym so depressed I didn't want to do anything. He totally ruined my mood. And when that happens, forget it, its stays ruined the rest of the day. But I started to listen to some music and walk around the pool. The songs I was listening to were very empowering. Talking about being independent and not letting haters bring you down. And I love my husband but if he wants to be a hater at times then I need to brush him off. Because in the end I can only count on myself. I can't let people have that much power over me. I am beginning to feel more empowered from this whole surgery experience. I'm so much stronger than I thought and I amaze myself.

Also I'm very proud of the fact that as bad as I ate this weekend,  I didn't have not one french fry. And I had many many opportunities. French fries are my fav and my weakness. So that was one triumph for me.

I have made so many strides physically but I have a lot of work to do on myself internally. I need to work on my issues. Not even food related, all the other stuff. My self esteem depends on others and not on myself. Thats why anyone can make me really happy or really devastated just by what they say or how they act. I can't give people this much power. I need to find happiness in myself. I need to build myself up inside, and be stronger so that I don't have to depend on others, just on myself. If I can make myself stronger and more complete then I can give more to others. I can love my husband and family better. This is a long journey and I've only just begun. But I like what I see already. I look forward to bettering myself.

disney

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eating on the road

Yesterday was rough. I only got in 32oz of water. Why? Because i pretty much spent the entire day on the road.

In the morning i drank 1 bottle of water. Then i tried to have an egg and cheese sandwich on half an english muffin but i could only finish half bc of all the water i drank. So we drove to ft meyers....an hour in i realized we forgot our disney tix so we had to come back! So what should have taken 2.5 hours took us 4. By the time we got to my MIL's house at 5 i was starving. I ate this cold cut lettuce wrap i made. Small but very filling. Then an hour later i had like 10 grapes. My husband had 2 burgers and tater tots that his momm made him. I didnt eat. Dumb. I should have realized snacks arent enough. I need real food. Around 8 i was hungry again. I had 5 pepperoni chips, a string cheese and 1 low carb cookie. Then we went off to orlando.

Cut to 11pm and i'm starving. We get there, get settled in and i realize everyone is just going to bed. I down another bottle of water. Thank god my sister in law asked me if i was ok. I told her i was starving. At this point i would have been perfectly happy going to 7 eleven and getting a can of soup. She told me there was a 24 hour mcdonalds and suddenly everyone was hungry. Lol. I didnt want mcdonalds on principle but the fact is i was starving so it was sounding pretty good to me.

I got a 6 piece nuggets. I ate 3 and was very satisfied. I thought i would feel guilty. Like a failure for having mcdoonalds after more than 3 months. But you know what? I dont. This is the real world and its not perfect. You gotta deal. And i think i dealt reallly well. I am actually very proud of myself.

Im sure today (the day we go to the park) will be filled with not the best foods. But i will make the best choices i can. I wont go crazy. And when i get back home its back to normal. So im gonna go with the flow.

And getting full on so little is so liberating. Btw i'm typing this from my phone while laying in bed. So forgive the typos. I'm going to disney! Yayy!!

Ps. My sis in law wants to go to cracker barrel for breakfast. I've never been.

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I'm going to Disney, any pointers?

Hey guys, I'm going to Disney this weekend. Really we'll only be there Saturday. Any pointers for me?

I am bringing snacks (trailmix, protein bars, grapes, nuts, cheese sticks) and crystal light to go. Is it gonna be a problem to bring this stuff in my bag to the park? They sell water bottles at the park right?

Any suggestions of where I should have lunch? I don't think we'll be able to have lunch at any of the nice sit down places because we're going with a family of 5 and they don't have much in the way of funds. So we'll probably eat at one of those pizza/hot dog/ burger spots.

Any info/tips/advice you can give me about disney would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

You were right about lettuce.

I can eat lettuce just fine. woohoo!! :) fish is misleading. at first it was like i can eat fish. fish is flaky, it'll treat me right. so i went out and bought every different kind of fish known to man. what did i learn?

stay away from cod and halibut!!!! salmon could go either way. tilapia is sadly a no go. and sole while it seems like its perfect, is just ok. i can force myself to get in 3 oz. but its a rough ride. why do i try to force myself to eat 3 oz of meat? i probably shouldn't. but i really need those numbers for my protein.

chicken is great. dark meat preferably. juicy meat. perhaps slow cooked  or in some sauce. chicken is a lot nicer to chew than fish. and chicken has always gone down nice for me. i can't eat much of it, not 3oz, because its so dense i get full quick. but i have no problems with it.

steak? i ate it once. a very expensive cut of tenderloin. sliced thin. it was just fine! i could probably slice it thinner though. however, this is expensive. too expensive to have on the regular. and frankly i'm afraid to try a cheaper cut.

so whats the easiest one for me to eat? shellfish. mainly, shrimp. shrimp has gone down easy from the begining and i have never had a problem. it might take me a while but i can do 3oz of shrimp.

Things that go down easy:

Cheese
Water
Nuts
Egg whites

Things that go down hard and get stuck:

Eggs
Wontons/pastries


Thats all i can think of right now. I'm sure there's more. I'm sure I'll add to the list. What about you guys? What's something that goes down easy for you? Whats something  that doesn't get along with your band (or sleeve if any of you are sleeved)? Whats something that you thought would go one way but surprised you by going another way?

my christmas goal

i really really want to be in onederland by christmas eve. christmas eve is HUGE in our family. its the one time of year that our huge extended family gets together and all the cousins i never see all come down. so this will be the big reveal. and i want it to be a BIG reveal. I want to be in onderland and i'll do everything I can to make that happen.

I'm 216.5lbs as of last friday. I'm hoping I can lose 17 lbs in 2 months. Sounds easy enough right? But I've been losing .5lbs-2lbs a week. so at this rate i might barely make it. i've been working out 5-7 days a week for 3 weeks now and i plan to continue. i've been building muscle which might be fudging the numbers on the scale. but still. i hope my body kicks in and says "ok this is whats going on, i get it now" and the weight starts to come off. i know it will happen eventually. this working out thing does not show fast results. the results come later but in the meantime i have to keep it up.

anyway i really really really really hope i can reach my goal for xmas. i want to wear a fantastic dress and just blow everyone away. right now i think my weight loss is noticeable enough that someone might look at me and go....hmm...you look nice. or "you're looking good". and again there are some friends that i haven't seen since i was 40lbs heavier and neither of them said a word. that bugged me. so while being noticeable is fine i wanna be like WOW! i want people to have a definite reaction. i can always count on my family though. last christmas i showed up weighing 260lbs (down from 282lbs the previous year) and they were all gaga over me. i think it was my new snazzy haircut though. which reminds me, i should def get a nice haircut before christmas eve. i want to look my absolute best!! i want lots of attention.

anyway thats what i think about alot. how good its gonna feel to get that attention and look fabulous. and i'm gonna bust my ass to get there.

woohoo! weigh in day

i have a follow up with the surgeon today and its weigh in day. and i have been losing very little. Don't know if it was a stall or if I'm a slow loser but since last month i lost 2lbs, then 1lb, and I weighed myself today and i lost 4.5lbs since last week!! wooohooo!!

you guys....i weigh 216.5 lbs!!!!!!!! i don't even remember the last time i weighed that. the most i ever lost was 30lbs and i surpassed that (i started at 262lbs)  and the lowest i got in the last 10yrs was 230lbs and i totally passed that! omg and i'm barely 2 months out! yes this is indeed a celebration my friends. because the weight is starting to come off. i have been working out every day for 3 weeks. and its starting to show. do you realize i only have 16.5lbs to lose to get into onderland??!!! ahh!! i can surely do this by christmas. i'm thinking even by thanksgiving. this is beyond amazing.

thank you lord! thank you sleeve. hmm..i don't have a name for my sleeve...gotta get on that. anyway they'll probably say something like..you only lost 7lbs in a month? thats bad. you should lose 30lbs a month. (yeah they actually said that once). but i would just say look..i'm happy because i know i've been doing everything right and i know things will start moving now. i'm already noticing loose skin eeeeverywhere. its so strange.

the sucky part is i'm still having problems getting enough protein. so i know the hair will start to fall out right around the holidays. bummer huh? perhaps i should invest in some festive hats?