Confessions and realizations

So I went to Disney. And you know all those healthy snacks I packed? They're all still in the bag.

So here begins my confession. Friday I did great. Ate half my breakfast in the morning, drove 2.5 hours, got hungry had a cold cut lettuce roll up, then munched on my snacks. Then drove 2.5 more hours later that night. I was starving for real food. Then was left with only one choice, mcdonalds. So I got a 6 piece nuggets and ate 3. I was satisfied and didn't feel bad about it.

Then saturday came. I wanted a nice sit down breakfast....they wanted mcdonalds. :( sigh....fine. My husband and I shared a big breakfast with hot cakes. I turned my biscuit, eggs, and sausage into a sausage mcmuffin. I ate half of it and half of a hash brown. Wow. I haven't eat mcdonalds in soooo many months and now twice in 24 hours? I didn't like that. But it was gonna be a long day and I needed breakfast.

At the park I had some popcorn. It was my first time eating popcorn since b4 surgery. I had been wanting some for a long time but always stayed away. I was shocked how easy it went down. Dangerous. It was so good though. I really enjoyed it. I also had some of those sugary coated almonds. Pretty bad. Later on I had a piece of turkey leg (small piece) that was probably the best thing i ate at the park (health wise). Then around 8pm we went to this seafood counter service place. I got a tuna sandwich. HUGE FAIL. that shit got stuck something fierce. It sucked because i was so hungry. Everyone was done and I was still waiting for it to go down. So I told them all to leave and go do the rides and i would catch up with them. My husband stayed with me. I was finally able to eat 1 fishstick and a bite of an apple crisp dessert thingy. But i was very grateful for that fishstick. Then around 12am i had some more popcorn. And that was it. Then around 2am when we got back to the house we were staying at i had some potato chips!

Then on Sunday we went to Downtown Disney for "breakfast". yeah right it was 1pm before we left to go there. Naturally I was starving. I think I finished off the last of the small bag of chips and some grapes. We went to planet hollywood. They ordered a starter plate and we were all starved. I had one of them that was a tortilla (about the size of a potato skin) with bbq chicken and covered in melted cheese. OMG pure heaven. And went down beautifully. Then I tried to have a fajita. Another fail. So I ended up just eating the chicken. Only about 2 strips. Meh. Not very flavorful. The appetizer was way better. Glad I was able to have some of it. Then we walked around a bit. Really nice around there. And I wanted an italian ice. I wanted something cool and refreshing because it was hot out. So I got a small one. It was good for about a minute. But there was so much food coloring in it, i could taste it. Ugh. Then we drove 2.5 hours to ft meyers. I was hungry. We had eaten "breakfast" around 3pm and it was 8pm when we got to ft meyers. It was a sunday night....we were trying to meet up with my husband's other brother for dinner. Before I know it, its 10pm and everything is closed. So guess what, we eat pizza. I had a slice of pepperoni and sausage. Then this morning before we left I had to make breakfast out of whatever my mother in law had in the fridge. ALL GREASY FROZEN FOOD. ALL OF IT!! I made eggs, tater tots, a bagel and a waffle for my husband. I ate about 4 tater tots...GROSS! I felt the grease on the roof of my mouth. So disgusting. On the drive home I had the last of my 2nd slice of pizza.

And thats it!!! It was bad. I make no excuses. I accept full responsibility for it all. But its over. I expect to gain some weight from this and thats ok because I will lose it again because its back to routine tomorrow. One thing I can say is that even though I ate junk, I could never eat much of it. I love my sleeve! Thank you Jesus. lol.

Those are my confessions. My realizations? I don't like eating junk. I missed cooking. I missed having that control. I missed eating fresh healthy food. Junk makes you feel gross. I felt like my face was getting fatter and fatter. I really crave good fresh foods. And I'm so happy to be back home and getting back to good food. I'm so glad that my little detour into junkland wasn't a relapse for me.

Sometimes I have issues when I go to ft meyers. Well...no..i always have issues. All my husband's family is there. And it always ends up happening. His family always wants to do something that I don't want to do. And he's very go with the flow and I'm picky and needy and controlling. So he ends up snapping at me and I usually end up bashing myself in my head. I say "you're an awful person, no one likes you, you always ruin everything" things like that. But you know what? This time when it happened, I didn't beat myself up. I just didn't hate myself. I'm sorry but I think I'm pretty amazing. I am doing so well that i just can't bring myself to hate on myself. I see no reason to. Before I guess it was easy because I knew I was doing bad things in my life and I was depressed about it. But I'm doing so well now. Also  I'm very proud of myself  for what happened the other day. My husband really upset me with something that he said, I went to the gym so depressed I didn't want to do anything. He totally ruined my mood. And when that happens, forget it, its stays ruined the rest of the day. But I started to listen to some music and walk around the pool. The songs I was listening to were very empowering. Talking about being independent and not letting haters bring you down. And I love my husband but if he wants to be a hater at times then I need to brush him off. Because in the end I can only count on myself. I can't let people have that much power over me. I am beginning to feel more empowered from this whole surgery experience. I'm so much stronger than I thought and I amaze myself.

Also I'm very proud of the fact that as bad as I ate this weekend,  I didn't have not one french fry. And I had many many opportunities. French fries are my fav and my weakness. So that was one triumph for me.

I have made so many strides physically but I have a lot of work to do on myself internally. I need to work on my issues. Not even food related, all the other stuff. My self esteem depends on others and not on myself. Thats why anyone can make me really happy or really devastated just by what they say or how they act. I can't give people this much power. I need to find happiness in myself. I need to build myself up inside, and be stronger so that I don't have to depend on others, just on myself. If I can make myself stronger and more complete then I can give more to others. I can love my husband and family better. This is a long journey and I've only just begun. But I like what I see already. I look forward to bettering myself.