OBGYNS and i have a bad history. the first one i ever went to...treated me like complete crap and scarred me for life. she made me feel like i didn't deserve care. that i wasn't worthy of her time. maybe i should have gone to a gynecologist but i was young and thought, why go to someone who just does gyno when you can go to someone who does gyno and obstetrics? so i wasn't important to her at all because i wasn't pregnant. but thats no reason to treat me that way. and she wasn't even a doctor. she was a nurse practitioner. she made me feel less than. not only that she made me feel like i was some horrible monster because of my weight. and that it was an awful experience for her to have to even look at me. that experience will never leave me. and has traumatized me.
then i remember thinking i didn't deserve to look pretty on my wedding day. that was for skinnier prettier girlier girls. i should just find something that fits and try to hide myself as much as possible. thats really how i felt. like i didn't deserve the princess experience. i know it was wrong of me to think that.
when i was younger i felt like i didn't deserve love. because of my weight. and i thought the only way i could find love was to try to look for other guys who looked like me. but that was no guarantee.
and now i feel like i don't deserve to be pregnant. because of my weight. its a personal choice. but it seems to not even be a choice. its a given. like um..if you want a baby you can't have one looking like that. which i understand. and i agree. and i'm working on it. i definitely need some help. but anyway i'm just feeling really discouraged by the lack of support from my mother and my mother in law. i mean, just get passed the whole weight thing. assume that by the time i'm 30 i will have lost some weight. now think about the whole pregnancy thing. can you be supportive then?? i'm hard enough on myself. and now with the way people are reacting. its very hurtful. i feel very unworthy. i feel like i'm some kind of idiot to think i could have a baby. who am i to deserve such happiness? i don't work. i'm very overweight. i don't deserve anything. and i know they think that. because thats all they throw in my face all the time. the only way to measure success for them is if i lost weight or got a job. they can't see passed that.
so as i find myself getting all worked up and excited for something thats so close i can almost taste it, i get so heartbroken because i feel like i'll never achieve that. and i've waited so long. i can't even express to you how much i want to be pregnant and have a baby. i've been feeling this since i was 22. but i pushed it down. and now i can't push it down anymore. ask anyone..the one thing i would want to do if the world was ending is to get pregnant. i've been so patient and rational. i've been good. i graduated college, got married, moved back home. haven't i earned it? don't i deserve it?
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wow. i've never thought or imagined you felt this way prima. reading this was really hard for me because I hate to think this is the way you are feeling. i am very saddened by it. you listen to me now! you need to do what is BEST FOR YOU. and no one else. I understand that having your family's support means a lot....especially from our kind of family. but you can't dwell on what other people think of you. you should, first and foremost, respect yourself and what you want. the only person you really need support from to make this huge decision is your husband. i understand you don't always get the support from your family like you want. but that shouldn't influence your decisions. this is your life. and you only get one chance. and if you feel you are ready and you are willing to ,emotionally and physically ,be able to make this decision, then nothing and no one should hold you back. because if you dwell and let these factors influence you, you will or can live to regret it. sure, you should always respect your family and you should take their comments into consideration. but they shouldn't make and dictate the decisions for you.
ReplyDeletedeep down, i think you know what YOU need to do. it's your time to take hold of this need and want and work on making it happen. i am here for you prima. seriously.
you totally deserve this. that's not the question. the question is ,are you willing to trust yourself and go for it and do all the things you need to do to make it happen?
it's going to be a really hard road. and you know and i know, this is just the first step to the long and rocky road having a baby/child is all about. and if you can make it past this, you can do anything.
i know you can do it. i love you!
thank you prima. your support means a lot to me because i don't get support from many places. and although ed is supportive he doesn't get excited about things so its nice to have you there for me and getting excited for me.
ReplyDeletewhen it comes to things like houses and jobs and babies talking to you always makes me feel better. because you have a modern perspective where as my parents are so stuck in there ways. talking to you and having you understand helps me realize i'm not crazy.
and i know it will be hard. and i'm the first to admit that when things get hard i split. but i care too much about this. i would do anything and endure any pain for my child. so i'm willing to do this. i'm ready for the challenge.
thank you prima. i love you :)