I want a big family

I've always loved movies with big families getting together for Christmas. I've always wanted a family like that. But its only me and my sis and we don't get along. I get that feeling on Christmas with all the cousins but its so fleeting. I have to tell you, i'm so lonely. All my cousins have moved away and i'm used to being around a big family. always having people to hang out with and always going to someone's house for no reason at all. i miss it so much. i miss having that big family. its gone now.


thats why i want to have a big family. i have a lot of cousins but i wouldn't say there's a matriarch or patriarch that brings everyone together. i want to be that. i want to be the big momma that everyone comes home to for thanksgiving and christmas. i want to have 4 or 5 kids. i want to have a big family full of love. i want my kids to feel like they're not alone in this world. i want the family bond to be really really strong. my family is ok but a bit dysfunctional and ed's family, well he didn't grow up in a big loving family. so its something i really want to have with our children. i know its a lot of work. i know its expensive. but i know people with lots of kids who make it work in a small house or in a den. is it so wrong in this day and age to want a big family? i have so much love to give. i'm bursting.

the problem is i'm almost 30 and haven't had one kid. if we space them out like we want to i don't think i'll be able to have all the kids i want. :(

everyone has an opinion. but no one can argue whats in my heart. maybe what i want is not what you would want but everyone is different. how can it be wrong when you want something so much? this isn't something new. i've always had these feelings but never really realized them till now. i'm finding out more and more about myself.

*update*
ed's reply: "I'm not worried about the big family thing as long as we take it 1 step at a time." :)