did i just have a revelation?

i want a baby. bad. like real bad. i've been having dreams where i'm pregnant and i've never been happier, till i wake up and all that happiness is taken away from me. i looked it up. pregnancy dreams have to do with me starting a business. but it still doesn't make it any less real feeling.

i've gotten to this point where everyone says "what are you waiting for?" and i respond with "well, i have to reach my goal weight by my 1 yrs surgerversary (august, which at this rate i probably won't reach my goal by then). Then i tell them that i want to get surgery to remove this gut. To which I get the same responses "why tummy tuck before pregnancy?" "you should wait till you're done having kids". which always pisses me off because they don't know what i deal with. this thing feels like it weights 20lbs! i've been carrying it around for 15yrs. i hate it. and i've worked so hard to get to this point, i deserve to look and feel normal and sexy and fit into regular clothes, look cute in underwear, etc.

it poses such a dilemma for me though. i WANT to start trying for a baby by early next year. but if i have plastics who knows how long i have to wait to get preggers afterwards. i was doing some research, most plastic surgeons really discourage surgery before pregnancy. because you'll just get stretched out anyway. which really isn't a concern for me because, as i said before, i'm not doing this to have the perfect body but i'm trying to start from zero. but then again....when i read about all the recovery i think..wow do i really wanna go through all that just to be stretched out again? believe me, this is not a huge concern.

the thing that really got to me was when i read all these women saying that when they got pregnant after a tummy tuck they hardly looked pregnant. of all the things this was the one thing that made an impact. in my latest dream i had this big round tummy and i LOVED it. i can't wait to have that. and the thought of not showing really bumbed me out. thats when i started to rethink everything.

here's my dilemma. if i go ahead with the surgery i have to wait till november (6 months of records for my dr so that i get covered by insurance). then who knows how long after that i have to wait to get pregnant. i don't even want to wait 6 months, let alone a year. also, insurance will cover my gut but not my thighs. and saving up for that means not going to my cousin alex's wedding in nyc this august. :( but the biggest con of all is waiting for a baby. i've already waited soooooooooooooo long!

then i thought, ok what if i don't have plastics now. cons: i still have this damn gut. can i live with it? yeah i can. i've lived with it for 15 yrs. its not unbearable. i don't get rashes or anything. its just a mental thing. it keeps me from my full potential. and from wearing things i could otherwise fit into. must i wear baggy pants forever ??? sigh...

not to say i couldn't have plastics eventually. but when?? its hard to recover from that kind of surgery with a small child. and i know i'll want a 2nd child. not to mention that insurance sure won't cover tummy tuck after pregnancy. and who will have the money with kids to take care of? i guess i'll be carrying this gut for a long time.

the pros: i don't have to wait! once i reach my 1 yr surgerversary or my goal weight (whichever i feel like it) i can decide for myself whether i want to start trying. i could start trying as early as august! or i could wait till jan. but either way, its my decision and there's nothing really stopping me. i'm at a healthy enough weight range to get pregnant. and of course i want a nice round belly.

also without worrying about paying for plastics i can go to my cousin's wedding.

carrying around this gut is a big sacrifice. i am not going to say i won't go through periods where i hate it and want it gone and blame it for my misery. and i'm not promising i won't change my mind again. who knows how i'll look/feel after another 20lbs.

but as things look for right now. i think i will make the sacrifice and skip the plastics. and just go for the baby. i want one real bad. and i don't look so bad.  i can still look cute. i have back fat, batwings, sloppety boobs, ridiculously gnarly looking inner thighs and a giant apron gut. but nothing is so bad that i can't take it. and you know....eventually...i'll get my body fixed.

i have to tell you, this might be really pre-mature (i have a tendency to get an idea in my head and go full force with it, and then change my mind later) but i feel really really good about this. like a huuuge weight has been lifted off me. how ironic huh?