getting back on track

so as you know i'm doing this cupcake thing. the fact that i get sooo focused on one thing at a time (weight loss, and now my cupcake business) has caused some problems. let me tell you i think about baking constantly. i go to bed thinking about it, dream about it, wake up thinking about it. i have so many ideas. i love being able to use my creativity with no limits! i can't believe how much this thing has grown already so organically. i have tried very hard for so many things that never happen but this...its not work. its fun and i love it. its just like its meant to be. i'm not even trying and its blossoming.

but because i'm so focused on that i've been slacking on my workouts and occasionally i will eat some of my test batch which i've gotten better about. last time i made these dark chocolate cupcakes and i didn't taste not one. dark chocolate does nothing for me. in fact the only thing i would say is a huge weakness for me is the cookies. i don't know why. they're so chewy, i like the texture. and i made an order of black and white cookies....mama mia...this is my kryptonite.

but this week i've been getting better. i went to the gym twice. like i said i only cook at the end of the week. i even rearranged my pantry and cabinets to make room for all the baking stuff i had piled up on the counter with no place to put it. finally it all put away neatly and it feels so nice. out of site out of mind. not so much that seeing it made me want to eat baked goods, but seeing it made me want to bake! this way clear kitchen, no distractions, i can focus more on me and going back to normal.

last night's revelation is still sitting really really well with me. :) when i started this baking thing i gained 1.5lbs. then last week i lost it. whew. my mom seems concerned that i'm playing with fire (and i can understand her concern) and she asked me the other day, are you still losing weight? and i said yes. and she said "great how much more have you lost?" that pissed me off. a lot. because she expects me to wow her every time i see her. bitch i just saw you last week. wtf. weight loss is slow. i hate when she asks for a number, its like, if the number isn't high enough then i'm disappointing her. pisses me the fuck off.

anyway this week i lost another .5 and i was very grateful for it after the month i've been having. i'm just trying to get back to my slow but steady weight loss. its amazing how much it slowed down (even before the baking thing). the first 6 months i was ahead of the game, doing so well. and then...bam. its a lot harder now. before i really didn't have to do anything and the weight just came off.

so i know i won't reach the goals i set for myself (lose 100lbs by my bday june 2nd; be 150lbs by 4th of july) but i'm hoping to have lost 100lbs by my 1 yr surgeversary in august. that would put me at 160lbs. my goal weight is 140lbs. and i'll continue to strive for that. but as long as i hot 160 i'll be proud of myself. i'll allow myself to move on to the baby making.

but oh god...i cringe at what my surgeon's assistant will say to me at my next follow up. she always thought i wasn't losing enough even when i was losing it faster. fuck her. she never gave me praise only criticism. and thats when i was eating really well!!! there's no way i can tell her i'm starting a cupcake business. no way. any of those doctors would have a field day with the lectures. trust me you guys, if it ever got to the point where it was getting too in the way of my weightloss and i felt i couldn't have it under control i'd wash my hands of the whole thing. i promise you.  i'm very aware of the risks.

when she sees how little i've lost since my last visit, i don't even know what to tell her. she tells me i shouldn't be eating any carbs. yeah ok. stupid bitch. this is real life. i eat low carb. i don't eat no carb. if i ate no carbs at all i'd be telling myself, how much longer do i have to eat like this? just till i reach goal weight? great then after that i can eat carbs again. is that healthy?? sounds like a recipe for disaster. i do admit though that i have to tighten my belt. i've gotten a little relaxed on what i eat. i notice i can eat thing i couldn't eat before, i've noticed i can eat more than before. but i still don't eat and drink at the same time and i still haven't had any soda. but i can't say there aren't times i'm not tempted to do those things.

i have to try to go to the gym more. i just have to try a little more in general. i can't focus ALL my attention on baking. i have to put some on me and my health. but i'm comfortable going at my own pace with the weight loss. as long as the numbers continue to go down.