my 1yr surgeversary

this time last year i was being strapped in, poked and prodded and funnily enough i had my period that day as well. i was gearing up for surgery. i was anxious, a little nervous but mostly excited to start my new life. if i had known how i would feel when i woke up i would have been more nervous. lol. recovery was tough but i soldiered on because i had no choice.

now a year has gone by and though i'm not where i should be yet i'm still super proud of myself. i've changed my lifestyle and i would not want to go back to eating the way i used to. i can eat a little of anything now. the key is moderation. i would feel so gross if i just ate one bad thing after another. i don't want to go back to eating that way. i'm not waiting till i can eat that way again. i have a new relationship with food. and i don't use it to comfort myself anymore. i still get excited about food. i love food. and unless i'm really excited for it or its really delicious i won't waste my hunger on it. i have such little room for food, i want to use it on really lovely things that i enjoy. if you get no joy from your food, its a waste. and i get my joy from beautiful things. new flavors, complex tastes, things made with love. the key is to always be conscious of what you're eating. if you just scarf it down you're not only missing it, you're also not being aware of what or how much you're eating.

i'm proud of myself for changing my eating habits. even though every now and then i do indulge, i totally feel like i'm in a good place to have children now and that i won't pass on bad eating habits. i will try my very best to teach them to love all the right things from the beginning so that they don't have to struggle with weight like i did.

as for how i'm doing, i'm def more active though not working out as much as i should. i usually try for 2-3 days a week but its been a hectic month and there have been weeks with no work outs at all. but i'm def stronger and have a lot more energy and stamina. i've never missed a day of vitamins. i'm getting about 30g of protein on a bad day and 60-80g on a good day. i could be doing better with that but sometimes you just want to eat things that don't have protein (veggies, etc). and if i don't drink a protein shake its hard for me to get a lot of proteins in.

i still drink only water (crystal light or other to go powders) or tea (with sweeteners), haven't had soda since before surgery. or alcohol. but i did have lemonade the other day. wow. that was a blast in a glass. there are certain things i stay away from (soda, french fries) because they're trigger foods and i don't wanna opena  floodgate with them. i have lost 92lbs give or take 1 or 2. i find myself hovering around there. my weightloss has slowed to a crawl. that doesn't stop me from trying to keep losing. my goal is still 140lbs. i'm at 168. it will take me a while but i'm still working on it.

i'm carrying most of my weight in my stomach and panniculus (apron) but everywhere else you can really see the diff. my shoulders look so fantastic. my arms aren't that bad. my legs are looking great and my thighs have all but deflated. just my damn stomach. one day when i reach goal i'll cut it off. but i'm not at the right weight yet. also i'm trying to get pregnant so all that will have to wait. i figure the way my body is now my baby will have lost of room to move around. lol.

i'm so unbelievably happy to finally be where i wanted to be (trying for a baby) and i would do it all again. this surgery saved my life. i only wish i had done it sooner.