secondly, the more i find out about hypothyroidism the more things start to make sense. i don't feel helpless anymore. though i still have many questions and have yet to see a doctor and be diagnosed all signs seem to point to some kind of thyroid disorder or something with very similar symptoms.
i don't feel helpless because i see there's things that can help. i see women on instagram who battle with hypothyroidism and still manage to meet their goals.
one thing that has helped me tremendously is the herb Rhodiola Rosea. not just physically helped me but gave me piece of mind that for right now i have a tool to battle my symptoms on my worst days. it does work. it takes hours, but it does work. one rhodiola product (Energy Kare) gives me energy. On days when i feel like i'm in a walking coma, i take 2 of those and eat something and after a while i'm a normal functioning person again. with the other product (Rhodiola Root Extract) i get a sedative feeling. it calms me down when i'm too frazzled/stress/anxiety ridden and cannot calm down. both products clear my head and level out my mood and i feel ok. just fine. completely capable of facing my day and anything that is thrown at me. it also helps me get amazing sleep. what an amazing herb this is. i am so grateful for this. it is not however helping with the weight gain/trouble losing weight. it sucks when you workout every day and eat right and in 4 months others can lose 50lbs and you have only lost 12. that is definitely something that needs to be helped with hormone replacement or something.
i have to say my entire way of thinking has completely changed with this disorder or whatever you wanna call it. its actually, surprisingly, made me stronger and more determined. yes i have my bad days. don't get me wrong and on those days its just about getting by. but it has made me so grateful for my good days. like today. i didn't need to take any herbs or anything. i woke up feeling like my old self. had enough energy. in good spirits, etc. since those days are no longer guaranteed, i cherish them.
i also had to completely change the way i think about exercise and eating. i'm not like everyone else. i have spent the last 7 months trying to find someone who was having success and copying everything they did. and it changed periodically, especially with exercise. thinking that eventually i would get it right. if i just follow these easy steps i'm bound to have the same results? right? thats all i wanted. a guarantee. but i know now that there are no guarantees. i can't follow any program. at least not like this. there's no normalcy in my life right now. i don't wanna feel like i cheated one day or skipped a day because then that starts a slippery slope into "oh well i messed it up, no point in going on" and then completely fall off. how many times has that happened to all of us?
i've learned that i had to look at things differently. i told myself that from now on i will do something every day. my body doesn't have weekends. i have good days and bad days. there will be times i won't be able to do anything. but even on those days i will try. example 2 days this week i did walking/sprints and a little bit of weights. then i had a really bad day. i felt like i was in a walking coma. i walked very slowly for 20 min but it wasn't doing ANYTHING for me. so i stopped. but guess what? mentally i knew that i had at least done SOMETHING that day. so i still felt good about myself. today i had energy but i ran out of time in the morning so i just danced around and huffed and puffed for 15 min. and i can feel good about myself knowing i did something. because now its not just to lose weight. i won't obsess over it because i know something is working against me. instead i'm working out for the mental/emotional benefits. because when i'm depressed, it clears my head. because knowing i did something makes me feel good about myself. proud of myself. the rest will come in time. i know that every little bit benefits me both mentally and physically. so i just see it as a positive thing i can do every day to make myself feel better.
no. i will not do it because you have to force yourself even if you don't wanna do it because "no excuses" and "beast mode" and sweat is your fat crying. i don't think those are necessarily positive things. personally i see them as a bit combative. you always have to be pushing yourself. but thats not how i see it. i see it as me loving myself. not putting any judgments or expectations on myself. its also forced me to be creative. i have many many ways of working out at my disposal. weights, dvds, pull up bar, treadmill, bike, resistance bands, exercise balls, etc etc etc. any of those things, or any combination of things is great. my motto is "as long as it makes you sweat and gets you huffing and puffing, its good" no matter how long. but even if its just a short, slow walk. and i have zero energy. thats fine to. i tried. what more could i do?
and on days when i feel good, i feel like i'm ready to take on the world. i feel strong. like a warrior. this thing i have (whatever it is), it might knock me down, make me weak, tired, depressed, but its not gonna beat me. i will always come back. i'm too strong. its made me a stronger person.
and as far as dieting. i'm giving myself a break. i've been counting my calories for 4 months now. i know pretty much what i can and can't eat. i have been craving fats (like avocado and peanut butter) and sometimes sweets. i will allow myself these in moderation. on my bad days i definitely am more slack about it, but on my ok/good days i'm back to normal. i'm going to concentrate more on staying within my calorie goal and sticking to whole foods. and not worry so much about whether i'm having more fats than i should, etc etc. i'm just not gonna obsess over it like i have been. i mean honestly its not gonna get me anywhere right now. so i will just make sensible choices.
if anything this shit has taught me that life is gonna throw you curveballs. you can't schedule it. sometimes you just have to take it one day at a time. and do the best you can.
i am more determined than ever to have this panni removed though. its happening. come hell or high water. i wanted to be down to 140lbs but at this point i'm just hoping i can get to my pre pregnancy weight (170lbs) before next spring. right now i've been teetering back and forth around 186 give or take 3lbs for weeks. this is gonna be a long journey. there's no guarantees anymore. so if i have to have it removed at 170lbs, i will. i want to live a better life. i want to move more freely. this thing is really getting in the way of my range of motion and my workouts. there's so much freedom that will come with it. it will allow me to soar to my potential. i'm done waiting. i'm done living life halfway.
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