stressing myself out

so many things running through my head...

thyroid treatments, fighting with doctors to get the right medication, finding the right dose could take months....

every day i don't work out i'm a failure and getting fat

every day i don't log my food i'm a failure and getting fat

i'm tired. i'm just weak and tired.

people think i'm lazy, making excuses.

i just wanna get back to how i was before. happy, with energy, working out, eating right, motivated.

i don't wanna lose this motivation but the more time passes, the weaker i get

now i'm told to try a keto diet, getting anxiety about that. seems like an extreme. i don't believe in deprivation. it will backfire. stressing about what i can and can't eat. i hate strict rules. i need general guidelines and flexibility.

i'm doing ALL THIS to myself!!! i need to shut the fuck up. shut my brain up. give myself a break. relax. find peace. find happiness. don't focus so much on these things. live my life. i don't wanna give up on everything i worked so hard for. but i need to loosen the reigns a bit. right now. i need a break. mental and physical. i need to rethink some things. not be so strict.

i have made a decision though.

my plan initially was take this year to lose the weight, get to goal next spring, get the panni removed, continue to get in shape, enjoy my life and my body and then end of next year get pregnant. i'm in my mid 30s and i don't wanna wait too long or it will be too late.

the problem is this fucking thyroid business has thrown a wrench in my plans and my weight loss. what does that mean? its gonna take me ALOT longer just to get to pre pregnancy weight. at first that meant pushing EVERYTHING back. because everything has to be perfect. but fuck that. who says? i WILL be getting my panni removed next year. i want to live my life and enjoy my body. regardless of my weight. i've seen girls bigger than me get theirs removed. and i will continue on my fitness journey, but i will still get pregnant when i want to. even if i'm not at goal weight. my life won't be put on hold because of my weight. thats just another form of  being held hostage. no way. i'm gonna live my life and do the best i can. and not wait for this or wait for that. i've spent my whole life waiting.

knowing this brings me so much peace.

no one puts any pressure on me but ME. and it needs to stop.