long talks, short runs, and magic herbs?

our last night without the baby ended in a LONG talk in bed. of course i waited till 4am to start having this conversation thats been needing to happen for a month. finally at 6am we just gave up and went to bed. but it didn't go well. i was essentially blaming him for everything. and he was trying to appease me and offer solutions but they weren't enough. he made me lots of promises and asked nothing of me, just that i take care of myself physically and mentally. it wasn't everything i wanted to hear. i'm missing intimacy. he just can't seem to open up. and it seems the more years go by the more closed up he is. the only emotion i get from him is in valentines/anniversary cards. and i didn't get an anniversary card this year. we can't have intimate conversations. i want to hear things like "you look beautiful" "i want you" "i need you" "i miss you" "i'm thinking about you" but he doesn't get it. sigh.....its not like i haven't told him this over and over.  he knows my love language is words of affirmation. i just feel like he does the bare minimum.

anyway the next day i felt depressed in the morning. i tried walking on my treadmill bc i hear exercise can help with depression. i had very low energy and walking like a zombie...it wasn't working. so instead of giving up i decided i would make myself run to release endorphins. it worked. i was numb on the run. numb. but it cleared my head of the bad thoughts. still had low energy but a clear mind. i was able to do 30 min of sprinting/walking. i felt good. afterwards i sat ed down and apologized for blaming it all on him. that it was me and i had to work on myself. his job is not the problem. its making things harder. certainly its a scapegoat but not the problem.

in the car he was telling me about his schedule going fwd. the usual. sunday is orientation, school starts monday. fine. but then he said "i may have an even monday night" and thats when i got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. that enrages me because it means i'm on my own till 10pm and he comes waltzing in and goes to sleep shortly thereafter. and when do i make dinner???? also wtf when do I  get to go out to some event of my own? fuck?! i'm suck here all the fucking time!!!!

thats when i said, you can go to your event but for every event you go to, i get to have my OWN event that same week. which means you get home, i take the car and do whatever i want. he agreed and said, you can take more than one day if you want, and regardless of whether i have an event or not i think its something you should do. and i'll feed benji and do the night time stuff.  (side bar: my husband is really patient, understanding and supportive)

so now i'm excited and happy that i have something to look fwd to on a regular basis. every week i get one night to do what i want. and it can be anything from taking a fitness to seeing a movie alone or having a lady date with drinks and dinner. he even suggested some adult ed classes which i like the sound of that. learning something new.

and bonus, i have decided we will do a date night once a month. mandatory. so i'm excited about that as well :)

and lastly, a friend posted this on fb yesterday...http://preventdisease.com/news/14/071614_15-Herbs-Plants-Stabilize-Thyroid-Function.shtml

i stopped when i got to the Rhodiola because the description sounded like what i needed. i went online and looked at products and reviews. it seems like its a good energy boost in low doses and in high doses acts like a sedative to calm the mind of anxiety. well i bought both yesterday. took the sedative one yesterday after getting home and my son was giving me a headache with his crying and screaming and tantrums and i was tired and hungry with a major major headache. i took it and made some food, ate and took a nap. i will say that the nap was amazing. it felt like i had taken a sleep aid. and i woke up refreshed. so much so that instead of my regular coffee i drank a decaf last night. then last night i slept great as well. all from 1 dose. so i'm hoping that this herb can help me. we'll see. i've jumped to conclusions before.

i just took the energy one and don't feel anything yet. so we'll see....