Another dream

This one was troubling. I had a dream where I had a baby but I didn't remember being pregnant. My boobs didn't even get bigger. It wanted to feed, so i gave it a breast and nothing came out. I wanted to give the baby a bath so i put it in a little tub looking thing but it was shaped wrong so when i walked away to get the soap the baby slipped into the water and started to go under. i ran to get it. my god...i was a terrible mom. everything felt so awkward and i had no maternal sense at all!! and i was doing it by myself. i kept trying to put the baby down to grab something but then something would happen to the baby. i didn't have enough hands. ed was there but for some reason he wasn't any help. he just stayed out of it. there i was with this baby and i didn't feel anything inside. and i felt jipped for not having a pregnancy.

now...at first glance this seems like some kind of i'm-not-ready-to-have-a-baby dream. but its never that literal. so i thought about it. i think its about ed and his job. he's talking about moving on from this job and starting his own thing. which i find exciting. i'm totally supportive of that. but there is definitely the worry in the back of my mind about how we'll get by. i'm not only not bringing in money but i'm paying like 3 diff school payments. so i'm really worried. because we have no wiggle room. i can't leave school and get a job. i can't do anything. i'm stuck doing this till october. even though i think he's level headed and he's always been good with money. i still have that worry in the back of my mind. thats probably what caused the dream. its something i'm excited about (ed starting his own thing) but i'm not ready for it (because i'm still in school) and i can't do it on my own (support us) because i suck at it. i don't think it has to do with babies. except maybe that i hope i don't get pregnant before october because then we'd be doubly screwed.