people who want to be really really fat.

I'm watching this episode of Tyra with this infamous woman who weighs like 500+lbs and she's trying to get to 1000lbs.  sigh..it makes me so sad.

this episode is evoking so many emotions. so forgive me if my thoughts are disjointed.

i look at her and it hurts me. because i remember what it was like. i remember carrying that weight around and how uncomfortable it was and how much it weighed me down.

i remember spending lots of time online sharing pictures of myself with men and getting the validation that i never got from men in real life (other than my husband).  i just loved the attention. yes i know the term BBW, i am very familiar with it. i loved myself. i didn't have self loathing. i didn't love being fat, it wasn't my preference, but i didn't look in the mirror and say "you're disgusting".

and she says she hates mobility. hates mobility? and that she doesn't care if it kills her because "we all have to die sometime". she got on the scale and saw she was only 513lbs and got depressed that she didn't weigh more.

the sad part is, she has no self worth. this whole thing is an act. its something she's put on to make herself feel ok with being this unhealthy. she pretends that she wants to be fatter and fatter because she feels helpless. she's convinced herself that its a positive thing. but deep down she is unhappy. she might have other people fooled but not me. the saddest thing of all is that she just had a baby. i think having a baby is sacred. not only should you stop making those exploitative videos online, you should think of your health for your baby's sake. if you care about your child at all, you should take care of yourself. also what kind of fucked up example are you setting for that child? what kind of warped relationship with food will that child have? do you think they want to look back at their mom (who probably died when they were less than 5yrs old) and see those degrading internet videos?

it just makes me soo sad to see people trying to be fat. it does soooo much damage to your body. i'm only 30 and there's so much damage done for being fat all those years. it just makes me so sad. i am so grateful to finally have gotten this chance to lose the weight. i don't know if i can ever explain how grateful i am. i wished for years for some kind of miracle like this. and thank God, i just thank God for this surgery. i used to watch shows about really obese (hate that word) people like 500lbs or more. and i used to think, am i that fat? am i getting there? and now i'm so grateful that i don't have to think that anymore. but i still feel for these people. so much.

it took me a long time to understand how much damage my weight was doing to my body. i was in denial because i was in pretty good health. my body is strong, its a trooper. its time i started treating  it right.

i'm not saying you should strive to be thin or that people have to be thin to be attractive. NOT AT ALL. i think curves are beautiful, as long as you're healthy. its about so much more than looks. i didn't do this for looks (though it is a plus) i did this for my future children. life is just so much better when you're not weighed down by fat.

ok i'm done.