Anxiety

Thank God for this blog. There are things I can't say on FB or even twitter. Because too many real life people read it and feel comfortable enough to give me their opinions. Sometimes I don't want your opinions. As a matter of fact unless I specifically ask for your opinion, i don't really want it. What I want to do is just vent.

I have emotional issues. When I was in 9th grade I was in this psychology class and I took a test to see how emotional I am. I got an 80 which meant I was a possible threat to myself or others. LOL really? Anyway I have a problem controlling my emotions. I feel things very deeply and I can't control that. I'm sorry. I can try to control my actions but I can't control how I feel. Its a challenge for me to separate my emotions from my actions and not react. Its harder than you can imagine and i am trying.

Another thing I have to contend with is anxiety. I don't know when it started but the first time I was really conscious of it was in junior college. I get anxiety a lot. People don't understand. They don't know how it feels. They don't understand how the smallest things can trigger it and its very hard to shake. Its not only anxiety for things that make me nervous or scared (like meeting someone new, or going in for an interview, or even getting off at a stop on the subway), but anxiety for things that upset me like confrontation. And being forced to talk to certain people. It makes me so uncomfortable I literally break into a sweat. And don't tell me to go see a doctor for this. What I want is for you to understand. When you see me getting uncomfortable, don't force the issue.

My mom just sent me this long email where i felt attacked, judged, confronted. and i'm still sweating way after the fact. i have to learn to deal with my anxiety and to comfort myself. comforting yourself is hard. when you don't use food. and my husband is not here to hug me and make me feel better. i have no idea how to soothe myself. but thats part of the journey. at least i'm conscious of it and i have to find a way to do it.

a friend told me to get on xanax or some kind of anti-anxiety medication. maybe for moments like this it would help. i dunno.

*update* i may have found a healthy way to deal with the anxiety. working out. i took all that negative energy and just pounded those weights and pounded that elliptical till my muscles couldn't do it anymore. it burned all the negative energy and now i feel better. i might not always be able to use this to cope but for those times when i'm home and have time and access i think its a great way to get those feelings out. :) it also works for when i'm nervous about something thats upcoming.