I have to come clean

I don't know if you guys know this but since surgery I got way into cooking. I love getting creative and finding healthy recipes and experimenting with flavors. This led me to cooking for ppl more and even offering my services as a personal chef. It didn't take off. People were interested in the pictures I took of food, but no one was trying to hire me. Which in the end is good because its stressful and not really what i wanted to do. I started to focus on baked goods. I made some pretty good low carb/lower sugar desserts. But again no one was interested. oh sure they wanted to tasted and raved about the pictures i posted but again no one wanted to buy.

Recently I was at the mall across the street from my apt and I was getting headbands at this really cute kiosk/cart that sells hair accessories. and i was talking to the girl who runs it about how she got started and how i'm trying to do something like this but don't know where to start. she said a cupcake stand would really clean up there since there isn't one. she graciously offered me a spot on her cart to sell my cupcakes. she asked for no cut of my profits in return. WOW! what an amazing opportunity! so i started to focus all my efforts on this. the cool part is i never told her i make low carb baked goods so i didn't have to make them low carb. these are for kids so i decided to just go with real sugar and make all the way cupcakes. i created a site (www.melibakes.com) and got some business cards done. then made some rainbow cupcakes and brought them over. of the 8 i brought over, 6 sold. not bad. people seemed excited about it. the only problem is its an outdoor mall. and i'm having problems with the frosting getting melted and wet. ever left  cupcakes out in the heat for hours? not good. this causes limitations on what i can bring out there. i made these great chocolate covered marshmallows (http://melibakes.tumblr.com/) and i wanted to make brownie pops but the chocolate will melt. :(

the big worry i have is that unfortunately my biggest flaw is that when i do something i enjoy i get REALLY focused. everything becomes about that. so now i've put all my attention on the baking thing. that means all the other things i was doing (gym, drinking waters, eating, taking vitamins) are falling by the waste side. and thats not good. not to mention i've been tasting the things i made. its way too easy. and its right there and so colorful.  ughhhh....i'm not happy with this.

on the one hand i'm very excited because i've been unable to find a job in the 4 years i've lived here. i've tried my ass off and can't get hired anywhere! so maybe its because i was meant for something better. and for the first time things are coming together. people are talking about placing orders for parties and i'm looking into getting a commercial kitchen and the licensees and insurance i need to take this to the next level. it all seems to be happening pretty quickly and its amazing! finally. FINALLY. but i'm honest to god worried. the last thing i want to do is fall into bad habits or lose the good habits i've had in place for 7 months. i'm scared. i'm scared of myself, my impulses. i thought i was stronger but it looks like i'm not. whats wrong with me? whats happening? i can't let it get to that point. i can't.

but how do i balance everything? how do i do it? i don't want to give up on my dream but i sure as hell am not gonna give up on my health. never again. i've worked too hard and i've come too far.

sigh...i'm so confused. i honestly don't know what to do.