dear diary

i want to be pregnant!! most of the time i'm ok. but when i read about or hear about other ppl doing all these pregnancy related things thats when it really hits me. like...no fair...when is it gonna be my turn? then i have to just remember i'm the one stopping myself. for a reason. i want to be healthier...and i'm on my way. i want to have a job...and i'm workin on it. i want a house....this one is up in the air. frankly at this point...i'm willing to bend on that one.

i will say this to you diary. because i'm sure everyone else is sick of hearing it. i really really want to be pregnant. but here's the saddest most gut wrenching part.

the more i look into PCOS the more i fear that i won't even be able to get pregnant. there are people with pcos who have been trying to get pregnant for years. wouldn't that be the most vicious of ironies? all i've ever wanted was a baby. i wait and wait and work really hard so i can have one. and now i probably won't be able to have one of my own. its the saddest thing i can even think of. this condition already has me feeling like less of a woman. because i have no libido and therefore am a bad wife. not to mention all the physical side effects. i struggle every day with my femininity. but to not be able to get pregnant would be the dagger in my heart. then i wouldn't be able to do the one thing that makes me a woman.

i wish i could be normal. just normal. not special or anything. just normal.