revelation about my mother

i already knew that my mother can hurt me deeper than anyone. and that almost everything i do in life is to please her. because praise from her is like praise from zeus. and she never just gives praise without a side of judgment. thats all known stuff.

but i was thinking while i was laying in bed....she totally controls me. she always find a way to control me. she's totally passive aggressive with her guilt and i always end up doing what she says. because i'm not cold hearted like my sister who would say no and not give it a second thought. she, and my sister does this as well, preys on me because she knows i usually can't say no. don't get me wrong i say no a lot to invitations to events i don't wanna go to. and she lets that slide. but for stuff like doing something for them, taking someone somewhere, or visiting someone, then she knows she can make me do it with her passive aggressive guilt. i don't think she does it on purpose, or even realizes she's doing it. its just something she does. and i'm sick of it. i'm sick of her controlling me. i have to learn to say no to her. and then maybe i can say no to others. she asks way more of me than i ask of her.

also you know what i find incredibly annoying? when i go to a party at their house and i'm surrounded by people i don't know or care about and therefore don't say hi to, and she tells me in front of everyone "did you say hi to so and so? or meli say hi to so and so". ugh!! it pisses me off!! i'm not a fucking child. and you're treating me like one in front of people. i don't know these people. if i wanted to say hi, i would have. i don't feel the need to say hi to everyone at every party or i'd spend the first 20 min shaking hands. geez. i'll say hi to them if i feel like it. next time she treats me like that again i'll just turn to said person and yell "HEEELLLLLOOO. HOW ARE YOU? GOOOD??" and just mortify my mother. maybe that will teach her to leave me alone.