silver lining

my old way of living doesn't stop when i get surgery. it stopped when i started this pre-op diet. this diet is like boot camp for my new way of eating. its forced me to look forward to things other than food. and thats really important. i have no choice but to look for other ways to be happy. right now i'm in limbo somewhere. i feel like the bus to skinny town isn't here yet. i'm here at the bus depot in a strange town and my family has already wished me luck and said their goodbyes. i'm here alone. what lies ahead is the unknown. but i'm ready for this adventure. no turning back now.

i'm reading in my book that some people have a problem with self image. they see themselves as fat so its hard for them when they lose weight. they lose their identity. its funny but when i dream i never see myself as fat. i'm always traipsing around in something skin tight and being completely sexy. i think there's a sex kitten in there dying to come out. i look in the mirror and while i love myself, i look at my face and think there's someone hidden in there. its hard to see with the extra weight but i have gobs of potential. i think, no, i know i'd be a total knockout. and frankly, i can't wait. i wanna take the world by the balls. i want to accomplish everything i was too scared and too self conscious to accomplish before. mainly my career. i'm really hoping that losing the weight will make me stronger both mentally and physically. and i can stop making excuses. just go into an interview and own the room. all my life i've had so much potential to be a success. and dammit i know i can be!

i might even try..get this...stand up comedy! what am i nuts? lol. my new years resolution was to have more adventures! and dammit, i'm gonna have them!