GRRR!!!! personal rant

For those of you who don't know my sister and I do not, and have never, gotten along. I have adopted the best coping mechanism for her nastiness and its to avoid her like the plague. Of course my parents force us to be in the same room for some deranged notion of a big happy family. My mom doesn't seem to care how hard it is on me to be around her constant negativity and what can only be described as verbal torture (directed and both me and my father). She's in total denial. My sister is nasty and all she does is pick pick pick on people and say nasty things. She NEVER has anything nice to say, never agrees with anyone. So naturally I wouldn't want someone like that around me on my wedding day (back in 2006). Not that she wasn't invited but that I didn't want to put her in my bridal party. Why would you put someone in your bridal party who treats you like crap? But my mom forced me to do it. Also after having my sister torture me during the meeting with the florist I decided I didn't want her there while I tried on a wedding dress. Especially because I was terribly insecure about being in a wedding dress at my weight (i didn't think i was pretty enough or worthy of a dress like that) and i'm very sensitive. But she wouldn't have that. She said if you don't invite her, i'm not going. And she didn't. She couldn't see how much she was hurting me. She missed a mother/daughter bonding moment that I can never get back and for what?? so that my sister could go to one thing? one thing that was not even about her? I just wanted to tell you that story to show you how my mom's mind works. She's incredibly stubborn to the point where she hurts me with no remorse and sees herself the victim. I understand as a parent you wanting your kids to get along. But if you constantly ignore the wrong doings of one child and subject the other child to pain to do so i think thats WRONG. And I will NEVER do that to my children.

That being said, my mother said my sister was coming in to town. I asked her for how long. She told me a few days or a week or something. I just found out SHE'S STILL IN TOWN. its been 2 weeks!!!! Now i'm pissed. Because she fucking lied to me. And now she wants me to come over to the house on saturday for my sister's bday party? First of all, I know this is my mother inviting me and not my sister. She could give a flying fuck if i'm there. In fact she probably prefers I not be there and so would I . But my mom insists on us all being together, no matter who it hurts. And right now I hate her for that. I hate her because this was gonna be the weekend that I tell them about my surgery. But there's no way in hell I'm telling them with her here. Are you kidding me? She would rip me apart!

Now i find out she's here till august 25th. and i want to cry. this is so unfair. so unfair. she's gonna find some way to make this about her. and its gonna go from my parents supporting me to some fight. and i don't fucking need this. if my mom chooses her over me with this i will stop talking to her. for real. you don't understand. i am VERY sensitive. for some reason i absorb people's bad vibes. and the last thing i need before surgery is someone making me stressed or feel bad or something. i don't need that shit. she's toxic. and when she's around my mom becomes toxic.

when she moved away the 3 of us (me, mom, and dad) got along so well. no fighting. it was great. but she comes back and its constant yelling and fighting. she's an evil person. i wish she would just stay away. either that or get some serious therapy and release the hate. i've never seen anyone treat their immediate family the way she treats us. she's nice to everyone else and she treats us like crap. she has so much hate and resentment in her. i look at her and i think, she wold be so pretty if she wasn't so ugly inside. she needs help. and i refuse to put myself in a position where i get shit on. why would i be around people like that? its bad for my spirit.

you know what sucks though? is no matter how much i bitch she (my mom) always wins. because she guilts me. and UNLIKE MY SISTER i have a conscience. i feel like my mom manipulates that, whether she realizes it or not. of course that doesn't work on my sister because she has no conscience.