babies babies everywhere but not a drop to drink

just found out that a friend is pregnant. i'm so happy for her. i was routing for her to get pregnant. this is so exciting! so why did the news hit me like a blow to the stomach????

i told myself on new years eve that this year i would focus on ME. no house buying, no babies, just me. and i truly believed that. i was all about me. i was ready to put me first.

but now those pains are coming back. of wanting something so bad. i think about babies, i dream about babies. i want my own baby. and when i look at my husband and how far he's come. from making a face everytime i say baby to saying "so when are we going to have one?", i melt. i want to have a baby with him  so bad. he's ready. and i know he's going to be excited and enjoy it and be suuuch a good dad. i'm so in love with him.

i'm fighting with myself constantly. the part of me who wants everything to be perfect before i have a kid (house, body, job), and the part of me that says who cares about any of that i want my baby. i can already tell i've changed because last year i said we MUST be in a house for a baby. now i'm saying lets just rent a 2 bedroom. babies can survive in an apt. my husband was like "who are you?".

i know its not time. i have to keep pushing these feelings down. its only march! i have to wait till next year. i told myself that. i want to get to my goal weight. i want to have plastics. i want to be right with me first before i bring another life into this world. i can't wait though. i'm so looking forward to the end of the year. but for now i just have to work hard and stay focused and reach my goal. and the other stuff will happen. i keep wanting it and it keeps getting pushed back and pushed back. and i'm getting so antsy. but my time will come.