just had a moment of tears

last night i had this dream. i was sitting on a couch next to my husband and right in between us, propped up on the cushion was this little tiny baby. and she (i think it was a she) was falling asleep and her little head was drooping fwd. and she kept waking herself up a little and putting her head up and then drifting off again. it was so precious. i saw myself  staring at her and reacting to every movement she made. and looking at my husband and the amount of love radiating was immeasurable. for a moment i got a glimpse of the amount of love newborn parents feel. she was so soft and smelled so good. she was my whole heart. it was just so beautiful and i keep trying to remember that feeling but its fading.

i've wanted to be a mom so bad for years. when i finally get pregnant it will be well earned. i want a baby more than anyone i know.

today in the car i was driving home from taking my husband to work and i started thinking about my dream and this song came on the radio and i just started crying. but they weren't sad tears. i cried because i couldn't believe how much i've accomplished, how much weight i've lost and how much closer i am to my goal and to having a child the way i wanted to have one. and i was just so overwhelmed. so grateful. when you want something for so long you think its never gonna happen. you think you're not worthy of it. and i couldn't believe it was actually happening. just overwhelming. surreal.

i guess i never slowed down and took it all in. it still hasn't really hit me. i've lost 80lbs. thats alot. i've changed my whole life. the way i eat, cook, etc. everyone is so proud of me. it means so much to hear that but i never stopped and realized the hugeness of it all. amazing. so grateful. so grateful.