My end of year goal

Once I get to my ideal goal weight and get the nip/tuck done, i want to take a trip to a tropical paradise with my husband. i want to wear a different bikini for every day we're there and i want to make a baby. :)

what a great thing to look forward to and strive for. i love it!

i've never ever ever worn a bikini and i never will until i get this gut removed. and fuck all those people who say "just wait till you have a kid, its gonna stretch out anyway". fuck that! i want a chance to be normal dammit. i DESERVE that. i deserve to be sexy. i deserve to be able to heal without trying to take care of a small child. i deserve to be selfish because this is the year of meli. and i can handle the stretching, the normal wear and tear that comes from pregnancy. but fuck, give me a normal starting point. right now i'm stretched beyond normal. i'm not a superficial person. if i get stretched out, and i will, after being pregnant thats ok with me. i can live with whatever damage is done. i'm not gonna get it fixed again. i just want to start with a great body. its only fair.

i want to be a hot sex machine. i've been struggling a lot. my sex drive has plunged for the past 10 yrs. especially the last 5 when i was diagnosed with vaginismis. which = painful sex. its painful, i get swollen and sometimes he gets stuck in there. i HATE this condition so hard. because before even when i wasn't in the mood i would throw him a quickie. but i can't do that now. i hate it. for me to have non painful sex i need to get really worked up and that just doesn't happen because my sex drive is so low. i'm just not interested. and i feel like my brain and my body are fighting. there's part of me thats a huge sexy exhibitionist sex kitten. but she is so suppressed. and i hate that he thinks that i just don't like sex. i know thats not true. i want to WANT to have sex. i hate that i'm broken like this.

trust me, i wish i could just stick it in there whenever. i would love to have that kind of sex life with him. i LOVE my husband. i want to be his sex kitten. the smaller i get the sexier i feel but i feel like i'm really held back by this stomach and massive gut apron. i truly despise that thing. it makes me totally unproportioned. i can't wear underwear and look sexy. i can't wear anything thats not loose on my bottom half. and it sucks!!! dammit! i know there's (sorry for the tmi) a pretty kitty under there and a workable ass. and i feel like dammit i can't really work it with this crap hanging down over me and weighing me down. i can't even do sexy dance moves because i have more butt in the front than in the back! its totally wrong. and i feel like it affects me more than i think. because the more i can reach of myself the sexier i feel. and i truly feel like once i get that thing removed i will feel sooooo sexy. and he's like yeah right whatever, yet one more thing that will solve all your problems. but he's wrong. because i know what i feel. i want to feel as sexy on the outside as i do on the inside. i want to let that sex kitten out baby! believe me, she's in there!

so aug will be a year. i'm hoping to be close to goal by then. then i have 4 months to lose the last of it, get plastics done, heal, and complete my goal. bikini shopping.

this year i'm all about me. i said no house, no baby. just gonna concentrate on improving me. and that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is this trip. and believe me i am going enjoy it. i so enjoyed christmas eve last year. i worked hard to get there. i got a new dress, did my hair and my make up and it ended up being everything i had hoped. so thats what i'm expecting with this goal. i don't care if it happens late this year or early next year. there is no expiration date. i'm just gonna go till i reach this goal. i'm so looking forward to it. i deserve it. and my husband will be more than happy to finance the bikinis and the trip. :)