Today my mom was showing me pictures and sharing stories from their recent trip to Germany. About how they don't speak any German but they went there and ended up making friends wherever they went. It was amazing to me. I thought, gosh, I'm nothing like my parents. They're soooo social. They love to go out all the time and always make new friends. It comes so easily to them. Meanwhile I like to stay in and not go anywhere because I don't like crowds. I don't like to travel because I'm not cut out for it. I hate flying, I can't walk alot, its too tiring. And I suck at making new friends because I'm introverted to the point where I probably come off as rude. I have gotten so used to being closed off that I don't even like to make eye contact. I don't speak unless spoken to and even when people talk to me I'm very short with them. I get anxiety talking to new people. Mix my anti-social behavior and anxiety with a husband who likes solitude and we're a couple of fuddy duddies who would go on a trip and keep to ourselves the entire time. We don't like people that much. lol. But the truth is I think we're both kind of shy.
I think all that stuff has to do with my weight. The hiding, the anxiety, it all comes from being picked on as a kid. The funny thing is I was skinny till puberty (and pcos set in) and then it all went down hill. Before that I was super extroverted. A huge ham. My dad often says "what happened to that little girl who was always putting on shows and loved to act and wrote poems?" and I would always roll my eyes. But sometimes I would find that I wanted to go out and be around people. I think I'm actually social deep down. But its hidden under all this baggage. Mental and physical baggage. People who know me well probably don't get how painfully shy I am because around people I know I'm a loud talking wise cracking comedian who always has something to say.
So I thought today...my gosh...I will finally be a whole different person when I finally lose this weight. I can go out there and not be afraid of getting negative attention. Not have to worry what people are thinking about me. I can just be how I was before. Its been like 20 yrs. Its going to be so different. But gosh I am so ready! I'm so committed to this. I am so ready to change my life!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Its like freedom huh. I hope you get it, just remember, losing the weight won't be a cure all. Beause physically you can change and be a normal weight but mentally its much harder to lose the weight! Work on both or else the process will just take much longer.
ReplyDeletethats a great point beth. i definitely plan on having some kind of counseling or seeing a therapist during this process. i know for a fact that i have tons of issues i need to work out. and i will tackle them head on.
ReplyDeletenothing will be instant about this transformation. the weight nor the attitude. its all a gradual process and i'll have to work hard on both things. i know this.
ReplyDelete