What the doctor said...

Ok so I have a lot to tell you. Here it goes.

What he said about pregnancy:

He said "i would prefer you weighed less but thats ok. i have patients who are your size who get pregnant all the time." Which I really appreciated. He didn't make me feel like I wasn't worthy of children because of my size. He was very gung ho about starting the ball rolling on all the tests he wanted to do. Many were tests that all pregnant women would benefit from but don't always do, but others were PCOS related to see where I was with certain things. Also they wanted to test Ed's sperm to see if there's anything we need to worry about on that end. He also told me he would have me taken Metformin for the entirety of my pregnancy and also put me on Chlomid. I've read about many women with PCOS taking both metformin and chlomid to get pregnant so I was waiting for him to bring that up. It was pretty exciting but also a little scary because it wasn't like i thought it would be. I thought it would be "ok start taking prenatal vitamins, take this chlomid and continue the metformin and you guys can start trying" but it wasn't. It sounded like off the bat we were gonna do all these interventions. I'm thinking, woah i don't wanna get preggers right away. lol. of course in my mind i think if i have unprotected sex just once i'll get knocked up. lol.

So this was cool. Good reaction. But then I told him about the lap band.

His response to that was:

He was really happy to hear that I wanted to go the route of weight loss surgery. He was almost relieved. He said people my size just can't lose a lot of weight without some kind of surgery. He thinks i'm a great candidate and highly recommends I do it. He said of course this would delay the baby thing. We couldn't even start the process for another year. And while thats heartbreaking to me (and i know i will suffer with that as time goes on) I was anticipating that. But he says it will be a huge improvement for my health and stuff. And although I'm dying to get preggers, I want to do it right. I want to be as healthy as possible for me and for the baby and just so i can keep up after its born. Its time. It will be worth the wait.

The only thing that kind of bothered me was that he was pushing gastric bypass (and the gastric sleeve) pretty hard. He totally dismissed the lap band saying people with lap band don't have much success. I disagree. Of the research i've done I just feel more comfortable with the lap band. And in the end its MY choice. As far as i'm concerned, doing the lap band is better than doing nothing.

so thats that. i gave a lot of blood because they started the testing. i have to go in next week to do an ultrasound (yay i can pretend i'm preggers lol) and a culture (pap) which i'm less than thrilled about but fuck it. Lets get it over with. I think its a bit weird...i mean...whats my gyno for then?

anyway they took about 4 viles of blood from me. when i came home i was weak and very emotional. i can't really understand the root of these overwhelming emotions. i know its fear for lots of things. what if something happens to me and its because i was selfish and wanted to do this elective surgery? but my biggest fears are #1. this is gonna be so hard. what if there's things i'll never be able to eat again? that is a huge fear. i have a huge fear of commitment. and then #2. and this one is a biggie, what if i gain the weight back? i mean how much of a failure will i be at life??

Thats why I keep turning to the lap band. Because it gives me enough freedom so that I don't feel like I'm trapped.

Anyway I took a nap and i felt weird and drugged. I guess it was the blood? Don't know. I feel better now though.