Town Pride

So i'm on this whole In The Heights kick. I'm curious about this real life place. So I'm looking up stuff on youtube.

Here are some of he facts I've gathered:

-The south side has a large black population
-The west side has a large Jewish population
-Although there are a mix of latinos including Mexicans and Puerto Ricans, Dominicans seem to dominate.

Another thing I saw was that people who live there or have lived there all speak very fondly of their town. They love their town and those who have moved away miss it. Because they had that sense of community and a sense of belonging and culture.

Now...it reminds me of Boston. Because although I'm not from there, I lived there for 6 yrs, I miss it. Whenever people talk about Boston I always feel like I'm in on the joke because I'm a Bostonian. I feel a real sense of pride. And thats what was so special about Boston. Such community and such a sense of pride. From the Irish to the Italian to the Black to the Latino to the Asians. They had a local TV station BNN (Boston Neighborhood Network) and they were always doing stories on the different towns. They did stories on the communities and all the different things that were going on in the city from Theatre productions to Youth Programs to outdoor markets. People really cared and took part in their community as well as local politics. That is the greatest thing Boston ever gave me. A sense of community.

Although I missed Miami and my culture and my people, coming back wasn't the same. Sadly Miami just does not have that same sense of pride. Not to say that they don't have pride in their culture. They all do. They all think their own culture is the best. But there's no pride in the city itself. And certainly no sense of community. Down here its like every man for himself. People don't take pride in their work, or pride in their service, many don't take pride in their homes. We let parts of the city go to complete shit. and just leave it there. Why? Because we're too busy building condos that no one can afford! People here are selfish. It's all about money. Dog eat dog. When I hear people from Miami talk about Miami its always to complain. Complain about the people, the traffic, the politics, the housing market. Hell I am certainly guilty of this. I wish we could have what Boston has or what Washington Heights has.

Maybe one day I'll find a happy medium. A place with a sense of community and pride as well as a latino culture.

This makes my heart sing

I know this is extremely premature but it's never too soon to start researching. I already know I want to have a natural childbirth. A water birth actually. At first I was set on a home birth but now I'm leaning more towards going to a birthing center. They're better equipped to deal with anything that comes up (not that a midwife at home isn't prepared, its more for piece of mind) and not only that but God forbid I need to be rushed to a hospital there's a major hospital less than a mile away! It's perfect!

Not only that I spoke to a woman here in miami who had her first baby there 7 months ago. She has nothing but wonderful things to say about the experience. She said the place was really nice, they have jacuzzis in every room (for water birth) they have tvs, and soft music, soft lighting, and you have the freedom to make all the choices. She was treated very nicely and had a very pleasant experience. Her advice to me was to take advantage of the free classes they offer. Her only regret was that she didn't take the classes and thus never did the birthing exercises that would have helped her have an easier birth.

Then while doing some more research I read 3 reviews for this particular birthing center. They were all rave reviews. You can read them here.

That cinches it. I have decided this is where I'll give birth. I might still decide later on that I want a home birth, in that case the midwife from the center will come to my home so i'll be using this center regardless. I know that I DO NOT want to give birth in a hospital unless absolutely necessary.

Hearing all these wonderful things about this place makes me so very happy. I'm really excited about birth now. That's soooo weird isn't it? Giving birth was my biggest fear for so long. I wanted to be pregnant but I didn't want to give birth. And now, even though I know it will be painful, knowing that I'll be doing it in the most comfortable way possible gives me piece. And knowing that its better for my baby and will make for a more spiritual and wonderful experience makes me look forward to giving birth.

I already know know when I want to get pregnant. January of 2010. Its pretty cool to be able to plan all this stuff. It probably won't all go as planned. But having a plan is never a bad thing. :)

feeling unworthy

OBGYNS and i have a bad history. the first one i ever went to...treated me like complete crap and scarred me for life. she made me feel like i didn't deserve care. that i wasn't worthy of her time. maybe i should have gone to a gynecologist but i was young and thought, why go to someone who just does gyno when you can go to someone who does gyno and obstetrics? so i wasn't important to her at all because i wasn't pregnant. but thats no reason to treat me that way. and she wasn't even a doctor. she was a nurse practitioner. she made me feel less than. not only that she made me feel like i was some horrible monster because of my weight. and that it was an awful experience for her to have to even look at me. that experience will never leave me. and has traumatized me.

then i remember thinking i didn't deserve to look pretty on my wedding day. that was for skinnier prettier girlier girls. i should just find something that fits and try to hide myself as much as possible. thats really how i felt. like i didn't deserve the princess experience. i know it was wrong of me to think that.

when i was younger i felt like i didn't deserve love. because of my weight. and i thought the only way i could find love was to try to look for other guys who looked like me. but that was no guarantee.

and now i feel like i don't deserve to be pregnant. because of my weight. its a personal choice. but it seems to not even be a choice. its a given. like um..if you want a baby you can't have one looking like that. which i understand. and i agree. and i'm working on it. i definitely need some help. but anyway i'm just feeling really discouraged by the lack of support from my mother and my mother in law. i mean, just get passed the whole weight thing. assume that by the time i'm 30 i will have lost some weight. now think about the whole pregnancy thing. can you be supportive then?? i'm hard enough on myself. and now with the way people are reacting. its very hurtful. i feel very unworthy. i feel like i'm some kind of idiot to think i could have a baby. who am i to deserve such happiness? i don't work. i'm very overweight. i don't deserve anything. and i know they think that. because thats all they throw in my face all the time. the only way to measure success for them is if i lost weight or got a job. they can't see passed that.

so as i find myself getting all worked up and excited for something thats so close i can almost taste it, i get so heartbroken because i feel like i'll never achieve that. and i've waited so long. i can't even express to you how much i want to be pregnant and have a baby. i've been feeling this since i was 22. but i pushed it down. and now i can't push it down anymore. ask anyone..the one thing i would want to do if the world was ending is to get pregnant. i've been so patient and rational. i've been good. i graduated college, got married, moved back home. haven't i earned it? don't i deserve it?

"Girls Love Gay Male Porn"

Ok so I saw this article on Perez Hilton that really caught my eye.

You know what? I do love gay porn. Always have. Guys love girl on girl stuff why can't girls love guy on guy stuff? lol. Think whatever you want I don't care. I'm coming out! I love gay porn! HAHAHA!

The Next Two Years

The next two years will be the two most crucial, stressful, and exciting two years of my life so far.

In the next two years I will get pregnant.
I will be buying a house. Because I don't wanna have a baby in an apt or condo.
I will have to get another car.
But before all that can happen I have to lose a substantial amount of weight.

Now this means that these will be 2 very hard years. It will be the challenge of my life. Especially since every day that goes by my desire to get pregnant grows stronger and stronger. I don't know how much longer I can suppress it.

I don't know how we'll afford a house. Let alone another car. All I know is that people do this all the time. It will happen. Maybe not in the most desirable economical way but it will happen. It can be done.

Plans are already in motion to make all these things happen.

In the meantime I'm thinking more and more about what kind of mom I want to be, when I want to have a baby, baby names, and what kind of birth I want.

I used to always say I'll take the epideral right now thats how much i know i want it. Then I started to get interested in a water birth. Then ed told me water birth is a natural birth and that means no drugs. well...that made me pause.

But I just saw this documentary called The Business Of Being Born . It was really interesting. And it made me feel better about childbirth. I always used to be so terrified of the thought of giving birth. But now I feel like...there are ways to make it less uncomfortable and less painful. There will be pain but I don't know, I feel like if I do it on my own terms, I can handle it. And I feel very empowered to make that decision.

But before I can get too excited about all this, there are things that have to be done. Plans that must be put into motion.

Now turning 30 isn't something I dread. Its something I look forward to and get excited about.

and now for a larf

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baba wawa blah blah *smack* shut the fuck up!

Barbara Walters is the most self centered self absorbed person I've ever seen. I mean this is the kind of person that fishes for compliments constantly. She has to make everything about herself. I guess now that she's not on a news show anymore she's not getting the attention she so desperately needs. She has to find a way to make every conversation about her. And today she managed to make the entire episode about her and her stupid fucking book. I don't know how anyone can stand her. I'm sure the women on the show hate her. But they know she has the power so they kiss her ass. Ugh!!! I can't stand to watch when she's on. Someone please tell her how annoying she is!!

Tome Cruise on Oprah: My thoughts

Oprah only talks to hear herself speak. She doesn't actually care what people are saying.

Katie Holmes is so phony. I actually like Tom more than her.

Who cares about all this shit, we just wanna see Suri.

His entire house is made of wood. Just watching it gave me a splinter.

The funny thing is I actually know the name Telluride from my time at CP+B.

Both Oprah and Tom are wearing a lot of make up.

The best part of this entire clip? The coldstone commercial at the end.

Breakfast

Made myself breakfast today. Usually on weekdays I just eat whatever. Mostly egg and cheese sandwich. But today I was in the mood for pancakes. I would never make so much just for me but I figured I could eat 2 of them and leave the rest for ed. This way I don't have to cook pancakes this weekend.

Anyway check out this major spread. You like? Its egg whites with mrs. dash, pancakes, toast and a banana.

Yum! Talk about improv!

Tonight I was all alone. My husband was with people from work having a "business" dinner. He didn't come home till 11:30pm.

Anyway, as I was on my own I found myself with NOTHING to watch. There was nothing good on tv tonight. I ended up watching Top Chef and it was about Improv. They went to Second City for a night of Improv and people yelled out colors, ingredients and emotions and that became the challenge. So some people got orange turned on asparagus, another group got purple depressed bacon, etc.

Usually when I'm home alone I don't cook anything, I just warm something up because usually things, like meat, are packaged for more than a single serving. But tonight I was inspired. I got all creative. I had individual wrapped chicken breasts from perdue so i defrosted one and seasoned it with salt and freshly ground pepper (my new favorite spice) and cooked it in a pan. Meanwhile I had one red potato just sitting there so i cut it into pieces, tossed it with some olive oil and sprinkled it with salt and freshly ground pepper and popped it in a 450 degree oven. Then I thought you know with all this pepper it might get too spicy. I need something sweet to cut through the spice. So I'm like..what do I have? Bananas? Apples? So I cut up half of a red delicious apple (skin off) and cooked it in a cinnamon and sugar reduction. Baked apples. They came out all soft in a thick sugary syrup. Then when the chicken was done cooking I took it out of the pan and in the same pan I added a bit of olive oil and threw in some baby spinach. I tossed it with a little bit of salt and let it cook just until the spinach wilted. Then I took it out of the pan and topped the chicken with it. Then I plated it all. And you know what? It was delicious!!!! And not only that but it was the perfect portion. I actually wish I had more. yum.

And it was beautiful. Check it out.