you know what pisses me off?

when i tell ppl i've lost 90lbs they seem impressed but then they say "how much more are you going to lose" or "thats great, just keep losing" or "wait till you lose the rest of the weight"

you know what i have to say to those people? FUUUUUCCCKKK YOOUUU!! call me when YOU lose 90lbs. fuckers.

why do these people feel the need to put a goal weight on me. is 90lbs not enough? i look and feel fantastic. why is this not good enough for you? fuck you.

someone actually had the gull to say to me "don't ever put that weight on again". well fuck you too. what a shitty thing to say to a family member. i see what you really think about me.

wow...NSV...amazing transition

You guys, this is serious.

I used to walk into the gym when there were other people and feel really self conscious and uncomfortable.  But today I walked into the gym where 2 other guys were there and i didn't feel self conscious. In fact I felt sexy and confident. I felt like all the guys were checking me out. lol. even though i can see my stomach giggling in the mirror as i use the elliptical, it doesn't sway my swagger. the other day there was this super super HOT guy working out. he was annoying because he took over the entire half of the gym with the weight machines and dumbbells. and he had this boombox. i mean a boombox. hello!! ever heard of headphones. sheesh. but he was hella hot. so i was torn. lol. eventually i got sick of waiting for this guy to leave so i walked right over and got on one of the weight machines myself. like a big fuck you. lol. i'm not gonna let you stop me from doing weights. lol. and in like a few min, he decided to leave. oh wellios! i'm not intimidated by men! even hot men!

another awesome thing is my sex drive is slooowly but surely coming back. my god...i haven't felt this way since i was about 19 or 20. i'm so glad to be off the pill. my body feels more normal and i feel like more of a woman.

also i've been dressing more girly lately and i love it. i feel so feminine and sexy. i love my newfound confidence. its also fun that i'm not undressing men with my eyes. lol. i'm so bad!! but guys do it all the time, why can't we?

they say confidence is the best accessory. and even though i might not be outwardly as confident yet, i mean, its not obvious. but i do have an inner confidence. this is all so new to me. its amazing. and this is just the beginning. i'm going through a transition now. i think my confidence and sexiness as well as sex drive will continue to improve. i'm so happy about this :)

My artificial sweetener solution

So I found myself going through Splenda packets like....something that you go through quickly. It was ridiculous. I was going through 2-3 packets per cup of tea and drinking 4-6 cups of tea per day. you do the math. Not to mention i was also using stevia as well. Yes i use both. I find that vanilla flavored stevia covers the back end sweetness while the splenda covers the front end. both combining in a harmonious full body sweetness. either one alone would taste off and unnatural to me.

anyway i don't worry about the stevia because its natural and i only use half a packet (if that) for each cup. but the splenda...oh the splenda....i was consuming way too much of it for it to be guilt free. i tried to find the evidence online of what harm i could be doing to myself. my husband and i researched splenda last year and found that it wasn't harmful unless you consumed like 4,000 packets of it in a few days or something. well...i wasn't that far gone but shit..i felt like i was getting to that point. then i looked and saw that the main issue wasn't really "poison" although some purists will shout it from the rooftops how all this stuff we put into us is poison (of course they don't have PCOS and are usually thin, bitches). no the real issue seemed to be the maltodextrin (the bulking agent they put in every packet) which contains carbs. and although a small amount, when you consume it like i was it really adds up.

so i read up on liquid versions of splenda, or, liquid sucralose to be exact. i found the one i  had heard of the most was ez-sweetz. 

so i ordered it online. about $6 or so for a 1oz bottle. ok cool. when i got it i was disappointed to see it had other things in it like citric acid. why?? why is that needed? my teeth can't handle citric acid anymore. i have abused my teeth with tooooooo many sour candies. i can't even handle crystal light anymore! i have to drink it through a straw so it doesn't touch my teeth. the enamel is even wearing away on my front teeth. horrible. anyway i was like...this sucks. 

so i kept looking. i found this other one called SWEETZFREE.

 i read the reviews and ppl seemed to like it. but it was HELLA expensive. not to mention it looks like someone makes it by hand and sells it from their house (homemade labels, pay via paypal only). in fact i'm pretty sure they just buy sucralose in bulk from somewhere online and just put it into these bottles and sells it. but hey, i needed it, it was there, why not? 1 oz bottle was $18. my husband would kill me. so i bought via my paypal stash. 

verdict? it contains only purified water and sucralose which i really appreciate. and it tastes even better than the ez-sweetz. i mean, its really sweet. 2 drops is all ya need. its expensive but it lasts a long time. and you can take it wherever you go! i even used it on greek yogurt and oh-my-god! it didn't need any fruits or anything! just plain greek yogurt with a few squirts of this and yum city!! wow..think of the possibilities. i still have the ez-sweetz. i would use that one for cooking and such because i wouldn't wanna waste my sweetzfree. the only down side i can see to this one is that i've noticed that what used to be sweet enough with 2 drops now needs 3. so its possible that you might keep upping the anty. also it might trigger sugar sensors in your brain and make you crave more sugar. i read that somewhere. es possible. i'll have to keep my eye on that. but for now i'm pretty happy with this. i don't feel guilty about seeing all the splenda packets i went through anymore.

so there you go. if you're interested in a liquid sucralose product, either one of those choices are great. they both have great reviews. and if you wanna go the extra mile you can just order pure sucralose in bulk online and make your own shit. but if you're lazy like me and you want it done for you, these 2 are the way to go.

cheers!

you know what i miss?

eating fruit with other food. i used to enjoy a banana with breakfast or an orange with something salty like cheese. now i can't do any of that anymore. fruit= liquid to my body. and its painful to eat and drink at the same time. :( i don't really like fruit on its own because its too much wet sweetness, i need something salty. so i go without. booo.

i also miss wonton soup! i can't eat anything liquidy with something i have to chew. just doesn't work. :(

splenda and creamers. how much is too much??

i've been drinking ALOT of tea lately. like 6 cups a day. and in each cup i would put some heavy cream, 2 splendas and half a pack of stevia. i started to realize i was consuming more splenda that i should be because i would put a huge stack of them in my sugar dish and before i knew it i had to refill it. yikes!!! and the cream. no sugar, but fat. hmm...so i said..let me look around.

so many delicious creamers out there. with all sorts of amazing looking flavors. but way high in sugar. i started using SILK non dairy creamer french vanilla. delicious. and i like the individual packets. they tasted just like real cream in my tea. but look...its got 5g of sugar in each shot. that means i'm having an extra 30g of sugar a day?!! YIKES!!! now i'm thinking, why did i feel the need to change from cream? i mean its natural. whats wrong with it? maybe i can switch to cream instead of heavy whipping cream or maybe switch to half and half.

shit no wonder i'm not losing any weight.

as far as the splendas, i don't feel good about using so much in a day. plus i just read that the packets contain a bulking agent called maltodextrin which contains carbs and is essentially like sugar. also too much splenda spikes your sweet sensors in your brain and makes you crave sweets. but i did read that liquid splenda (ez sweetz) was better because in liquid form it doesn't contain the carbs. so i'm gonna try that. if anything, to give me a piece of mind.

i'm not concerned about the stevia bc i don't consume that much of it. and its all natural.

thats all for now. we'll see how this works.

some fun with befores and afters

i can't even believe it. i've gotten so used to seeing myself like this that i forget how far i've come.

what happens when you die?

with it being 9/11 i find myself thinking about the lives lost 10yrs ago. i know its morbid but i try to put myself in  their place. i try to picture myself on the plane, or on the top floors of the towers. how it must have felt.

the scariest thing for me is thinking about what happens after we die, or whats outside of space. they both give me the same feeling. the overwhelming unknown scares the shit out of me. our life on earth is so short. what happens for the rest of eternity? and that, right there, is when i'm filled with dread and...something so indescribably upsetting that i can't even deal with it. i start to cry and i need a distraction (tv or talking to someone) to calm down. i can't think about those things.

and of course on days like today when  thinking about all those painful horrible frightening deaths....most of these people knowing they were going to die. some chose to jump off the building as a less painful alternative. death scares me. it scares me so much. there has to be something, something to comfort me. comfort us about death. and i'm not really a religious person. i believe in God but i don't buy into any organized religion. i believe in being a good person and trying to help other. so i can't say that i take solace in prayer. so i went online to do some research.

i had heard about near death experiences, and how several people have similar stories. they all felt this feeling of warmth and love all over their bodies. and how some were given a choice whether they wanted to go back or not. and some didn't  but it wasn't their time yet. maybe it seems far fetched but we all have to believe in something. reading these stories gives me a sense of peace. it helps me deal with me deep fear of death. to know that when this life is over, our spirits still live on. whether its in this ethereal other dimension with love and light or if we're reincarnated (past lives) as other people or living things, it all gives me peace that this isn't the end. we're not just tossed into a black abyss for eternity. i can't deal with that.

i heard someone who had a near death experience say on tv once, something like...this life on earth is only temporary, its a blink, our real lives are waiting for us up there.

believe whatever you want, just believe something. something that brings you peace. holding on to that helps me deal with the death of loved ones, and not to fear my own mortality. and for that i am very grateful.

i went to NYC this weekend and....

NSVs:

1. i didn't need a seatbelt extender! in fact i had plenty of room!

2. the tray table came all the way down!! it didn't hit my stomach!!

3. i walked ALOT with no problems. i even decided to walk around downtown NYC for an hour after my cousin's wedding (midnight) in my flip flops! it was great! i actually lost weight on this trip.

:)

my 1yr surgeversary

this time last year i was being strapped in, poked and prodded and funnily enough i had my period that day as well. i was gearing up for surgery. i was anxious, a little nervous but mostly excited to start my new life. if i had known how i would feel when i woke up i would have been more nervous. lol. recovery was tough but i soldiered on because i had no choice.

now a year has gone by and though i'm not where i should be yet i'm still super proud of myself. i've changed my lifestyle and i would not want to go back to eating the way i used to. i can eat a little of anything now. the key is moderation. i would feel so gross if i just ate one bad thing after another. i don't want to go back to eating that way. i'm not waiting till i can eat that way again. i have a new relationship with food. and i don't use it to comfort myself anymore. i still get excited about food. i love food. and unless i'm really excited for it or its really delicious i won't waste my hunger on it. i have such little room for food, i want to use it on really lovely things that i enjoy. if you get no joy from your food, its a waste. and i get my joy from beautiful things. new flavors, complex tastes, things made with love. the key is to always be conscious of what you're eating. if you just scarf it down you're not only missing it, you're also not being aware of what or how much you're eating.

i'm proud of myself for changing my eating habits. even though every now and then i do indulge, i totally feel like i'm in a good place to have children now and that i won't pass on bad eating habits. i will try my very best to teach them to love all the right things from the beginning so that they don't have to struggle with weight like i did.

as for how i'm doing, i'm def more active though not working out as much as i should. i usually try for 2-3 days a week but its been a hectic month and there have been weeks with no work outs at all. but i'm def stronger and have a lot more energy and stamina. i've never missed a day of vitamins. i'm getting about 30g of protein on a bad day and 60-80g on a good day. i could be doing better with that but sometimes you just want to eat things that don't have protein (veggies, etc). and if i don't drink a protein shake its hard for me to get a lot of proteins in.

i still drink only water (crystal light or other to go powders) or tea (with sweeteners), haven't had soda since before surgery. or alcohol. but i did have lemonade the other day. wow. that was a blast in a glass. there are certain things i stay away from (soda, french fries) because they're trigger foods and i don't wanna opena  floodgate with them. i have lost 92lbs give or take 1 or 2. i find myself hovering around there. my weightloss has slowed to a crawl. that doesn't stop me from trying to keep losing. my goal is still 140lbs. i'm at 168. it will take me a while but i'm still working on it.

i'm carrying most of my weight in my stomach and panniculus (apron) but everywhere else you can really see the diff. my shoulders look so fantastic. my arms aren't that bad. my legs are looking great and my thighs have all but deflated. just my damn stomach. one day when i reach goal i'll cut it off. but i'm not at the right weight yet. also i'm trying to get pregnant so all that will have to wait. i figure the way my body is now my baby will have lost of room to move around. lol.

i'm so unbelievably happy to finally be where i wanted to be (trying for a baby) and i would do it all again. this surgery saved my life. i only wish i had done it sooner.

i don't understand

why don't ppl just leave me alone? yeah ok so i'm not the type you can count on to go out of her way to do things. but i've spent years getting that point across and most ppl know not to bother me. i don't like being someone's go to person for things. i feel used. i will occasionally help you out no problem, but don't abuse that.

now i have ppl in my own family who are just so nasty to me. and i want to cut them out of my life like cancer but they keep drilling their way back. i wanted to live close to my parents for when i have a baby but i'm starting to regret it now. it was so much easier when i lived far away and i wasn't responsible for anyone else but me. now i'm somehow being held responsible for my grandma and her brother. i mean come on! i'm the baby of the family. i didn't sign up for this. i love my grandmother but why is she my responsibility? maybe thats a horrible thing to say but i'm sorry man. its true.

i am at a place in my life where i'm trying to stay positive. this is the best time of my life, i'm finally trying for a baby. i don't need negativity in my life. why do people keep confronting me and shitting on me? why???? why can't they just leave me alonneee!!!! ugh!! what am i supposed to do????

trying desperately to wash off the negativity. surround myself with positive ppl who wish me well. how fucked up is it that people i'm not related to and in some cases have not even met in person are nicer to me and wish me better than my own flesh and blood.

i'm telling you, once i have a kid....i have no problems cutting anyone out of my life. i won't be a pushover. i'll be pretty fierce.

where's grace?

i know you're busy grace but i sure do look fwd to your posts! especially since you have so much going on. its only been a week since you posted but it feels like a long time. lol. you're my motivation. i want your updates on how you're doing with your goals.

you know you're a WLS patient when...

you crave your calcium chews

you pop gasx chewables (cherry) when you don't even have gas bc you love the taste

ok now you go

hi guys!!!

just wanna say you guys are all awesome. i appreciate all your comments and support for everything. its so nice to have a place to come and spill my guts and not be judged. you guys are all great. i appreciate every one of you. and though i don't comment too much i do read your blogs. :)

squeeze it and go back to sleep

last night i went to bed hungry. this is because i had a small dinner and drank some tea b4 bed. liquids always empty me out. so i'm laying there in bed with hunger pangs and i'm like oh no i won't be able to sleep, i need to eat something. but my husband said i should squeeze my stomach (or any juicy..aka fatty places on my body) to release the back up. meaning, when the body runs out of food in the stomach it starts to burn back up fat. or something like that. anyway i actually did it and it freaking worked! how strange is that? it got me through the night. that was pretty rad. had to share.

gained 1.5lbs since last week.

which, if you saw the amount of baked goods i consumed last week, is nothing. i was afraid i would balloon up like 5lbs!

so ok..my lowest was 2 weeks ago 166.5, as of today i'm 168.5. which is 2lbs weight gain in 2 weeks. too much baking. i'll probably have to bake a lot for next weekend as well which is my husband's company bbq.

granted i haven't worked out at all in a couple weeks so i figured it was coming.

gotta get back on track. at this point i would be so happy to be in the 160's when i get preggers. i want a 30lb cushion. i don't want to be 200lbs again. so i have to be careful not to gain anymore.

ooosa

trying to stay positive in a hurricane of drama and crazy around me.

first it was the family therapy. that was rough and it affected me more that i probably realize. then my friend attacked me and i got plenty sick of her drama so i stopped going on fb, twitter, etc.

now my crazy aunt has ridden into town and she is a tornado of bad let me tell you. she is constantly demanding things, infringing on my good nature and using me for her own needs.

you know, i complain a lot about my mom guilting me into doing things but her way is so much more gentle. she suggests things. its a little passive agressive. but i prefer that over aggressive aggressive. my aunt simply demands thing. ugh its so fucking rude. she has burned every last bridge with the ppl in this family and now her last bridge, me, is starting to see her for what she really is and she's about to burn this last one too. how sad for her. but like my mom says, its her own doing.

i can't help but compare her to my sister. not only do i see a lot of her destructive ways in my sister, but i see a lot of her and my mom's relationship in me and my sister's. ughh there's just too much drama in the LBC for me.

i can't. i refuse. i'm cutting out ALL the drama in my life. even if it means cutting out old friends, even if it means cutting the social media. i'm trying to stay in my zen place.  the baby making process has started and the negative stressers will no longer be allowed in my zen space.

taking a break from social media

well from twitter and fb anyway. which is hard for me because i'm addicted to instant interaction. also i'm home all day with nothing to do.

but i've really had enough of people these days. i feel like i don't want anymore really close friends that are all up in my business. they get way too comfortable. i think i'd rather have those distant friends. you know the ones you don't talk to that often but everytime you do its like nothing has changed. i love friends like that. no hard feelings. you really don't have time to get mad at each other for anything bc you're both too busy with your lives.

i'm just sick of people all up in my kool aid giving me drama. like please leave me alone.

you don't know this about me but i get into these moods every so often where i completely detach. i don't answer the phone, don't answer emails, i just turn off. i feel like i need to do it for my sanity. especially when i have certain friends who get way too clingy. well thats what i'm doing now. i'm glad i have my own private idaho in this blog. where i can still talk with all of them creeping.

also i wanted to thank you guys for all your sweet comments on my last blog. :) i appreciate it so much.

hee hee :)

not telling anyone but my blog and my hubby but i'm getting off the pill today. officially "trying" now. i'm just so giddy all the time!

did i tell you what my mom said the other day? i was out to dinner with my mom and i told her about my neighbors i grew up with and how one is preggers and the other just had a baby boy. and she was like "oh really? well now its your turn!"

omg!! i was floored!! this is HUGE. i don't know if you know this but my mom has never said anything positive about me having a baby. when i started wanting one a few years ago both her and my dad would cringe if i ever brought it up. it was so hurtful. after surgery she said it was because she was worried about my weight. but even after surgery when i talked about it, there goes the cringe. and she would always talk about how cute my cousin's kid was or how cute the neighbor was with his grandkids. she kept sending me mixed signals and rubbing that shit in my face. i would always blow her off bc i didn't wanna hear it. it was so incredibly hurtful.

so this was the FIRST time she ever said something positive! it was like, she was finally giving me her blessing. wow. i mean, i was gonna do it anyway but it was really nice to hear. it felt like everything was really falling into place. i was really ready. my doc told me to go for it, my mom thinks i'm ready. this is it, this is my time. and i'm overflowing with happiness.

talk about tmi

after a trip to the bathroom i lost another .5lbs! hahahhaha i have to update everything.

oh and i just purchased one of those coupons. 6 sessions of laser hair removal for $99. sweet.

I just HAD to tell someone

Ok so there's been a lots of stuff going on in my life behind the scenes that i haven't really been able to say anything about. But now that things are FINALLY kind of set, i can say something. But its not really something I wanna spread around on FB so i'll say it here to ppl i don't really know in real life. lol.

Well lets see....at the end of june, my husband went to one of his many networking events. This time one of the guys he sees regularly was chatting him up about a job opportunity. my husband gets job offers all the time, but usually in places like san francisco. and i'm settling in for baby mode. i'm nesting. i told him, thats it, we're in for the next 3 years at least. so he turns them down. he was scouted by Google, and we would have moved for that but it didn't work out. which is a blessing i think. because i really want to be here.

anyway this guy was like excited about this job, but the job is in another county about an hour away. and i was like yeah right. my husband hates to commute. we've always lived 30 min or less away from any job he's had. but then he said, yeah but...the money. they were offering big bucks there. 6 figured. wow. ok i'm listening now. so before i knew it i was gearing up to find an apt over there. at first it was a big deal because my parents never go up north. even though its only an hour, they see it as another world. and i felt guilty for leaving my grandma alone here. but eventually i got excited for it. we looked at condos out there. we didn't wanna tell anyone till it was a done deal.

but all the while he kept having doubts. he didn't want to work 9-5. he can't. he's just not a morning person. and he wouldn't get his work from home days like he has now. he's just comfortable where he is now. but then it always came back to the money. how many 30yr olds get a chance to make 6 figures? he had to jump at this opportunity.

then they took their sweet time sending him an offer letter. bc the HR lady was out for a week. so i can't tell anyone all that time. and i feel like my life is in limbo. then they finally gave him the offer. ok....still can't say anything. why? because he's gonna give his 2 weeks notice and wait for a counter offer. yeah right.

so week 1 goes by, nothing. week 2 comes along and he says to the rest of the office, hey i'm leaving, its my last week. and they're like what?? so they start making phone calls and FINALLY my husband gets a call from the big boss in spain and he talks to him about what he wants. he tells them. he never expected them to match the offer bc it was really high. but he was willing to take less. they went for the number he gave them. its still 20k more than he makes now. so that was fucking awesome. because he wanted to stay anyway.

but we still can't say anything because this guy's word is worth shit. he's always promising stuff and never doing anything. one of the problems at this company is nothing ever gets done. anyway today is the last day of his 2 weeks notice and he was like look, if i don't get something in writing by friday then i'm starting the new job on monday. he gets a call yesterday from the big boss saying, you'll get the paperwork tomorrow. yeah yeah we'll see.

so now it looks like, though its still not 100% set, that we'll be staying here, he's gonna be making more money, and still keeping the same hours and perks. which will be awesome when we have the baby to have him here 2 days a week.

we're gonna look for a 2bedroom or 3 bedroom in this building. he's gonna let me buy furniture. and then we're gonna get ready for baby. bc we're gonna start trying super soon. hee hee. i swear i could not be happier. do many good things happening, i'm busting!!

cleanse day 7

well the weird thing is that the morning pills didn't come with enough. so i don't have any to take on day 7. but the night pills came with too many pills, enough for 9 days. weird right?

anyway i've been noticing certain changes.

-i feel flatter, thinner
-i can't say i'm pooping so regularly, bc i'm not going more than once a day, but interestingly enough, there's no odor.
-i sleep different. its not good juicy sleep. its empty mechanical sleep. i don't like that.


the cleanse hasn't been hard at all. i had no problem doing it for 7 days. in fact it kept me on track with my waters.

it was probably not the smartest thing to do a colon cleanse the same week i get my period. because i'm already gassy and poopy during those times. lol. sorry but its true. so the first couple days were a bit cray cray. but after that i didn't really have any issues. i could feel myself flatter and thinner.

i weighed in today and i'm at 167lbs. thats 1.5lbs below my lowest weight. i had been teetering at 169/170 for weeks. so i'm very happy to be where i am. :) its not a huge weight loss but i'll gladly take it. i just hope it sticks and i don't gain it again after this week.

i'm also 1/2 an inch smaller on my waste which is awesome because i haven't lost any inches in months. so i'm super happy. but i wonder if once my period is gone if i'll lose a teeny bit more. here's hoping. but i think i might gain again the way my body is.

on another note i'm finding it impossible not to eat carbs. i try but i just can't seem to do it. i have to eat bread at some point in the day. i mean its either high in fiber or multi grain but its bread. i've been doing ok this week. try to keep it to 1 or 2 servings of "carbs" a day. and by carbs i mean grains. because there's carbs in just about everything. i've been having a sweet tooth this week and had a moment of weakness with some m&ms.

and yesterday i HAD to make cupcakes for 2 orders. i ended up eating some batter, frosting (i had to test it but i got so sick of it) and a couple pieces of cupcake (again, testing). but last night i had 2 mini cupcakes. now there are no cupcakes in my house. whew!

anyway i'm so fucking happy. so many good things going on in my life......but thats for another post.

did you hear that?

that was my stomach! its been making gurgling noises all day. and i've had a lot of liquidy stools (tmi sorry). its day 3 of my cleanse and i'm glad to see something is happening. at least things are moving.

well grace...

my cleanse starts tomorrow! wish me luck! lol.

whats the powder like? i hope i can get all the pills down and get enough water in. i mean i have to drink a lot of water anyway. this will just be killing 2 birds.

Hopeful

Woke up today feeling like a failure. been feeling that way a lot lately. for not having lost more weight by now. for not dropping in sizes like i was before. for not being in a bikini like i thought i would be by now. for not being ass successful as my doctor wanted me to be.

my cousin posted this quote on fb today:

"Almost all of our unhappiness is a result of comparing ourselves to others." 

keep swimming towards YOUR OWN happiness! :) ♥

Its true isn't it? she also said to me on twitter:

don't beat urself up! It will be fine! You have done great...think positive!!!! ;) xo. u know how our bodies work! You have prob hit a plateau! U will figure out how to get it going again. Don't stress :)

Yeah...a plateau! of course! everyone hits that plateau around this time. sometimes for months!  i  know i will never lose as quickly or as much as before. but i will keep pushing on. stop beating myself up and push through. and eventually the scale will go down again. there's no deadline. honestly if this is all the weight i lose i should still be very proud of myself. i'm 90lbs lighter. i'm way healthier. my BMI does not define me (i've lost 20 bmi points btw). i'm not going to try to be the weight my surgeon or others expect me to be. i can't live for other people.  but i will stay positive. this plateau is not going to get the best of me.

on another note i went to the gyno today. she was very proud of my progress. and was very supportive of my choice to try to conceive. she said i should get off the pill and just start trying. and that hopefully next time she sees me i'm pregnant :) that made me so happy. i finally have the go ahead, i know its the right thing and its time. finally. no more delays. i couldn't be happier. i've waited for this so long.

you know whats weird?

I hardly eat as it is. I find it hard to get in my waters and protein. i wake up, have a protein shake, it keeps me full for a couple of hours. then i drink 2 waters. then i get hungry. i'll eat something. sometimes something small like crispy jalapenos salad toppers (i probably shouldn't be eating them too much) then i'll get full again for a bit. sometimes i'll want something like a salad (no protein) or corn soup (no protein plus corn =carbs) so even though i enjoy it, i don't get any protein. sometimes i'll have something like an egg and bacon and maybe toast. by that time its 3or 5pm. and then i stay full for a long time. then i try to drink my 3rd water before dinner. then at dinner i'm hungry. i eat a meal. some kind of meat with some side dish. and then i have to wait a couple of hours before i can drink my last water.

i swear its work. it really is. its work to get in all the protein and the water. the other day i just went to bed without drinking my last water. i was just so tired.

what should i be doing? eating more small meals? eating 3 more substantial meals? i'm lost.

am i nuts? i see people eating things like popcorn or rice cakes and losing weight. meanwhile i stay away from those things because they're high in carbs. anything rice, or corn, or potato. but maybe i should just let myself live a little. maybe if i allowed a little more into my diet i would have more balance, more moderation? i dunno!! i mean i'm scared of popcorn. i could easily start to get in the habit of eating it and thats not what i want.

i wish i knew what to do to get this train rolling again. i don't think depriving myself of more is the answer. i don't think eating NO carbs is the answer. what am i missing?

my problem is that i get really sick of liquids and liquid textures. i need saltiness and i need dry crunchiness. so i can't just drink protein shakes, greek yogurt, etc.

it was easier when i ate a lot of cheese. i'd have a slice of cheese and peanuts all the time. then i got sick of the cheese. and i lost a little weight and i thought oh maybe the fat from the cheese was keeping me from losing more.

i think thats my biggest problem now. i worry so much about the carbs, that i'm definitely kind of bad with the fat. its hard to balance. i mean, you have to have taste somewhere.

sometimes i wish i had gotten RNY

yeah i said it. i look on this pregnancy forum on obesity help.com and i keep seeing these women who lost 120lbs or more and who got all thin. you lose the most weight with RNY.

i dunno. its just gotten so hard. i'm almost a year out and its gotten so hard to lose weight. i lost 90lbs and at this rate i honestly don't know when i'll lose 100lbs. you think, its just 10lbs, no  prob. but i'll lose, if i'm lucky 1lb, then maybe gain 2, then lose 1, gain 4, lose 3. you see what i mean? sigh....

i feel like a bit of a loser because its gotten so hard for me. i still eat well. but i find it almost impossible to cut out all bread products like my doctor wants me to do. sigh. i can't lose any more. i wanted to get to 100lbs of weight loss. my goal was 120lbs. psh. at this rate i won't make it to 100lbs weightloss  by end of august. sigh....

maybe i should have just gotten RNY.  i could have lost more. but dumping and never eating any sugar sucks.

people saw all this weight loss. they got used to seeing me thinner every time they see me. now that doesn't happen anymore. i don't think they understand i stopped losing. and if they find that out they're gonna think i'm fucking up. don't get me wrong, i have my moments. but don't we all? for the most part i eat well. its just so hard.

google plus sucks

lol. i prefer facebook. but i'm sure the future will be google +. let me know if you want invites. leave your email address and i'll send you one.

britain britain britain

I've been watching a lot of BBC America and i'm really fascinated by british culture and especially by all the accents. I'm a big voice persona and i have an ear for accents. i'm fascinated by them.  i'm also so intrigued by english idioms. they call pork rinds pork scratchings. they call chips crisps and fries chips. they call people "fit" instead of hot. at least i think thats what they mean by fit. i love learning all this stuff.

i would love spend some time in britain and experience their culture. especially christmas.

i've gotten to that stage now

where the free ride is over. oh man i remember those glory days, the first 6 months after surgery, where the weight would just fly off. i didn't even have to try!!

now not only do i have to try ALL the time to lose weight, i even have to try NOT TO GAIN! thats so not fair you know? even before surgery i would never gain 4lbs in a week. wtf is that? you would think i was eating nothing but fast food and candy bars. and i haven't had either since surgery!!!! this sucks man. sigh...

back on the wagon

i went to the gym today! finally! after 2 weeks. i went to my powerflex class. it was fun. i'll admit, there are some moves i just didn't do. its been 2 weeks!! i'm gonna be sore tomorrow. i was actually gonna stay after class for a hip hop class but they moved it to tomorrow. i totally wanna do it. it sounds so fun. like more of a choreography class than a work out.

i feel about going though. i did have fun. :)

omg, seriously atkins bars?

like i told you, i bought these the other day

if you're anything like me you know that these protein bars always look amazing but they always taste like the same thing. thick, dry, protein. so i wasn't expecting much. holy shitballs. i must be really hard up for a candy bar bc this tasted JUST like a baby ruth to me. wow! the middle was more like nougat than protein bar. it wasn't dry. it doesn't feel like you're eating a protein bar. this is a real treat. great for when i get those sweet cravings after dinner. score!

Ensure high protein

Well I bought some. Chocolate. I'm drinking it now. Its not bad. Tastes like slim fast and does have a bit of an after taste. But practical stuff: its $9.99 for 4 bottles vs $20 for a 2 week tub of my protein powder, its 14oz for 25g of protein vs 8 oz  for 31g of protein from my protein powder. I mean i'm halfway through the bottle and i don't even want anymore. So realistically it doesn't make sense for me to get these.

They're good for my husband though. He can easily drink them on the way to work where as with the shaker bottle of protein powder its a little more of a hassle for him. But again, at this price i'd just buy a giant pack of slimfast.

I also bought those Glucerna butter pecan shakes. They're small, with 10g of protein and 6g of sugar. I figure they'd be good as snacks (not to replace a protein shake).

And I bought these:

What I really wanted was these :

But they didn't have them in the store. so i got the first ones. i haven't tried them yet. i'll let you know.

have you tried Ensure High Protein?

I saw a commercial for it this weekend and it peaked my interest. 25g of protein, 5 grams of sugar, 3g of fiber. Thats pretty good for one of these little rtd shakes. For my 2 week liquid diet before surgery i lived off of Glucerna butter pecan. It was soooo delicious. But at only 10g of protein and 11g of sugar its not worth it to do it now. although i looked it up and now its got 6g of sugar and the rest is sugar alcohol. but i wonder if still at only 10g of protein if its worth it. its probably not too filling. might be good to keep around as a snack to take the edge off. like string cheese or something. but not to replace my protein shake.

and i know i know, i have my ideal protein powder but the truth is after a few months i'm getting sick of the taste. it happens. so i'm curious to try this ensure. i doubt it will taste good at all. usually things high in protein don't taste good. but its got a decent amount of sugar so that might help.

has anyone tried these? also can anyone recommend any good tasting snack bars? glucerna, atkins, etc?

this week

its been interesting. some big things are happening. but i've also been lazy. monday i skipped my workout. just couldn't bring myself to do it. tuesday i actually went but they cancelled my class so i went home. wed i skipped, plus there are no night classes i like on wed. today i had 2 possible classes to go to but instead my friend came over with her kids and we hung out from like 4pm to 9:30pm. so no class today. instead i ate a cupcake. so that makes the....4th cupcake i've eaten this week. i tried to do no carbs but that didn't work. at all.

so yeah. no workout plus cupcakes. not expecting anything on the scale tomorrow. hoping for no gains.

florida girls i need your help

for those of you who live in broward i need some info. i'm so ignorant with anywhere outside of dade county. what are safe places to live? what are some towns to avoid?

crystalized lemon powder

look what i found at the grocery store.

 i was like huh whats this? lemon in powder form? sounds intriguing. so i bought it.

i was hesitant because i have sensitive teeth and i haven't been able to have lemon in my drinks for a long time bc the acid wears away at my enamel. but i tried these, only used half a pack (didn't need the whole pack), and they're great! wow! finally able to have lemon again! sweet!!

dr. apt

well that went exactly as i suspected. bla bla bla, don't eat any carbs, blah blah blah you should be losing 10lbs a month easily, blah blah blah you should be 130lbs. oh really? because you NEVER set a goal weight for me. never even asked me. the goal i set for myself was 140lb fuck you very much. oh and one more thing, you can eat my ass.

anyway, when she asked if i'm taking my multi i told her i switched to a prenatal and she said WHY? i told her i want to try to conceive starting in august. she's like, you're supposed to wait 2 years. i just looked at her with a face like, thats nice. her reason?? well despite what everyone around me thought, that it was somehow unsafe for me, that maybe my body couldn't handle it, or that i was being somewhat irresponsible, the real reason was she wanted me to lose all the weight before i get pregnant? why? because i'm gonna gain weight. DUH sherlock! so you see? there's no medical reason for me not to try for a kid. so there. in everyone's face. and by everyone i mean ppl who don't read this blog. these people don't care about me. if they did they wouldn't leave me waiting for an hour. all they care about is numbers, stats, big results so they can look good. and of course that sweet sweet return business that is plastics.

someone asked me the other day, what are these ppl doing for you? the answer is absolutely NOTHING. all they do is make me feel shitty and waste a huge chunk of my day. honestly, every visit is so completely meaningless. they weigh me, take my blood pressure, tell me i'm not skinny enough, ask me what i eat, lecture me for not being perfect, touch my stomach and then send me on my way. i really have no reason to go to them unless there's something wrong. i don't even feel like there's a reason to go back for my 1yr follow up. they don't even care about my vitamin levels because they haven't taken my bloodwork since surgery.  well fuck them. fuck them right to hell. i don't need it.

everyone stresses how important it is to see a surgeon. honestly, unless something is wrong i really don't see the problem. my reg doc can take my blood and check my levels. i've just had it with them.

oh whaaaaat?

i did boxyflex twice this week. after monday i was so sore for 2 days i could hardly sit!!! i weighed in thursday morning bc i knew after my thursday workout i would gain more muscle. i weighed in at 170lbs. which is good. i was at 169lbs before the 2lb weight gain from kickboxing. so at least i lost a lb and i'm not just putting on more and more weight. then for shits and giggles i weighed in this morning.

168.5lbs!!!!! YES!!! i'm down 1/2 a lb from my last lowest weight!! yes!! thishas me sooo jazzed i'm thinking of going to the 10:30am powerflex class today. i know i should give my body a day to recover but how badass would it be if i went? i know i'm not gonna weigh this when i go to the surgeon today. because a. they scale is a bit diff than mine and they have a diff starting weight for me. b. i have to eat before then so its gonna throw my weight off anyway. so this workout won't ruin things for me. because i already know i was down to 168.5!  woop woop! i am so sighing up for bally's.

*update* i did go to the 10:30 powerflex class! ha! badass.

I WANT ICE CREAM!!!

is there any kind of ice cream we're allowed to eat. lol. what can i eat a cup of that i don't have to feel horrible about later? any suggestions? frozen yogurt? something low sugar? low fat?

Do you still drink protein shakes?

You know what i noticed? since i started working out i haven't wanted protein shakes. i drink one before a workout but i used to drink one every morning but now i'm like I WANT FOOD. i just want food now. i would rather eat than drink a protein shake.

i've heard some people say they stopped drinking protein shakes when they started eating food. i've heard some say they were years out and still drink a protein shake a day. i was just wondering where you guys stand on the whole protein shake thing.

i feel a bit guilty not drinking one every morning, and sometimes not at all, but i guess its not a bad thing to get my protein from food instead.

i'm STILL sore!!!

its been 2 days and its still hard to walk. sitting down to pee is painful! even laying bed, moving around hurts! can you believe it? such an easy work out and i've never been this sore in my life!!!

naturally i'm looking fwd to going back.

i was thinking of taking a cardio class tonight. but i got my period today and i'm super sore so i don't know if thats gonna happen.

speaking of which, i have my period, i'm gonna do this workout again thursday night. i weigh in friday morning. its not gonna be good. between the water retention and the muscles. foggedaboudit. i hope i just keep losing and gaining the same 2 lbs and not just gaining and gaining. bc that would be horrible!

we'll see.

PowerFLex

Yesterday i went to Bally's for my 7 day free trial. The people who work there are sleazy salesmen (the lowest form of life), and the gym is like 3 stories and super packed. It was a rat race. And a maze. And no one was friendly. It was every man for himself.

Then I took my class. Powerflex. Its just like Stephanie's BodyPump class only it has a diff name. But you still use a barbell to do resistance exercises. I have to say, i FINALLY found a workout class that was my speed. This was exactly what i've been looking for. NO CARDIO!! in fact it was pretty easy. i felt a little guilty. but the truth is, even though its not high impact, resistance works. my legs were so shaky by the end that it was a struggle to get down the stairs. at the end of class we all clapped and i smiled. i loved it!

but then i had to go back out to the wolves. and they pulled me into  a back office and pressured me to get a membership after only taking 1 class on day 1 of my 7 day free trial. they told me there was some special that ends wed. and were pressuring me to take advantage. i HATE HATE HATE being pressured. i held my own though. wouldn't let them get to me. fuck that. i'm getting my free 7 days motherfucker.

i had wanted to try zumba but it turns out not only do you have to pay extra (on top of membership fees) for the zumba classes, they're not available to non members. so i can't take it.

this morning i'm sore all over. and i'm sure with a class like this i'm gonna gain muscle which will lead to higher numbers on the scale. but thats ok.

i'm really torn though.

Pros:
-i really like powerflex.
-the gym is right across the street from me
-they have a different classes so i won't get bored
- i would be working on regularly
-i guess it costs the same as kickboxing
-more fun than kickboxing
-the teacher is nice and the students seem nice

Cons:
- you have to pay more for zumba
- not enough evening classes
-the variety of classes isn't great
- that place makes me feel dirty
- the people in the gym part and the staff are HUGE dbags
-i don't want to give into the beast
- i can't work out with ed, bc it would cost double for him to join too
-ed wouldn't take any of the classes, if he would his schedule wouldn't permit it

i'm so torn. am i making the right choice? should i sign up for it? i wish i could take that class and move it to another place outside of that gym. it really feels like a nasty place. its such a turn off. but i would be willing to suck it up to go to classes i enjoy. i dunno. i'll have to think about it.

i gained 2 lbs!!!

this isn't the first time i gained weight. its the 2nd. and i wasn't happy about it last time either.

i refuse to believe i caused this by eating marshmallows and rice this week. no no! i refuse! because i've had weekend cupcake binges and nothing happened.

no...it must be muscle mass. i'm throbbing after last nights kickboxing class. he worked us so hard. i've gone to 4 kickboxing classes. i'm not sore anymore. surprisingly. i expected to be so sore today. but now i just feel heavier. does that make sense? i feel like i'm wearing weighed down shoulder pads and weights on my legs. stronger. but heavier. i'm sure thats what it is. and if so, thats ok. but still, no one likes to see the scale go up.

especially since i have my surgeon apt next week. and they ALWAYS make me feel like shit. they never say anything encouraging or congratulate me on my accomplishments. its always like, you haven't lost enough, what are you doing wrong? are you eating carbs? i told you not to eat carbs. sigh..i'm sorry, i'm 10 months out, not eating carbs is just not realistic for me. i eat LOW carb, but every now and then i'll have some rice, some bread or a cupcake. but i'll never tell them about the cupcakes. are you kidding??

and on top of that i'm gonna tell them about wanting to start trying for a kid after my 1 year mark in august. to which i will no doubt receive a barrage of lectures. i really loathe going to my surgeon. they always make me feel like shit. i'm gonna have to man up and wear a mask and try not to let them get to me.

anyway...i'm sure its muscle mass.

old pic

a very unhealthy unhappy me in 2009

kickboxing day 2

super sore yesterday and today. this time we walked to class (20 min walk) did an hour of intense cardio then walked 20 min home.

i'm so weak right now.

had class with my hubby and best friend. that was cool.

Kickboxing recap

So kickboxing was intense! The cardio part sucked big donkey balls in butter. But the punching and kicking part was fun. I am sooo proud of myself for getting through an entire class without complaining or whining or making excuses. I just did what i could, what i couldn’t do i modified it. but i never just did nothing. I had a smile on the whole time and i’m just so fucking proud of myself! 


the craziest part was that my husband had to stop pretty early on. he was down on the floor and could hardly breathe. he had to go to another room and lay down till he caught his breath. this was so surreal because i've never seen him like that. my husband is tall and average weight. maybe he has some extra lbs on him but he's a strong guy. it was my fault i told him to eat before class and he ended up eating right before. he ate 2 sliders that were left over from the night before and a pb & j. well eating that and then doing vigorous cardio right after is a recipe for disaster. he was embarrassed because the owner who was taking care of him thought that he wasn't used to exercise. and that he was out of shape or something. he wants to redeem himself thursday. 


but i have to say, i felt like kind of a badass for going and going when he was down and out. i was like wow...am i more in shape than him? how crazy is that? i think the instructor was impressed with me too. it felt so good. i just decided i was gonna keep going till i really couldn't do something. but i pushed myself and i never hit a wall. it felt amazing :)


The worst was the sit ups because the floor is flat and hard and my butt bone is right up against it. its painful. i'm hurting there today. it feels bruised. next time i'll bring a towel and fold it and put it underneath me and hopefully that will help. i also hated the push up then stand up then down and push up and repeat a million times. lol. the thing i did like is that if you can't do it or if you have to take a break or slow down they don't tell you anything. which i appreciate. i don't want to be yelled at. so because of that i kept a great attitude the whole time. the kicking and punching was fun. kicking is harder than punching. i'm really good at punching. my arms and shoulders are strong. but i don't have that much range of motion in my legs.


today i'm not that sore. but my legs are sore all over. which is interesting. am i hooked? no. am i going back? hell yeah. we'll see how i feel after 3 classes. its NOT easy. its intense.


what i would really love to do is Body Pump or something similar. less up and down cardio and more weight based stuff. i really enjoy weights and resistance stuff. i hate cardio.

Kickboxing!! ahh!!

I was so inspired by Stephanie M and her Body Pump class that i started looking for classes to take. Not wanting to join a gym (not ready for that kind of commitment) i found a place by me that offers 3 classes for $20. If you like the classes you can join for $99 for 3 months.  So i signed up for today!! ahh! the best part? My husband is going  with me! yay!! i'm so nervous but i'm so glad he'll be there with me. I've always wanted to try something like kickboxing but the old me would never had done it. I don't like to do things that are hard. But i'm gonna push myself! :) Part of my new years resolution, be more adventurous!

I already made tonight's dinner so that when we get home i just have to warm it up. Salmon, salad and green beans. :)

i'll post a blog entry afterwards and let you know how it went!

it never ends

today at my bday bbq my friend's dad (friend of my parents) gave me some lecture about losing weight. he's overweight. and dieting, doing it  "the hard way" he says. and he was totally looking down on me for having surgery. like what i did was the easy way out and he's doing it the old fashioned way. and insinuating that i would stretch out my stomach or gain it all back if i'm not careful. basically telling me things i already know. duh. he's getting on me because its my bday and i'm eating rice and cupcakes and whatever else. even though its in small amounts and i've eaten mostly protein shakes all week. *eye roll* people judge. they just love to judge. but thats ok. because i know its not about me. its about him. his struggles.

me? i'm happy. livin life. i don't feel the need to judge or lecture anyone! life isn't about being on a diet. diets don't work. gotta live life. realistically. everything in moderation.

my bday cake

hey guys!! if you wanna see my bday cake and any other things i bake check out the pics here

http://melibakes.tumblr.com/

it was my first time decorating a cake!!

Just because everyone loves a before and after

here's me on my 30th bday

here's me this year on my 31st bday

Bday girl

Thanks everyone for all the sweet comments. love you guys!!!

even though i was tucking back my batwings in this pic, i still think i looked hot tonight :)

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

YES!!!! FINALLY!!!

i woke up this morning and weighed. still that same stubborn .5lb lingering on my victory. sigh. i thought alot last night about whether i'm being selfish wanting to try to get pregnant before i get to my goal weight. i just feel like i've waited soooo long and the weight loss has slowed so much that to wait till i get to a magic number is excruciating. i thought, am i a big fat failure if i don't get to goal first?

even if baby wasn't on the table. it would still take me months to lose the weight. i have 30lbs till my goal weight of 140lbs. is it doable? i think so. it just might take me till march of next year. and i'm ok with that. i mean i'm annoyed that my mom asks me everytime i see her how much weight i lost. she doesn't understand that the weight doesn't come off like it did before. these days i'm averaging about 2lbs a month. if that. so am i ok with it taking me that long to get to goal. if i didn't want a baby i would be fine. i'm very happy with how far i've come. i'm enjoying life and my new body, and i would just continue to enjoy it while i slowly got to goal. knowing that makes me more ok with  my choice. i'm not giving up. its just a little detour. i don't want to wait for a magic number. i want to have a baby. and after the baby i'll go back to striving for goal. of course it will probably be even harder and take a lot longer. i might not ever get to that magic number. and i'm ok with that.

anyway i took a shower and shaved. and i don't know what happened between waking up in and getting in the shower but i got back on that scale and i was .5lbs smaller! I DID IT!!! I FINALLY HIT 90LBS!!!!!!! man i've been like 2lbs away for a month! ridiculous! i really wanted to have this milestone for my bday. i wanted to have this big number to tote around. its very impressive. of course it will take me MONTHS to lose the next 10 lbs. i would love to lose it by my surgerversary in august but thats a long shot. i'll be happy with 5 more lbs though.

anyway i'm super stoked to finally say i'm lost a whopping 90LBS!! woohoo! go meli!!
What a great start to my birthday :)

tomorrow (june 2nd) is my bday

i'm gonna be 31. i'm gonna start a family soon. one thing i've realized is life is too short. i have no need to keep people in my life who contribute nothing to it. thats why i'm constantly deleting ppl off facebook. i'm very selective of who i let into my inner circle. nothing personal, but i'm not a fan of acquaintances. having them is one thing, but letting them into my every day life is another.

i also feel like if you share nothing about yourself, yet you see everything i share about myself, its really unfair. and if you never talk to me, never leave comments, never respond to my comments, i don't really need you around.

this is all in regards to facebook of course.

but now i'm thinking...sigh...maybe its time to end some real friendships. people get older, grow apart, and sometimes they're better off going their separate ways. i'm really just at a point where if you cause drama in my life i don't really need it. if everything we say pisses us off maybe we shouldn't be friends. maybe we're better off apart. you have your life and great new things happening, so do i. and what i've noticed is, we don't have much in common anymore. our lives don't really intersect. its no one's fault. people just grow apart and go in different directions. you have your work, your bf, your other friends. i'm married and starting a family. we're at diff stages in our life. you work hard, i don't work. you judge me. i know. and thats ok. lets just not beat a dead horse. i'm not saying lets never talk again, but its ok if we're the kind of friends who only see each other once a year.  i feel like we're holding on to something that isn't there.

so thats that. you'll never read this. i kind of hope you won't. because i'm a chicken shit. and i don't really wanna deal with the wrath that would be your reaction. but honestly i'm sick of walking on egg shells.

sigh....

i seem to always offend  or upset ppl. i must have diarrhea of the mouth. i just say whats on my mind. thats my burden, i have to express myself or i'll explode. the problem is i say whatever pops into my head and it gets me in trouble. i always offend someone. people get mad at me all the time. whether i say something sarcastic to be funny or if i just say how i feel.

i hate this feeling. i hate ppl being mad at me. i'm a class A people pleaser. right now i pissed off my friend and its so stupid. the best thing i can do is just not say anything and let it blow over. i already apologized but she's like me (another problem) and the anger is still there. just gonna hope that things blow over. frankly i'm sick of apologizing. i'm not gonna beg. i really don't care that much.

i swear i'm gonna end up a crochety old lady with no friends.

Transferring happiness

you know what i noticed today? before, when i was really heavy, i used to get so happy and excited when i would score some mcdonalds, get some ice cream from the store and candy for later. it would make me sooo happy. i got my bliss from food. emotional eater for sure.

but you know what i noticed today?? as i was running errands i noticed that i got that high from other things. now i get giddy about shopping for cake supplies. its like my disneyworld. i get sooo excited and inspired and get so many ideas. i want to make so many things. i'm always excited to look through my loot when i get home. i went to the grocery store an bought some sprouted grain bread and a new bigger mug for my tea. these are things i look fwd to. :) i'm so proud of myself for being able to transfer my happiness into something productive. and now i can be passionate and obsessed with baking. i love it.

i've been good. so don't worry about me. i indulge like once a week. but i'm still doing well :) everyone tells me i've found my calling. i'm not 100% sure because i've had many passions in life. i go head first into something, then get bored and move on. so i'm not sold yet. but i have been cooking for many years. and baking. just not on this scale. i truly truly love it. it combines my foodie passion with my love of creativity and decorating and wrapping even down to the packaging. i love it! i love designing logos and everything else. i just love it all. this is the first "passion" i've ever had where i'm actually making money. well no, not true, i made some good money for a little while when i did voice over. but this is the perfect part time, work for myself, career. i'm just so happy. and i fee like i found it. and i don't need to look anymore. this is it.

you know what i miss?

slurpees. i was a slurpee feind. i'd never drink them now for a couple reasons. 1. talk about drinking your calories,  the sugar rush would damn near kill me. 2. i couldn't stop at one, and i don't wanna open that can of worms.

 but still....let us bow our heads...

damn blogger

blogger is being horrible today. this is the first time i can post. and i can't even find my baby blog i started last week. they said it doesn't exist. they better fix that shit.

anyhoo!! guess what!?!? i lost 2lbs this week!! i was really good. tried not to eat carbs. i ate a lot of fruit and had alot more protein shakes including for dinner 2 nights this week. yay! i hope i can keep this up. i want to get back on track to goal.

i told my husband today

well its been days since my revelation and i still feel the same way. :)

i told my husband today. i was a little scared of what he would say, although i don't know why. he said if i don't get it now i won't be able to get it for a long time because with kids we won't have the money. i told him it was ok and it would get done eventually (even if its 10yrs from now). i asked him if it was ok if i stayed with this body, he said of course. he loves me the way i am and i'm the one who wanted the surgery to feel better about myself. i told him its true, but i want a baby more. so he was like..ok when do you wanna start trying. i told him i wanted to wait till august and try to get closer to goal. he's fine with it. honestly he just can't wait to start trying because he thinks it means he's gonna get lots and lots of sex. lol.

i can't wait to start trying. and its such a good feeling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

just wanted to tell you...

the things i talk about in here are things i can't tell my doctors or people on obesity help because they would all judge me. and they don't sugar coat it either. they have no problems lecturing. but you guys are a sisterhood. we all have real world problems. we all have our good days and bad. but i never see anyone tearing each other down. we're all here to listen and support each other with a sympathetic ear and an understanding heart. i just want you to know how much i appreciate you. even though i don't comment on all your blogs, i do read them, and i read all your comments on mine. and you ladies are my rock. i feel like i can tell you anything.

and i want to thank you so much for that.

getting back on track

so as you know i'm doing this cupcake thing. the fact that i get sooo focused on one thing at a time (weight loss, and now my cupcake business) has caused some problems. let me tell you i think about baking constantly. i go to bed thinking about it, dream about it, wake up thinking about it. i have so many ideas. i love being able to use my creativity with no limits! i can't believe how much this thing has grown already so organically. i have tried very hard for so many things that never happen but this...its not work. its fun and i love it. its just like its meant to be. i'm not even trying and its blossoming.

but because i'm so focused on that i've been slacking on my workouts and occasionally i will eat some of my test batch which i've gotten better about. last time i made these dark chocolate cupcakes and i didn't taste not one. dark chocolate does nothing for me. in fact the only thing i would say is a huge weakness for me is the cookies. i don't know why. they're so chewy, i like the texture. and i made an order of black and white cookies....mama mia...this is my kryptonite.

but this week i've been getting better. i went to the gym twice. like i said i only cook at the end of the week. i even rearranged my pantry and cabinets to make room for all the baking stuff i had piled up on the counter with no place to put it. finally it all put away neatly and it feels so nice. out of site out of mind. not so much that seeing it made me want to eat baked goods, but seeing it made me want to bake! this way clear kitchen, no distractions, i can focus more on me and going back to normal.

last night's revelation is still sitting really really well with me. :) when i started this baking thing i gained 1.5lbs. then last week i lost it. whew. my mom seems concerned that i'm playing with fire (and i can understand her concern) and she asked me the other day, are you still losing weight? and i said yes. and she said "great how much more have you lost?" that pissed me off. a lot. because she expects me to wow her every time i see her. bitch i just saw you last week. wtf. weight loss is slow. i hate when she asks for a number, its like, if the number isn't high enough then i'm disappointing her. pisses me the fuck off.

anyway this week i lost another .5 and i was very grateful for it after the month i've been having. i'm just trying to get back to my slow but steady weight loss. its amazing how much it slowed down (even before the baking thing). the first 6 months i was ahead of the game, doing so well. and then...bam. its a lot harder now. before i really didn't have to do anything and the weight just came off.

so i know i won't reach the goals i set for myself (lose 100lbs by my bday june 2nd; be 150lbs by 4th of july) but i'm hoping to have lost 100lbs by my 1 yr surgeversary in august. that would put me at 160lbs. my goal weight is 140lbs. and i'll continue to strive for that. but as long as i hot 160 i'll be proud of myself. i'll allow myself to move on to the baby making.

but oh god...i cringe at what my surgeon's assistant will say to me at my next follow up. she always thought i wasn't losing enough even when i was losing it faster. fuck her. she never gave me praise only criticism. and thats when i was eating really well!!! there's no way i can tell her i'm starting a cupcake business. no way. any of those doctors would have a field day with the lectures. trust me you guys, if it ever got to the point where it was getting too in the way of my weightloss and i felt i couldn't have it under control i'd wash my hands of the whole thing. i promise you.  i'm very aware of the risks.

when she sees how little i've lost since my last visit, i don't even know what to tell her. she tells me i shouldn't be eating any carbs. yeah ok. stupid bitch. this is real life. i eat low carb. i don't eat no carb. if i ate no carbs at all i'd be telling myself, how much longer do i have to eat like this? just till i reach goal weight? great then after that i can eat carbs again. is that healthy?? sounds like a recipe for disaster. i do admit though that i have to tighten my belt. i've gotten a little relaxed on what i eat. i notice i can eat thing i couldn't eat before, i've noticed i can eat more than before. but i still don't eat and drink at the same time and i still haven't had any soda. but i can't say there aren't times i'm not tempted to do those things.

i have to try to go to the gym more. i just have to try a little more in general. i can't focus ALL my attention on baking. i have to put some on me and my health. but i'm comfortable going at my own pace with the weight loss. as long as the numbers continue to go down.

did i just have a revelation?

i want a baby. bad. like real bad. i've been having dreams where i'm pregnant and i've never been happier, till i wake up and all that happiness is taken away from me. i looked it up. pregnancy dreams have to do with me starting a business. but it still doesn't make it any less real feeling.

i've gotten to this point where everyone says "what are you waiting for?" and i respond with "well, i have to reach my goal weight by my 1 yrs surgerversary (august, which at this rate i probably won't reach my goal by then). Then i tell them that i want to get surgery to remove this gut. To which I get the same responses "why tummy tuck before pregnancy?" "you should wait till you're done having kids". which always pisses me off because they don't know what i deal with. this thing feels like it weights 20lbs! i've been carrying it around for 15yrs. i hate it. and i've worked so hard to get to this point, i deserve to look and feel normal and sexy and fit into regular clothes, look cute in underwear, etc.

it poses such a dilemma for me though. i WANT to start trying for a baby by early next year. but if i have plastics who knows how long i have to wait to get preggers afterwards. i was doing some research, most plastic surgeons really discourage surgery before pregnancy. because you'll just get stretched out anyway. which really isn't a concern for me because, as i said before, i'm not doing this to have the perfect body but i'm trying to start from zero. but then again....when i read about all the recovery i think..wow do i really wanna go through all that just to be stretched out again? believe me, this is not a huge concern.

the thing that really got to me was when i read all these women saying that when they got pregnant after a tummy tuck they hardly looked pregnant. of all the things this was the one thing that made an impact. in my latest dream i had this big round tummy and i LOVED it. i can't wait to have that. and the thought of not showing really bumbed me out. thats when i started to rethink everything.

here's my dilemma. if i go ahead with the surgery i have to wait till november (6 months of records for my dr so that i get covered by insurance). then who knows how long after that i have to wait to get pregnant. i don't even want to wait 6 months, let alone a year. also, insurance will cover my gut but not my thighs. and saving up for that means not going to my cousin alex's wedding in nyc this august. :( but the biggest con of all is waiting for a baby. i've already waited soooooooooooooo long!

then i thought, ok what if i don't have plastics now. cons: i still have this damn gut. can i live with it? yeah i can. i've lived with it for 15 yrs. its not unbearable. i don't get rashes or anything. its just a mental thing. it keeps me from my full potential. and from wearing things i could otherwise fit into. must i wear baggy pants forever ??? sigh...

not to say i couldn't have plastics eventually. but when?? its hard to recover from that kind of surgery with a small child. and i know i'll want a 2nd child. not to mention that insurance sure won't cover tummy tuck after pregnancy. and who will have the money with kids to take care of? i guess i'll be carrying this gut for a long time.

the pros: i don't have to wait! once i reach my 1 yr surgerversary or my goal weight (whichever i feel like it) i can decide for myself whether i want to start trying. i could start trying as early as august! or i could wait till jan. but either way, its my decision and there's nothing really stopping me. i'm at a healthy enough weight range to get pregnant. and of course i want a nice round belly.

also without worrying about paying for plastics i can go to my cousin's wedding.

carrying around this gut is a big sacrifice. i am not going to say i won't go through periods where i hate it and want it gone and blame it for my misery. and i'm not promising i won't change my mind again. who knows how i'll look/feel after another 20lbs.

but as things look for right now. i think i will make the sacrifice and skip the plastics. and just go for the baby. i want one real bad. and i don't look so bad.  i can still look cute. i have back fat, batwings, sloppety boobs, ridiculously gnarly looking inner thighs and a giant apron gut. but nothing is so bad that i can't take it. and you know....eventually...i'll get my body fixed.

i have to tell you, this might be really pre-mature (i have a tendency to get an idea in my head and go full force with it, and then change my mind later) but i feel really really good about this. like a huuuge weight has been lifted off me. how ironic huh?

I got an article written about me!!!

Food Entrepreneur

Girl Seeks Kitchen For a Hot, Sweet Relationship

By Laine Doss, Thu., Apr. 28 2011 @ 9:33AM

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Categories: Food Entrepreneur

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Melissa Toro has a cupcake and a dream.

​Melissa Toro just wants a freaking place to bake her cupcakes and brownies.

The Miami native and owner of Meli Bakes has been looking for a commercial kitchen or bakery for almost a month without much luck.

"I've been trying to start my own baking business, and I was looking into what it would take, and I found out I would need to bake in a commercial kitchen in order to get my license," Toro says. "I've been looking and it's impossible. There's nothing on the internet. I've contacted schools, churches, and caterers. It's been really difficult."

Toro grew up in Miami and went to school in Boston. In the past year she's been trying to get a job without much luck. "Basically I'm a housewife, not by choice," she said. "I started getting into baking for friends. Now I'm obsessed with it. I dream about baking at night. I'm a hoarder of kitchen gadgets."

Not wanting a little thing like lack of an oven to stand in the way of her sweet dream, Toro decided to take matters into her own hands.

She's started the Commercial Kitchen Miami Facebook page, seeking out both independent chefs who are looking for kitchen space and business owners with kitchens they want to lease.

"I thought we could pool together our resources, so I'm trying to build a community. There are other people who are in the same boat, and I just want to get the word out so we can work together."

Toro's certain there's a lonely kitchen somewhere in Miami, just waiting to meet her. Until then, this passionate baker will continue to bake and to dream.

Follow Short Order on Facebook and Twitter @Short_Order.

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Commercial Kitchen Miami, Melissa Toro

link to actual article here