Day 3

i slept late today for the first time in days. don't know why. made myself get up at 10:30 but i would have stayed in bed longer.

i didn't seem to eat much during the day. i mean i was eating pretty much every hour but it was really tiny stuff. seems like i couldn't get full. but its my own fault. i kept trying to save the entree for after my workout but i was lazy and kept pushing the workout back and back and back. so yeah. then i was like...ugh i'm just too tired for that aerobic exercise. BUT i did go for a walk around the pool for about 35 min. I would have gone more but my damn feet were hurting. grrr! my poor arches. i don't know if it was the shoes or what but it sucks. i have a problem with gripping with my feet to keep my balance and my muscles get so sore. so i came back to my apt and started dancing around for like 10 min. i even did some of the moves from my aerobics tape. it was awesome!! my stamina has really improved. i used to not make it through one song. my goal is to be able to dance all night at my 30th bday party next june. :)

so because i saved all my entrees till later i find myself eating a bunch at the end of the day. i had a shake before dinner, then dinner and here i am trying to make room for my last shake so i can go to bed. i guess i could just go to bed, but i really like being able to check off those check boxes that say i had 3 shakes, 2 entrees, and 5 fruits and veggies. lol.

*update* its been a few hours and i'm hungry again so i'm having pudding. booya! check mark! lol. the pudding is still grainy but i'm getting used to it. mixer helps. tomorrow i'll try mixing it a long time and adding extra water and see what happens.

Day 2

Let me just preface this by saying that my camera battery is dead and my parents have the charger. I'm not sure when I'll see them again so until then, no pics. sadly.

Ok so yesterday was Day 2 and I have to say it was better than day 1.

The weird thing, you saw, was that I was up at 5:30am. My stomach was growling and I couldn't go back to sleep. I had water and a banana. It was too early to make a shake, the blender would be too loud. Luckily they had given me a sample of some hot cereal that they have available on the site. So I had that. It was like oatmeal with chunks of raisins, cranberries and currents (whatever those are). The pieces of fruit were delicious but the rest of it was sooooo bland. I guess I'm used to instant oatmeal thats a lot sweeter. I tried adding cinnamon but it didn't really do anything. So I don't think I'll be buying this cereal. It was just too bland.

So ok fine I finally went back to bed at 9am. Then I got up at 1pm. It was my "rest" day on my workout plan so I wasn't obligated to work out. I made a shake. Then later I tried to make the dreaded pudding again. I wasn't ready to give up on it. This time I used a mixer and mixed for a good 3 min to get it as smooth as possible. It was still a little grainy but MUCH better than the day before. It was edible. I figure either I'll get it to the place I want it to be or I'll just get used to the texture. I have to say, knowing what to expect makes it easier. Same goes for entrees.

So let's get to the entrees. My lunch entree was lasagna. I give it an A! It was great. Can't go wrong with lasagna. I even licked the carton clean! lol. So its great to know there are some entrees I will for sure get next time. My dinner entree was Savory chicken which includes 2 small pieces of chicken (surprising to me since CHICKEN is in the title) with risotto, a few mushrooms, and a few carrots mixed in. I was pretty surprised. The risotto, mushrooms and carrots were delicious!! And the chicken also were only 2 small pieces, were good too. I def give this entree an A. yum yum yum. I had it with green beans and a baked potato. Then I drank a strawberry smoothie before bed so i could be nice and full and sleep through the night. And I pretty much did.

right now i'm not hungry but i should eat anyway.

so i'm just gonna quickly show you the times i ate/drank shakes.

5:30am -banana and water
7am-hot cereal
8:15am-shake
sleep
1:30pm-shake
3:00pm-entire bag of steamed corn
4:45pm- pudding
5:00pm-entree
7:00pm-shake
8:40pm-bar
9:30pm-entree w/veggies
11:35pm-shake

Change in attitude

One thing I've noticed recently is that I'm in a much better mood. I'm not so quick to say no to things. Now I say yes. I mean you should have seen my at my grandma's house painting. I didn't complain. I painted on my own. People asked me to bring them things and I did. I didn't snap at anyone or give them attitude. I was amazed at myself! lol.

I'm a HUGE control freak. I need to do things on my terms. But I find myself being a lot more flexible. Which is great. Because I really need a change in attitude. I need to be open to more experiences. I need to enjoy life more. So this is a pretty cool new development. :)

My first HMR phone call is next Tuesday

I'm not worried. I used to worry because I hate having to face someone who would scold me if I didn't do what I was supposed to. But honestly I've been really good. I'm not worried because I'm doing everything I should be doing.

There's all this stuff in the guide that talks about eating a lot so you're not tempted to cheat. I'm not worried about cheating. I know I won't. I just know there are times when I'm just not hungry. So i have to force myself to eat.

But i can't believe how strong i am. Its not even an effort for me. its weird right? almost like i'm hypnotized.

HMR Day 1

Ok so its actually day 2. i was up at 5am for some reason. So I'll take this time to update you on my first day of HMR. Before I begin I just wanna say, I had to weigh myself to get a start point for HMR and according to the scale I've lost 11 LBS since I started working out and eating right a month ago!! woohoo!! 11lbs all on my own!! Its all because I cut out most carbs. What a boost that was. Ok back to where was i...

I couldn't sleep. I was too excited. So the latest I could stay in bed was 8:30am. I woke up and made a smoothie using the Vanilla 120 shake, a whole mango (cut up of course) and about 6 ice cubes. This was my first time making the shakes. It was a learning experience. I blended this stuff so it ended up making 2 big glassfuls of shake. OOF!!! The shake itself was creamy and thick and very tasty.



It was hard for me to drink both glasses. It was like...barf...too much. After a while it was just too much fluff for me. Afterwards I was full but not satisfied. I'm the kind of person who likes hot and salty solid food. So after a couple of hours I had a small baked potato with some spray butter (veg. spray) and it was soooo satisfying!! and on this plan i can have potatoes so i was psyched.

Then came lunch time. I was curious to try one of these non refrigerated entrees. I knew they weren't gonna look like the box. And they would probably be....umm...not the best tasting, but yet i hoped for the best. The entree I chose was:

Looks yummy huh?
This is what it actually looked like.


yeah. i added some veggies though to help out.


how can i explain this entree? hmm.. it was like chef boyardee in a can. thats what it was like. these measly "enchilada" things that fell apart at the touch of a fork, swimming..no...drowning in a watery sauce. the taste of it all wasn't bad. it was just too wet. it ruined the whole thing. a bit discouraging but i just figured ok now i know for next order not to order the enchiladas again. But i needed to get the taste out of my mouth. so i had a benefit bar.


no pic of the bar itself because it was gone very fast. it was so good.

Then since I had worked out early I had energy and decided to volunteer to go paint my grandma's new (old busted) house. I drank a shake before i left but since my mom was rushing me there was no time for the blender. I just threw some powder, water, and ice into a shaker and shook it up. It wasn't bad but it didn't yield much shake at all. Only about half the shaker. I packed a lunch bag with an apple, some water, a pudding pack and another benefit bar. I figured that outta hold me over till dinner. I ended up being there from 4:30 to 8pm. I had my apple and my water. Then my pudding. No pic of the pudding. OMG it was awful!!! It was one of the 70 chocolate shake packs that could also be used for pudding. Just mix the powder with water. Well it was so grainy, no matter how much water i added. I don't know if i did it wrong or what but it was a struggle to get that stuff down. I wanted to gag numerous times. But believe me I put on my game face because I was surrounded by family eating rotisserie chicken and looking at me very skeptically. So believe me I faked that shit. I had my game face on. Yum yum, pudding (gagging on the inside). Then later I had my benefit bar. Or I should say, I scarfed it down.

I got home and had a banana to hold me while I whipped up some dinner. I was a bit more discouraged after the pudding fiasco (since i had so looked forward to puddings after each dinner) but again, i tried to stay positive. I decided i wanted something more solid for dinner. So I chose the BBQ chicken with rice and beans. This one looked a lot more like the box. (box not pictured)


This was a LOT better than lunch. The chicken was like..aahhhh...solid food. It was good. The rice too. The beans i didn't really like but i ate them anyway.
I also had some tomato and avocado salad. the avocado was too ripe. more mush to my day. ugh.

But this was a filling meal. I ended up being really tired from all the physical activity today and wanted to go right to bed. But my stomach was doing weird stuff. I think my body has to get used to this food. its doing some weird numbers on me. i went to the bathroom sooo many times today. and my stomach was hurting at night. like...i was afraid to have ed use the bathroom because its the only one and there was no telling what my stomach might do. luckily after laying down it settled.

but BOING i'm up at 5:30 am the next day. WHY? who knows. I ate a banana and had some water. Its all part of the process i guess.

So my review thus far?? The taste of this food isn't bad, the thing that I have to get past is the textures. I happen to be very sensitive to textures. I don't like fluffy, chewy, slimy, watery. I like crispy, doughy, crunchy, dry, burnt stuff. lol. So this will be a huge adjustment for me texture wise. I have to learn what veggies compliment what foods and hopefully that will help.

So far my fav things are the vanilla 120 shakes (plain or with fruit) and the benefit bars. my least fav? The pudding!!!

Loss of libido? I got things working against me here.

Many of my friends have heard me joke that I don't have sex much. I just don't have much drive. My poor husband is such a trooper to deal with this but it always bothers me. I found out I have Vaginismus a couple years ago. I'm pretty sure it was due to physical trauma I experienced when I had to get a biopsy at this gynecologist in boston. It was the most horrible medical experience of my life and I believe it really did traumatize me. I'm scared to death now to have any medical procedure done. You should have seen me when I went in to get my wisdom teeth out. I had a crazy anxiety attack and started crying uncontrollably and they hadn't even done anything to me yet. The vaginismus sucks because it hurts to have sex. Bad. Unless i use some dr. prescribed lube that takes 10 min to kick in. It numbs me down there so i'm able to have sex. As you can imagine it takes away from all spontaneity. But I have found that if i get really really turned on i can have pain free sex. but like my husband says i need the moon and stars to align to get turned on. i'm very mental.

are you keeping count? thats 2 things working against me so far. A. Vaginismus and B. It takes a lot of mental stimulation and build up to get me turned on.

Now I found out I have PCOS which is a hormonal dysfunction and....you guessed it....it affects libido. According to Incyst (a pcos blog) its just one more thing working against me.

All I can hope is that losing weight and getting healthy will help. More energy, more confidence, more stamina. I'm hoping things change. I want to be normal again. I want to feel like a woman. All my friends talk about how great sex is and how often they have it and i feel like a freak. Not to mention a bad wife.

OMG OMG OMG!! HMR CAME TODAY!!!! YAY!!

OK ok ok ok so i got a big package (2 actually) in the mail today! SO dying of excitement!


The smaller box had the Benefit bars. These don't come with the Quick Start Kit, I bought these extra. They're for times when I'm on the road or somewhere where i can't prepare a shake or microwave food. Like the movies. I've heard they're yummy.


In the big box were the shakes, the entrees, and all the guides and info


Just to give you an idea of some of the entrees


Just to give you an idea of what 3 weeks of food looks like. (it was a mission to find space for this stuff) By the way the box of shakes at the bottom is for making pudding. For dessert! :)


plus these shakes that didn't fit in there!


It also comes with a recipe book. I looked inside there are a lot of cool things you can add to the shakes including fruits, extracts, spices, gelatin, even diet soda!!




The stuff that came inside: Support Guide, Weekly Progress Chart, Quick Start Guide and an order form. Oh and a cd with lots of good info on it.




This is the weekly progress chart. Its a good way to chart my process over the weeks and months.


and...thats it!!! I'm a little nervous but more excited than anything! eep!! I will weigh myself in the morning. I haven't weighed myself since I started last month because I don't like to weigh myself. I prefer to see the changes in my body because if you don't see the numbers you want you get discouraged. But for this I have to chart my weight each week. So I'll weigh myself before I start. I'm kind of curious to see how much I've lost so far on my own. I'm sure its less than what I think. But it doesn't matter. I see my body and I know it looks and feels diff.

So tomorrow I actually start eat these things. I'll report back and let you know how they taste. :) aahhh!!

Buttloads of veggies

Went to Publix today and got enough assorted frozen veggies to last me about 3 weeks. I also got a bunch of diff fruits including mamoncillos!!!


If you've never had them before, they're similar to lychees in texture. Though I've never had a lychee before. These are carribean fruits. Cubans call them "mamoncillos", Puerto Ricans call them "quenepas", Dominicans call them "limoncillos" and Jamaicans call them gineps.


oh and we got a new blender. one that actually crushes ice. the other one we had would leave big chunks of ice. it sucked. this way i can adds fruits to my HMR shakes and make it thicker like a milk shake if i want. i'm ready! my HMR food should be coming monday and i'm excited! i'm all ready to go. i shouldn't have to do groceries for a while. not for me anyway.

NEW LAYOUT!!!

FINALLY!!! Gosh I've been trying to give this blog a new look for weeks now.

Welcome to my beautiful new blog!

I made it myself! The design was mine, I made all the graphics in photoshop. Thanks to Template Mama for actually creating the code. And thanks to my wonderful hubby for putting my graphics together with Template Mama's code. Yay!! I love it! hope you do too :)

Dinner tonight- Stew

Garbanzo beans, chicken, ham chunks, onions, peas, broccoli,potatoes. Hearty. :) Proteins.

Before


After


note to self: don't add the broccoli and peas till the end. otherwise they lose all color and turn to mush.

Project You Type 2- Day 2

well i was kind of excited to do it today because i was actually sore from yesterday! you baleedat?? from the simplest moves. it amazes me. i'll admit though, i was stalling...big time. lol. because i know how hard it is. but i finally jumped in and did it. this time i was able to make it through 15 min (as opposed to 10 like yesterday). so thats good. i figure in a week i might be able to get through the whole thing. *here's hoping!*

Last update on School and upcoming plans

Ok this will prolly be the last school update. Had a meeting with the director today and this is the jist of it:

We won't be getting a diploma but we will getting certificates in the diff modules we've completed (ie: Camera and lights, editing with final cut, photoshop and image manipulation, etc) which is beyond fine with me. And he will put IN WRITING that we will not owe anymore money passed this point. Which is great. I got everything I wanted. I'm fine. He's gonna write up the contract early next week and I'll sign it and be done with this whole mess.

Then what, you ask? Back to being a housewife? Oh hell no. Although I will enjoy watching The View again as well as enjoy taking naps here and there, I will not be a house wife with nothing to do. [not to knock housewives, i loved being one, but i felt empty]

I'll be starting full time on Roodboi Productions. I will be essentially working from home. I won't be bringing in any income at first. I'll mostly be working on projects and creating a really kick ass demo reel. It'll take a couple of months to sharpen my skills to the level I can be proud of and confident enough to call myself a professional. Once that's done I plan to look for a job, hopefully with a production company. I hope to land a couple of freelance jobs along the way. But yeah, this is just the beginning. I'm so excited about having this window of time to just work on all my creative projects. All those ideas I've had for 7 months but never had time to work on them. So watch out! You'll be seeing some cool stuff from me soon. :)

Hello Mona!!

Ladies and...well just ladies really. I have a new follower! Say hello to Mona! This is very exciting because I don't know Mona. lol. So you're the first follower that isn't a friend or a family member. I'm honored! Thanks for being interested in my blog! :)

What i want for my 30th bday

so my dream has always been to have ppl bust out in a spontaneous choreographed number around me. you know, like in movies? what can i say, i feel like my life is a movie and therefore it NEEDS at least one spontaneously choreographed number. so i was thinking.....for my 30th bday next year (which by the way the new theme is "Totally 80s") that we could do a choreographed number. i'm thinking "footloose" or "girls just wanna have fun". every time i hear those songs i picture myself breaking out into a dance.


soo....it would be an awesome bday gift and an awesome memory if some of you guys were willing to do it with me? think about it.

HOLY CRAP!!! started Project You: Type 2 workout

Its pretty cool. It comes with recipes and meal cards. I can use these when I transition into maintenance. :)



So...I didn't go to the gym this morning because we slept in and had to go meet with the director of the school and i figured i would do my new work out dvds when i got home. well i came home, took a nap, and woke up ready to work out.

I popped the dvd in and...HOLY CRAP!!! Its amazing to how such simple looking moves could be so HARD!! i mean, i've been working out but i haven't been doing any aerobic exercise. This thing kicked my ass. seriously. its embarrassing! and i was thinking of doing p90x?? psh. so i wasn't able to get through even half of it! lol. its a 30 min workout and at the 10 min mark i was DYING! so i just kept moving, marched in place and did small movements for the rest of the time, just to keep my heart rate up and keep myself moving, even if i wasn't doing the moves. its gonna take me a while to get through that workout. and thats the BEGINNER one! oof. lol.

Update on School and pics

It was my last day there so I snapped a few goodbye pics.







So we had our meeting with the director and we all decided we weren't gonna pay anymore so he decided to end the course. Now...we're sort of in limbo. he says he could come up with a certificate and call it some kind of self improvement certificate and not a career training certificate. and i'm fine with that. he says legally once we pass the halfway point we're legally obligated to pay the entire tuition. BUT sae doesn't have to insist upon it. which sounds all well and good. we get a certificate and we don't have to pay. however....who's to say that they won't demand the money later on?? so me and the other kids are gonna meet with a lawyer tomorrow. sigh...what a mess. we'll see how it goes.

Shooting on location

Today we spent the day going around to diff locations and shooting. It was SOOO hot. I took some pics for you guys to see.

I've been robbed!

Someone charged $2000 on my debit card. Thing is, I have my debit card in my wallet. And the ONLY thing I EVER use it for, is to pay my school payments. And just after my last payment on July 2nd someone charged $2000 on it. Which means someone probably took my number form the school. This makes me VERY angry. As if i wasn't disgruntled enough about this school. We're having a meeting with the director after class today and i'm all riled up. Some shit is gonna hit the fan. I'll let you know what goes down.

New follower

Just wanted to give a shout out to my good friend Ivonne who recently started following my blog. YAY!! now i have 2 readers! So cool!!!

Its so nice to have you back in the blog world ivo. :)

PCOS runs in the family

Spoke to my mom. Apparently my sis was diagnosed with this a couple of years ago. Gee thats nice, wish someone would have told me. Anyway..thats good, at least she knows. Mom is wondering why me and my sis have this.

My biggest worry

....my biggest worry about leaving school is...

if i chose to leave that means i'm on my own and I HAVE to do well and be successful. the spotlight is on me. i have no one to blame now. no cushion to fall back on. its pretty fucking scary. but its life right? gotta jump right in with both feet. stop doubting yourself. put yourself out there. why am i so worried. i need to believe in myself. i can do it!

I ordered HMR!!

Yay!! I'm soooooo excited!!! I just ordered the at home program. They deliver the food to you. I'm super psyched. I've heard many good things about it. Even that the food is tasty! Awesome.





By the way, the reason I found out about HMR in the first place is because I spoke to a girl who has PCOS and was even heavier than me and unable to conceive. She did HMR and lost like 100lbs and now she has 5yr old twin girls and she's still been able to keep off the weight. So I'm very hopeful and excited. I know I will lose weight, I already am. Only now it will be so much easier because I don't have to worry about cooking at all!! woohoo!! so happy.

FYI I plan to do this program till I've lost the weight I've wanted to lose (I plan to be on it for at least 6 months), then I will go into the maintenance program. and when its time to lose weight after i have a kid i'll probably go on it again. i'm all set. Its not a crutch. I'm already eating right. I know what I have to do and I don't really miss eating badly. But the sheer convenience is what excites me.

If you wanna check out what HMR is all about you can go to their site here

ps. lots of diabetics use this program. its specially designed. so i know its the kind of diet i need. I needed something drastic. And thank GOD i had this option instead of surgery.

my school dilemma - I NEED YOUR HELP!!

So ....let me try to break it down for you and then you can tell me whether I should stay and stick it out or cut my losses and leave.


School start in Jan. Things were going great! I was learning so much. My teacher was awesome! But then at the end of April he broke the news that he was leaving back to Cali. He had his reasons, all valid. I didn't realize how much he went to bat for us with the director until we were forced to deal with him without Jon (our teacher).

Then came Xander (the director) he taught us for 2 weeks. Not entirely bad but he didn't teach us Soundtrack Pro which is what we were supposed to learn those 2 weeks.

After that was Barbara. I hated that bitch with every fiber in my being. She's this little 24 yr old Miami girl. It was like having your friend's ditzy little sister. Ugh......we had her for 4 weeks. I don't know how I made it through that.

Then we had no teacher for 2 days because Xander couldn't find one. Both days I showed up only to find that there was no class.

Then on my bday, surprise!!!! Jon was back!! he came back to miami to sell his truck and offered to teach us after effects. it was the best 2 weeks since he left. It was super intense because we were doing 3 weeks worth of work in 2. i loved it. it was challenging and fun and i loved it.

Then came Nate. Nate taught us absolutely nothing. The whole thing would have been a complete waste if he hadn't taken us to Channel 7. So I see it as a trade off.

Then came Gustavo. He showed us some after effects stuff. It was ok at first. But then he started acting like he was taking over. No one liked him. The guys says he has to be a crackhead. I dunno. He's annoying but not horrible.

Which bring us to Mr. Wonderful. He's like 50 something. He's been teaching tv production for 20 something years. And he treats this class like its a film class, which its not. and I'm sooo bored with production. I just don't like it! In the course of his first week he's been irresponsible with our equipment, smoked in front of us during class, answered his cell and had a convo during class, invited his friend to sit in on our class without saying anything to us, and touched me. I told this stuff to Xander and he gave him a good talking to. But...it doesn't make school in general any better.

I know that the rest of the next few months will be this half assed waste of time. its certainly not worth the money i'm paying. My thing is, I could just be spending this time at home working on these programs and putting together a good demo.


Stay in school
Pros:
Follow through and finish what I started.
Get a diploma.
If i don't stay till the end future employers might see me as a quitter.
I don't want family and friends to think i'm a quitter.
It's only 9 more weeks.

Cons:
Spending money and not getting my money's worth.
Wasting time I could be using working on my demo.
I probably won't get the amount of lab hours I need and could end up not graduating anyway.
I'm totally unmotivated so I'm missing classes and I don't care about assignments anymore.
No one cares about diplomas or degrees, just that you have the skills.
I could be working on my craft and looking for work instead of paying to be bored.
I've learned most of what I wanted to learn already. And what I haven't learned I can learn online.
I don't wanna be a sucker.
The teachers we get suck and they keep going over stuff we've already learned.
The director is a cheap, lazy, jerk who SUCKS ROYALLY at his job.
9 weeks feels like forever when every week seems like a month.
So my options are A. stick it out till the end B. cut my losses and save myself at least $900. HELP!! what should i do??

Info on PCOS

This whole thing is so new to me. When ppl ask me about PCOS I have a very hard time explaining it. So here are some videos just to give you some idea of what I have.






I've sent my mom 2 emails talking about PCOS and how I think my sis may have it, she hasn't responded. I find that really frustrating. Is she avoiding talking about it?

Its a little scary to know I have something that will never go away, that I have to try hard to keep in check my entire life. It makes me kind of sad actually. Sigh...but in the grand scheme of things, when you think of all the sicknesses I COULD have, this is nothing.

By the way these videos were taken from inCYST on the Best which is a blog about PCOS.

Weird weekend.

Wish I had pics to go with this post but there weren't any pics taken.

My brother-in-law came over with his fam (of 5) and stayed here for the weekend. Purpose? Doing a video shoot for my music video project. The weekend was a blur but let me just give you the highlights.

I didn't workout Fri, Sat or Sun.
Waited till 2 hours before they got here to clean the apt.
Got my period. Bad cramps.
Was surrounded by bad food and had many opportunities to eat bad things, but I didn't.
No candy bars, no ice cream, no typical "i have my period i deserve it" foods.
Was MUCH less of a bitch than I could have been.
Stood all day in shape ups and ended up getting a workout after all.
Worked on shooting footage from 2pm-10pm.
Ran into problems with missing equipment at school.
Wrote a long and angry email to my director about this new teacher.

Today I felt very woozy and lightheaded like I had taken painkillers or something. But all I took was midol. I ate the usual breakfast. I thought maybe it was the powder i put in my water to give it flavor (usually i drink plain water) that gave me a sugar crash. I fell into a sleep coma. But I checked the box. Sugar free. hmm....only other thing i can think of is the sweet ham. I ate a couple of slices this morning. Could it have been that? Well either way I feel strange.

But put your minds at ease. Not pregnant. I'm having my period. So its not even an option.

NEW BLOG NAME!

roodblog is changing.....changes coming soon!! keep it tuned here!


http://roodboiproductions.blogspot.com is now http://lovemelimeli.blogspot.com

Project You Type 2

So while looking for info on P90X I found another workout on the same website that was tailored just for someone like me. Its a workout program and nutrition guide designed just for people with Type 2 Diabetes or people like me who are Pre Diabetic.

I'm super jazzed about starting this. I'm already working out and eating right but I really want something thats structured specifically to help people like me.

I just ordered it!! yay!! can't wait!!

so annoying

i can't name my url "its personal" because some dumb ass girl started a blog in 2003 just to write 1 stupid entry about some dude. she obviously doesn't get the whole blog thing. way to ruin it for me dumb ass.

boring!!!

OMG this blog is so boring!! i'm like torn between my 2 sides. since i am a gemini you know. one side is funny and witty. the other one is deeply introspective. Sometimes I just need to get out my thoughts. But most of the time those thoughts are boring to anyone but me. Which is why no one reads my blog.

But I tweet all my witty little funny thoughts. lol. At least there someone reads them. So....do I blog more? Fun stuff plus inner thoughts? Should I start a diff blog for the boringness? lol. I think i need more pics don't you?

Toooooo many inner thoughts. not enough fun stuff. I need to revamp the bloggy blog. That involves changing the name! Since only 3ppl voted, and all votes were for something diff, it falls on me to pick the name myself.

So...stay tuned!!!!

Don't touch me.

I never realized this until this week but I really don't like being touched. Unless your a family member or a close friend or someone i really like, I don't want you touching me. I had no idea it made me so uncomfortable. I wonder what thats about?

Also, even if I do like you, if you touch me forcefully in a way in which you're trying to control me, I will freak out. I have this thing about someone trying to control me. When people pin down my hands I flip out. When people overpower me I totally freak. Its like they're trying to kill me. I literally fear for my life. I wonder what happened in my childhood to make me feel this way.

P90X

I'm really curious about this. Everyone I know who's doing it, loves it. And I don't get it. Whats to love about working out really really hard? Sounds horrible if you ask me. Especially since I hate working out. But people really like it.

So naturally I'm curious. I mean the only reason I'm even considering it is because I've been working out for 2 1/2 weeks straight and I feel stronger. But still..lol. Its just a start. I can walk up and down the mall and not get winded but that doesn't mean I can do P90X. Ed is curious too. It seems like something fun we could do together since most of the ppl I know who are doing it are couples. But the question still remains....can i do it??

You guys!! have you seen this shit?!!? i went online and saw some of the workouts. I almost died just watching these ppl!!! I'm scared to death!!!!

CAN I DO IT??? PLEASE TELL ME.

10 things that make me happy

in no particular order:

1-My husband in a white tshirt and boxers
2-Naps
3-Anything Pregnancy/Baby related
4-Talking with the hubby about our future
5-Getting letters, packages, email or tweets
6-Christmas
7-My loud, funny, wonderful family
8-Making something creative and showing it to people
9-Watching a dvd on the couch with the hubby
10-Cold weather/really cold AC

notice there's no food on this list. i have about 20 food related things i could put on here. lol. but since i'm not eating to be happy anymore i have to find other things to make me happy. :)

Baby making update

I've somehow got it in my head that I will start trying in April. That way I won't be big over the summer, I can be preggers for Christmas, and I'll have the baby in the early months. I don't want an april baby. Anything before April is good though.

But this only gives me less than a year to lose as much weight as possible. But this is not set in stone. After all, I don't even know what my job situation will be. Or our living situation. So it could possibly move to the following year or I'll just get preggers at the end of the year. We'll see.

You get to a certain point where you just don't wanna wait anymore ya know?

Shape Ups

How can a shoe be so comfortable yet make walking harder? i still haven't figured it out. i was winded just walking to the gym! how crazy is that? these shoes are fun. very fun. they kicked my ass at the gym.

we'll see how they feel later today.

Progesterone

Yesterday was my last day of progesterone. So i should be getting my period soon. I expect it to be a doozy.

My doctor sent me a prescription for Yaz. I got the generic. So I will be starting that next month.

This weekend was nice :)

I visited my (newly preggo) friend ivonne and ed and i talked about my fav subjects, getting a house and having a baby. when the time comes for baby we'll be better off than most ppl i know. because we've talked about it soooo much.

anyway we went to sketchers, there was a sale. ed got 2 great pairs of shoes! no more ugly boots! yay!!

we went to the mall today and i got a pair of those sketchers shape ups and they were surprisingly comfortable. the most comfortable shoes since sauconys. but my feet still need to get used to them. i'll let you know how they feel in a few days. see if anything changes.


i was at dadeland and i was hungry. i went to subway and got a 6 inch sub and i brought my own water and an apple. not bad. not perfect. but i mean, pretty good considering.

we ended up mistakingly parking at the entire opposite end of the mall from where we needed to be. so we walked the entire mall twice and i never complained once!!! ed was amazed. :) and then later in the car he went to squeeze my arm fat in an affectionate way (he likes to squeeze me) and he was like "hey, whats going on here, you're all tight." that felt really awesome :)

i really enjoyed this weekend. and i'm so excited about my new shoes!!! :)

you know whats interesting?

in the past i've always needed praise for working out or eating right. like thats what kept me going. but now i don't really need it. i won't ask for it all the time. sometimes i get excited and i'm proud of what i did and i feel the need to share it with people. but i don't need ed telling me i'm a good girl all the time.

i'm just doing it. and its its own reward. how cheesy is that. am i getting annoying yet?

2 weeks and i'm feeling stronger

Yesterday was such a great day physically. My workout was just so amazing. I don't know why. Somewhere after the first 10 min on the elliptical it just got really really easy. And i just kept going, in fact i had to stop because it was getting late. But I found myself bouncing off the wall with energy. When I was at school I found myself wanting to walk around. It felt like I was walking on a cloud. Like...like i had new shoes or something. it was so awesome. I walked up and down the bathroom just because! lol. i found myself bouncing and wanting to stay moving as i was standing talking to the receptionist. i was sooo blown away. because i am usually so lazy and i always avoid any physical movement.

you know what else? i hadn't driven in 3 days because i was sick. and when i drove yesterday i was like..wow. the car was sooo easy to maneuver. it was like....did someone grease the wheel?? i guess i just have stronger arms now! ha! how amazing is that?!! oh my god i've never felt this before. i looove feeling stronger!

i might not be showing weightloss. i probably am not that low on the scale because of all the muscle (i'm not weighing myself) but one thing i'm def noticing is how much stronger i feel.

i was so excited to have another day like that. today, since its my day off, i went in the morning and stayed as long as i wanted. i did 50 min on the elliptical 406 calories. which is a lot. lol. :) i'm proud of me.

and you know what else? i was going thru so many bottles of water that i just decided to fill up this big 32 workout bottle i bought years ago when i was in college and i've been drinking water out of that. gotta save money and the environment.

i really prefer working out in the mornings. its empty. and its a lot easier to go at the start of your day and not at the end when you're all tired ya know? so even on the weekends i'm gonna try to go when i wake up. :)

Ivonne is pregnant!!

Not big ivonne, little ivonne. She's pregnant!!!!!! AHHH!! i'm sooo excited!! a wee bit jealous that its not me but more than that I'm super happy for her. My time will come when i'm ready :) but i'm SOOOOOOOOO happy for her. Bless her heart. Couldn't be happier.

I found an endocrinologist!

Dr. Neil F. Goodman. He specializes in reproductive medicine. So its the best of both worlds. Exactly what I need. I googled "endocrinologist, PCOS, miami" and he was the first result. He had lots of great reviews so I was like, this is perfect! And lucky for me they take my insurance! :)

I couldn't get an apt till Sept. as is the case with most in demand doctors. Good news is I'm not sitting around waiting for Sept to start losing weight. I've already started on my own. So thats good. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. Hopefully I can keep this momentum. But if I do see myself start to waver I will look into HMR. Because I know I need help.

It's all or nothing with me

I told you before, I can either be a good housewife, a good student, or a healthy person but I can only do one at a time.

For 6 months I've put all my focus on school. And I've excelled in that arena. But everything else has gone by the waist side. My apt is just a wreck (I refuse to have anyone over) and my health has suffered significantly as I let the stress get the best of me and found comfort in food.

Having this new diagnosis has lit a fire under me to get my health under control, which I seem to be doing quite well. However, I'm noticing that this has just taken the place of school. I now see my studies going by the waist side. It probably has much to do with the fact that I feel like I've gotten all I need to get out of school and I'm ready to move on, compounded by the fact that after 6 months straight I'm burnt out and ready for it to be over. However its disappointing that I can't seem to handle more than one thing at once. Sure I can half ass a bunch of stuff. But for me to really excel at something I have to focus all my energy on it. Its hard work. Because its hard for me to focus, i'm a scatterbrain by nature. I have to try really hard to focus. Takes so much energy.

Is this bad???? I mean....in life? Am I destined to fail??

You try going to the gym with nyquil still in your system

Not fun. Nyquil sucks. My prescription cough syrup was wayyy better. I woke up and went to the gym while the nyquil was still in my system. That was hard. Anytime I stopped moving I would fall asleep with my eyes open.

Also the ac was off in the gym. I felt like I was in a sauna. It was 86 degrees. All in all an unpleasant experience. I just did my weights for 30 min and got the fuck out of there,

Sometimes...

we get so caught up in our lives. in our day to day wants and needs. and it takes something so earth shattering to break us out of our own world and remind us whats important. people. not things.

cherish each other.

My wish list for the next 6-10 months

Lose weight
Get a job
Get a car
Get a phone with internet so I can feed my Twitter obsession



Thats all that comes to mind right now.

Contemplating HMR

I'm ready for drastic measures. I am.

But here's what I don't need:

People judging me.
People being negative.
People pointing out my mistakes and not my triumphs.
Thats just not constructive.

So many times I talk to certain friends or certain family members who, when i tell them all the good stuff i'm doing, find a way to point out what i'm not doing instead of praising what I am doing. People, thats not helpful. It doesn't motivate me. It tears me down.

So I'm afraid of these weekly "meetings" that HMR does. And probably the same reason I avoid talking to ppl about my weight and why I dread DR appts. Doctors so often tell me "you need to lose weight" but when i try to tell them that i've been trying they just tune me out. "uh huh, uh huh, yeah yeah yeah, you have to lose weight". are you surprised that i loathe talking about my weight to people???? Then there are those times when I go off track. and instead of saying "thats ok, it happens to everyone, the important thing is to get back in the swing of things", they say "see you can't do that, you need to bla bla bla bla".

So yeah..i'm worried going to these meetings will totally turn me off to the whole thing. because negativity just makes me lose hope.

What I do need:

People praising the good things I've done.
People supporting me, and no judging me.
People treating me like a normal human being, not some subhuman.
People who give me ideas, and share their recipes, workouts, and struggles with me.


And endless endless thanks to my cousins who have NEVER judged me. And who continue to support me in everything I do. It means so much to me. Thanks you guys!

go me

sick this weekend but still managed to work out 2 out of 3 days. go me :)

Perez Hilton emailed me back!! woohoo!!

ohhh whhaaatt!!


my email:

i've gone my whole life being overweight. but now that i'm almost 30 and want to have a kid i realized i can't have one unless i lose some serious weight. its like for the first time something clicked in my head where i'm actually willing to eat right and exercise. its the craziest thing. i've been working out for over a week straight already. and i'm still motivated.

seeing your video was so inspiring. it was really important for me to see someone who didn't yo-yo back to their old weight. so many times i've lost a little then gained it back because i couldn't stick to it. and you know, kirsty alley and oprah and ppl like that make it seem so bleak to actually maintain weightloss. but to see that here you are a year later a nd you look so amazing and you're still so motivated. AND you've been able to maintain good eating habits is very inspirational to me.

i was so impressed by your midsection most of all. i was wondering if you could maybe talk about what specific workouts you do to get that kind of cut.

i don't know if you'll read this or not but thats ok. i understand you're busy.

just wanted you to know you're keeping me going. if you can do it, i can do it.

melissa
miami, fl


His response:

Awwww, thanks Mel.
You can do it!!!
xoxo
P


How fucking cool is that?

My diagnosis - PCOS

Ok so here we go...

2 wednesdays ago i had a gyno apt for a pap. my doctor talked to me about getting back on the pill because she worries that i'm not ovulating and thus not shedding the lining in my uterus and this could lead to cancer later on.

she also told me she thinks i have PCOS which is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This freaked me out. Because it sounds like some kind of cancer. Its not. It a hormonal disorder. Your body builds up an insulin resistance which causes your body to make excess insulin and ( I may not be explaining it right, just google it) this causes weight gain and difficulty losing weight. Also women with PCOS have trouble ovulating and conceiving. If left untreated it could lead to Diabetes.

Here's a list of symptoms of PCOS, all of which I have:

-Swelling of intestines (i always feel lumps in my stomach, especially when i'm full)
-obesity
-weight gain (mostly around the abdomen)
-problems losing weight
-few to no periods
-heavy irregular vaginal bleeding (had a very very heavy period for a month in april)
-acne
-depression
-male pattern baldness or thinning hair
-dark skin patches (i have them on my neck)
-facial hair
-redness, itching, swelling

this is amazing to me. they say this disorder is most likely inherited. there's a huge chance my mom or sis have it.

There is no cure. There are ways to treat the individual symptoms. the birth control pills, or progesterone will help regulate your period and ovulate. losing weight is the best fix for this condition.

for the very first time, instead of someone blaming everything on me being fat, someone finally said hey its not your fault. you have a disorder thats working against you. and for the first time i felt like a normal person and not some kind of monster.

it was such a relief to know that all these things i've been feeling aren't just "something that some people get", no they all have an explanation. it made me feel so much better. because it gave me hope. hope that things can change.

i'm very lucky that my doctor caught this now before it turned into diabetes. very very lucky. thank god.

now i know that a diabetic like diet (glycemic index, low carb) is what i need to lose the weight. all these years i've stayed away from that diet. thinking it was a fad and i couldn't stick to it. i've always done low fat diets. and that wasn't working for me. god it all makes so much sense now.

so the next day i started going to the gym. i've gone every day since then. its been a little over a week. and i've been trying to eat lean proteins, good fats, fruits and veggies, and if i do eat carbs i keep it minimal and whole wheat. i'm already seeing my body change. i wasn't sure if i had it because i had to get blood tests. i was waiting to hear the results. doc called yesterday. she said the tests were clear but no one test can determine PCOS. she says that from what she can see, i have it. and i totally agree.

I'm contemplating going on a special diet plan specialized for diabetics and ppl with pcos. if i can afford it. if not i'll just keep doing it on my own with the new info i have. bottom line is, this is it. i need to get healthy. my life depends on it. and i want to have a baby in the next 2 yrs. so i will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

i have so much hope now!! i'm so happy. lol.

Happy happy happy!!

never been so happy to be diagnosed with something. i'll explain later!