sigh....

i seem to always offend  or upset ppl. i must have diarrhea of the mouth. i just say whats on my mind. thats my burden, i have to express myself or i'll explode. the problem is i say whatever pops into my head and it gets me in trouble. i always offend someone. people get mad at me all the time. whether i say something sarcastic to be funny or if i just say how i feel.

i hate this feeling. i hate ppl being mad at me. i'm a class A people pleaser. right now i pissed off my friend and its so stupid. the best thing i can do is just not say anything and let it blow over. i already apologized but she's like me (another problem) and the anger is still there. just gonna hope that things blow over. frankly i'm sick of apologizing. i'm not gonna beg. i really don't care that much.

i swear i'm gonna end up a crochety old lady with no friends.

Transferring happiness

you know what i noticed today? before, when i was really heavy, i used to get so happy and excited when i would score some mcdonalds, get some ice cream from the store and candy for later. it would make me sooo happy. i got my bliss from food. emotional eater for sure.

but you know what i noticed today?? as i was running errands i noticed that i got that high from other things. now i get giddy about shopping for cake supplies. its like my disneyworld. i get sooo excited and inspired and get so many ideas. i want to make so many things. i'm always excited to look through my loot when i get home. i went to the grocery store an bought some sprouted grain bread and a new bigger mug for my tea. these are things i look fwd to. :) i'm so proud of myself for being able to transfer my happiness into something productive. and now i can be passionate and obsessed with baking. i love it.

i've been good. so don't worry about me. i indulge like once a week. but i'm still doing well :) everyone tells me i've found my calling. i'm not 100% sure because i've had many passions in life. i go head first into something, then get bored and move on. so i'm not sold yet. but i have been cooking for many years. and baking. just not on this scale. i truly truly love it. it combines my foodie passion with my love of creativity and decorating and wrapping even down to the packaging. i love it! i love designing logos and everything else. i just love it all. this is the first "passion" i've ever had where i'm actually making money. well no, not true, i made some good money for a little while when i did voice over. but this is the perfect part time, work for myself, career. i'm just so happy. and i fee like i found it. and i don't need to look anymore. this is it.

you know what i miss?

slurpees. i was a slurpee feind. i'd never drink them now for a couple reasons. 1. talk about drinking your calories,  the sugar rush would damn near kill me. 2. i couldn't stop at one, and i don't wanna open that can of worms.

 but still....let us bow our heads...

damn blogger

blogger is being horrible today. this is the first time i can post. and i can't even find my baby blog i started last week. they said it doesn't exist. they better fix that shit.

anyhoo!! guess what!?!? i lost 2lbs this week!! i was really good. tried not to eat carbs. i ate a lot of fruit and had alot more protein shakes including for dinner 2 nights this week. yay! i hope i can keep this up. i want to get back on track to goal.

i told my husband today

well its been days since my revelation and i still feel the same way. :)

i told my husband today. i was a little scared of what he would say, although i don't know why. he said if i don't get it now i won't be able to get it for a long time because with kids we won't have the money. i told him it was ok and it would get done eventually (even if its 10yrs from now). i asked him if it was ok if i stayed with this body, he said of course. he loves me the way i am and i'm the one who wanted the surgery to feel better about myself. i told him its true, but i want a baby more. so he was like..ok when do you wanna start trying. i told him i wanted to wait till august and try to get closer to goal. he's fine with it. honestly he just can't wait to start trying because he thinks it means he's gonna get lots and lots of sex. lol.

i can't wait to start trying. and its such a good feeling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

just wanted to tell you...

the things i talk about in here are things i can't tell my doctors or people on obesity help because they would all judge me. and they don't sugar coat it either. they have no problems lecturing. but you guys are a sisterhood. we all have real world problems. we all have our good days and bad. but i never see anyone tearing each other down. we're all here to listen and support each other with a sympathetic ear and an understanding heart. i just want you to know how much i appreciate you. even though i don't comment on all your blogs, i do read them, and i read all your comments on mine. and you ladies are my rock. i feel like i can tell you anything.

and i want to thank you so much for that.

getting back on track

so as you know i'm doing this cupcake thing. the fact that i get sooo focused on one thing at a time (weight loss, and now my cupcake business) has caused some problems. let me tell you i think about baking constantly. i go to bed thinking about it, dream about it, wake up thinking about it. i have so many ideas. i love being able to use my creativity with no limits! i can't believe how much this thing has grown already so organically. i have tried very hard for so many things that never happen but this...its not work. its fun and i love it. its just like its meant to be. i'm not even trying and its blossoming.

but because i'm so focused on that i've been slacking on my workouts and occasionally i will eat some of my test batch which i've gotten better about. last time i made these dark chocolate cupcakes and i didn't taste not one. dark chocolate does nothing for me. in fact the only thing i would say is a huge weakness for me is the cookies. i don't know why. they're so chewy, i like the texture. and i made an order of black and white cookies....mama mia...this is my kryptonite.

but this week i've been getting better. i went to the gym twice. like i said i only cook at the end of the week. i even rearranged my pantry and cabinets to make room for all the baking stuff i had piled up on the counter with no place to put it. finally it all put away neatly and it feels so nice. out of site out of mind. not so much that seeing it made me want to eat baked goods, but seeing it made me want to bake! this way clear kitchen, no distractions, i can focus more on me and going back to normal.

last night's revelation is still sitting really really well with me. :) when i started this baking thing i gained 1.5lbs. then last week i lost it. whew. my mom seems concerned that i'm playing with fire (and i can understand her concern) and she asked me the other day, are you still losing weight? and i said yes. and she said "great how much more have you lost?" that pissed me off. a lot. because she expects me to wow her every time i see her. bitch i just saw you last week. wtf. weight loss is slow. i hate when she asks for a number, its like, if the number isn't high enough then i'm disappointing her. pisses me the fuck off.

anyway this week i lost another .5 and i was very grateful for it after the month i've been having. i'm just trying to get back to my slow but steady weight loss. its amazing how much it slowed down (even before the baking thing). the first 6 months i was ahead of the game, doing so well. and then...bam. its a lot harder now. before i really didn't have to do anything and the weight just came off.

so i know i won't reach the goals i set for myself (lose 100lbs by my bday june 2nd; be 150lbs by 4th of july) but i'm hoping to have lost 100lbs by my 1 yr surgeversary in august. that would put me at 160lbs. my goal weight is 140lbs. and i'll continue to strive for that. but as long as i hot 160 i'll be proud of myself. i'll allow myself to move on to the baby making.

but oh god...i cringe at what my surgeon's assistant will say to me at my next follow up. she always thought i wasn't losing enough even when i was losing it faster. fuck her. she never gave me praise only criticism. and thats when i was eating really well!!! there's no way i can tell her i'm starting a cupcake business. no way. any of those doctors would have a field day with the lectures. trust me you guys, if it ever got to the point where it was getting too in the way of my weightloss and i felt i couldn't have it under control i'd wash my hands of the whole thing. i promise you.  i'm very aware of the risks.

when she sees how little i've lost since my last visit, i don't even know what to tell her. she tells me i shouldn't be eating any carbs. yeah ok. stupid bitch. this is real life. i eat low carb. i don't eat no carb. if i ate no carbs at all i'd be telling myself, how much longer do i have to eat like this? just till i reach goal weight? great then after that i can eat carbs again. is that healthy?? sounds like a recipe for disaster. i do admit though that i have to tighten my belt. i've gotten a little relaxed on what i eat. i notice i can eat thing i couldn't eat before, i've noticed i can eat more than before. but i still don't eat and drink at the same time and i still haven't had any soda. but i can't say there aren't times i'm not tempted to do those things.

i have to try to go to the gym more. i just have to try a little more in general. i can't focus ALL my attention on baking. i have to put some on me and my health. but i'm comfortable going at my own pace with the weight loss. as long as the numbers continue to go down.

did i just have a revelation?

i want a baby. bad. like real bad. i've been having dreams where i'm pregnant and i've never been happier, till i wake up and all that happiness is taken away from me. i looked it up. pregnancy dreams have to do with me starting a business. but it still doesn't make it any less real feeling.

i've gotten to this point where everyone says "what are you waiting for?" and i respond with "well, i have to reach my goal weight by my 1 yrs surgerversary (august, which at this rate i probably won't reach my goal by then). Then i tell them that i want to get surgery to remove this gut. To which I get the same responses "why tummy tuck before pregnancy?" "you should wait till you're done having kids". which always pisses me off because they don't know what i deal with. this thing feels like it weights 20lbs! i've been carrying it around for 15yrs. i hate it. and i've worked so hard to get to this point, i deserve to look and feel normal and sexy and fit into regular clothes, look cute in underwear, etc.

it poses such a dilemma for me though. i WANT to start trying for a baby by early next year. but if i have plastics who knows how long i have to wait to get preggers afterwards. i was doing some research, most plastic surgeons really discourage surgery before pregnancy. because you'll just get stretched out anyway. which really isn't a concern for me because, as i said before, i'm not doing this to have the perfect body but i'm trying to start from zero. but then again....when i read about all the recovery i think..wow do i really wanna go through all that just to be stretched out again? believe me, this is not a huge concern.

the thing that really got to me was when i read all these women saying that when they got pregnant after a tummy tuck they hardly looked pregnant. of all the things this was the one thing that made an impact. in my latest dream i had this big round tummy and i LOVED it. i can't wait to have that. and the thought of not showing really bumbed me out. thats when i started to rethink everything.

here's my dilemma. if i go ahead with the surgery i have to wait till november (6 months of records for my dr so that i get covered by insurance). then who knows how long after that i have to wait to get pregnant. i don't even want to wait 6 months, let alone a year. also, insurance will cover my gut but not my thighs. and saving up for that means not going to my cousin alex's wedding in nyc this august. :( but the biggest con of all is waiting for a baby. i've already waited soooooooooooooo long!

then i thought, ok what if i don't have plastics now. cons: i still have this damn gut. can i live with it? yeah i can. i've lived with it for 15 yrs. its not unbearable. i don't get rashes or anything. its just a mental thing. it keeps me from my full potential. and from wearing things i could otherwise fit into. must i wear baggy pants forever ??? sigh...

not to say i couldn't have plastics eventually. but when?? its hard to recover from that kind of surgery with a small child. and i know i'll want a 2nd child. not to mention that insurance sure won't cover tummy tuck after pregnancy. and who will have the money with kids to take care of? i guess i'll be carrying this gut for a long time.

the pros: i don't have to wait! once i reach my 1 yr surgerversary or my goal weight (whichever i feel like it) i can decide for myself whether i want to start trying. i could start trying as early as august! or i could wait till jan. but either way, its my decision and there's nothing really stopping me. i'm at a healthy enough weight range to get pregnant. and of course i want a nice round belly.

also without worrying about paying for plastics i can go to my cousin's wedding.

carrying around this gut is a big sacrifice. i am not going to say i won't go through periods where i hate it and want it gone and blame it for my misery. and i'm not promising i won't change my mind again. who knows how i'll look/feel after another 20lbs.

but as things look for right now. i think i will make the sacrifice and skip the plastics. and just go for the baby. i want one real bad. and i don't look so bad.  i can still look cute. i have back fat, batwings, sloppety boobs, ridiculously gnarly looking inner thighs and a giant apron gut. but nothing is so bad that i can't take it. and you know....eventually...i'll get my body fixed.

i have to tell you, this might be really pre-mature (i have a tendency to get an idea in my head and go full force with it, and then change my mind later) but i feel really really good about this. like a huuuge weight has been lifted off me. how ironic huh?