My new years resolution

No big epiphanies here. I'm just going to continue on the path I started.

This year I would like to:

-stick to my new life style
-reach my goal weight
-have plastic surgery
-get a job
-go on trips with my husband
-be more spontaneous and adventurous
-have more sex
-let go and just be in the moment
-don't try to control everything
-"make it work"
-be more active
-continue to work out
-be happy
-enjoy life more
-stop wanting so much and be grateful for what i have

note unlike other years i didn't include buying a house or getting pregnant. too much stress and pressure. the time for that stuff will come later. this year i just want to work on me (on the outside and the inside) and enjoy myself and my husband before we're settled down with big commitments like kids and a house. lets enjoy the married life in our swinging condo. no stress. not this year.

confession time

i was doing so good. wen to the gym  monday. tuesday was a rest day but i  did some wii just dance. wed  went shopping, lots of walking and i was doing pretty good at being back to somewhat of a routine. at least with eating. until wed night. my friend invited us to her house. all she had was spaghetti and meatballs. spaghetti? i don't eat pasta! i prided myself for not eating pasta or rice for 4 months! and this month both of those records went out the window. i was hungry and you know what, it was one day. one day. so fine i had a little. but it wasn't too good or satisfying and didn't go down smooth. They asked me to do a beer run (they were all drunk by the way. i was the only sober person in a house full of about 8 other ppl) and in the midst of this they decided they wanted to munch on junk food. so they got cool ranch dorritos. i don't remember the last time i had dorritos. maybe in october. so yeah, i partook in that. had about 12 chips. then came the sweets. they had a ton. cookies, brownies, and a chocolate cake. eventually (i'm only human) my sweet tooth said come to mama! and i had a slice of chocolate cake. and let me tell you, it was straight up heaven. and it was actually yellow cake with chocolate frosting. store bought frosting which is like crack.

but then after i ate the cake...maybe about 10 min later..i started to feel really bad. like i was drunk too. i started to get really sleepy and didn't want to move. just wanted to sit alone in the dark in silence till it passed. i guess my blood sugar spiked and i became hypoglycemic. i'm not diabetic but this used to happen to me in the past if i ate a lot of something very very sugary.  but now, because i've cut down ALOT on sugar i can't even eat things like tangerines without becoming sleepy. i can't handle cake now? lol. well in the end i was like...man that whole thing was awful. i regretted like a drunk girl regrets the shots of jagermeister. which by the way, these ppl went through 3bottles of it last night. the feeling went away after maybe 30 min.  thank god i didn't lay down or i would have gone into a sugar coma. i just rode it out.

but i don't miss eating like that AT ALL. it was all just too much. maybe having one of those things here and there every once in a while, thats ok. but all of those things at once. i felt gross. yuck.

so yeah i deserve whatever i get for that one. for it being the holidays i'm doing pretty good. yesterday was honestly the worst day (eating wise). i'm not worried about new years because its going to be catered so there's bound to be more selection that just junk food. while i don't want the holidays to end because i'm enjoying this vacation time with my husband (been waiting for it all year), i will be glad to get back into a workout routine. i'll feel much better. i can't let the fact that i look good right now make me complacent. gotta keep working working working towards goal. so i can have another reveal in another 3 months.

Back in the saddle. And a review for JUST DANCE 2

So ever since Christmas Day I've been feeling sort of blah. I guess because all the exciting stuff was over. I was eating crappily and let's face it, I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks. So this morning I woke up ready to get back to work. I had my protein shake, and then went to the gym. Ugh it felt so good to work out again. I was feeling so blah before. I ended up doing an hour on the elliptical and burning 500 calories. I kept upping the resistance and pushing myself. I usually only do 30 min on there. It felt great. I feel like I got out all the blahness. I also did some weights and was pretty appalled at how hard it was to lift the same amount of weights I used to. Don't like that feeling. Gotta get my muscles back. When I came home I made some pancake bites (a'la shelly over at eggface) and had a nice breakfast.

half are sf chocolate and toasted pecans and the other half are blueberry

And once I digested, since I was still in my gym clothes and shoes and still had energy I put in Just Dance 2 on my Wii. Now I'm new to this whole Wii thing. Someone asked me to review Just Dance 2 so here's my review.

 Its hard! Lol. Its not easy but it is repetitive. So the more you do each song the more you get the steps and the better you get at it. Some songs are harder than others. But its fun! And a TOTAL work out. Seriously man my heart was pounding and I was sweating. Its a great aerobic work out. We all love to dance, and you're just dancing your ass off. You can play on Just Dance mode where its just you trying to follow the choreography and getting points, there's dance crew face off where you can play with up to 8 players (for the serious dancers), dancing duets where you and another person perform a routine, dance party mode where it just plays on a continuous loop, and Just Sweat mode. I haven't used it yet but i think it counts calories burned or something.

Anyway this is a very simple game. You're trying to dance like the person in the game for points. Its fun and a workout and the songs on here are awesome! Thats why I picked this game as opposed to the first one. I thought the songs were better. So thats my review.

After doing like 5 songs I was done. I hopped in the shower and now I'm feeling very accomplished. Gym, plus dancing, plus I took my vitamins and drank 2 of my 4 waters so far. Now I'm all showered and feeling great. I have so much more energy now. The blahness is gone! :)

A Christmas Story

Christmas Eve

me and my husband

me, my cousin michelle and my mom

Christmas Day

my parents house

ed and my 90yr old grandma

my parents

my husband being cute

its a tradition to go to my parents house in our pjs on christmas morning

i got a Wii, Wii fit plus, and Just Dance 2 for Wii. Woohoo!

Christmas Eve morning

And it just happens to be a friday which means, weekly weigh in. I am 195lbs!!! wooohoo!!! I love it!

warning: fierceness

i just cut my hair. now i have the new dress, the new shoes, the jewelry, the headband, the nail polish, and my lovely friend Natalie (who was also sleeved) is doing my make up tomorrow. and i have to warn you, i'm gonna look hella fierce. so much so that i might not be able to look in a mirror. just too much fierceness.

but because you're my girls, i'll give you a small preview. just so you can see the cut. but when i'm all dolled up tomorrow...oof honey...i'll have to share those pics. this is after all my big coming out party. many ppl don't know i had surgery and haven't seen me in 60lbs. and i am after all in Onderland! time to celebrate!!

my face looks hella drab i know. but wait till the make up is on honey.

Thanks Ladies :)

Just wanted to thank you all for the lovely comments on my last post.

I want to start this off with my daily confession. Today I went to dinner at my parents house and served myself a spoonful of everything. Turkey (which was dry so I only ate a couple bites), apple salad (with marshmallows. so good), mashed potatoes, green beans, cranberry sauce, and this cornbread casserole my sis made. The best thing on the entire table was the cornbread casserole and i ate like 2 heaping spoonfuls. I hardly ever eat bread, and almost never eat cornbread. So i enjoyed every bite!! yum yum! But between the potatoes, marshmallows, cornbread, it felt like carb city. even though it wasn't big portions.

also dessert. cookies and ice cream. i didn't eat the cookies but i had like 3 or 4 spoonfuls of ice cream. i haven't had ice cream since before surgery. it had these tiny peanut butter cups in it! lol i've never seen that before. again not alot so i don't feel bad about it. also i really don't eat these things regularly. still they all have to be accounted for. can't eat like that every day. i've been doing great so far this holiday season. :)

anyway i know some of you were asking for the recipes from the last post so i wanted to share them.

The orange chicken recipe I got here. Just sub the brown sugar with splenda brown sugar blend or Ideal Brown. Deelish. If you wanna go that extra mile and get the chicken crispy and more authentic chinese, do what i did and bread with flour then dip in egg and bread in corn starch. its a little more work but if you really want that wow factor i highly suggest it. :)

The cauliflower fried rice I got from another site but I adjusted it to the way I think is just right. It comes out perfect every time. That recipe is here.

And I got the mini cheesecake recipe from the lovely Jamie a.k.a Carbarella over at YourLighterSide blog.

For more pics/details check out my tumblr page.

WARNING! FOOD PORN!

Today I had some friends and cousins over for dinner. I made orange chicken (from scratch) and cauliflower fried rice. I also made sugar cookies and red velvet cookies (using sweeteners) as well as mini cheesecakes (sweeteners again). Everything was a hit! I loved being the hostess with the mostess. I sent them home with goodie bags containing the cookies. And I looked super cute. We took a couple of pictures and i was blown away by how i looked in one of them. wow. amazing.

oh and i confess i ate 1 1/2 red velvet cookies today as well as the frosting from one sugar cookie. but i'm done with baking. i was on some baking kick. but i think i got my fix. i cooked for 3 diff groups in the last 2 weeks. and after working on everything all day since last night I have decided i'm donezo. i'm just gonna kick  back and enjoy the rest of the holidays. i'm on vacay. no more working in the kitchen.

you know what the funny part is? i only ate about 3 pieces of chicken. thats how it is all the time these days. i hardly eat any of my meals, i just can't get much in. but the slice of gouda i had later on tonight was so much more satisfying. i have to tell you i'm so much happier to just come home and have a yummy slice of cheese. its also comforting i guess. since its so gentle and goes down so easy. when i'm starving a slice of cheese will hold me till i can find something more substantial. or if i just want a snack, a slice of gouda is the best. being busy (whether its shopping, cooking, baking, cleaning) the last couple of weeks has really reeked havoc on my routine. when i'm on the road i just can't stop to eat and i can't drink water because i'm afraid to have to pee while i'm on the road. so i'll be happy just to chill out. that way its easier for me to get my protein in. while i have been keeping up with vitamins and water my proteins have been suffering man.

anyway enough about all that. i fixed the picture problem by deleting a bunch of pics so i'll share some with you.

orange chicken

cauliflower fried rice

sugar cookies with almond frosting

red velvet cookies with cream cheese frosting and toasted pecans

mini cheesecake with caramel and toasted pecan topping

mini cheesecake with strawberry topping

this is the picture where i was like wow!!

this is what we like to call our sitcom pose

just me hamming it up for the camera

and just so you can really see the change, here's me in May

i must confess

today i made my husband nutella pancakes.  normally it doesn't phase me but today the moistness of the cupcakes was just calling  too me. i was in a mood for moist sweet pancakes swimming in syup. lol so i took about 1/3 of a pancake and ate it with some sugar free syrup and it was deeeeelish! i never eat pancakes. even before surgery that wasn't really my thing. i'm more of a hot and salty breakfast kind of gal. but every once in a blue moon you crave that sort of thing. anyway i enjoyed the hell out of it. and to be honest, i could have eaten an entire pancake. but i didn't. i did still eat my regular breakfast, 1/2 an egg and cheese sandwich. thats kind of a lot of food...compared to the fact that the sandwich usually fills me up and pancakes are all carbs. i'm surprised. i must have been hungry.

anyway just wanted to put that out there. holding myself accountable. i'll keep tabs of all the indulgences i have the next couple weeks. i'm making french toast for christmas breakfast for the family (french toast sticks) and i will probably have a stick or 2. yup!

don't bring me down man

went to my 4 month follow up. their scale usually weighs me higher but today i was .5lbs less. their scale read 198lbs. also the blood pressure machine used to always hurt so much and it would never give an accurate reading and they always ended up having to do it manually. but today it didn't hurt! and it read an accurate reading! woohoo! i was feeling great about myself. then my doc came in and said, ok well, you're doing ok. i'm like (to myself) just ok?? geez give me a little credit. i'm doing awesome. how bout some encouragement? sheesh! she was like telling me that the first year is the easiest to lose weight so i have to lose as much as i can now. and if i cut out all carbs i could be losing more weight. i hardly eat carbs now. but i don't get any credit. listen, i didn't get this surgery to live a life of deprivation. fuck that and fuck you very much. i'm not in a race. and most doctors would say that losing 1-2lbs a week is ideal for maintaining weight loss. its like they're encouraging huge weight loss in a short time.

you know that kind of shit really fucks with my head you know? i don't want to be sabotaged by other ppl's stinkin' thinkin'. i know i'm doing well and i'm just gonna keep doing what i'm doing.

thanks for being here for me and encouraging me you guys. it helps so much to have a support system when everyone around you is waiting for you to fail.

CAN YOU HEAR ME??? I'M WRITING ALL THE WAY FROM ONDERLAND!!

Thats right!!! w00t w00t! I weighed myself today and i was 198.5lbs. Wow. I can tell you that I have not weighed that since high school. That was my weight senior year. That was 12 yrs ago!! When I met my husband a year later, I had lost some weight and i was 186lbs, so thats my next goal. To weigh what I did when we met. But still...

amazing...

I reached my goal. Be in Onderland by Christmas. I'm so proud of myself!! I worked hard for months. And while I've been slacking off since thanksgiving with the gym, I have been active and busy (the holidays are no joke!). I have also been eating well, but i'm starting to slack on my protein. sometimes i just don't feel like eating. sometimes if i could take a pill to take away the hungry feeling i would. those are the days where i'm on the road and totally off my routine. hunger just gets in the way. But I have to pick it up and get more protein in because my muscles are starting to get weaker and I don't want that. I'm pretty sure I won't have time for the gym till after Christmas. My schedule is so packed. But thats ok, keeping busy is good. And I know come jan I wanna hit the gym hard and get back on my routine. But for now I'm going to enjoy the holidays, enjoy being busy, enjoy the feeling, enjoy seeing family, enjoy cooking and baking, and enjoy other things in moderation.

WOOHOOO!!! Onderland baby!!!

a little word of warning

when it comes to protein chips, stay away from sour cream and onion. they're disgusting. i tried the wonderslim kind and some other kind and they were both gross and i threw them away after 2 bites. yuck.

no more pictures?!?!?

blogger is telling me i've used up my capacity for pictures. has this happened to anyone else?? what did you do?

Oh my lanta!!

When I came home from Thanksgiving I weighed 203.5, then last week I weighed in at 204! booo!! so of course I had nothing to update. :/ I think it was because I was getting my period (got it this week finally!!) because when I weighed myself this morning I weighed...are you ready for this??? drumroll......

200lbs!!!!
WOWSA!! I was NOT expecting that! I was hoping to have lost at least 1/2 a pound or in best case, 2 lbs. but 4 lbs? Didn't see that coming. The weird thing is I've been so lazy this week. Didn't go to the gym at all. I think the fact that i didn't lift weights didn't add any pounds. And I had some red velvet cake! So yeah who knows, that might catch up to me next week. lol. but anyway this is pretty amazing for me. because my goal is to be in onderland by christmas eve and i am ahead of schedule! I just need to keep losing and not go up! I'm so close i can taste it! And it tastes like victory!! hahaha. what a great christmas this is gonna be! :)

meanwhile my clothes are falling off and i'm realizing i really don't have any clothes! sheesh. i need new pants really bad! and more than one pair. that pair of jeans i got that were a size 24 are big on me now. but i can't afford to buy new clothes. i'm spending enough money as it to look good on christmas eve. its funny, for the first time i have plenty of career clothes and dressy clothes but no every day clothes. thats a first!!

anyway! yay! happy friday!!

I don't get it

Shelly over at eggface uses Max Protein for everything. But I tried a sample of it and it was just as awful an experience as with every protein powder i tried.

The only ones I've been able to tolerate are RTD EAS Vanilla. I remember Pure Protein cookies and cream being pretty good too. Maybe if I buy the EAS or Pure Protein Powders and use those for baking maybe they'd be pretty good. anyone tried these for baking?

Product Review: Wonderslim BBQ Snack Bites

Ok you guys, today I had these and let me tell you, I LOVED THEM!! I know I know they just look like apple jacks or something. True. But they're so good! The flavor is deliciously spicy. They remind me of those spicy frito twists. And they were nice and crunchy. These are just fantastic. I'll have to buy more of these. They're the closest to real chips than any of the other protein chips I've had.

This is what I need to see a therapist about

now that its the holidays its becoming painfully obvious what my problem is.

i equate food with love and with happiness.

when i look at toys what are the toys that excite me?

fake food or toys that make food like donut makers, easy bake oven, cotton candy maker.

how do i show people love or spoil them? with food or candy or sweets. its the way i know to show love. why does food make me so happy? what happened when i was a kid to trigger this?

thats what i need to find out. because if i can address the root of this and overcome it, i can find other ways to be happy and other ways to show love. and i can stop working against myself. also i can be sure NOT to do this to my children!

LAZY! just pure laziness.

I have been so lazy lately. Last week I think I went to the gym once. The other times I just walked. Which is still a work out. Then sunday I hit the gym hard and felt great. Then monday I didn't go to the gym but I had that great long walk outside so that more than counts. Yesterday was the coldest day of this cold snap and I really wanted to enjoy it. I made plans to get out and walk around but i was feeling so lazy I ended up doing nothing. Today I finally got my period after 2 months of not getting it. So I'm very happy. But again, very very very lazy. This week isn't looking good for me. I gotta snap out of it.

Oh carnie wilson

I'm watching The View and Wilson phillips was on. Carnie Wilson is heavy again.

Carnie Wilson is the argument everyone uses against WLS. That's everyone's smart answer, well look at Carnie Wilson. Yeah but for every Carnie Wilson there's 10 women who kept the weight off.

I feel for Carnie because its not easy. Its a constant struggle. And I pray, as I think we all do, that we don't end up gaining it back. Maybe she can be a cautionary tale for us. To keep us in check. I'll be honest with you i thought this would be a lot easier. I though the pounds would just melt off. I work out alot and I eat well and I drink lots of water and no soda or anything and yet I'm only losing 1-2lbs a week. Even with a tiny tummy its not coming off fast. I mean don't get me wrong, its faster and more consistent than without surgery but still. I see some people who got RNY who are losing so fast and aren't working out at all. Oh well I can't get into comparing myself to others. Thats not gonna get me anywhere.

I just would hate to have gone through all of this and gain the weight back. To her credit carnie has never gotten back up to the weight that she was when she started. Not even close. And she has had 2 kids. So her weight has fluctuated and its hard to lose it. I feel bad for her because she will always be scrutinized for her weight no matter what she does.

Beautiful Cold day!!

Tonight my best friend and I walked to Miracle Mile to soak up the cold weather (50's!). We looked at all the shops and stopped in the bakeries to look around.

 I munched on some protein chips

which by the way I totally loved. They hit the spot and were kind of like light cool ranch dorritos. I have to tell you, once I got used to the taste and texture of these protein chips I really love them. They remind me of eating Special K which I used to love to do. I used to get a cup full of special k and just snack on that. I miss that. But this totally makes up for it. I'm definitely gonna buy more of these. I love the ranch and the salt and vinegar. I'm totally gonna get more. I felt like I was snacking on real potato chips while I was walking. It really satisfied my hunger and it was 10g of protein! I'm so glad I packed it in my bag before I left. Otherwise who knows what I would have fallen victim to at all these bakeries. 

Ok  so we walked to the Christmas Park at the end of the mile and we played around and took pics :)

this is my best friend jenny with santa

city hall

we have no snow. so sand will have to do.

me and my toasty hoodie

Afterwards we walked back home. Then my husband met us and we drove back to miracle mile and wen to California Pizza Kitchen. That place is amazing because there's so much variety and not only do they have great appetizers but they also have a menu of just small serving items! It was hard to choose! I went with these tortilla spring roll thingies. Baked, not fried. It came with 8 small pieces. I think I was able to eat one. It was yummy! I let my husband and best friend have some and I took 2 home. When I got home I was able to eat the other 2. I also got, are you ready for this??? A slice of red velvet cake for dessert!! I know!! I'm sorry I had to. I haven't had cake in forever and I've been craving it. I wanted to share it with everyone and just have a bite or 2. But no one wanted so I took it to go. So now its in my fridge.

So yeah. I still haven't eaten it. I guess I'll just save it till I really want a piece. What can I say, I'm only human. lol.

By the way here's my Christmas set up in my little apartment.

Sugar Free Candy Haul

I went a little nuts today at walgreens. I was looking for some sugar free candies to top the protein donuts i wanna make. I was pretty blown away at the selection of sugar free candies they had there. I went a little nuts and got a lot. In fact I had to stop myself from getting them all.

I had to get these because I love toffee. And crumbled  it'll be a great topping on a protein donut.

Then I found these. Caramel and pecans? I mean come on man. No brainer.

Then instead of getting bags of other stuff I found this multi pack and had to get it

So there you have it folks. Walgreens is bringing it right now. Go check it out. I'm putting these all away in a drawer for moments of craziness (when i'd kill for chocolate) or for when i need them to make desserts. I just want to be stocked up on this stuff because who knows when I'll find them again. I know that just because there's no sugar doesn't mean they're guilt free. They have a lot of fat (less than a real chocolate but still). You don't wanna be popping these suckers like nothing.

*update* omg!! the coconut ones taste just like almond joys (minus the almonds). sooooooo good.