Halloweeny goodness w/pics!

Tonight was great!! But I don't want to be too long winded so I'll post the bullet points of why tonight was awesome.

-our costumes were a HUGE hit, everyone loved them

-they were super duper comfy!

-the party was on a rooftop so we were at the mercy of mother nature but it was actually cool out and there    was a nice breeze the entire night! also it didn't rain till after the party ended. :)

-I had so much more energy and stamina than last year! I danced sooo much. My husband looked at me with wonder at first. lol. I wasn't miserable and complainy. I was fun and energetic. :)

-I ate before the party AND I prepared myself an egg and cheese sandwich on a whole grain english muffin and packed it and took it to the party. Other than one stale dorrito and 2 stale tortillas with guacamole, I didn't eat the food at the party. I drank my waters (crystal light fruit punch yum!) and halfway through the party I warmed up my sandwich. So yummy and so much better than anything at the party. It took me like 45 min to eat it and it was a lot of food for me. As a matter of fact I couldn't eat the very last bite. It was just what my body needed. Fuel.  Then around 3am my friend started making chicken and she had all this other yummy yummy cuban pastry stuff. I had one croqueta hot out of the oven. It was good. And I had 3 small bites of chicken. Perfectly hit the spot.

-I eyed those halloween candies hardcore. I just stared them down for a long time. I imagined what they would taste like. If they had been peanut butter cups or butterfingers or m&ms I probably would have had one. But it was just snickers, milky way, 3 musketeers, and twix. I'm like meh. They're not really worth it. If i'm gonna splurge I want something that I'm gonna be in heaven with. Not just something thats ok.  So....i didn't eat not one piece of candy!!! woohoo!! go me!!

ok and now for the pics

me and my hubby are 7UP and Cherry Pepsi (I made the costumes myself)

My friend diana found this costume at a thrift shop

my best friend jenny is a lion, her boyfriend is a lion tamer/safari guy? and the other 2 are ghostbuters

my friend diana and her friend sharon in the back dressed as Wednesday Adams

He's just so damn cute

I don't need your negative shit

What is wrong with people??? I swear.

Most people I know, my parents and friends, are super supportive of my surgery. They've seen my hard work and my progress and they're proud of me. But then there are people who don't know me that well or don't see me often (like my GP today, and my friend's sister) who look at you with this wincing look like they don't believe you can do it. They're always trying to find what you're doing wrong instead of just applauding all you've done right. My doctor has seen me maybe 5 times since I started coming to her right b4 surgery. She hasn't seen me since before surgery. She spends about 5 min with me, like most doctors. She half pays attention, like most doctors. She has no idea what my life is like. But she feels the need to lecture me. She tells me there can never be "just one". Like I can NEVER have a slip up. I told her I went to Disney last weekend and didn't have much control over where we ate. And she lectured me and tried to make me feel bad. I'm sorry dude, that shit is real life. Shit happens. I made the best decisions I could for the most part and a couple times I just went with the flow. But I knew I was gonna get back to work. And I did. As soon as I got home I started eating right again and working out again. But nooo. She dug into me for that. I'm sorry but i don't believe in NEVER. I will not be on a "diet" the rest of my life. This is all about getting healthier habits, but we're all human and sometimes you splurge. Everything in moderation. I don't care if she's a doctor, I disagree with her. She doesn't really know what my issues with food were. So I can have a small piece of pie and be perfectly satisfied and I'm ok. I get the whole "be careful  because one french fry leads to a plate of fries then you are back in those bad habits." I get that because i've been there and I know I have to be careful. But I don't believe in NEVER. It just really got to me. I don't think people realize how they can fuck with your mind. I don't want to let this bitch sabotage me with her shit.

I don't know about you but I do terribly with negative reinforcement. It always backfires. But if people give me positive reinforcement and praise then I feel good about myself and I try even harder to get more praise. Its that way with everything in my life from school to work stuff to personal stuff.

And not only her. I've had other people who I guess think wls is unnecessary or you'll gain the weight back or whatever. And they try to dig and dig and find something negative about your situation. I hate those people. Dude I cook fresh beautiful low carb food daily. I workout at least 5 days a week. I go to support group meetings every month. I haven't missed not one vitamin since surgery. I drink 64+ oz a day. I still struggle with my proteins but i get about 50g a day. So how bout a little fucking credit you dickhead. No you just gloss over that and try to find something, anything to poo poo on. And when you find nothing you still have that shit face on because you refuse to give me credit.

Well fuck you because i KNOW i'm good. I'm doing FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC! and you can't put me down or bring me down with your ideas on what i should be doing and how i should be acting or thinking or how much i should have lost by now. I know I'm following the rules and I'm fucking proud of myself. So let me just brush you off. *brush brush* I know how to do me. so you just do you boo boo.

Confessions and realizations

So I went to Disney. And you know all those healthy snacks I packed? They're all still in the bag.

So here begins my confession. Friday I did great. Ate half my breakfast in the morning, drove 2.5 hours, got hungry had a cold cut lettuce roll up, then munched on my snacks. Then drove 2.5 more hours later that night. I was starving for real food. Then was left with only one choice, mcdonalds. So I got a 6 piece nuggets and ate 3. I was satisfied and didn't feel bad about it.

Then saturday came. I wanted a nice sit down breakfast....they wanted mcdonalds. :( sigh....fine. My husband and I shared a big breakfast with hot cakes. I turned my biscuit, eggs, and sausage into a sausage mcmuffin. I ate half of it and half of a hash brown. Wow. I haven't eat mcdonalds in soooo many months and now twice in 24 hours? I didn't like that. But it was gonna be a long day and I needed breakfast.

At the park I had some popcorn. It was my first time eating popcorn since b4 surgery. I had been wanting some for a long time but always stayed away. I was shocked how easy it went down. Dangerous. It was so good though. I really enjoyed it. I also had some of those sugary coated almonds. Pretty bad. Later on I had a piece of turkey leg (small piece) that was probably the best thing i ate at the park (health wise). Then around 8pm we went to this seafood counter service place. I got a tuna sandwich. HUGE FAIL. that shit got stuck something fierce. It sucked because i was so hungry. Everyone was done and I was still waiting for it to go down. So I told them all to leave and go do the rides and i would catch up with them. My husband stayed with me. I was finally able to eat 1 fishstick and a bite of an apple crisp dessert thingy. But i was very grateful for that fishstick. Then around 12am i had some more popcorn. And that was it. Then around 2am when we got back to the house we were staying at i had some potato chips!

Then on Sunday we went to Downtown Disney for "breakfast". yeah right it was 1pm before we left to go there. Naturally I was starving. I think I finished off the last of the small bag of chips and some grapes. We went to planet hollywood. They ordered a starter plate and we were all starved. I had one of them that was a tortilla (about the size of a potato skin) with bbq chicken and covered in melted cheese. OMG pure heaven. And went down beautifully. Then I tried to have a fajita. Another fail. So I ended up just eating the chicken. Only about 2 strips. Meh. Not very flavorful. The appetizer was way better. Glad I was able to have some of it. Then we walked around a bit. Really nice around there. And I wanted an italian ice. I wanted something cool and refreshing because it was hot out. So I got a small one. It was good for about a minute. But there was so much food coloring in it, i could taste it. Ugh. Then we drove 2.5 hours to ft meyers. I was hungry. We had eaten "breakfast" around 3pm and it was 8pm when we got to ft meyers. It was a sunday night....we were trying to meet up with my husband's other brother for dinner. Before I know it, its 10pm and everything is closed. So guess what, we eat pizza. I had a slice of pepperoni and sausage. Then this morning before we left I had to make breakfast out of whatever my mother in law had in the fridge. ALL GREASY FROZEN FOOD. ALL OF IT!! I made eggs, tater tots, a bagel and a waffle for my husband. I ate about 4 tater tots...GROSS! I felt the grease on the roof of my mouth. So disgusting. On the drive home I had the last of my 2nd slice of pizza.

And thats it!!! It was bad. I make no excuses. I accept full responsibility for it all. But its over. I expect to gain some weight from this and thats ok because I will lose it again because its back to routine tomorrow. One thing I can say is that even though I ate junk, I could never eat much of it. I love my sleeve! Thank you Jesus. lol.

Those are my confessions. My realizations? I don't like eating junk. I missed cooking. I missed having that control. I missed eating fresh healthy food. Junk makes you feel gross. I felt like my face was getting fatter and fatter. I really crave good fresh foods. And I'm so happy to be back home and getting back to good food. I'm so glad that my little detour into junkland wasn't a relapse for me.

Sometimes I have issues when I go to ft meyers. Well...no..i always have issues. All my husband's family is there. And it always ends up happening. His family always wants to do something that I don't want to do. And he's very go with the flow and I'm picky and needy and controlling. So he ends up snapping at me and I usually end up bashing myself in my head. I say "you're an awful person, no one likes you, you always ruin everything" things like that. But you know what? This time when it happened, I didn't beat myself up. I just didn't hate myself. I'm sorry but I think I'm pretty amazing. I am doing so well that i just can't bring myself to hate on myself. I see no reason to. Before I guess it was easy because I knew I was doing bad things in my life and I was depressed about it. But I'm doing so well now. Also  I'm very proud of myself  for what happened the other day. My husband really upset me with something that he said, I went to the gym so depressed I didn't want to do anything. He totally ruined my mood. And when that happens, forget it, its stays ruined the rest of the day. But I started to listen to some music and walk around the pool. The songs I was listening to were very empowering. Talking about being independent and not letting haters bring you down. And I love my husband but if he wants to be a hater at times then I need to brush him off. Because in the end I can only count on myself. I can't let people have that much power over me. I am beginning to feel more empowered from this whole surgery experience. I'm so much stronger than I thought and I amaze myself.

Also I'm very proud of the fact that as bad as I ate this weekend,  I didn't have not one french fry. And I had many many opportunities. French fries are my fav and my weakness. So that was one triumph for me.

I have made so many strides physically but I have a lot of work to do on myself internally. I need to work on my issues. Not even food related, all the other stuff. My self esteem depends on others and not on myself. Thats why anyone can make me really happy or really devastated just by what they say or how they act. I can't give people this much power. I need to find happiness in myself. I need to build myself up inside, and be stronger so that I don't have to depend on others, just on myself. If I can make myself stronger and more complete then I can give more to others. I can love my husband and family better. This is a long journey and I've only just begun. But I like what I see already. I look forward to bettering myself.

disney

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eating on the road

Yesterday was rough. I only got in 32oz of water. Why? Because i pretty much spent the entire day on the road.

In the morning i drank 1 bottle of water. Then i tried to have an egg and cheese sandwich on half an english muffin but i could only finish half bc of all the water i drank. So we drove to ft meyers....an hour in i realized we forgot our disney tix so we had to come back! So what should have taken 2.5 hours took us 4. By the time we got to my MIL's house at 5 i was starving. I ate this cold cut lettuce wrap i made. Small but very filling. Then an hour later i had like 10 grapes. My husband had 2 burgers and tater tots that his momm made him. I didnt eat. Dumb. I should have realized snacks arent enough. I need real food. Around 8 i was hungry again. I had 5 pepperoni chips, a string cheese and 1 low carb cookie. Then we went off to orlando.

Cut to 11pm and i'm starving. We get there, get settled in and i realize everyone is just going to bed. I down another bottle of water. Thank god my sister in law asked me if i was ok. I told her i was starving. At this point i would have been perfectly happy going to 7 eleven and getting a can of soup. She told me there was a 24 hour mcdonalds and suddenly everyone was hungry. Lol. I didnt want mcdonalds on principle but the fact is i was starving so it was sounding pretty good to me.

I got a 6 piece nuggets. I ate 3 and was very satisfied. I thought i would feel guilty. Like a failure for having mcdoonalds after more than 3 months. But you know what? I dont. This is the real world and its not perfect. You gotta deal. And i think i dealt reallly well. I am actually very proud of myself.

Im sure today (the day we go to the park) will be filled with not the best foods. But i will make the best choices i can. I wont go crazy. And when i get back home its back to normal. So im gonna go with the flow.

And getting full on so little is so liberating. Btw i'm typing this from my phone while laying in bed. So forgive the typos. I'm going to disney! Yayy!!

Ps. My sis in law wants to go to cracker barrel for breakfast. I've never been.

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I'm going to Disney, any pointers?

Hey guys, I'm going to Disney this weekend. Really we'll only be there Saturday. Any pointers for me?

I am bringing snacks (trailmix, protein bars, grapes, nuts, cheese sticks) and crystal light to go. Is it gonna be a problem to bring this stuff in my bag to the park? They sell water bottles at the park right?

Any suggestions of where I should have lunch? I don't think we'll be able to have lunch at any of the nice sit down places because we're going with a family of 5 and they don't have much in the way of funds. So we'll probably eat at one of those pizza/hot dog/ burger spots.

Any info/tips/advice you can give me about disney would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

You were right about lettuce.

I can eat lettuce just fine. woohoo!! :) fish is misleading. at first it was like i can eat fish. fish is flaky, it'll treat me right. so i went out and bought every different kind of fish known to man. what did i learn?

stay away from cod and halibut!!!! salmon could go either way. tilapia is sadly a no go. and sole while it seems like its perfect, is just ok. i can force myself to get in 3 oz. but its a rough ride. why do i try to force myself to eat 3 oz of meat? i probably shouldn't. but i really need those numbers for my protein.

chicken is great. dark meat preferably. juicy meat. perhaps slow cooked  or in some sauce. chicken is a lot nicer to chew than fish. and chicken has always gone down nice for me. i can't eat much of it, not 3oz, because its so dense i get full quick. but i have no problems with it.

steak? i ate it once. a very expensive cut of tenderloin. sliced thin. it was just fine! i could probably slice it thinner though. however, this is expensive. too expensive to have on the regular. and frankly i'm afraid to try a cheaper cut.

so whats the easiest one for me to eat? shellfish. mainly, shrimp. shrimp has gone down easy from the begining and i have never had a problem. it might take me a while but i can do 3oz of shrimp.

Things that go down easy:

Cheese
Water
Nuts
Egg whites

Things that go down hard and get stuck:

Eggs
Wontons/pastries


Thats all i can think of right now. I'm sure there's more. I'm sure I'll add to the list. What about you guys? What's something that goes down easy for you? Whats something  that doesn't get along with your band (or sleeve if any of you are sleeved)? Whats something that you thought would go one way but surprised you by going another way?

my christmas goal

i really really want to be in onederland by christmas eve. christmas eve is HUGE in our family. its the one time of year that our huge extended family gets together and all the cousins i never see all come down. so this will be the big reveal. and i want it to be a BIG reveal. I want to be in onderland and i'll do everything I can to make that happen.

I'm 216.5lbs as of last friday. I'm hoping I can lose 17 lbs in 2 months. Sounds easy enough right? But I've been losing .5lbs-2lbs a week. so at this rate i might barely make it. i've been working out 5-7 days a week for 3 weeks now and i plan to continue. i've been building muscle which might be fudging the numbers on the scale. but still. i hope my body kicks in and says "ok this is whats going on, i get it now" and the weight starts to come off. i know it will happen eventually. this working out thing does not show fast results. the results come later but in the meantime i have to keep it up.

anyway i really really really really hope i can reach my goal for xmas. i want to wear a fantastic dress and just blow everyone away. right now i think my weight loss is noticeable enough that someone might look at me and go....hmm...you look nice. or "you're looking good". and again there are some friends that i haven't seen since i was 40lbs heavier and neither of them said a word. that bugged me. so while being noticeable is fine i wanna be like WOW! i want people to have a definite reaction. i can always count on my family though. last christmas i showed up weighing 260lbs (down from 282lbs the previous year) and they were all gaga over me. i think it was my new snazzy haircut though. which reminds me, i should def get a nice haircut before christmas eve. i want to look my absolute best!! i want lots of attention.

anyway thats what i think about alot. how good its gonna feel to get that attention and look fabulous. and i'm gonna bust my ass to get there.

woohoo! weigh in day

i have a follow up with the surgeon today and its weigh in day. and i have been losing very little. Don't know if it was a stall or if I'm a slow loser but since last month i lost 2lbs, then 1lb, and I weighed myself today and i lost 4.5lbs since last week!! wooohooo!!

you guys....i weigh 216.5 lbs!!!!!!!! i don't even remember the last time i weighed that. the most i ever lost was 30lbs and i surpassed that (i started at 262lbs)  and the lowest i got in the last 10yrs was 230lbs and i totally passed that! omg and i'm barely 2 months out! yes this is indeed a celebration my friends. because the weight is starting to come off. i have been working out every day for 3 weeks. and its starting to show. do you realize i only have 16.5lbs to lose to get into onderland??!!! ahh!! i can surely do this by christmas. i'm thinking even by thanksgiving. this is beyond amazing.

thank you lord! thank you sleeve. hmm..i don't have a name for my sleeve...gotta get on that. anyway they'll probably say something like..you only lost 7lbs in a month? thats bad. you should lose 30lbs a month. (yeah they actually said that once). but i would just say look..i'm happy because i know i've been doing everything right and i know things will start moving now. i'm already noticing loose skin eeeeverywhere. its so strange.

the sucky part is i'm still having problems getting enough protein. so i know the hair will start to fall out right around the holidays. bummer huh? perhaps i should invest in some festive hats?

Here's the video

both the hoodie and the track jacket are worn in this video :)

you guyyyyyssss!!! nsv in the closet!

Today i made a video for fun (i'll be posting it soon!) and i made some costume changes. so i had to go in my closet to look for stuff to wear. while i was there i tried on a couple of tops. 1 i bought that never closed. but i tried it every time i lost some weight and i could never get it closed. well today i tried it on and it was loose on me! I also tried on this top....i guess it was always kind of snug on me. then it didn't fit me at all for years. then 2 xmases ago i had lost some weight and squeezed into it. i thought it was a victory. i remember boasting this didn't fit me before and now it fits. meanwhile i could see the buttons bulging.  let me see if i can find a pic...

Ok so not too bad. well today i tried the shirt on and get this....its waaay loose on me!!! so cool! i didn't take a pic with it on though because i was busy. so no comparison but trust me it was lose.

ok ok and then i tried on this jacket that i love. its a 70s track jacket and it was always super skin tight on me. like serious. but i didn't care. because it was so cool. well today i tried it on and it was roomy!

but probably the best most awesomest one was....when i was in college my husband went to MIT and i lived with him in his dorm for a while. one time i saw this cooool hoodie. it was maroon with gold letters and it said MIT on the front and ENGINEERS along the side of one of the sleeves. i looooved this hoodie. i HAD to buy it! but sadly it never fit me. the biggest size (don't know what it is bc the tag came off) in the store still didn't fit me. it was soooo tight. not even wearable. so sad. i figured i would save it for my future kids. they'll probably think its cool. but today while i was in the closet, i tried it on. and not only did it fit, it was this big baggy roomie hoodie on me! the way it was supposed to be!! omg i almost cried! it was.....i have never been able to wear it. i bought it 7yrs ago.  talk about a wonderful nsv. wow. wow. wow.

now i wanna go visit my cousin erika (pictures above) in atlanta so i have a reason to wear my sweater!

Cauliflower Pizza Crust!

You guys I just HAD to share this with you! Just found it today!!!!

Get there recipe and see the other pics here

over the whole food thing

you know maybe this will change the further out i get but right now i am so over the whole eating thing.

its weird. i still love food. i love to look at it and watch food shows and i LOVE to cook for others. but i don't feel the need to eat these foods. its just not fun anymore. i know some of my non surgery friends are appalled by this. but honestly its like a spell has been lifted off of me. its wonderful! to be around food and create food and not feel the need to eat it.

i feel like i'm forcing myself to eat to try to get my protein in. but i don't like that feeling. i'm gonna stop forcing myself. eventually i'll be able to get more protein in. forcing just makes me feel horrible. from now on i'll only eat when i need to. food for fuel finally makes sense to me now. eat when i need to. i don't live to eat. i think about food alot but its because i'm always thinking of what to cook next. its not because i wanna eat it.

I love making healthier meals and coming up with low carb/sugar free desserts. because even if i'm not eating much, the people around me eat better. my husband has lost 4lbs recently just from my cooking! how cool is that? its a challenge to come up with pretty and yummy dishes that are healthy but its really fun and rewarding. :)

I love my sleeve!

Last night my 2 best friends and their guys, me, my husband, and our gay friend (his bf was at work) all went out for a date night at PF Changs. The three of us have not gotten together in....gosh i don't even remember how long. Because one has a kid and we never see her.

We had such a blast. But PF Changs isn't the most wls friendly place. All the soups come in cup portions EXCEPT the wonton soup. How wrong is that? It came in a GIANT bowl. great. Luckily all my friends pitched in and helped. I ordered the wonton soup and the chicken lettuce wraps. I served myself one cup of the soup and 1 wrap. My husband was kind enough to eat the rest of the lettuce wraps. I was doing fine. Had some broth, had some ground chicken, even the lettuce went down just fine (yay!). Then it happened....I took a bite out of a wonton and bam...it got stuck. So I had to wait it out for like 20 min. Very uncomfortable. I guess when things are too easy to chew I forget to chew them well and I just swallow them. But once it passed I said to my husband, "here take my wontons". Everything else went down fine. The spinach, the mushrooms, the water chestnuts. So ok cool. Then I finished my lettuce wrap. It was yummy and went down great. Then my friend gave me a small piece of shrimp. It was good. My other friend gave me a piece of mongolian beef. But I was scared. I still haven't tried beef. And after feeling stuck with the wonton I wasn't about to take the chance. So I just gave it to my husband.

Then came dessert. I haven't had anything that was high in sugar in a really long time. So this was a treat. They have these fantastic shot glass desserts, which is sooo perfect. Perfect portions. My husband and I shared a raspberry cheesecake. Good call because it went down nice and smooth. I got like 4 spoonfulls and I was so satisfied!

In the end I had eaten a chicken lettuce wrap, a bite of a wonton and the broth, a piece of shrimp, and half a shot glass of cheesecake! And I was full but not gross full. Just very satisfied. I felt like I had feasted! I just LOVE my sleeve!! I love that if something hurts going down, I don't try to fight it, I learn my lesson and I stop eating it. I love that I get full off so little. My friend (not a wls patient)  said she would hate it because she gets full and she still wants more because its so good. But not me. When I'm full I'm full and i'm good. Its pretty interesting and adventurous to explore food and find out what you tolerate and what you don't. I love wonton soup but I have no problems not eating the wontons anymore.

The other night I made guava pastries (a cuban breakfast) because i had the pastry dough from another recipe and I wanted to see if I could make them. Well I did. I had half of one. it was delicious but it got stuck and it was awful. So I said, ok no more pastries. And that was it. So now if I make them again for guests it won't be hard for me to resist eating them.

Here's some pics from last night

I'm such a slow loser :(

I know I shouldn't get hung up on the numbers. After all, look at all the NSVs I've been having. But its just frustrating when people who are as far out as me say they've lost like 60lbs. Man I've been working out every day for 2 weeks and I only lost 2lbs last week and 1lb this week. God that is not impressive AT ALL. :( Where's this big weightloss? Let's face it, people just wanna know how much you've lost. And my numbers are not impressive. I haven't even lost 20lbs since surgery and i'm 7 weeks out. I've seen people who don't work out at all lose more. And what do I eat? Protein shake, 1/4c of eggwhites and a turkey sausage, cheese, dinner (2oz of meat), and all my waters. So its not like I eat much or eat bad things.

On the other hand, I've been lifting weights for 2 weeks and putting on muscle. Also I've lost 1inch in one week. Thats pretty impressive I think. So maybe the muscle is messing with the numbers. I should focus more on the fact that my body is changing. I know. I know.

But at some point it would be nice to see the scale drop. It would be nice to see more than one or 2 lbs a week. Just sayin.

HUGE NSV

I think i'm gonna cry........give me a minute......

Today...after ten years of being a prisoner to Lane Bryant....I was finally set free.

I went to Marshalls today and went around the racks throwing things in my cart. 3X is what they call a size 24. Mind you I was a size 28 at LB. I tried on a bunch of clothes in that dressing room and they all fit!! I had to narrow it down to 5 items. A pair of jeans, a pair of grey work slacks, and 3 tops. All that for under $90. Where as I went to LB with my mom last week and was able to buy 1 pair of pants for $50.

I fit into size 24 pants. My God...it makes me tear up to think about it. Because I have struggled for so long with fitting into clothes. Its always been a sensitive and sore subject with me. I always felt like a freak. I have suffered for so so long. And now I NEVER EVER have to shop at Lane Bryant again. FUCK LANE BRYANT! They take advantage of plus size women by gouging them with high prices. Jerkoffs.

I am so happy right now. I'm floating on a cloud.