i went to NYC this weekend and....

NSVs:

1. i didn't need a seatbelt extender! in fact i had plenty of room!

2. the tray table came all the way down!! it didn't hit my stomach!!

3. i walked ALOT with no problems. i even decided to walk around downtown NYC for an hour after my cousin's wedding (midnight) in my flip flops! it was great! i actually lost weight on this trip.

:)

my 1yr surgeversary

this time last year i was being strapped in, poked and prodded and funnily enough i had my period that day as well. i was gearing up for surgery. i was anxious, a little nervous but mostly excited to start my new life. if i had known how i would feel when i woke up i would have been more nervous. lol. recovery was tough but i soldiered on because i had no choice.

now a year has gone by and though i'm not where i should be yet i'm still super proud of myself. i've changed my lifestyle and i would not want to go back to eating the way i used to. i can eat a little of anything now. the key is moderation. i would feel so gross if i just ate one bad thing after another. i don't want to go back to eating that way. i'm not waiting till i can eat that way again. i have a new relationship with food. and i don't use it to comfort myself anymore. i still get excited about food. i love food. and unless i'm really excited for it or its really delicious i won't waste my hunger on it. i have such little room for food, i want to use it on really lovely things that i enjoy. if you get no joy from your food, its a waste. and i get my joy from beautiful things. new flavors, complex tastes, things made with love. the key is to always be conscious of what you're eating. if you just scarf it down you're not only missing it, you're also not being aware of what or how much you're eating.

i'm proud of myself for changing my eating habits. even though every now and then i do indulge, i totally feel like i'm in a good place to have children now and that i won't pass on bad eating habits. i will try my very best to teach them to love all the right things from the beginning so that they don't have to struggle with weight like i did.

as for how i'm doing, i'm def more active though not working out as much as i should. i usually try for 2-3 days a week but its been a hectic month and there have been weeks with no work outs at all. but i'm def stronger and have a lot more energy and stamina. i've never missed a day of vitamins. i'm getting about 30g of protein on a bad day and 60-80g on a good day. i could be doing better with that but sometimes you just want to eat things that don't have protein (veggies, etc). and if i don't drink a protein shake its hard for me to get a lot of proteins in.

i still drink only water (crystal light or other to go powders) or tea (with sweeteners), haven't had soda since before surgery. or alcohol. but i did have lemonade the other day. wow. that was a blast in a glass. there are certain things i stay away from (soda, french fries) because they're trigger foods and i don't wanna opena  floodgate with them. i have lost 92lbs give or take 1 or 2. i find myself hovering around there. my weightloss has slowed to a crawl. that doesn't stop me from trying to keep losing. my goal is still 140lbs. i'm at 168. it will take me a while but i'm still working on it.

i'm carrying most of my weight in my stomach and panniculus (apron) but everywhere else you can really see the diff. my shoulders look so fantastic. my arms aren't that bad. my legs are looking great and my thighs have all but deflated. just my damn stomach. one day when i reach goal i'll cut it off. but i'm not at the right weight yet. also i'm trying to get pregnant so all that will have to wait. i figure the way my body is now my baby will have lost of room to move around. lol.

i'm so unbelievably happy to finally be where i wanted to be (trying for a baby) and i would do it all again. this surgery saved my life. i only wish i had done it sooner.

i don't understand

why don't ppl just leave me alone? yeah ok so i'm not the type you can count on to go out of her way to do things. but i've spent years getting that point across and most ppl know not to bother me. i don't like being someone's go to person for things. i feel used. i will occasionally help you out no problem, but don't abuse that.

now i have ppl in my own family who are just so nasty to me. and i want to cut them out of my life like cancer but they keep drilling their way back. i wanted to live close to my parents for when i have a baby but i'm starting to regret it now. it was so much easier when i lived far away and i wasn't responsible for anyone else but me. now i'm somehow being held responsible for my grandma and her brother. i mean come on! i'm the baby of the family. i didn't sign up for this. i love my grandmother but why is she my responsibility? maybe thats a horrible thing to say but i'm sorry man. its true.

i am at a place in my life where i'm trying to stay positive. this is the best time of my life, i'm finally trying for a baby. i don't need negativity in my life. why do people keep confronting me and shitting on me? why???? why can't they just leave me alonneee!!!! ugh!! what am i supposed to do????

trying desperately to wash off the negativity. surround myself with positive ppl who wish me well. how fucked up is it that people i'm not related to and in some cases have not even met in person are nicer to me and wish me better than my own flesh and blood.

i'm telling you, once i have a kid....i have no problems cutting anyone out of my life. i won't be a pushover. i'll be pretty fierce.

where's grace?

i know you're busy grace but i sure do look fwd to your posts! especially since you have so much going on. its only been a week since you posted but it feels like a long time. lol. you're my motivation. i want your updates on how you're doing with your goals.

you know you're a WLS patient when...

you crave your calcium chews

you pop gasx chewables (cherry) when you don't even have gas bc you love the taste

ok now you go

hi guys!!!

just wanna say you guys are all awesome. i appreciate all your comments and support for everything. its so nice to have a place to come and spill my guts and not be judged. you guys are all great. i appreciate every one of you. and though i don't comment too much i do read your blogs. :)

squeeze it and go back to sleep

last night i went to bed hungry. this is because i had a small dinner and drank some tea b4 bed. liquids always empty me out. so i'm laying there in bed with hunger pangs and i'm like oh no i won't be able to sleep, i need to eat something. but my husband said i should squeeze my stomach (or any juicy..aka fatty places on my body) to release the back up. meaning, when the body runs out of food in the stomach it starts to burn back up fat. or something like that. anyway i actually did it and it freaking worked! how strange is that? it got me through the night. that was pretty rad. had to share.

gained 1.5lbs since last week.

which, if you saw the amount of baked goods i consumed last week, is nothing. i was afraid i would balloon up like 5lbs!

so ok..my lowest was 2 weeks ago 166.5, as of today i'm 168.5. which is 2lbs weight gain in 2 weeks. too much baking. i'll probably have to bake a lot for next weekend as well which is my husband's company bbq.

granted i haven't worked out at all in a couple weeks so i figured it was coming.

gotta get back on track. at this point i would be so happy to be in the 160's when i get preggers. i want a 30lb cushion. i don't want to be 200lbs again. so i have to be careful not to gain anymore.