I know that I will for sure get a stomach band. I don't know if i will choose Lap Band or Realize band but I know I will be getting one. Its not a question of if i'll be getting one, its when.
My dilemma: The whole process from getting approved to surgery itself will take 6 months. And for those 6 months I would be dieting. Which will be a definite struggle but i'm willing to make the commitment. The problem is, 6 months pre surgery, 6 months post surgery before I start losing decent weight, another 6 months before i get close to my goal. so lets say a year to a year and a half before i would even want to think about getting preggers.
but i don't think i can wait that long! i've waited so long already. besides my childbearing years are running out and i want to have 3-5 kids and i want to spread them out. so i don't have that much time. also i don't want to have to deal with having to derail my progress or having to take out the band (or loosen it or whatever they do) for pregnancy.
I mean sure I would love to lose the weight before I get pregnant and if the doctors really feel its the best thing for me I'll consider it. But my preference would be to wait till after I have a child. Because I feel like...if i have a child to take care of then I'll have something to occupy my time so the transition will be easier for me. So i'm not obsessed with what i can and can't eat. Of course I would wait till my child is old enough to not need me 24/7.
But you know me. I get an idea for something and I become obsessed with it. It consumes me. Especially when it comes to weight loss. I've actually read all these things (pre op diet, post op diet, dr. follow ups for life, support group mandatory) that normally would scare me away but this time it doesn't. It all seems very doable to me.
I'm not in a hurry to do this. Having to wait till after I have a kid will really give me time to think about it. If this is something I really want, I'll still want it later. But we'll see. I've heard soooo many success stories.
I also like that no one knows anything about this. I'm not telling anyone but ed and those of you who read this blog. Until it happens its not worth telling anyone about it.
But I did find a place in South Miami that specializes in weight loss surgery. Their website offers a wealth of information that I found very useful. Good news is they have an info session June 10th for anyone who's interested in learning more about weight loss surgery and I totally plan to go. I have my endo apt earlier that week so I'll talk to him about that and wanting to have a baby and see what he says.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
In the research phase
I gotta tell you, the more I read people's stories the more I want to do this. People, one after another, are losing 100+lbs in a year. Granted not everyone is the same. And its not a guarantee that you will lose. But most people have been having this kind of success. Knowing myself, and how I've been able to control myself, I know I can do it. I'm not the kind of person who will get it and then eat really bad all the time. I might have periods where I cheat a little but like one girl said "lap band makes it hard to stay off track for too long". I've also heard all different things. Some people can't eat breads, count calories, and work out a lot and some people east the same but much much smaller portions and don't really work out.
If I do get this I want to be more active. I will probably have more energy. I'm not saying I'll be in the gym all the time. Because I can tell you right now I won't. But I would like to be more active in general. And I'd probably want to light weights because I really do like lifting weights and feeling stronger. I like the fast results you get from lifting weights and how tight and strong it makes me feel.
Anyway I think I have so much potential I just need help.
Also I've decided to either go with the Lap Band or the Realize band, not gastric bypass.
I'm not sure what the future holds for me. Ideally I would like to have a child first and then do the lap band thing. I don't want it to get in the way of my pregnancy. Also I don't want to have to wait another year to get pregnant. I don't think I could. But if the doctor tells me I should do it before i'll definitely consider it. It wouldn't be a bad thing.
I will just keep on being inspired by the stories I hear for now.
If I do get this I want to be more active. I will probably have more energy. I'm not saying I'll be in the gym all the time. Because I can tell you right now I won't. But I would like to be more active in general. And I'd probably want to light weights because I really do like lifting weights and feeling stronger. I like the fast results you get from lifting weights and how tight and strong it makes me feel.
Anyway I think I have so much potential I just need help.
Also I've decided to either go with the Lap Band or the Realize band, not gastric bypass.
I'm not sure what the future holds for me. Ideally I would like to have a child first and then do the lap band thing. I don't want it to get in the way of my pregnancy. Also I don't want to have to wait another year to get pregnant. I don't think I could. But if the doctor tells me I should do it before i'll definitely consider it. It wouldn't be a bad thing.
I will just keep on being inspired by the stories I hear for now.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Reconsidering Lap Band
I was very against the whole gastric bypass thing. I looked into the lap band as an alternative but then decided it was too harsh as well and that I could do this on my own.
I've been able to lose like 20lbs but then thats it. I always only lose 15-30lbs before I lose motivation. I need something that will once and for all get me all the way down. Otherwise its juts like walking up a downward moving escalator. I'm not getting anywhere. The thought of struggling with food my whole life is upsetting to me. Thats not how I want to live. The thought of not being able to eat certain things or throwing up or having medical complications worries the shit out of me. Thats probably my biggest obstacle. Well that and money.
And guess what, this procedure isn't a magic pill. I still have to eat right and work out. Although I hear you can lose weight even without working out. So at least I know I don't have to kill myself going to the gym. Because lets be honest, who can keep that up for the rest of their life?
If I have something inside me and I physically can't hold down much food....i mean.....I get scared when people say "Its a LIFE CHANGE" because I've never been able to keep up anything forever. I mean be realistic. We all have times when we want pizza and ice cream. I'm not gonna eat veggies all the time and I don't want there to be any food thats off limits to me for the rest of my life. Or ever for that matter. If its a situation where I choose not to eat certain foods because I can make healthier choices, thats one thing, but don't tell me i can never have french fries. Everyone is entitled to a cheat here and there. I don't wanna be thin and miserable. But anyway like i was saying, if there's something inside me and I physically can't hold down much food then it forces me to make life changes. Its like...a constant. So I dunno...maybe its doable.
The thing is I don't want to be consumed by this. I don't want to spend my life counting calories and worrying about the scale. I want to have this procedure, follow the rules, and live life. I want this to allow me to live my life to the fullest, I don't want to spend my life living for this lap band.
And I don't even know if its better to get the lap band or the gastric bypass. Thats research I will have to do.
But whats made me reconsider this whole thing is seeing people, real people...in person, who have had GP or lap band or something and they have lost weight and kept it off. One in particular even had a child and she still looks amazing. And lately I keep seeing more and more stories like this and I don't know if its a sign or what. I don't know these people's day -to-day so I have no idea if they're consumed with the weight situation when they're home and not out at some function. My hope is that they're not. I mean, I don't expect to just do this and never have to worry about weight again. But like I said, I just want to follow the guidelines, and try to have as normal a relationship with food as I can, and spend the rest of my time living life and enjoying things.
Anyway thats where my mind is at with that. Am I gonna do it? Don't know. Its not something thats a priority for me right now. I might do it after I have a child. Don't know. Its just something that I'm considering. I might have to go there.
I've been able to lose like 20lbs but then thats it. I always only lose 15-30lbs before I lose motivation. I need something that will once and for all get me all the way down. Otherwise its juts like walking up a downward moving escalator. I'm not getting anywhere. The thought of struggling with food my whole life is upsetting to me. Thats not how I want to live. The thought of not being able to eat certain things or throwing up or having medical complications worries the shit out of me. Thats probably my biggest obstacle. Well that and money.
And guess what, this procedure isn't a magic pill. I still have to eat right and work out. Although I hear you can lose weight even without working out. So at least I know I don't have to kill myself going to the gym. Because lets be honest, who can keep that up for the rest of their life?
If I have something inside me and I physically can't hold down much food....i mean.....I get scared when people say "Its a LIFE CHANGE" because I've never been able to keep up anything forever. I mean be realistic. We all have times when we want pizza and ice cream. I'm not gonna eat veggies all the time and I don't want there to be any food thats off limits to me for the rest of my life. Or ever for that matter. If its a situation where I choose not to eat certain foods because I can make healthier choices, thats one thing, but don't tell me i can never have french fries. Everyone is entitled to a cheat here and there. I don't wanna be thin and miserable. But anyway like i was saying, if there's something inside me and I physically can't hold down much food then it forces me to make life changes. Its like...a constant. So I dunno...maybe its doable.
The thing is I don't want to be consumed by this. I don't want to spend my life counting calories and worrying about the scale. I want to have this procedure, follow the rules, and live life. I want this to allow me to live my life to the fullest, I don't want to spend my life living for this lap band.
And I don't even know if its better to get the lap band or the gastric bypass. Thats research I will have to do.
But whats made me reconsider this whole thing is seeing people, real people...in person, who have had GP or lap band or something and they have lost weight and kept it off. One in particular even had a child and she still looks amazing. And lately I keep seeing more and more stories like this and I don't know if its a sign or what. I don't know these people's day -to-day so I have no idea if they're consumed with the weight situation when they're home and not out at some function. My hope is that they're not. I mean, I don't expect to just do this and never have to worry about weight again. But like I said, I just want to follow the guidelines, and try to have as normal a relationship with food as I can, and spend the rest of my time living life and enjoying things.
Anyway thats where my mind is at with that. Am I gonna do it? Don't know. Its not something thats a priority for me right now. I might do it after I have a child. Don't know. Its just something that I'm considering. I might have to go there.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
we found a house
not gonna get into details because i don't wanna get my hopes up. but we put an offer on a house. its a short sale, in our budget, cute house and best of all its near my parents.
when we find out (good or bad) i'll let you know more about it.
*fingers crossed*
*update*
they accepted our offer but now we have to wait for the bank to approve the short sale. so this could take months. keep your fingers crossed for me.
when we find out (good or bad) i'll let you know more about it.
*fingers crossed*
*update*
they accepted our offer but now we have to wait for the bank to approve the short sale. so this could take months. keep your fingers crossed for me.
remembering things from my childhood
unfortunately i have my mother's temper and her pension for type A behavior. its funny, i'm a control freak but i'm also a slob. isn't that weird? can you be both? i wish i could just chill out and go with the flow like ed. i probably would enjoy life more. but its hard to fight what comes naturally to you. i have to make a conscious effort. i noticed that once my mom let go she became a much more pleasant person to be around.
there was a time in high school when i thought she honest to goodness hated me. like i was a mistake and she wished i was never born. i know now that thats not true. but at the time she had so much anger towards me. high school years were rough. i was trying to rebel, she was trying to control me.
i'm scared of those traits that she passed along. control and a temper. i'm so scared to take that out on my children. i have to devise a plan for when i feel myself getting too worked up. like...a breathing technique or a pillow. or something. as a kid i have taken my anger out on pets. and i felt so guilty for that. its not right. i don't want to pass that on to my children. i know that i get overwhelmed. especially with lots of noises because its hard for me to focus. so when i have two people trying to talk to me at the same time i get overwhelmed. so imagine kids screaming mommy mommy all the time. how will i handle that? motherhood will be a challenge. i feel like i'll either get out of control with my kids or go the opposite way and have them be out of control all the time. no there has to be a happy medium. i refuse to let my kids run amuck like little animals with no discipline. i hate that shit. maybe i was a little scared of my mom at times but i respected her. and i grew up to have good manners and a healthy fear of authority. though it does have its downside. i became a sheep. a follower. in life. its hard to break out of that shell. i wait for people to tell me what to do. i need people to tell me how to do things. i depend on people. there has to be a happy medium.
well anyway these were just thoughts i had this morning...
there was a time in high school when i thought she honest to goodness hated me. like i was a mistake and she wished i was never born. i know now that thats not true. but at the time she had so much anger towards me. high school years were rough. i was trying to rebel, she was trying to control me.
i'm scared of those traits that she passed along. control and a temper. i'm so scared to take that out on my children. i have to devise a plan for when i feel myself getting too worked up. like...a breathing technique or a pillow. or something. as a kid i have taken my anger out on pets. and i felt so guilty for that. its not right. i don't want to pass that on to my children. i know that i get overwhelmed. especially with lots of noises because its hard for me to focus. so when i have two people trying to talk to me at the same time i get overwhelmed. so imagine kids screaming mommy mommy all the time. how will i handle that? motherhood will be a challenge. i feel like i'll either get out of control with my kids or go the opposite way and have them be out of control all the time. no there has to be a happy medium. i refuse to let my kids run amuck like little animals with no discipline. i hate that shit. maybe i was a little scared of my mom at times but i respected her. and i grew up to have good manners and a healthy fear of authority. though it does have its downside. i became a sheep. a follower. in life. its hard to break out of that shell. i wait for people to tell me what to do. i need people to tell me how to do things. i depend on people. there has to be a happy medium.
well anyway these were just thoughts i had this morning...
Monday, May 3, 2010
afterthought
i want to take this time to relish in how cool our lives our right now. we live in a really nice condo in coral gables, ed works in south beach, we don't have kids.
soon we'll be living kendall, working in doral, and have kids. not very glamorous. lol.
also i used to live in boston! boston, coral gables, kendall. my cool points just keep getting lower and lower.
but ps. we don't DO ANYTHING!! i wish we would take trips and live it up before we're settled with kids but the truth is, this is the kind of people we are. homebodies.
soon we'll be living kendall, working in doral, and have kids. not very glamorous. lol.
also i used to live in boston! boston, coral gables, kendall. my cool points just keep getting lower and lower.
but ps. we don't DO ANYTHING!! i wish we would take trips and live it up before we're settled with kids but the truth is, this is the kind of people we are. homebodies.
Going through a transitional phase and doing a lot of thinking
Ok this post may be all over the place as my thoughts have been all over the place as of late but I'll try to keep it organized.
me vs me - my split personality
I've written in the past about have two sides to me (the gemini in me). there's the roodboi/ska/i'mcool side and there's the mommy/grown up/appropriate side. And they often battle each other. I tend to go back and forth between them and they seem to consume me one at a time. There's never a balance there. They both want all of me. I guess the roodboi side is my youth/my past, and the grown up side is my future. I want to strap on my adult boots and go out there and be a mommy and have a house and do all that stuff. But the young side of me doesn't want to give me up. Thats why I sometimes have freakouts about my age or what I'm doing with my life. And as much as I want children I sometimes freak out that this will mean the end of my life as that other person. Then again I used to think marriage was the end of my life. That I had to be a completely different person. But that wasn't true at all. I was me, just with someone awesome always by my side. So right now I'm at a stage where I'm giving in to the grown up side and my youth side is kicking and screaming and clawing to try to hold on. Getting grey hairs, wrinkles, and being called "señora" isn't helping either. I don't mind getting these things. I've never been superficial about my looks at all. But the thing that bothers me is that I still see myself as a little girl. I was always the smallest, and I found comfort there. Now my appearance is changing but I still feel like the same little girl. I don't want to be one of those delusional women you see on "What Not to Wear" acting like i'm 17 when I'm 40. Jesus. But it looks like thats where I might be heading. I need to grow up. But there's a lot of stuff about me thats cool. I think I'll be able to relate to my kids and have fun with them because i'm a giant kid inside. So who knows. This is just something I've been thinking about a lot.
Having kids
The other day I said to ed "I want a baby" and he said "i know". I said "when can we have one" and he said "I'm ready when you are". This of course made my heart melt. We had a long talk in March about life and how he was afraid of change and that getting a house and starting a family were huge things that would be hard work. I appreciated him telling me how he felt. But we both agreed that I came into his life and made things happen. I forced him to get furniture, if it wasn't for me he would still be living out of boxes. He's perfectly happy letting everything stay the way it is. In a straight line. But I'm all about making things happen (i leap before i look sometimes) and if we don't move forward we'll just be stuck in a rut. We have to take risks in life, otherwise life is boring. So after that talk I think we both felt better. He knew it was time to take another leap. So the fact that he said he was ready just made my heart so incredibly happy. I've been so patient (you don't even know) which is hard for someone so impulsive like me, about having a baby. But now I can't contain these feelings anymore. Its time. I know it is. I can feel it. And its getting to the point where all the goals I wanted to reach before I got pregnant are becoming less and less important. So I decided that when we get a house, move in and get settled, we will start trying for a baby. I'm hoping it will be in the next 6 months. Because I will be pregnant by the end of the year, house or not. I'm so happy and so excited that this will FINALLY be the year. I think about my future children all the time. What I want to do with them, how i'll raise them, etc etc. I don't think anyone I know will have put this much thought into having kids or wanted them as bad as I do. Especially knowing it will probably be difficult to conceive with PCOS. But I know that when I get pregnant it will be a true blessing.
But...there is still that part of me, i would say 10% of me, that is having doubts. I'm just afraid to end up in my 40s doing some shit job being bored with life and being miserable. I just see all these people in their 40s who have teenage kids who just seem like they're going through the motions of life. And I also think...god..this is it. Once I have kids i've crossed over to the other side. adulthood. I'll officially be uncool (to my kids). no going back. Also, what the hell am i getting myself into? i'll never sleep again! can i do this? i don't know! but like i said, thats just 10% of me.
House issues
So as you can imagine I'm working hard to find a house. but its SUPER bleak. once we realized that 225k is our budget it really limited our selection. everything is crap. our only choice is short sales but i haven't been able to find any decent ones. we may have to move waaaaay south :( i'm at the point where i don't know whether to wait it out till something i like comes up or to settle for something i don't really like because its a "starter home". or should i bite the bullet and move south and be far from my family and friends??? sigh i don't know. :(
anyway this is all the stuff thats on my mind. meanwhile the cool stuff, like mission ska, is falling by the waist side because my mind is elsewhere. I still love it, I just can't devote much time to it. I wish i had someone to help me keep it running. i'm good at starting things. really good. bad at maintaining and/or finishing them.
me vs me - my split personality
I've written in the past about have two sides to me (the gemini in me). there's the roodboi/ska/i'mcool side and there's the mommy/grown up/appropriate side. And they often battle each other. I tend to go back and forth between them and they seem to consume me one at a time. There's never a balance there. They both want all of me. I guess the roodboi side is my youth/my past, and the grown up side is my future. I want to strap on my adult boots and go out there and be a mommy and have a house and do all that stuff. But the young side of me doesn't want to give me up. Thats why I sometimes have freakouts about my age or what I'm doing with my life. And as much as I want children I sometimes freak out that this will mean the end of my life as that other person. Then again I used to think marriage was the end of my life. That I had to be a completely different person. But that wasn't true at all. I was me, just with someone awesome always by my side. So right now I'm at a stage where I'm giving in to the grown up side and my youth side is kicking and screaming and clawing to try to hold on. Getting grey hairs, wrinkles, and being called "señora" isn't helping either. I don't mind getting these things. I've never been superficial about my looks at all. But the thing that bothers me is that I still see myself as a little girl. I was always the smallest, and I found comfort there. Now my appearance is changing but I still feel like the same little girl. I don't want to be one of those delusional women you see on "What Not to Wear" acting like i'm 17 when I'm 40. Jesus. But it looks like thats where I might be heading. I need to grow up. But there's a lot of stuff about me thats cool. I think I'll be able to relate to my kids and have fun with them because i'm a giant kid inside. So who knows. This is just something I've been thinking about a lot.
Having kids
The other day I said to ed "I want a baby" and he said "i know". I said "when can we have one" and he said "I'm ready when you are". This of course made my heart melt. We had a long talk in March about life and how he was afraid of change and that getting a house and starting a family were huge things that would be hard work. I appreciated him telling me how he felt. But we both agreed that I came into his life and made things happen. I forced him to get furniture, if it wasn't for me he would still be living out of boxes. He's perfectly happy letting everything stay the way it is. In a straight line. But I'm all about making things happen (i leap before i look sometimes) and if we don't move forward we'll just be stuck in a rut. We have to take risks in life, otherwise life is boring. So after that talk I think we both felt better. He knew it was time to take another leap. So the fact that he said he was ready just made my heart so incredibly happy. I've been so patient (you don't even know) which is hard for someone so impulsive like me, about having a baby. But now I can't contain these feelings anymore. Its time. I know it is. I can feel it. And its getting to the point where all the goals I wanted to reach before I got pregnant are becoming less and less important. So I decided that when we get a house, move in and get settled, we will start trying for a baby. I'm hoping it will be in the next 6 months. Because I will be pregnant by the end of the year, house or not. I'm so happy and so excited that this will FINALLY be the year. I think about my future children all the time. What I want to do with them, how i'll raise them, etc etc. I don't think anyone I know will have put this much thought into having kids or wanted them as bad as I do. Especially knowing it will probably be difficult to conceive with PCOS. But I know that when I get pregnant it will be a true blessing.
But...there is still that part of me, i would say 10% of me, that is having doubts. I'm just afraid to end up in my 40s doing some shit job being bored with life and being miserable. I just see all these people in their 40s who have teenage kids who just seem like they're going through the motions of life. And I also think...god..this is it. Once I have kids i've crossed over to the other side. adulthood. I'll officially be uncool (to my kids). no going back. Also, what the hell am i getting myself into? i'll never sleep again! can i do this? i don't know! but like i said, thats just 10% of me.
House issues
So as you can imagine I'm working hard to find a house. but its SUPER bleak. once we realized that 225k is our budget it really limited our selection. everything is crap. our only choice is short sales but i haven't been able to find any decent ones. we may have to move waaaaay south :( i'm at the point where i don't know whether to wait it out till something i like comes up or to settle for something i don't really like because its a "starter home". or should i bite the bullet and move south and be far from my family and friends??? sigh i don't know. :(
anyway this is all the stuff thats on my mind. meanwhile the cool stuff, like mission ska, is falling by the waist side because my mind is elsewhere. I still love it, I just can't devote much time to it. I wish i had someone to help me keep it running. i'm good at starting things. really good. bad at maintaining and/or finishing them.
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