TMI: I got a real period finally.

Disclaimer: If you're a guy and you don't like period talk stop reading now. If you're a girl you'll know what i'm talking about.

Recap: i got off the pill in september. didn't get my period in sept or october. which was troubling because the reason i got on the pill in the first place was to regulate my period. i was sooo irregular. i remember having my period for an entire summer once. it just wouldn't go away. well in november, on thanksgiving day in fact, i got what i thought was going to be my period. it wasn't blood. it was that dark maroonish discharge you get before the blood. sort of a warning like hey its coming. so naturally i was ecstatic!!!! i searched high and low for tampon. eventually i had ed buy me some. only to find that it wasn't even worth using a tampon. it was pretty bone dry other than some of the discharge. i would love to go into this further but for some reason people get uncomfortable with this topic, not me, its totally natural but whatever.

anyway i don't know if i could really count it as a period but hey it was something. well today BAM i got those really bad cramps and there was that tell tale sign that something crimson was a'comin'. unfortunately i was stuck on a bus that kept stopping and going. i was completely miserable. i don't know how to explain it. its not pain per se. but a very intense discomfort. when i have my period all i wanna do is curl up in a ball in my bed and not be touched or moved. so imagine being stuck on a fucking bus breaking every 2 minutes. awful. so like i said i got a hint that it wasn't just cramps this time, it was going to be blood. i was at a mcdonalds in NMB (long story, we took the bus to my school so i could get a feel for how long the ride would be) and said well i didn't really bleed last time so it shouldn't be anything to worry about. and when i got home BAM! there was blood on my panties!! yes i got excited for that. you would too if you were me. then i peed and wow! now THATS a period folks! lol. FINALLY!!!! after 4 months i finally get a decent period. do you know what this means? my body has finally gotten the pill's hormones out of its system! i'm rebooted! i'm normal again!

and let me tel you, it feels great. my gastrointestinal system works way better these days. i'm loving it. i'm very happy to be off the pill. i'd like to stay off the pill.

anyway that was it. an eventful day that i will probably need for my medical records so i decided to document it publicly.

yeah i'm bitter

bout lots of things this month. but whatever. i'm ready to move past it. just wanna cut off ties and move on. start school. start my new life. leave the drama behind. work on me and not worry about or care about other people. i'm so happy i have something to look forward to. a new start. i'm so happy.

i had a dream

i was skinny. lol. it was crazy. do dreams really come true? i want it to come true. i'm working on it. working on it.

surviving the holidays

the holidays are rough. usually suicide rates sore around this time. but this year even more so because of the economy woes. for the first time i could understand. when you feel completely alone in this world, like no one is on your side and everyone doesn't like you, i could see how someone would want a way out.

why are the holidays so rough? why is it that being around your family becomes excruciating? i love my family but on the holidays...its like a concentrated dose of drama. and frankly i'm not sure if i can take another year of it. i need to have a family free christmas. all this obligation is too stressful. it needs to be me and ed and sprinkles of family time. not our world revolves around my family.

its gonna take a long time to find something that works. i just wanna have a kid and have my own holidays on our own.

you gotta love juani

i finally found a recipe that works!!!

Sugar cookies!! i've been trying diff recipes. the first one was a disaster because i didn't realize they keep the shape you drop them in. so they came out like big mountains that were burnt on the bottom. also the icing recipe sucked. so this time i said ix-nay on the icing and use store bought frosting. i had found another sugar cookie recipe i wanted to try but i didn't have all the ingredients.

sooo...i sort of merged the 2 recipes and used some ingredients from both. it also helps that i bought an electric hand mixer so i can get it nice and smooth. this time i put a spoonful of dough on the cookie sheet them flattened it with the bottom of a glass (which was covered in color sugar). well just 10 min and they came out perfect!! the bottoms were golden brown and the tops were white. they almost seemed undercooked. but no they were perfect. at first they were falling apart but i let them cool and they firmed up a bit. they're cake like! its awesome. the texture is divine. the taste is good but nothing special. i guess sugar cookies aren't wowza type cookies but i'd still like to find a recipe where the cookie itself is delicious. but anyway i'm contemplating whether i should frost them or not. so i'm just frosting one and waiting till the frosting hardens so i can see what it tasted like before i do all of them. i'll let you know! i'm too lazy to post the recipe right now but i will, i promise. but for now here's some pics!





*update* they don't have enough flavor to stand alone. texture wise they're perfect. but they're much better with frosting.

after thoughts

its not just that she's a bitch and always has a shit face, and always has to be nasty and say nasty things every chance she gets.

even if she never said a word i still couldn't stand her. you know why? because she's a taker. all she does is take take take. she never says thank you. she never goes out of her way to do anything for others. she sucks the life force out of me. do you know what its like to be around someone who never appreciates a single thing?? someone who could never even make a kind gesture to anyone? why would you ever want to be around someone like that? why??

i refuse to let her steal my joy. i don't need people like that in my life. and you know what, if cutting her off makes my parents cut me off thats just something i have to deal with. my mother picked her over me at my wedding, if she picks her over me this time then fine. if they blame me for separating myself instead of blaming her for being horrible, then i'll deal with it. i have my husband, i'll have my children and we'll have each other. and thats that.

my family puts the dys in dysfunctional

seriously. its to the point where i can't be around them without exploding. we all have issues. all 4 of us. i certainly have my own issues with my parents but we get along just fine. but when SHE is in town all hell breaks loose. she really brings out the worst. she's horrible.

my father thinks he's speaking coherently but he doesn't realize that what he says in his head is not always what comes out of his mouth. is it senility? who knows. but oy.

my mother is the "peacemaker" which is aging her beyond belief. because i know she wants to explode constantly but she just keeps it all inside. which is probably while her blood pressure is so high.

i have faults a plenty. i don't show interest in most of what they talk about. but i think that might have to do with the fact that they don't really get to know me as an adult. but for the most part i'm a nice kid.

but she...she is the most disrespectful, rude, selfish, angry, mean person i know. from the second she walks in the door she's a total bitch. why does she even come home?? WHY? she obviously doesn't want to be here with us. she treats us like shit. i think its because she wants to visit with other friends and family while she gets free room and board, meals, and spending money. its ridiculous. she's 30 yrs old. they just cower to her every whim just to keep her from exploding. they've let her get so out of control.

i'm not gonna let her bully me. i don't need that shit. if she wants to take over my parents and christmas, so be it. thank GOD i have Ed. he is my saving grace during these times. i have no problem having our own christmas. i feel bad letting my parents down. especially my mom who tries so hard to keep the peace and keep us a "happy family" but reality check. i don't need it.

after christmas last year i remember saying "thats it, i'm not having anything to do with her ever again" and yet here i find myself trying to be nice. why bother? marlena needs to learn that if she's gonna treat people like shit, she's gonna be left alone. like YOU KNOW WHO. but they don't try to teach her anything. they just keep giving in. well it will be at the expense of me.

this is the sound of me washing my hands of it.

Christmas Card Holder - I made it myself

i couldn't find out. so i had to macgyver one myself.

The Times We Live In

You know how when you're living in a time you don't really think too much of it, but then later you hear or read about it and say yeah i remember it was a time when this and that happened. you don't realize it when you're in it. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. But now its different. because now whats happening is so drastic that you know this time will be remembered. the 90s were great and pretty uneventful. but now we have Obama being elected and the economy is scary bad and the scariest part is they keep saying its gonna get worse. i think..."are we gonna hit another depression?" maybe that will make us stronger. we're so spoiled. going through rough times makes you stronger.

i think its pretty cool that this time will go down in history and i can say yea i lived through that. and i can tell my kids and grandkids what i remember about this time.

Homemade Empanadas

Betty Page Dies at 85 :(

sad sad sadness :(

I saw the movie about her life. It was really interesting. She was a sweet person.

Details here

Does anyone else remember these??

i used to get these from the 2 story Specs in the grove back in 1996. i was 16 and my mom would drop me and my friends off at the grove and we'd hang out there for hours. mostly at Specs. they had this section upstairs with tables, chairs, magazines and a cafe that sold sweets and drinks like these. I always got the peach one (2nd from left). These drinks seemed soooo cool to me. it tasted just aight. the little balls tasted like...the little cherries you get in fruit cocktail.

we would meet up with randy here and just hang out, talk, walk around, look at cds. good innocent 16yr old fun. ahh...good times.

I was writing this blog entry and I...Jizzed in my pants

Diana hangs out with Vic

Vic Ruggiero is the singer of The Slackers, one of my all time favorite bands. They're a ska band of course. I love Vic. I mean LOVE him.

Diana has a past with him. Sorta. She's gotten on stage with them before. And once in NYC she actually ran into Vic!!!! and they hung out and shit. how crazy is that? Well last night they came to Miami. A show I'd been looking forward to for months. But since I got sick and my eyes are too sensitive to light I decided not to go. Sigh...

so today diana calls me with a whopper of a story. something pulled straight from my fantasy. something so unreal so unfathomable that i must have dreamt the entire conversation. but...i don't think i did. but i'll double check later. she met him after the show, he remembered her. she said you wanna get outta here and get something to eat? he jumped at the opportunity. they spent the whole night driving around looking for cuban food at 2am. nothing was open. they ended up at denny's. they talked about everything. he thought she was so cool. she dropped him off at his hotel on Ponce De Leon. Hello!! yeah like right down the street from me??!!

At first i was so excited to hear this story. Now the more I think about it the more envious i am. Its my complete fantasy but it didn't happen to me. It never does. It always happens to her. So yeah i'm kind of jealous. It makes you think about the order of the universe and god and all that. you can't help but be bitter. even though she's my friend and i love her. but then i think well ok maybe she is lucky in these things. but maybe i'm luckier in other things. she had a hard childhood i had a great childhood. i'm married, she's not. i don't have to work, she needs to get extra work on the side. i mean..everyone has a different path. and maybe i have some things that maybe she's jealous of. so you gotta think of it that way. you have to be happy with what you have and not be jealous of your friends.

at least theres always the possibility that she could call me next time she hangs out with him and invite me along. right?

I cooked for the first time in over a week!

The last time I cooked was the Tuesday night before Thanksgiving. Then you know...the virus happened....so we didn't want any real food for a while. But today finally on Thursday night I felt like eating real food!! But light. keep it light.

I made a steak. I know i know..doesn't sound light. But its a small cut. and it was juicy and good. i haven't had steak in a long time. I haven't cooked it in 6 months and i was a big steak fanatic. it was good. but i'm not gonna go back to red meat. it was just a little change that i needed. and plus my body needed protein. i also had caesar salad, baked potato and a bread roll. it wasn't heavy like greasy or fried or creamy. it was light. and very tasty.

Struggling for Christmas Spirit

I'm notorious for starting to get excited for Christmas too early. This year it hit right after my first Halloween party (oct. 25th) but Ed (Grinch) felt the need to squash that. Why? You know? I mean whats the harm?? You do you have to be a kill joy? Whatever. So because he stunted my natural growth into the holidays I lost my holiday spirit. When time came to get it back it just wasn't there. When I was watching the Macy's parade I was finally able to get it back but then came a disappointing Thanksgiving Day followed by the virus. Knocked any hope of spirit right outta me.

But tonight I stumbled upon the lighting of the Tree at Rockefeller Center and got so filled with Christmas joy that I found myself acting like a 3 yr old with a new toy. I was soooo excited!!! Pure childlike joy. It was beautiful....if unappreciated by others. There I was working on my advent calendar (i'm making it from foam board) and enjoying christmas music and really wanting someone to share the joy with me. Ed came home, he was most uninterested as usual. Its such a bummer. Makes me feel kind of lonely. I remember how my mom would get excited about this stuff because she's a kid at heart too. I wish I had a son or daughter to enjoy this stuff with since my husband clearly is no fun. I wished that Erika and I could hang out together because I just know she would enjoy watching Christmas specials on tv while we work on crafty projects together. Don't you wish we were neighbors prima?

I wished so much he would stay and watch stuff with me or sit and help me with my project or just keep me company. But he went to bed. sigh....:( It gets lonely sometimes. Really lonely. When you're the only one who gets excited about stuff.

Right now I'm watching A Christmas story for the 2nd time today and I'm so happy to be watching something Christmasy while I work on my calendar.



I'm clinging to these feelings of joy. I would feel really hurt and deeply regretful if this Christmas season was ruined or if I didn't enjoy every second of it.

Thanksgiving Video