TIME FOR A RANT

time to take to my trusty blog for a lengthy rant.

2 things i fucking hate

1. when people look at me and assume i eat like a pig. i don't! and fuck you!!

2. when people proceed to lecture me about my eating habits and exercise without even asking me what i've been doing with myself. because guess what I ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING YOU'RE TELLING ME!! i've been dieting and exercising for 6 months and i've lots 25lbs thank you very much! but do you care?? any praise for that? no of course not! because you just came out of the blue and saw me today and thought, she's fat, she needs my help. well FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!!!!!!! go fuck yourself!!

and to all those fucking self righteous shitheads who feel the need to "enlighten" me on something they think i don't already know or haven't already heard from 30 people before them GO FUCK YASELF!!


you can tell the people in my life who actually know and care about me because they're with me throughout the struggle. they're there to hear about my progress. they notice when i've lost weight. they don't lecture me because they know i'm trying. instead they're there for me. they listen to me. they cheer me on. these are the people i care about. the rest of them can suck my big fat dick.

late night/early morning blogging

when there's nothing else to do but think...

i'm tired of trying to force my husband to take an interest in me. i rub up on him, i literally pick up his hands and rub them on me. and the second i let go his hands fall. he is so not interested at all. i can't be mad at him because there are times when i'm like that. so why can't he be like that? because he's not. he's the guy. and he's always been the one to stand at attention whenever he's near me. but lately not so much.

but he's always distracted. either by the tv or the computer or being tired. he never even looks at me anymore. i'm not getting any attention from him. sad thing is i've been feeling very affectionate towards him lately. but its going to waste. maybe this explains the bad dreams.

also...

i'm not excited about xmas this year. i mean, i'm not anti xmas. its nice. i'm just not excited about it. i'm enjoying the month of december. enjoying vacation time. enjoying having a social calendar. just don't feel that feeling. i'm in a good mood thats for sure. just not feeling the excitement. feeling like i could take or leave the pomp and circumstance. i'm satisfied the way things are. but i feel like if i don't celebrate this holiday i'll regret it come the spring.

I went to the show ALONE!!

as i sit eating the first morsel of food to hit my stomach in nearly 12 hours i'm desperately trying to organize the memories of the night that are flooding through my mind. trying to remember every minute detail in its entirety. at this moment i don't care that i'm eating mcdonalds for the first time in 3 months, or that i had to drive around for an extra 30 min to find an open drive thru that took credit cards (because i spent my last $15 on illScarlette cds, leaving me with $1 in my wallet). all i care about is basking in the glow that was tonight. a most spontaneous, surprising, glorious night. to say that i'm proud of myself would be an understatement. and to say i was happy would be a gross understatement. for i am so ecstatic, so busting with jubilence and love that the seems that hold my body together can barely contain it all!

i will attempt...without bursting...to put the events of this night in writing. now. while they're still fresh. though i'm fucking starving and would love to eat, i must get this all down now. for like a dream, with every passing moment, it will begin to fade. and its already been an hour and a half! and thats not counting my endless rambling. so here we go.


as i only found out about this show a week ago, and seeing that it was in LAKE WORTH or what i like to call Bufu (i'd never even heard of lake worth before this), i had no one to go with. seeing as how its a week night and everyone works. and the ones that don't, don't even know or could care less about ska. and being that it was in bufu i had written it off. but then i thought...hey...whats really holding me back from going?? i have a car. i don't have to work the next day. why the fuck not? so i psyched myself up and decided just a couple of days before that yes i would go alone. ALONE! ME!!! can you believe it??

the drive there was surprisingly easy. no traffic at that time. it took me an hour but it was a smooth and easy hour with lots of ska to keep me entertained. when i got to lake worth i was surprised to find that it was a quite nice looking little town. not shady at all like i had thought. not like miami. oof. i actually wasn't afraid someone would steal my car. and can we talk about parking? i was able to get a spot right in front of the club, which to my delight had its name on the front in neon letters. PROPAGANDA. let me tell you, though its small this place has character out the wazoo. this is a superb venue in my opinion. very intimate, plenty of seats at the bar, friendly staff, clean bathrooms and i really like that it was an 18+ crowd. oh and did i mention the parking?!?! I def give Propaganda an A+. In fact, I'm sure I'll go there again.

When i got to the door they gave me a bracelet to indicate i was old enough to drink and get this...it was checkerboard!!

it was a sure sign that the night would be awesome. I walked in feeling confident and totally excited. And for once I didn't feel completely self conscious. i hung out, and watched the methodaires. they were awesome! they played a great set, i especially loved their one upbeat tune____________. they're from ft laud. yay for local ska bands. gotta get in touch with them.

then whilst waiting for the 2nd band i thought perhaps this would be a good time to imbibe as i imagined liquor would loosen me up so i could talk to ppl. i didn't find an open spot at the bar so i waited...and low and behold some chick jumped off the bar stool in front of me. i asked the guy next to it if the seat was taken. he said no and graciously offered it to me. i sat down and saw that the guy in question was Ryan, the sax player from Big D sitting next to Dave the singer. AHHHHH!!! freak out much? ok ok play it cool mel. besides, what was i gonna say anyway? so i asked him what drink i should get that wasn't too strong. he asked me if i liked beer. i said no. he said the mixed drinks weren't very strong. so i went for a sex on the beach. he asked me what i ordered, i told him, he said "good call". then i tasted it and said "this is strong" to which he replied "sorry about that." lol. can i just stop right now and say how nice ryan was? super friendly. anyway i sat there drinking. freaking out inside that he even spoke to me. and that i was right next to them. when all of a sudden dave leans over and says "Whats Emerson?" you'll come to find that this was the theme of the night. you see, i was wearing my EMERSON SUCKS tshirt that i had made back when i was going to Emerson College in Boston. i haven't worn the shirt in years but i had nothing else to wear to the show so i threw it on. and thank god too because it ended up being quite an ice breaker. but back to my story. I answered him "Emerson College". "In Boston?", he said? "Yeah", I said," I went there. I used to wear this to class". He really got a kick out of that. and i just about died inside.

a few min later the bartender said she liked my shirt. "I don't know what it means, but I like it. My ex-husband's name is Emerson". Wow! what are the odds? i laughed. ryan looked over and said "she just likes your bad attitude". :) you might be thinking at this point that ryan is adorable. and you'd be right! but there's more (fuck i almost forgot). i was thinking so hard of what i could talk to him about since he was right there. he asked me when i went to emerson. i told him the whole spiel. i told him that i had seen them at a frat party at MIT some years ago. i asked him the only thing i could think of, "where did you guys shoot the video for Shining on?". He told me they filmed it in LA of all places! the gall! lol here i was, and probably some of you, thinking it was filmed in boston! but no. LA. imagine that. ;)

then the convo died down as i couldn't think of anything else to say and i didn't want to bug them. for crying out loud, its astonishing they showed as much interest as they did!! it was almost painful though, to know he was ready to listen but i just had nothing to say. oh well. i turned around to enjoy illscarlett. they were great as well! they had no horns. but their keyboard player reminded me sooooo much of scott klopfenstein of rbf. they were more on the punky side sometimes leaning toward hardcore but all the while with ska guitar riffs. the singer was short but very charismatic. the drummer was sporting some pretty short shorts. don't think that went unnoticed.

then the moment came...big d and the kids table hit the stage. i got right up front with camera in hand. unfortunately someone taller got in front of me. but still, i was close enough that i could see just fine. big d was of course AMAZING. and i have never had such a great view of a band. i mean, i was right up front. thanks to it being a tuesday night the club wasn't packed. so there was room to breathe for sure. i got some great video of them doing "noise complaint" and i got some of "shining on" before my stupid memory card filled up. i'm always so torn about recording video. on the one hand you can't dance, and you really love that song and you wanna dance. but on the other hand you know you'll love having that video later. its a toss up. i had to get the video because i've never been that close to a band before! by the way, you're welcome.

during big D there was this one really drunk guy. he was a really hardcore fan and knew all the words to all the songs. he was beyond enthusiastic. he bumped into me multiple times. at one point i thought he would burn me with his cigarette. but one time he bumped me and then put his hand on my shoulder and smiled and apologized. so i said to myself, this kid's alright. he had a sharp lookin hat too. i just hope he didn't drive home because oooof. when big d ended the set drunk guy led a chant of "LAX" and then proceeded to get on the microphone and shout "LAX! LAX!" incessantly. the band came back to do their encore and even they were like geez relax guy. they played a couple more songs but they didn't play LAX. lol. i was happy with how much material was from Strictly Rude. They played some of my favs but I was really hoping they would play "She knows her way". I found myself not knowing a good deal of the songs but it didn't stop me from enjoying the hell out of it and dancing my little heart out. i thoroughly enjoyed the entire set. i gotta say, i was mesmerized by Dave's incredibly laid back moves. I don't know how he does it. Its not even to the rhythm he just like..on his own wave length. the Doped Up Dollies were great as well. great pipes and fun to watch. especially for the fellas as they are very beautiful and elegant. oh i have to mention that for Strictly Rude Dave busted out a pianica! old skool. *edit* ok so since this is only going on my personal blog, i can be honest. those fucking doped up dollies were so annoying!! who cares! get the fuck off the stage i didn't come to see you! ugh....

i should mention that i met some nice people from miami. i was so excited to see that people from miami were at a ska show. so i had to make sure i have them the website. hopefully they join the mission!

after the show i bought some merch. i asked ryan if he could sign their cd (god he is soo nice!) and he did. he wrote EMERSON SUCKS underneath his signature!
:D
then he asked Dave if he could sign it too. and dave, omg, he is one of the most genuinely friendly people i have ever met. honestly, there's just no ego there at all. he told me how cool it was that i actually wore that shirt to class. and again i died inside. i explained to him what mission:ska is and asked him if i could get a short interview before they left. he told me to hang out by the trailer to make sure i caught them before they left. wow! i felt like a total tool standing there. like..omg these people must think i'm a stalker. lol. but i waited patiently. i watched the guys load the trailer and studied them. trying to get a feel for what its like to be a band on tour. i wish i could go with them and experience it.

outside were some nice girls who were talking to dave about Lynn, MA. they came up and talked to me. they were very cool. one of them, laura, gave me a hug and asked to have a picture taken with me. lol. how cute is that?

dave was super cool. he didn't blow me off. at one point he even made an announcement that i would be taping them. lol. so pressure right? i had so wanted it to be a real interview but my fucking memory card sucks ass so it had to be short. and after they were done loading up dave called ryan over and they graciously made this little video for me. i honestly can't say enough nice things about these guys. i'm flabbergasted. i have not met 2 nicer guys in my life. just great people. thank you guys. from the bottom of my heart. nothing makes me happier than bands who are nice to their fans.


whether it was the metodaries, ill scarlett, or big d i found myself scoping out each member. watching how they played their instruments and really appreciating it. fascinated by every detail. how they wrapped their mic cords around their stands. how their horns seemed to be faded. how they played the drums or the keyboard. truly appreciating how each one of them worked their craft. i was truly amazed. they're all so talented.



one thing that shocked me about this night was hot incredibly positive i was. i never made a shit face. even when guys were knocking me with their elbows, or stepping on my feet. i just smiled. it must have been the music. i was just radiating love. and i've found that instead of being closed off and expecting someone to be a jerk i should just smile. people are pretty nice. if you smile at them, they're probably gonna smile back.

now really, i gotta go...my chicken nuggets are cold.

Wanna hear something REALLY crazy??

Roodblogger here. I'm in that state of mind these days.

And I have a CRAZY idea. one that is not realistic. we can't afford it. and its just another crazy whim of mine..but.. i just have to share it!!

i wanna learn to play the trumpet!!!! i know i know. i love horns! i had a trombone once. i somehow thought i could teach myself to play it. i was wrong. but i love the sound of the trumpet. i love how it can hit those high notes and best part is, its small! like me! :) wouldn't it be the funnest thing ever to play the trumpet in a ska band?? you could dance around on stage, not have to sing while you play, sing back up sometimes. ugh. my dream. again..never gonna happen but we're talking dream talk right now. of course its way too late. i should have done this 10yrs ago. but dreams baby! dreams!

anyway....i was futzing around and i found this place that gives lessons. and the coolest thing about it is...they say instead of making you play the boring old stuff that you usually have to learn when you learn an instrument they incorporate the kind of music the student is interested in!! umm hellooo!! if i could learn to play ska songs i would be soo interested!! i remember taking drum lessons. all i wanted to do was play songs and wail out but i spent FOREVER tappa tappa tapping. ugh it was so boring. i just totally lost interest! i mean i took drum lessons at diff places and it was always the same thing. tappa tappa tappa. fuck that. teach me something practical.

so yeah..problem is..a trumpet is like $150-$200. i could maybe sell my guitar to get it. but the real bummer is this place is located in ft lauderdale. :( i can't drive to ft laud for lessons. i wish it was in miami. if it was in miami i might think about it. but still...wasn't that a cool dream?

two faced

i have 2 sides of me. i have the Roodblog side and the Love Meli Meli side. And i'm always going back and forth. for example, a few months ago i felt like i wanted to grow up, be more family friendly and girly so i revamped my blog. and now i'm feeling more roodbloggy. i miss my edgy page. this page looks like a soccer mom's page.

i constantly go back and forth. i don't teeter. i plunge in with both feet and become engulfed in this persona. that gemini shit ain't no joke.

i feel bad for ed. wish there was a way for me to meld the two sides better instead of being all of one and none of the other. i go through phases. wish my blog could change with me. like a mood ring.

i see these young people who have careers right out of college and i think....whats wrong with me? why can't i be successful?? do i lack talent? follow through? opportunity? wish i could pinpoint it. i'm not dumb right? no no...so what is it? why can't i have a successful career??

*update*

ed is great at pep talks.

Another crazy mommy moment

Ok so I had another crazy mommy moment this weekend and bought something for my future child! now, because i'm not pregnant or even planning on being pregnant anytime soon its bad enough for me to buy little cutesy things for the baby. but this time i bought something for my future 8yr old child!! lol!! i found THE CUTEST costume at Walgreens this weekend.

you guys....i HAD to buy it!! It was a CAREBEAR costume!! OMG it was sooooooooo perfect!! and it was Sleepytime bear!! thats my favorite!!!! but its for a child. not a young young child. i mean like...8yrs old or so. lol. i couldn't resist! i didn't know when i would see it again!! but good news is it was on sale! lol. ed indulged me in my craziness and bought it for me.

you have to see it! its so cute! we put it in storage.





it even had a heart on the butt!! so cute!!

oh what a glorious morning!!

So i woke up today just before 6am as usual. I go to the bathroom and WOAH.....I GOT MY PERIOD!!! WOOHOO!! you guys this is a big deal!! the doctor said that the metformin would eventually regulate my period. and it did!!

that explains so much. why i've been so tired. the cramps. the sensitive nipples. but here's the weird thing. i didn't get my usual pms. i don't think i got moodswings. I had no clue i was getting my period. i was shocked to see the blood this morning. But here's the thing, right after i put on a tampon and headed out to the gym in a peppy mood, i started to get really achy and crampy. i couldn't bring myself to work out. i came right back and slipped into bed. the scraping feeling was intense. i felt like i had to go to the bathroom but i didn't. just pain. its weird. but i slept till about 10am and it was so luxurious and wonderful. i haven't slept like that in weeks!! man my body really needed it.

here's something to really smile about. i've been noticing my tummy getting smaller. i can feel it. so i'm guessing i lost those last 2lbs to get to a total of 20. but i don't dare get on the scale. and i'm glad i didn't! because i've been retaining water because of my period. which is even cooler. because i'm smaller even though i'm on my period! can't wait till after when i see even more result!

let me tell you, its the working out. thats the key. the metformin takes the glucose and instead of sending it to the fat cells it sends it to the energy cells. and now that i'm burning off that energy, i'm losing fat! its amazing! the lbs seem to be melting off quickly. in just 2 weeks i've seen a real change. and again, i haven't weighed myself. but i measured myself and it looks like i've lost an inch! so if i can keep up the workouts i think i'll really start seeing the results i've been wanting. even if i went down to 3 workouts a week it would still be good. since i don't know how long i can keep up this workout schedule. my goal is to do it for the entire month of oct though.

anyway...YAY!! i'm hoping to weigh myself next week or so. at this rate i will look even better than i look now for our cruise in november. :)

stomach woes

so now i only have 2 modes. constipated and diarrhea. fun right?

update

i'll try not to ramble on and on but here it goes.

for the past week and a half i've been waking up at 5:45ish am to hit the gym. due to a machine glitch i realized that i was actually doing 1 hour on the elliptical and not 30 min. so i said..ok i'll just keep doing it. so i've been doing an hour of weights and an hour of cardio. i've already noticed my tummy going down a but and my face getting smaller. i haven't dared weighed myself. after that whole debacle before i decided to weigh myself once a month. i think working out is the only way to make the metformin work for me. because the dieting alone didn't seem to be working. but maybe like they say my body just needs time to adjust and for the medicine to work. its been like a month now. i'm hoping that with the coming months it does show some kind of result. otherwise whats the point. i still have acne. i know that much. my goal for right now is just to keep up these daily workouts for the entire month. i'm not gonna make any sweeping statements, just setting this goal for the time being. i love feeling tighter and stronger.

i made some custom shirts for tricia's friends but no one has bought them yet. which is pretty annoying because i spent a lot of time working on them and thats time i didn't get paid for. i'm hoping that they do eventually buy them. also i'm contemplating creating my own tshirt line and make them myself. i've looked into it and it is doable. its the first idea i've had for my own business that was actually doable! so i'm excited about that. its on the backburner for now but definitely something on the horizon.

i may have some freelance editing work for this guy. he's totally lowballing me. $15 a video is highway robbery. but its better than nothing right now, plus it would be steady work so we'll see how it goes. if i decide i'm putting in too much work and not getting enough back i'll nix it. but i gotta say working for yourself is pretty awesome. except for the whole lack of money thing.

the best and most unexpected thing? i've sold 3 shirts from my cafe press site. fangbanger shirts. pretty cool huh? i've made $7! woohoo!

some freelance work

I got some freelance work today! :) tricia is telling her friends that i make custom shirts and i'm getting business from them! :) its pretty awesome. a little annoying at all the "can you change this" and "thats nice but can she make it this way" the usual client annoyingness that comes with any client based service. but its ok. i upped my mark up to $5 a shirt so i'm happy :)

also i've been hitting the gym at like 6am the passed 2 days. feeling good. i was out of shape with the weights. i miss feeling strong. i'm getting there.

also i upped the dosage of my metformin to 4 pills a day. so far no real side effects. i'm annoyed that i haven't lost any weight in weeks and i've actually gained a pound. that better change or i'm gonna get pissed.

metoformin 3 weeks, not pleased

its been 3 weeks since i started the metformin and i haven't lost any weight!! i've been eating the same, if not better, i don't have the gassy bloating anymore, i haven't worked out this week but still...i should still have lost something. a lb! something! i thought ok i'm losing weight on my own, now add metformin and it will be even better. i thought hey i wanna lose 2 more lbs so i can say i lost 20lbs. but its been 3 weeks and not only have i not lost weight i've gained a lb. ugh!!!


i feel a little smaller but my measurements show i gained an inch, AND the scale says i gained a lb. so what gives? i mean what the fuck. it doesn't make any sense!!! grrr!!! i mean fuck, 2 lbs in 3 weeks isn't a lot to ask. this is really frustrating me.


is this medication helping me at all???

job search

i honestly assumed after i finished school i'd be guaranteed a job. but not only am i competing with other (better) people, because of the economy no one is hiring.

and doing the freelance shit is not getting me anywhere because like i said...there are about 20 other "companies" out there that consist of one person and the people in miami don't wanna pay for video services.

plus all my family and friends are trying to get freebies from me. i gotta nip that in the bud.

anyway i've applied to about 5 or 6 places. i've gotten one reply. a generic email saying they're reviewing resumes and they'll keep mine on file. but its a cool company and i certainly appreciate getting any response. i def have respect for ppl who respond. since most of the time they don't.

all i can do is just keep applying. but in the mean time i have my website and my business cards. and i'm doing my tshirts. i've sold 2 tshirts! lol. i made $4. lol. anyway...

i really need to have a job by xmas. i'm optimistic because its early still. but i just really need a job by xmas. i want to buy a house next year. we need the money.

The fruits of my labor....my music video

here it is....world premiere. i'm very proud of it.

i was just thinking...

i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning and my tummy looked flatter. i started to think...i'm really doing it this time. this is gonna be the real thing. i'm gonna reach the finish line. and then i thought....i'm just as curious as everyone else what i'd look like at a normal weight. i've don't remember not being fat. so i honestly don't know what i'd look like or what it would feel like to not be fat. i'm curious. its gonna be surreal to say the least. its exciting. :)

Jeans jeans good for your heart

Today I put on a pair of old jeans. Why is this important? Well I'll tell you why.

I haven't worn pants that weren't elastic at the waist in over a year. I was sick of my zipper coming down on all my pants. And you know...the biggest size pants at lane bryant weren't fitting anymore. so i had to get these elastic pants. i love them. they're super comfy and i never have to worry about my zipper being down. and they look like cargo pants. well they're starting to be too loose on me.

Today I had the family (ed's family) here and I thought, I wanna wear something different. So I looked in the closet and saw and old pair of jeans i haven't been able to fit into in a while. I put them on. And not only did they fit, they fit with room to spare!!! is that amazing or what?? I'm doing so good. looking forward to wearing more old clothes in the months to come :)

getting shit done

i've been pretty productive this week, career wise. I made a mini demo reel and applied to an editing job on CL. didn't hear back, and i'm sure i won't but thats ok. getting my website looking sharp. ordered new and improved business cards. and i'm editing my screening vid now. its looking great! i'm also learning more about dvd studio pro so i can hopefully make a menu. a very basic one but still.

little by little i'm getting my shit together. :) starting to look profesh.

Kind of bumbed right now

its been a week since i started the metformin and i expected to be down in weight a little. because i've been eating well, and less than before, been working out, drinking eggplant water AND taking this medication that is supposedly supposed to help me lose weight.

i was aiming for 2 lbs so i could have an even 20lb weight loss. but to my dismay i got on the scale and i was not lighter. in fact i was 1/2 lb heavier!! :( whats up with that? i'm not going nuts because i know its NOT me because i've been doing really well. i'm gonna chalk it up to the met side effects. all the gastrointestinal stuff. the bloating, etc. i'm hoping that in a few weeks....or maybe a month i'll actually see a decent drop in lbs.

The job hunt begins

So I just applied to an editing job on CL. I probably won't get it but it forced me to work on my demo reel and update my resume.

so i was updating my resume and it just felt so awesome to not have to put all the administrative stuff i've done. only the creative stuff. its so fulfilling to be able to only go for those jobs i want! i made it happen. i changed my life and now i get to do what i love!! how amazing! and though i don't have a job yet i already accomplished a lot by getting to where i am now.

let my story be an example to everyone. if you're not happy, and you'd rather be doing something else, get off your ass and make it happen!!!

revelation about my mother

i already knew that my mother can hurt me deeper than anyone. and that almost everything i do in life is to please her. because praise from her is like praise from zeus. and she never just gives praise without a side of judgment. thats all known stuff.

but i was thinking while i was laying in bed....she totally controls me. she always find a way to control me. she's totally passive aggressive with her guilt and i always end up doing what she says. because i'm not cold hearted like my sister who would say no and not give it a second thought. she, and my sister does this as well, preys on me because she knows i usually can't say no. don't get me wrong i say no a lot to invitations to events i don't wanna go to. and she lets that slide. but for stuff like doing something for them, taking someone somewhere, or visiting someone, then she knows she can make me do it with her passive aggressive guilt. i don't think she does it on purpose, or even realizes she's doing it. its just something she does. and i'm sick of it. i'm sick of her controlling me. i have to learn to say no to her. and then maybe i can say no to others. she asks way more of me than i ask of her.

also you know what i find incredibly annoying? when i go to a party at their house and i'm surrounded by people i don't know or care about and therefore don't say hi to, and she tells me in front of everyone "did you say hi to so and so? or meli say hi to so and so". ugh!! it pisses me off!! i'm not a fucking child. and you're treating me like one in front of people. i don't know these people. if i wanted to say hi, i would have. i don't feel the need to say hi to everyone at every party or i'd spend the first 20 min shaking hands. geez. i'll say hi to them if i feel like it. next time she treats me like that again i'll just turn to said person and yell "HEEELLLLLOOO. HOW ARE YOU? GOOOD??" and just mortify my mother. maybe that will teach her to leave me alone.

Test results are in

My doctor called today finally with the results of my glucose test. And it was all good!

i DO NOT have DIABETES!!!! YAYAYAYAYYAYAY!!!

In fact he said my glucose levels were not in the danger zone. They were in the normal range, which I didn't expect. But its possible that cutting my carbs, eating better, and losing weight helped lower my glucose levels. Either way i'm ecstatic to hear it!! :)

He also said my cholesterol levels were great. so yay!

i also asked, and thank god i did, about the vitamin d. i remember him saying 50,000 mg but he said i could get it from the drug store. and when i went to walgreens i only saw vitamin d 1000 or 5000, so i got 5000. but it turns out the paper he gave me was an actual prescription. so i have to go back to walgreens and get it filled. good thing i asked huh?

anyway there you have it! YAY!!!! even more hopeful now!

met update and future goals

So I had a bit of side effects after upping my dose. Bloating. Major bloating. Big gas bubbles in my tummy that wouldn't come out. All i wanted to do was pass gas and get relief but it wasn't happening. Uncomfortable yes. Unbearable no. Then Saturday night a couple hours after dinner and my 2nd pill of the day I got some dreaded diarrhea. But that was to be expected. I can at least say that i felt major relief afterwards. I wake up feeling a lot less bloated. but there's still a little bloat. i plan to give my body a week or so to get used to the dosage. might even wait till after this coming weekend to up the dose again because i have family staying with us in our one bedroom one bath apt. 7 people sharing one bathroom? yeah..its not the time where you wanna have diarrhea.

Its weird to feel bloated on the inside but skinnier on the outside. i feel my tummy and it feels smaller. even though it doesn't look smaller. i guess the shape is changing. also i notice i'm not as hungry anymore. i don't eat as much. i don't get hungry as much as before since starting metformin. so i'm hoping with that, the fact that i've been working out, and the eggplant water, i'm hoping i'll be seeing some results this week. i normally would not weigh myself every week. more like every month. but i want to see if the eggplant water (and now the pills) are making a difference. things are looking good. i'm hoping that by halloween i can fit better into some old clothes and that my weightloss will be noticeable. i've lost 18lbs so far on my own so now with medication i'm hoping i can lose 30lbs total by halloween. thats my goal and i think its reachable. i'm doing amazingly so far and having no trouble so i'm very confident i can achieve my goal :)

my goal for xmas is to be down 50lbs. that would be amazing! then you'll really see a change in my appearance. and i'll be well on my way to my goal of 80lbs. I say i won't let myself get pregnant till i lose 80lbs. but thats not my ultimate goal for weight loss. thats just the minimum. i would love to be down 100lbs by my 30th bday next june. if i continue the way i have been there's plenty of time for me to get down the weight by then. but for me its the little goals. goal for end of oct, goal for xmas.

there's gonna be a point where i plateu and i'm scared of that but i guess i'll cross that bridge when i get to it.

Upping my dose

today i took one metformin with breakfast along with my usual dinnertime dose.

so far no side effects. some more of the cramping and bloating.

i find myself getting really sleepy in the afternoons. i don't know if its the met or working out in the mornings. maybe both? but burning that energy really gives me good sleep. i've been sleeping through the night too.

we'll see what happens when i take my 2nd pill today.

one thing i've noticed is that i'm not hungry as much as before and i get full on less food. which is nice. i feel my tummy thinner and emptier without feeling the hunger pains.

random rant

i've always been the black sheep. can you believe that? ME??? well yes. apparently.

always been misunderstood by my family. none of them really know me. i'm talking immediate family here. they know how i was as a kid. and possibly my quirks. but they don't KNOW me on the inside.

sometimes i feel like its them three and i'm the red headed stepchild that never fit in. i'm not a party person like them. i was always a bit different. we're so dysfunctional.

News Radio Bloopers to make you pee your pants

mother issues

all i hear from my mom is her nagging me about one thing or another. even when i give her good news, if i'm doing well, she can't just say "thats great! good job!", she always finds SOMETHING i could be doing better. its so annoying. why does she do that?? she always has to shit on something. she doesn't even know she's doing it. she's just trying to "help me" but she's not.

the thing that really upsets me is that she bends over backwards to take all the abuse from my sister. my sister is a total bitch who's always nasty. my mom always takes it. why? because she's probably trying to keep the peace. keep my sister from exploding. but with me, no, with me she gets all defensive. why? maybe because i don't blow up. i just run away and cry. its so unfair. my sister is an emotional bully and my mom is right behind her.

no my sister can do no wrong. because, its not her fault, thats just the way she is. but it seems like i can never do anything right. and she's so fucking passive aggressive. its so immature. shouldn't the mother be the mature one?

*edit*

so i thought about it. i think she may be the reason i don't know how to deal with people or things when it gets bad. i either walk away, and when i can't do that, i completely close off. she's that same way. and both of us dealing with each other is the worst of the worst. my dad, for all his meltowns, he usually listens with a gentleness. he's not always on guard like she is.

right after this happened with my mom i felt like i wanted to cut her off and move away. super dramatic. but i'm fucked up hormonally and i react to things very deeply. now that time has passed i just don't feel like talking to her for a while.

i think i figured out what bothers me the most. she judges me constantly. when i told her about my concerns for marlena she immediately jumped to marlena's defense and made me feel like i was the enemy. instead of being impartial. she could have been like, well she usually eats healthy, but i understand why you would be concerned. but no it was more like, SHE eats healthy, it was only that one time. and the reason i didn't know you had pcos is YOUR fault.

whatever. i have too many fucking issues with her. too many fucking issues. i can only hope i have, with the help of ed, a better relationship with my kids. i'm a lot more vocal than she is so i'm hoping that works in my favor.

losing my boobs

i'm losing weight but you can't really tell because instead of my tummy getting smaller and my boobs sticking out more, everything is getting smaller at the same time. my boobs are totally deflating! how depressing!! i've made peace with it though. if thats what it takes to get to where i need to be, so be it. i'm not happy about it though. but i figure hey when i get pregnant i'll get huge boobs for 9 months. lol. thats what i keep telling ed.

i wonder if lifting weights for my pecs will help me grow my boobs or make it worse. after all, if i build muscle on my chest i'll be burning fat. and boobs are just fat after all. i wonder if doing this is helping or hurting. does anybody know?

good workout this morning

i ate some crackers and cheese before my workout this morning. i read that eating carbs before a workout is the best thing to do because it gives you the energy to burn. otherwise you're just burning muscle, not fat. so i paired the carbs with some protein (cheese) and i don't know if it was that or if i was just well rested but i had a great workout. so much energy. at one point i got tingles up and down my body. endorphins maybe? i dunno.


and today i had no side effects at all! how cool! :)

meli got her groove back

remember how amazingly motivated i was when i first found out about PCOS? it was my a-ha moment. then i went on HMR and it completely sabotaged my whole thing. my motivation was shot. i tried to get it back. i went almost a month without working out and a couple weeks without dieting much. it was slow going for me to get back on track. but i did recently. still having motivation problems with working out though.


but when i came home yesterday i felt that hope again that i haven't felt since i first found out about pcos. i guess i had pinned all my hopes on HMR and when that didn't work it messed me up. but after the doctor prescribed this medication and its a fact that it will work to reduce alot of the problems i have i'm hopeful again. i'm hopeful and happy and motivated. i find myself not being tempted by the bad foods anymore! i'm so proud! and as for the workouts, i just have to make sure i get up and do it in the mornings. and i'm sure after some time it will become routine and i'll start to feel the benefits of it and be more motivated to work out.

but i have to tell you guys....so far my mood has much improved. yesterday i was in such a lovely mood. :) and today too.

just wanted to share. :)

talkin' bout side effects

so i took my first metformin last night as you know. and for some reason (this probably has to do with the fact that i waited 16 hours to eat yesterday) i had hunger pangs even after i ate dinner. i had a TLC pumpkin flax bar and that helped. But i didn't feel any side effects.

I went to bed around 1am. i slept pretty ok. not great, but not bad. i woke up at 7. i could have slept longer but i made myself get out of bed because i know if i don't work out early i'll never work out. plus i like to get in there before 8am because at 8 the sun beats in and it gets so hot in the gym.

i woke up feeling empty. as in my stomach was empty. i was in a good mood though. i think i dreamt about healthy things so i woke up feeling good. i went to the bathroom. i usually have to go to the bathroom 2 or 3 times in the morning so i didn't notice anything diff. so i went up and walked around the pool. it was nice and cool and i had my mp3 player. but after 5 min i felt an urgency to go to the bathroom so i went. one thing i noticed was that while i was going i kept getting cramps and feeling like i needed to go more. i felt like i would never get out of the bathroom. but still nothing bad. then i got on the elliptical for 30 min. at the 18 min mark i felt like i had to go to the bathroom but i didn't wanna stop because i was afraid i wouldn't wanna get back on the machine afterwards. so i kept walking but was careful not to push myself because i knew i'd have to run to the bathroom. i ended up finishing the 30 min and i didn't have to go.

i came back to the apt and ed was in the bathroom so i started doing dishes and cleaning the kitchen. i was nervous i would have to storm in there but i was ok. i felt the hunger pangs and i knew i had to eat something but let me tell you, i REALLY did NOT feel like eating anything. i had NO desire. but i knew i had to eat. so i made some cracklin oat bran with strawberries an walnuts. it was good. i especially enjoyed the strawberries. they were like...little nuggets of deliciousness and refreshingness.

now its 10:30 my tummy still feels sensitive. i know i will have to go soon. i should probably go now before the view.

so far my symptoms are:

nausea- but not the typical dizziness that you get from reading while in a moving car. but more like just a feeling at the base of my esophagus that feels like it could come up at any minute.

sensitive stomach

increased urgency to have a bowel movement

luckily for me none of it is bad. its all mild. whew!

Metformin

I started Metformin today. I took a pill with dinner, that was around 10pm. Its now 1am and I didn't really feel any side effects. So thats a great sign. I mean they're extended release tablets so it might still be too early to tell. But so far so good. I'm going to bed now. Wonder if I'll get any of the side effects in the middle of the night and have to wake up to use the bathroom.

as i was writing this i started to get a little lightheaded. not one of the side effects but its something i noticed. don't know if its related.

My 2nd endocrinologist apt - glucose test

So I had to go in fasting for this test. So from 9pm last night to 9am this morning. Thing is, I woke up around 4am, I couldn't sleep! I had taken a nap so I couldn't sleep.

So I got up. I was nervous. Typical anxiety I get before something big. The hunger pains started getting to me around 7am. I have to say though, it was never THAT bad. I've had them really bad before.

So we get to the apt about 30 min early. I brought the hubby this time. We settle in with our laptops. They called me in right at 9am, i was shocked! The lady who took my blood was not the same lady as before. She was very sweet and quiet and kind. I told her I was squeamish with needles and she understood. She was very gentle with me. And to my pleasant surprise she took the blood from my hand an not my arm. Which was easier for me.

Then after she took my blood she gave me this really sugary orange drink. It was like sunkist but just the syrup without the carbonated water mixed in. at first it was yummy. then about 3 sips in i was like ughhhhh. then after i drank it she told me to wait 2 hours and she would call me back. that stuff made me feel like barf bc it was just too sugary. But i sat there with my laptop and watch adventures in babysitting on dvd. it was great. the time passed pretty easily.

Then right before 11 she called me back in. She took my blood again. Same hand. And surprisingly i have no sorenesss. i was sooo sore after that last lady. also the doc was a lot nicer this time. i've concluded that its better to go earlier in the day. by the end of the day they're all in a shitty mood. so i'll make a note of that for future apts.

then the doc talked to me about my previous blood tests. he said my blood pressure was ok. my cholesterol was ok. my testosterone was high. and that this glucose test would be able to tell him whether i'm diabetic or just pre diabetic. he went ahead and prescribed me the metformin. he also gave me a sample bottle so i can start taking them today. i have to start on one pill a day and gradually move up to 4 pills a day. but i have to take it really slow because the side effects can be bad and some people can't handle them. he also told me to take 3 vitamin D pills a week.

now a little about metformin for you guys who never heard of it.

its a medication to help with the insulin resistance. which is causing most of my problems. it should also lower my testosterone levels which will help with the facial hair, the acne and my periods should start to regulate themselves in a few months. also it should help me lose weight and help with my moodswings.

so basically this pill should help regulate my pcos. but i do hear the side effects can be intense. they include: nausea, bloating, flatulence, diarrhea, and frequent bowel movements. i'm kind of used to some of these from using xenical but we'll see. hopefully its not too bad.

but i feel very hopeful. :)

OMGEEEE!!!

I just weighed myself. I guess that eggplant water is working because its only been a week since i started it and i'm down 3.5lbs! here's the kicker i was bad and didn't exercise at all this past week. but i did eat healthy. can you believe it? i'm down 1.5 pounds more than when i did a week of HMR and working out.

I don't know if its water weight or what but i have also lost 1/2 an inch on my waist since last week as well. i will def keep up with the eggplant water. go me!! its nice to know that despite frequent feelings of depression and hopelessness i keep losing weight. little by little.

Where did Ivonne go?

I thought when one of my friends got pregnant I could live vicariously through them. Because isn't that a perk of one of your best friends getting pregnant?

But Ivonne has disappeared from the face of the earth. I guess every pregnancy is different. i guess some people go into their shell. Maybe she's too tired to get online these days. Too nauseous. Or maybe she's having issues of her own that far outweigh sharing your pregnancy with friends.

It makes me kind of sad. Kind of closed off from her life. But I have to respect it because who knows what its like for her. How would I know? I'm not pregnant.

I just hope she is healthy and that everything goes well. And that I get to see her before the baby is born.

You realize I'm being completely selfish right? lol. Yes i know.

sigh

feeling undesired

if you added up the series of events of the last 2 weeks you would say "he's just not that into you".

Started the eggplant water

It doesn't have a taste. but its a little weird because distilled water tastes diff than regular water because it doesn't have the usual stuff in it that they put into our water. so thats kind of weird. but its not the eggplant. the eggplant just gives it a grape like aftertaste. like if you have sliced grape halves floating in there.

i haven't noticed anything really except....well last night i took 1 oz (2 tablespoons) before bed and then i was lying in bed wide awake for hours. i don't know if it had anything to do with the eggplant water or the fact that i got overstimulated right before bed by telling ed a funny story. so who knows. i just took another oz right now hoping that maybe it will give me another boost of energy because i feel so lazy right now.

i don't know if anything is happening but i really hope it does something! i'll keep you posted.

Still losing weight :)

I was worried that after that whole HMR debacle (and those 2 weeks following where I was going out to eat everyday and not working out) that I would gain some of the weight back. I decided not to weigh myself till after my doctor's apt. Maybe that will be my new thing, weigh myself every month.


Anyway I did weigh myself and not only did I not gain any weight (yayayayayay!!) I lost a pound!! yay!!! and i can really see it in my body, especially my back, that i've lost weight.

Today I get to drink the eggplant water, so we'll see what happens. Anyway the point is I'm really proud of myself! And this really helps my motivation! Even though I hit a rough patch, I'm still on my path! yay! :) go me!

My first endocrinologist apt.

An overall unpleasant experience.

First of all my apt is for 3pm. I get there at 2:45 to fill out any paperwork since I'm a new patient. Well i ring the doorbell and no one comes to the slide doors. so i sit. then about 15 min go by, they call the other woman in the room. so i ring the bell again. then after a few min someone finally comes out to help me. i do all the paperwork and then i wait. someone else comes in after me and gets called in before me. its 3:38 and i finally get called in. she weighs me and then sends me to the doctor's office. not an exam room, his actual office, which is cool because that way its less pressure on me. so i'm sitting there and its 3:45 and he finally comes in just to shake my hand and say he'll be back. then i wait another LONG 10 min.

This is really unprofessional in my book. I mean waiting an hour for your apt? Then when he finally comes in the room he doesn't even apologize for making me wait. Already that shows me how much he cares about his patients. Then he starts asking me about my medical history and about how often i got my period when i was 15. Um..i'm 29yrs old, i can't even remember shit that happened a few months ago. He asked me things and i felt put on the spot and couldn't think of the answers. Only because I was nervous, i did actually know the answers. but i looked like a moron.

The good thing is he seemed really knowledgeable about pcos and even recommended a book for me to read. But here's what I didn't like. Instead of commending me on losing 13+ lbs in 2 months, or the fact that since I found out I had PCOS i've totally changed my life and i've been eating healthier and working out, instead of that he tries to scare me. I don't respond well to scare tactics. Instead of being positive and saying, don't worry i can help you with this, its not the end of the world. he says things about gastric bypass, and i should be 100lbs lighter and that i should cut out ALL carbs and its gonna be hard. and just one negative thing after another. i don't know about you guys, but thats NOT the way to get me to do something. it has the opposite effect, i feel boxed into a corner and i rebel. i mean what he was asking me wasn't so far fetched, seeing as how i hardly eat any carbs at all. so cutting them out won't be too difficult. but the reason i've been able to do so well on my own is because i knew i had options. once you take those options away from me i feel deprived and it ruins all my progress and motivation. thats the problem with these strict diets. they don't work! and i'm sorry but there's nothing wrong with eating small portions of good carbs. just more scare tactics.

Plus he doesn't know my diet. I'm so sick of being judged. I'm so sick of people taking one look at me and thinking i eat tons of junk food. He has no idea!! I've NEVER been one to eat alot. I always get full quickly. and i've been eating VERY healthy for months now! but again, no positive. only negative feedback. doctors are assholes. its bad enough i have to deal with this genetic disorder that effects every aspect of my life (which includes depression), but every time i see a doctor i leave feeling worthless. The only positive thing he said was that my workout regiment was very good. But he did say I don't have to bother with lifting weights. I think thats bullshit. I really wish ed was there. i would have felt stronger. maybe not have been so weak. maybe he could have spoken for me when i couldn't. i hate going to doctors alone. i feel out numbered.

He also told me birth control isn't doing anything for my pcos. and it could actually make the insulin resistance worse. so he wants me to get off the pill as of now. And i have to come in next week and do some glucose test. which involves coming in fasting, taking blood, drinking sugar water, then taking my blood again 2 hours later. so you can only IMAGINE how much of my day i'm gonna waste at this place.

good news: he did say there was medication he could put me on that would help my insulin resistance and help me lose weight. but before he can decide what the best medication is he needs to see how my body works. so he wants me off the pill, i did some blood work today and i'll do the glucose test next week.

by the way, the lady who took my blood was in a bad mood and she was NOT gentle at all. she had a bad attitude, she wasn't nice, she stabbed me with that thing and then she pulled it out all hard and it hurt like a bitch!!! and she didn't even care. she acted like i was a grapefruit and not a person. let me tell you, that whole office could use a class in bedside manner.

Eggplant Water

did i tell you about the eggplant water? i read that eggplant water is good for ppl with PCOS because it helps with insulin resistance and lots of ppl are saying that drinking just one ounce a day helps bring down your blood pressure and helps you lose weight. i don't have high blood pressure that i know of. but it couldn't hurt. lets see if it works. there isn't a set recipe anywhere but i can tell you what i've heard.


What you'll need:

- medium sized eggplant
- (at least) 60 oz glass container
- 60 oz distilled water


What you're supposed to do:

Wash but don't peel the eggplant. Cut the eggplant in half so there's a top and a bottom half. Put one of the halves away. Cut up the other half into cubes. Put the cubes into the container and fill it with distilled water. Cover container and put it in the fridge for 3-4 days. Then you can drink it. About 3 days later you should remove the chunks of eggplant from the water, but you can keep the container in the fridge and it should keep for a good amount of time. 60oz of water, drink one oz a day, so it should last about 60 days. Apparently you should start to see results in the first week. And by results i mean better blood pressure numbers and possibly you could lose a couple lbs.

I have no idea if its water weight or what. Or if it will come back when you stop taking it. All i know is that the people i've talked to like it and have been doing it for a week or so and are seeing results. Also its cheap and natural so no harm in trying. If it helps with my PCOS then i'm happy.

Now here's a big question. What does it taste like? Because lets be honest, it sounds pretty gross. But i've been told that it smells like grapes and tastes just like water. In other words, no real taste. So thats good. I can tell you that while i was cutting up the eggplant i noticed it smelled good, like grapes.


Now....here's what I did.

- all they had at the store were giant eggplants. lol. but for only $1.99 i didn't see the problem. lol.

- i couldn't find a glass container that held 60oz. i mean where the hell are you supposed to get that?? so i used an old spaghetti sauce jar. i washed it, then boiled it to sterilize it. its a smaller jar. maybe like 30 or 40 oz. i also bought a plastic jug with a screw on top that holds 64 oz.

-distilled water. i didn't know what this was. so i had to go to the store and find it. but i was able to get a gallon.

-i cut up half the eggplant but since its such a big one i used some of the cubes in the glass jar and put the rest in the plastic jug. honestly i don't know why it has to be a glass jar. i have no idea if it makes a diff. so better to be safe than sorry. i have one glass and one plastic. we'll see how it goes. i'll let you know in 4 days.


i did notice that the plastic jug is already starting to change color. i don't know if its because of the plastic or because it has more eggplant in it.

*update* 4 DAYS LATER

Today

I went to Jenny's and she sewed my new pillow! My old one shrunk down. I needed a new one. Now I have 2. When this one shrinks down I'll take the old one to her for re-stuffing. This way I never have to be without a pillow. Clever, eh? :)

I finally got my period. I was doubting it would even come. It came when I was at jenny's house. I thought it would be a doozy. but so far it hasn't been at all. i only got a little bit of scraping.

i had the best nap i've had in weeks! thanks to my new pillow! :)

the music video is almost done. i just have to bounce it to AE to put some fx on it and then add credits. but i'm NOT gonna put it online. not now anyway. I want to do a screening. Either rent out a space or find someone with a big tv. and screen all my work. i deserve my moment to shine after all my months of hard work :) then once everyone has seen it, then i'll put it online.

my plan is to learn dvd studio pro and compressor, put together an editing reel, learn some cool stuff in AE and put together an AE reel, try to get a job doing editing or visual fx and if not i'll get a part time entry level job at channel 7. its nice to have a plan. i feel good about it. like i have options. like there's hope. :) oct is my deadline. we'll see what happens then.

right now i'm working on customizing my cafepress site. and also working on some true blood t-shirts.

i swear i CANNOT do just one thing at a time. i seriously must have A.D.D. because i need to constantly be working on several things because otherwise i'll get bored if i can't switch back and forth every couple of minutes.

dear diary

i want to be pregnant!! most of the time i'm ok. but when i read about or hear about other ppl doing all these pregnancy related things thats when it really hits me. like...no fair...when is it gonna be my turn? then i have to just remember i'm the one stopping myself. for a reason. i want to be healthier...and i'm on my way. i want to have a job...and i'm workin on it. i want a house....this one is up in the air. frankly at this point...i'm willing to bend on that one.

i will say this to you diary. because i'm sure everyone else is sick of hearing it. i really really want to be pregnant. but here's the saddest most gut wrenching part.

the more i look into PCOS the more i fear that i won't even be able to get pregnant. there are people with pcos who have been trying to get pregnant for years. wouldn't that be the most vicious of ironies? all i've ever wanted was a baby. i wait and wait and work really hard so i can have one. and now i probably won't be able to have one of my own. its the saddest thing i can even think of. this condition already has me feeling like less of a woman. because i have no libido and therefore am a bad wife. not to mention all the physical side effects. i struggle every day with my femininity. but to not be able to get pregnant would be the dagger in my heart. then i wouldn't be able to do the one thing that makes me a woman.

i wish i could be normal. just normal. not special or anything. just normal.

Marriage rut

every marriage goes through periods of blah. we're going through one right now. not sure what caused it. if its something i did that bothered him (and he never told me), or the fact that i haven't been in the mood for sex in a while (guys feel closer to you after sex, go figure) or maybe there's no real reason. but its there. i don't think he notices, or cares. it could be one of those domino effect things. he's not affectionate toward me so i don't feel affectionate toward him but he's not affectionate because i'm not. its a vicious cycle. but i tried. i made the effort this weekend. i feel like he just wasn't interested. i should talk to him about it, but he just gets this blank stare like he has no idea what i'm talking about. so whats the point?

i know there are periods when he misses me and is happy to see me and wants to be around me. and then there are periods like now where we're just there. and it wouldn't make a difference if i was there or not. right now we're more like roommates than husband and wife.

i hope this lull ends soon. maybe it will end on its own. maybe i just have to wait it out. we'll see.

*edit* maybe its the depression. another side effect of PCOS and since this is my period week and i'm not on the pill, its probably that. i still think there's a lack of sweetness around here. but today i notice i'm having the blues. and i'm feeling lethargic.

Welcome back!

Been away for a while. Trying to get my shit together. and i have! :)

this has been a kick ass week!

Let's see... i've been working out every day this week. one day weights, one day aerobic cardio. its been rough. not gonna lie. hard to get back in the swing. i SO was not feeling it yesterday. plus i haven't been sleeping much and going to bed so late. but even though i went to bed late yesterday i woke up refreshed today. for once. i think its because i took like 2 naps yesterday. so i woke up at 8am today and got up. i went to the gym. it was so hot in there. the sun was just beaming in. but listening to your own music is a big help. it gets you going. so its not even time for The View and i already worked out and showered! :)

ok other than that...

I have been doing some actual work this week. I've done 2 things on the TO DO list i made after school was over.
1. order new business cards and 2. make a voice over page on my website. done and done!

then i did a rough cut of my music video for nathaniel and it came out great! he loved it! and it reminded me that i do have talent and i do enjoy editing :) got my juices flowing again.


i'm now working on the actual video which will contain little to no green screen footage.

SAE is STILL dragging their fucking feet with our refunds and certificates and i'm really getting pissed. he told me last week. now 2 weeks have gone by and nothing. I HATE THAT MAN. hate him. he's a giant fucking douchebag. i HATE having to depend on him. i wanna get my shit and i never wanna have to deal with him again.

but for the most part its been a great week!

back on track

last week was my transition week. i never ate anything bad, but i wasn't as strict as i used to be before hmr. my biggest splurge? sushi! :) not a bad splurge i think. although the thai iced tea was a sugary splurge for real. i need to transition into the way i was eating before. my choices aren't bad but i can make healthier ones. small changes, you know. also trying to get back to the small portions like before.

today i made it a point to wake up early and hit the gym. i did weights for the first time in weeks!! and boy i felt outta shape!!! it was rough. i felt like a weakling! lol. gotta change that. i wanna get back in fighting shape baby. i loved how i felt when i was strong and doing weights every day. gotta get back to that. doing aerobics is cool and it works parts of my body that i don't work at the gym but its not a replacement for doing weights. i need to find a way to juggle both.

also i did 30 min on the elliptical. working out the old fashioned way. it was work baby. work! but i did it! :) gotta get back in the routine. i miss feeling strong and sleek. i wanna feel that again.

this sketch really spoke to me

Michael & Michael Have Issues	Wed 10:30pm / 9:30c
Break-Up Sweatpants
www.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

yum yum eating real food again

just did a big grocery load. lots of yummy fruits, meats and yummy stuff. stuff i used to get. nothing like FRESH food and VARIETY!! i'm so happy!! i'm happy again! yay!!


fucking hmr made me sick of veggies. so right now i'm going heavy and on fruit and trying to slowly re-introduce veggies.

A new day has come

Yesterday was soooo rough. I can't even tell you. I was so nauseous all day. Everything made me wanna puke. I couldn't really, and didn't really eat. The only thing i was able to consume was Special K cereal (with no milk) and some diet soda. i guess because it was so different from what i've been eating for the past week. everything else was too similar. i couldn't even drink water. ugh it was awful. i was so miserable. i drank some spicy ginger tea last night and that helped. then i went to bed. oof.


but i'm happy to report that i woke up bright and early at 8:30 am feeling sooo much better!! i think i'm well on my way to getting back to normal. i want to forget that entire ordeal and put it all behind me. and not talk about it anymore. i'm being a little more flexible with my diet right now. still staying within the umbrella of healthy choices, but letting myself ride the border for now. until i feel healthy enough to transition back to where i started from before this whole fiasco. i hope to eat some real meat today. i think my body really needs it. i hope i can handle it. things are still sensitive for me. i feel like my stomach just got out of an abusive relationship. lol. i'm just trying to get back to normal.

thanks to everyone for being super supportive. it really really helps. i feel like so much healthier today.

GREEN DAY CONCERT!!

Finally!! on to some non-diet related news. Last night was the Green Day concert!!! woohoo!! my mom got me the tix for my bday in June. best birthday surprise ever ever ever!!!

These pics aren't great but its the best i could get.






now if you wanna see some truly amazing pics of the concert, check them out here

video taken by someone alot closer than me


We were right outside the tour busses waiting for them to come out. But at nearly 1am...we had to give up. we hadn't eaten or drinken anything in over 4 hours! plus ed had to work the next day.



I was dehydrated, tired, sore, and hungry. but i was high on adrenaline and perfectly happy to wait for them all night.



Some pics of downtown at night. its quite lovely.





The freedom tower at night


someone enjoyed their concert huh?


someone was tired, hungry, sweaty, itchy and not in the mood





THE END!

OK no more HMR

Had to be done. Gonna get back to doing what I was doing before. enjoy life again. :)

so thats that.

Change of heart?

ok i'm gonna sound like a broke record here and forgive me if i've said this many times. its on my mind right now and i feel like i have to get it out or it'll be on my mind all day.

ok so here's the deal. as you know, when i found out i had pcos something clicked in my head and i finally committed to getting healthy and losing the weight. this meant cutting way down on carbs, cutting portions and eating mostly meats and fruits and veggies. which was great. i never felt deprived. i never felt the need to eat the bad things because there was so much variety in the good things. i was happy. i didn't fall prey to temptation. life was good. but i longed for something more convenient. "just tell me what to eat and i'll eat it" was my motto. and i got what i asked for with HMR. they make it really easy and really convenient. but i find the food to be 5 diff versions of the same shit. drenched in cheap tomato sauce. i find myself getting nauseous at the thought of eating it. and i'm getting sick of veggies too!! ugh...

when i was doing it n my own i never felt like i was on a diet. i just felt like i was making better choices. it was never "i can't eat that" it was "no, i'm not eating that anymore". i'm finding myself miserable. and last night i was so close to eating bread with butter that i almost lost control. it was the hardest thing. living like this makes life miserable. i'm sorry, it does. its just a series of "i can't". i can't eat this i can't eat that. i can't get too excited about going to an outing because i know i can't enjoy myself fully.

i'm really afraid that this diet is gonna break me. its gonna break my momentum, my motivation, that awesome light switch that went off in my head. i don't want to lose that. its too important to me. i feel like this diet is damaging. like this will break me. and that will be the worst thing that could happen to me.

so...i feel like i should find another way. the HMR coaches make some good points. they say doing it the natural way isn't impossible but you're constantly bombarded with temptation and food and most ppl just can't do it on their own. and for most people, including the old meli, that would be true. but they don't realize that for me, something clicked. and i don't want to ruin that, and i hope i didn't already do too much damage. i did it on my own for a month and i was great! i'm fully confident i can continue that. yeah sure it won't be convenient. but....you can't have it all. either convenient and deprived or happy and have to prepare all your meals.

i thought about doing something else, like jenny craig. something with more variety and better tasting food. and maybe one day i will do that. but for right now, financially i can get by doing it on my own. maybe i'll keep some of the HMR food and replace some of my meals with it, the way ppl on maintenance do. but i just think it would do more damage than good to stay on this diet.

it might take me longer to lose the weight. i might not be 50lbs lighter by christmas like i was hoping for. but thats ok. as long as it goes down steadily. thats good. and i will continue to work out. hopefully i'll have more energy.

and thats it. what do you guys think?

haha

i bought this exercise ball so i can do the resistance workouts on my workout dvd. it turns out i'm too heavy for it!!! i would have to lose 18 more pounds just to be at the max allowable weight to use it. omg. what a larf. how the hell are you supposed to lose weight if you're too fat for the equipment?

First weigh in with HMR

Well i lost 2.5lbs. Which is ok i guess. nothing spectacular. especially when i hear other ppl talking about losing 4 or 5lbs the first week. sigh...

but like ivonne said you can't always tell by the numbers.

good news is i've lost an inch and a half off my waist!! in one week!! now THATS results i can be happy about.

Thank you!

Just wanted to thank Ivonne for giving me some positive reinforcement when i really needed it! This diet has me going a little nutso! lol. hearing you say that i should stick with it and that the body sometimes takes 2-3 weeks to adjust really helps!!! ok...so there should be some change eventually. i just gotta hang in there! i can do it!

you know how everyone has their own opinions about dieting. so its easy for someone to look at what i'm doing and poo poo it. and i think thats dangerous because people in my position are so fragile. struggling every day. so for you to give me positive feedback and support is like you saying "feeling weak? here, i'll put my back against yours and you can lean on it. just don't sit down." you're awesome! thank you!!!

7 days on his diet

every single day is a struggle. its so incredibly limiting. you think of the simple pleasures you once had, like shrimp and broccoli or a piece of wheat toast with peanut butter. such simple healthy things are off limits to me now. it sucks. when i was eating healthy and cutting out carbs i never felt restricted. i was happy and i kept doing my thing. but this diet...man...i'm not gonna lie. its really rough. its getting rougher and rougher and the days go on. i thought it would get easier but no. the opposite.

its been 7 days. tomorrow i weigh in and get my phone call. if i don't see some serious numbers then i don't think i can continue this. life is just.....its not enjoyable when you're a prisoner to these type of restrictions. if i'm only losing 1-2lbs a week, i'll go back to what i was doing before and losing 1-2lbs a week.

but now that i'm pretty certain i'm retaining water...who knows what will happen tomorrow. anyway....for the time being...its just an every day struggle.

oh monday monday

went to SAE for hopefully the last time. to get my Apple Care (which we were supposed to get months ago) and sign the final withdrawal papers. but its still not completely over. i still have to get my refund and my certificates. then its done.

the stench of onions still lingers in the fridge. i have about half an onion sliced (left over from the weekend) in a baggie. i then placed that baggie into a bigger ziploc baggie and the smell is still really strong. still makes me wanna puke.

also, i think because of the progesterone i took at the beginning of july made my body ready to have my period this week. but then i start birth control yesterday. but here's the thing...my body seems to have already started the pre menstrual process so i feel like i'm retaining water. booo. so it might affect the numbers at weigh in tomorrow. BOOOOO!!

i did the "project you type 2" aerobic work out today after not doing it for 3 days. and surprisingly i got through almost the entire thing!! wow! go me!!! i'm so proud of myself and happy that my body is still getting in better shape even though i hadn't done this workout in days. :) now i can chillax for the rest of the day.

i bought a resistance ball at target. i'm gonna blow it up and try it out tomorrow.

Back on birth control

So after almost a year (got off birth control in sept '08) i'm back on as of today. Its gonna regulate my period which i desperately need. but i find i'm having some funky side effects.

usually if i take a nap i'm ok. as long as i eat something before i sleep. because when i power down (sleep) my body doesn't need food every hour. and when i wake up the hunger isn't killing me. the hunger comes back once i start to eat again. but this time when i was sleeping i started getting a bad headache and stomach pains. :( then the thought of sauteed onions (which i made a whole mess of last night) made me wanna puke. those slimy, stringy, yuck!!! then i wake up and i'm struggling to make a shake fast to eaze the monster in my stomach and i open the fridge and this overpowering smell of cut onion comes shooting out. omg....i almost threw up right there. barf!!!!

whatever i made my shake. drank it all the way down and the hunger is still there. i guess it takes a bit to register in my stomach.

my nipples are sensitive but thats to be expected. i can deal with that. i was not expecting the nausea though. and i'm not preggers. i took a preggo test on sat before i start birth control just to make sure. i don't want to harm the baby. if i was preggo i would have stopped this diet immediately. but i'm not. and its normal to have these side effects when start birth control because its messing with my hormones. but ugh. i'm gagging still. i hope it goes away soon.

its a diff birth control than before. that also might have something to do with it.