took progress pics today.

i see a difference. its slight, thats for sure. same shape, just slightly less of it. and slightly more booty. :) its changing. my body is changing. very slowly. i want it to happen faster because i have so much further to go than everyone else. they all seem to just be toning and building muscle, where as i have lots of weight to lose. but i need to be patient. its gonna take time. its not surgery.

but seeing the progress has given me the push to keep going. i know its happening. even if i don't see it in the mirror or on the scale. i will NOT let the scale define me. fuck the scale in fact. because its not about that.

i'm just gonna keep grinding. worry about hitting my macros and enjoying eating 2,000 calories. lol. doing cardio and lifting heavy. and thats it. 

eat more dingus!!!

turns out the reason i was a miserable fucking cow for 2 months is because i haven't been eating enough!! i've been reducing my calories like an asshole when i should have been feeding my body and feeding my muscles. now that i'm back to doing what i started doing in the first place (the macros system works if you let it!!!) its so much easier. i get to EAT. and i was starving. i don't feel deprived, depressed, i feel alert and i am actually craving healthier food. go figure. i'm generally more pleasant. and more able to take on this fukacta schedule.

not even gonna sweat the scale right now. i think its gonna take my body time to adjust to the extra calories and realize its getting what it needs and therefore will start shedding it. i'm doing well exercise wise. i burn 400 cals a day 5 days a week. eventually i will go back in the right direction. its a lot more doable now. focus on fueling my body (soooo much more doable now, macros are very doable and no deprivation involved) building muscle and i have to keep on with the cardio and start challenging myself with the cardio the way i do with the weights. if i really wanna burn fat. i suck at that though. i hate shit that makes me huff and puff. i hate that feeling.

as for my fatigue, i can't say for sure yet because it has a tendancy to go away and come back a week later so i won't know for sure till some time has passed. but right now there's a WORLD of difference. and if i think about it....the times when i had more energy were the weeks after i allowed myself to pig out on the weekends. getting more calories in gave me more energy. i can't believe i was pushing my body every day without fueling it. i can't imagine how much damage i did.

i found this EXTREMELY helpful. it answered all my questions.
http://iifym.com/why-does-your-calculator-tell-me-to-eat-so-many-calories/

i used this calculator
http://iifym.com/iifym-calculator/

last night in bed ed and i were talking about how glad we are that this 9 week semester is almost over. only one more full week. then we get 4th of july off and that whole weekend together. then half a week. then we have 5 days together, including the hotel/spa days. ahhh.....then..pretty much right after that starts orientation for next semester. thats so fucking depressing. for both of us. this schedule is so hard on both of us but especially me. holding down the fort. having benji all day, no car, trying to workout, clean and on top of that i'm chronically fatigued. i will be honest, i don't know if i can do another 9 weeks. i really don't. i feel like it was super hard for us and....put a real strain on our marriage. not to mention a physical and mental strain on ourselves. personally i don't think its worth it. even he is starting to see that now. i really just want him to quit this stupid job. i'm trying to be supportive but at what cost???? our relationship is suffering. i'm suffering. not to mention he is missing out on benji's milestones.

sigh...

i worked so hard this week. and i gained. i gained. sigh......

it has to be muscle. i lifted HEAVY and i can feel my arms are more defined. which is awesome. but the scale is fucking me up. plus i'm not seeing myself getting thinner at all. i look puffy and fluffy. i hate it. sometimes it feels like i'll never make it to my goal.

it was easier when i kept seeing results. that was before i got more serious with the weights. i've vowed to concentrate more on cardio and keep weights to twice a week. thats all i really need. back/shoulders and bi/tri.

i bought some dance workout stuff for some fun cardio. but i'm gonna try T25 which is a lot more serious. its just hard because something is wrong with me. i'm tired. i mean....it goes in waves. it seems to happen every 2 weeks....i hit this wall and my energy drops so low that i can't even do simple things. like this week was another bad week. i forced myself to get through every workout. thursday i hit the wall and just started to cry bc the thought of doing the things i have to do every night with the baby seemed so overwhelming bc i didn't have the energy to do anything.

at first i thought it was iron. so i started getting more consistent with my supplements. and it went away so i thought that was it. but then it came back again. then went away again, then came back. i really need to see a doctor. i know there must be something wrong with me. it might be all the caffeine messing up my body...sigh...its such a crutch for me.

2 weeks ago my weight went up on the scale. last week was BAD so i didn't bother to weigh. but this week i worked so hard, and made sure my calories were low and burned at least 400 calories daily. and i thought i would see the scale go down. nope up again. its very discouraging and frustrating. sigh...its hard to work so hard and be so disciplined when it feels like its for nothing. at this rate i don't think i will get to my goal by september. i've been doing this march but i've been serious about getting in shape since jan. unfortunately i do have a time limit to do this. i need to get rid of the panni and get preggers again because i'm already 34. sigh.....

i'm going to do this cardio plan. and hope that it makes a difference. i really need this. i need to see results. also i really need to see a doctor because fast paced cardio is really difficult for me lately when i have no energy.  thats why i've been avoiding it. if i do cardio its LONG low impact stuff. i need more short intense stuff.

Taking a voluntary leave of absence from social media (or what i like to call social rehab) and its been tough. Especially when I can't put my every thought out there for everyone to see. like who is going to know how yummy this coffee is?

i have to express myself somehow or i just go crazy. so i dusted off this old blog. i'm sure no one bothers to read this anymore which is a good thing because interaction is not the best thing for my rehab. just writing to write. also i don't feel like updating my whole life since my last post.


i just really wanna say this....

the best most surprising times i've had were times when i didn't expect anything. expectations are killers of good things. they make you only see the "bad" things. i have to make a conscious effort to let go of all expectations. to walk into each situation with a blank slate and accept the gifts life has to give me.