The fattest little fat girl ever

You know what bugs me? When people say they are heavier than me or look heavier than me and then they say they wear size 24 pants. I wish i could fit into 24 pants! I've been wearing 28 for years until i couldn't even fit into those anymore. none of the pants at lane bryant were fitting me so i had to buy these elastic pants. 3 of them. and i've been wearing them for 2 years. just rotating them. i haven't worn normal pants in 2 yrs ppl!!!

i guess because i'm only 5'0 tall this weight is exaggerated on me. whereas on another taller person it wouldn't be as bad. some of you who way a little more than me had no problems at disney. but me i had a really hard time. some of you fit into pants i haven't fit into in years and years. a number on the scale doesn't mean everything. sometimes i feel like i'm the fattest person i know. :(

Disney fears!!

Omg you guys. I have a family trip planned for Disney in October and it JUST dawned on me. Last time i went to disney was in 2006 for my honeymoon. I remember being MORTIFIED because I couldn't fit through the turnstiles. It was probably one of the most humiliating and shameful experiences I can remember. No one wants to feel that way on their honeymoon. The embarrassment turned to anger. Disney is huge. They make TONS of money of millions of people each year. I've looked around and ALOT of these people are fatties like me. So WTF Disney?? grr. that made me mad. you make the rides big enough but not the turnstiles? Not cool. Not cool at all. :\

So I realize I'm about 10lbs heavier now than I was then (of course i ballooned to almost 40lbs heavier but brought it down over the last couple of years). So now i'm like...fuck. Is it possible things changed in the last 4 years? did enough people complain? If i can have surgery in late august/early sept like i wanted to, i wonder if i can lose like 10-15 lbs by october. fat chance probably. lol. if i'm lucky i'll be just the same size i was last time i went. and what will that get me? grr.

anyone else go to disney lately? anyone have trouble with turnstiles?

Found my surgeon!!!

YAYAYAYAYYAYAY!! I wanna give a HUGE shout out to my girl Mckayla who is a friggin angel for telling me about this guy. I can't thank you enough girl.

I went to the info seminar for this new doctor today and I'm so happy to say i found my surgeon!

The seminar wasn't as flashy as the first one i went to. It was in the dr's office, not some meeting room in a hospital. there wasn't fancy slides. The actual surgeon didn't talk to us. His assistant surgeon did the presentation. But she answered all my questions and was very knowledgeable. I asked questions about the surgeon and she told me some things i hadn't even asked. Like the fact that he sutures over the staples for double protection against leaks. which is great. he's got GREAT stats. she says that sometimes he takes a little longer doing the procedure because he wants to do a really good thorough job. and the price is good. not as good as mexico but paying an extra $500 for convenience is worth it to my husband. The women in the office were so sweet and so helpful. I feel really good about this. I finally know what I'm gonna do. I have a plan. :)

Next Friday I have my consultation with the surgeon so i can ask any other questions i might have. i could have gone this friday but i'm going out of town. so next friday it is. he's gonna tell me what tests i need done and what dr.'s i have to see. then i plan on making apts asap and trying to get them done in july so that i can schedule my surgery for late august!!! yay!!!!

today on the way home we stopped at TGIFridays. i got steak, shrimp, broccoli and mash potatoes. a lot of food i know. but i wanted to have leftovers for later. so i loaded up on water before so i wouldn't be so thirsty during the meal. then it came. the steak and shrimp were so juicy i didn't have to worry about thirst. and i slowly ate some steak and some shrimp. then when i was half done with the steak i ate some broccoli and then some mashed potatoes. i chewed every piece till it was mush. my husband was done with his sandwich and chips before i was half done. the no water thing wasn't bothering me at all! juicy food and drinking water before really makes a diff. i was so hungry i could have eaten everything on my plate. but i stopped even though i was still hungry. because i knew that it takes time for your stomach to send the signal to your brain that you're not hungry. so i left maybe 1/4 of my steak, half the potatoes and some of the broccoli for later. i never got that feeling of being stuffed. my husband did. and he got sleepy. that happens to me when i eat too much. i'm not hungry. i could eat. lol. but i'm not like hungry hungry. i'm good. although for some reason my mouth is so dry right now. i don't know why. i'm drinking water but it doesn't seem to be helping. weird.

anyway i'm soooo happy and sooooo excited!! :)

Telling Others (cue jaws music)

Its getting closer and more real now. Its getting to the point where I'll be telling those close around me. And I'm a bit worried about the reaction. I don't know if they will be like "oh wow, good for you" OR "wow, thats kind of drastic". sigh.... my friends and family are opinionated, as am i, so i can't fault them for that. But I'm very sensitive. Especially when it comes to huge life decisions like this one. I know that if they start knit picking at my plan or give me their heavy handed concerns its gonna start to bring me down. I can only imagine what my parents will say. oof. I guess they won't realize that just because I'm just telling them now doesn't mean this just popped into my head now. I've been researching this every day for a month. I've gotten the thumbs up from my doctors. I dunno. I guess I could just not say anything till I start losing weight and they start noticing. lol. "hey you've lost weight, you look great, what are you doing?" oh i had surgery 6 months ago. WHAAAAAT??!!?!? lol. or just never admit i had it. yeah right, i can't really keep secrets about myself. i'm an open book and love to talk about myself. so i guess i'll just have to suck it up and put on some protective gear when telling them.

any suggestions?

more justification for me

sometimes i just talk to hear myself speak. this is one of those times. just writing this so i can have it to turn to when i'm feeling weak.

it doesn't mean i can't eat carbs. but eat proteins first, then the veggies/fruits and then if there's room have the carbs. you will either be too full for the carbs or only have a bite or two. and if you do end up eating a meal thats high in carbs then you know you'll only be able to eat a small portion of it. its not the end of the world. just go back to the right way of eating. proteins first, then veggies/fruits, then carbs. thats why i know the sleeve will work. i love the idea of still being able to enjoy treats now and then, and being satisfied with one or two bites. :) plus there's a lot of low/no sugar options out there these days.


ok i am obsessed with this damn surgery. lol. all i do is read up on it. lol

Pork Chops and Cauliflower w/pics

Tonight I made pork chops and roasted cauliflower using the recipes that Steph gave me. Thanks Steph! :)

They came out yummy!




I think I just found a foolproof way of making good pork chops!

I used this dinner to practice chewing thoroughly and eating without water. OOOOOOOF talk about a challenge!!! That cold bottle of water was just sitting there. Oh man. And the spices in the food made me so thirsty. But I resisted. I thought to myself, I haven't even found a surgeon yet! Why am I torturing myself when I don't have to? But I figure its better to work on this now and start getting used to it. I did have a banana with dinner though. It helped a lot to have something sweet with the salty stuff.

So now dinner is done but I'm trying to wait 30-45 min before i drink water. I want water soooo bad. Lots and lots of water. Probably the whole bottle. And yes I will be chugging it. lol baby steps. one thing at a time.


*after thought*
i love chewy/dry/charred foods, especially meats. but having to chew it till its mush is hard on the jaw. maybe its time to start eating my meat wetter and more tender. also this way i have to actually really taste the meat. not sure how much i actually like the pure unadulterated taste of meat. hmm...next time maybe i'll try some sauces.

*update*
so i ended up waiting like 40 min and you know what? i wasn't even that thirsty after the first 10 min. i didn't even drink that much water. interesting.

2 big challenges

i've been trying to practice my new way of eating for when i get surgery.

i find that i inhale my food. i don't know why. its like i can't help but chew super fast. like i'm so hungry i can't wait. don't know if its because i wait too long to eat and i'm really hungry or if i love the taste or why i do it that way. but i do. so i've been trying to chew slowly and for a long time but i'm struggling with this one. it will take some practice for sure.

the 2nd challenge and this one will probably be the hardest for me to adjust to. and that is not drinking when i eat. i get so thirsty when i eat. and imagine, i'll be eating lots of meat. having to wait like 45 minutes after i eat to drink...man i'm getting thirsty just thinking about it now. and then i'll be so thirsty i'll wanna gulp it. i love to chug water. the sipping thing will take practice just like the chewing. but the not drinking while you eat? oooof. thats gonna be a major challenge. i'll get used to it eventually i'm sure. but oof. its gonna be hard.

have you guys had any issues with these things??

Things are gonna change

Today my mom was showing me pictures and sharing stories from their recent trip to Germany. About how they don't speak any German but they went there and ended up making friends wherever they went. It was amazing to me. I thought, gosh, I'm nothing like my parents. They're soooo social. They love to go out all the time and always make new friends. It comes so easily to them. Meanwhile I like to stay in and not go anywhere because I don't like crowds. I don't like to travel because I'm not cut out for it. I hate flying, I can't walk alot, its too tiring. And I suck at making new friends because I'm introverted to the point where I probably come off as rude. I have gotten so used to being closed off that I don't even like to make eye contact. I don't speak unless spoken to and even when people talk to me I'm very short with them. I get anxiety talking to new people. Mix my anti-social behavior and anxiety with a husband who likes solitude and we're a couple of fuddy duddies who would go on a trip and keep to ourselves the entire time. We don't like people that much. lol. But the truth is I think we're both kind of shy.

I think all that stuff has to do with my weight. The hiding, the anxiety, it all comes from being picked on as a kid. The funny thing is I was skinny till puberty (and pcos set in) and then it all went down hill. Before that I was super extroverted. A huge ham. My dad often says "what happened to that little girl who was always putting on shows and loved to act and wrote poems?" and I would always roll my eyes. But sometimes I would find that I wanted to go out and be around people. I think I'm actually social deep down. But its hidden under all this baggage. Mental and physical baggage. People who know me well probably don't get how painfully shy I am because around people I know I'm a loud talking wise cracking comedian who always has something to say.

So I thought today...my gosh...I will finally be a whole different person when I finally lose this weight. I can go out there and not be afraid of getting negative attention. Not have to worry what people are thinking about me. I can just be how I was before. Its been like 20 yrs. Its going to be so different. But gosh I am so ready! I'm so committed to this. I am so ready to change my life!

So they finally got back to me about the insurance

And the results are:




DENIED!!!



Yeah, I kinda saw that coming. Turns out my husband's plan specifically excludes this surgery. They said I could try to switch to another plan but my guess is that they excluded it on all plans to save money. I'll still call next week and ask if there are any plans under his company that will allow for WLS.


But more than likely I will be self pay. Which means losing our house. Our casita. I was so excited to finally have Thanksgiving at my place. Finally have my parents and my in-laws coming to MY house. and I would do the cooking. I was so excited to have our first real tree in our foyer. We had the perfect spot. The house was so cute and well kept. Its only 12 yrs old! sigh...it was such a last minute find too. I had given up all hope that we'd find the kind of house I wanted. And just then, this one popped up on my radar. It was in really good shape, very affordable, and 10 minutes from my parents. :) I wanted to be close to my parents because we were going to start having kids soon.

But...maybe in a couple of years we'll be able to save up again. And we don't NEED to live close to my parents until we start having kids. Maybe I won't have my little casita. A place to call our own. A place I can finally decorate. Maybe not this year. Maybe not next year. But this surgery is more important than a house. My life will improve. And hopefully with my new health, new outlook, new body, I can finally get a job and we can save up for an even better house. Sometimes things happen for a reason. I don't know. Maybe we were meant to find this house so that we could have this option. Without this option I never would have been able to be self pay. So maybe its all part of his little plan. I don't know.

Its a sacrifice. I can't say I won't be sad, especially when the holidays come around. But I'll be so happy to have this surgery.

I found a doctor who has amazing reviews in mexico. My husband says he would like to keep it simple. Try to find someone in the state of Florida who can do it for cheaper than my doctor here. He's willing to pay for convenience. I told him I would look into it. But if the dr. in mexico is our best option, we're going there. I can't say that I'm fond of the idea of flying 6 hours to cali then driving 2 hours to mexico. especially on the way back. So I'm willing to look in FL and see what I find. But if I have to go to mexico I will.

Gosh look how far I've come. only a month ago I was just contemplating this all. And now not only do I know I want it, I'm willing to give up my house and get it done in Mexico. wow.

If any of you know any good WLS surgeons in FL who do the sleeve please let me know. thanks.

Question for you guys- loose skin

Loose skin. Who's experienced this? Is it bound to happen? I saw this girl online who lost a lot of weight and had lots of loose skin and she got plastic surgery. well her surgery not only looked like frankenstein and left gnarly scars but it looked 10 times more painful than the WLS itself. yikes! that scares the crap out of me. She did have gastric bypass and i know they lose weight the fastest so i'm hoping it won't happen to me. i know i'll have loose skin but there are varying degrees. some of you can deal with and some looks like you're trapped in a floppy skin bag.

anyway i was hoping you guys would share your experiences with me. if you've posted entries and/or pics about it can you send me the link?

thanks

mentally ready

today i was at the grocery store and looking at certain things thinking "i won't be able to eat that anymore, or that, or that" and then i thought "you know what? thats ok. i'm ready to make these changes. it will be so worth it."

and i don't worry about not being able to eat carbs. i worry about finding high protein snacks and stuff since it seems like EVERYTHING has carbs. i mean we're surrounded by them. they have a longer shelf life. they don't need to be refrigerated. everything is carbs. its just a challenge to find things that don't have carbs.

anyway i'm really proud of myself. i'm mentally ready to do this. its not about what i'm gonna miss anymore. its about how happy i'm gonna be. :)

Happy with my choice

I was reading the forums and there was one post where someone asked if anyone had any regrets. the only regret people said was that they wish they had done it sooner when their children were young so they could have had more energy. and it brings a giant smile to my face. i know that doing this before i have children is the right thing. and it will be a sacrifice for me to have to wait but it will all be worth it in the end.

i'm so happy.


also i should let you guys know that i have made up my mind and i do want the gastric sleeve. its just what i thought was the best choice for me. but i believe that no matter what WLS you choose, you're taking a big step in the right direction. we're all weight loss sisters. we might have different experiences but we're all on the same weight loss journey. :)

Speaking of high angles (video time)

Ok ladies I brushed upon the high angles last post. Here's the follow up.

I made this video last year when I had gone back to school. I came up with an alter ego who is everything I'm not. She's confident and fabulous and makes no apologies for her look. She tells it like it is and isn't concerned with her weight. She's Sushi Fabulous. Sushi Fabush for short. And here she is saying whatever comes to mind.


Check it out

Meeting a bandster! pt. 2 (with pics!)

Yesterday I drove up to meet Steph who ended up not being dangerous at all. Instead she was very lovely and very welcoming. We talked a lot (I did a lot of the talking...i have a talking problem) about the band and all the questions I had. We went in the pool for a bit. She showed me pictures of her as a kid and some before pictures as well as pictures of some friends of hers. It was really cool and really inspiring.

But I have to say my fav part is when we went to eat Thai. The place we went to had such a nice ambiance and the waiter was so friendly and can I just say I had the best fried rice I've ever eaten. Seriously. And I've had A lot of fried rice in my day. Oooh we also had sushi. It was so nice to eat something I don't eat often. Oh and Steph and I talked about dinner ideas and ways to prepare veggies and pork chops. I will definitely be coming to her for dinner ideas.

We snapped a couple of pictures at the restaurant.

Here's Steph


Here's Me


oh geez thats a terrible picture. lets do better. here we go.


high angles dahling. did i ever tell you guys my theory on high angles? oh ladies....stay tuned.

anyway here's us. in this case the high angle thing didn't work for me here. lol.


It was nice. I'm proud of myself for having the guts to go on an adventure and meet someone like that. I faced 2 fears, driving far and meeting someone for the first time. Thanks Steph!

Steph also dropped some knowledge on me. Little gems like don't let food sit out for hours. lol. Also she says that based on what I've told her I probably have sleep apnea. I went back and asked my husband what it was I did at night and it sounds like pretty obvious sleep apnea. I'm going call to set up a sleep study this week.

Today we went to Denny's for breakfast with my dad and I told my husband about NSVs. :) And how I'm looking forward to those. He's so friggin supportive. I wanna shout it from the rooftops how much I love this guy.

Meeting a bandster!

Today I'm going to meet Steph. But I'm starting to get that weird paranoia that develops from watching too many crime shows. I'm like...what if I get there (lured many miles from home) and its a set up and I'm raped and tortured and killed by a couple of sadistic loonies!!!!! wow. I guess if you always imagine the worst case scenario its ok. Its when you don't think about it that something happens. lol. thats my theory.


I hope Steph isn't horribly offended by this. lol. but the world is a crazy place. Anyway I'm looking forward to shooting the shit, getting some sun and making a new friend. :)

but just in case i come up missing......

lol ;)

info seminar

well i'm glad i did my research. i went in with more knowledge than most. they didn't tell me anything i didn't already know except that:

-sleeve usually isn't covered by insurance
-lap band is better for pregnancy
-you need to take vitamin b12 shots?? shots? :( i hate shots

other than that i knew everything. it feels good to be on top of things. the info they passed out was very heavy with the lap band. lots of lap band stuff. he made it sound like you could only lose like 50lbs in the first year with the band. i felt like pointing him to all your blogs and seeing how much weight you guys have lost in your first year. i don't like that he didn't stress that WLS is hard work no matter what. he was kinda making it sound like gastric bypass is no work. he was obviously trying to sell surgery. so i'm glad i have my other resources for getting info.

anyway it was good. i left my info. i'll be getting a call in a week to set up a consultation. and i won't find out about the insurance till they call me. so we'll see.

fyi i found a link to an article that says that AETNA and United Healthcare are now covering the sleeve. so thats good to know.

also...my husband says that if insurance doesn't cover me we could give up our house to pay for the surgery. we are under contract for a house but we're waiting for the bank to approve the short sale. which could take forever. we have about $12000-15,000 saved up for the down payment. it took me SO long to find a good house. and i've been wanting a house for YEARS. seriously. i would HATE HATE HATE to give up my little house. :( but.....if i have to, i will. we can find another house one day i guess. its nice to know we have some kind of option. lets hope it doesn't come to that though!!]

but i feel good. time isn't standing still anymore. we're getting the ball rolling. can't wait for the next step!

Don't hate me but...

I've been doing more research and I'm really starting to lean towards getting the vertical sleeve.

My endo suggestion I do it. But I hadn't researched it. I just really ignored that option because I wanted the band. But upon reading more about it I really can't find a down side. Its a lot better than the bypass. Every option has its pros and cons. But from what I read about the sleeve I don't really see any big cons. Except that I would have to wait like 2 yrs till getting preggers. Which sucks!!! But i'm willing to be a good girl and wait if it means having a healthy pregnancy and baby.

I'm not 100% sure about it just yet. I have the information seminar (take 2) tonight where I'll get more info and we'll see. At this point you guys, its not so much what I do just that I am able to do something. Please please God let my insurance cover me. I understand it may be a long road full of hoops I have to jump through and appeals but I am ready willing and able to take these on. Please God let me do this. Give me this chance. I need this. I wasn't ready a year ago but I'm finally ready now.

*Please please please*

They put the C-O in PCOS

Its official. I have cysts on my ovaries. :/

Today I had an ultrasound and i'm here thinking oh fun put some gel on my tummy, no problem. Nope. This bitch (i hate this lady, she has horrible bedside manner) was like this ultrasound is done vaginally. WHAAA?!?! not pleasant folks. She pushed and probed and she hit this spot that hurt. Like there was something there. And she said "oh there's a cyst there, i can't see your left ovary" i started crying because i thought..omg its a tumor or something. I was thinking, take it out. I really didn't like that feeling. All I could think was "please God let me be able to have children. I'll do anything you want to be able to have a healthy baby. I'll get the bypass, whatever you want." I really would do anything to have a healthy baby. I want a baby more than anything.

But my doctor brought me into his office and told me they were small cysts and not serious. Comes along with having PCOS.

And now for something bigger than me...Zach Anner

I just came across this guy and I totally love him.

Apparently Oprah's having a contest or something to see who will replace her and this lovely young man sent in a tape that was really really funny.



And his video has really caught on!! He's gotten over 2 million votes!!! Here's his reaction and his thank you video. I mean..he is amazing you guys.



So please go vote!

*update* his latest video...him training for the marathon, as always in good spirits and with lots of humor. you just have to love this guy.

Just My Size Yoga

I never had luck with yoga because I couldn't do most of the moves because of my weight. But I want to get into yoga because it will help with flexibility which I think will be an asset to me when I become pregnant and give birth. So I looked online to see if there was yoga for heavier people and I found this DVD called JUST MY SIZE YOGA. Lucky for me they had it on netflix so I was able to rent it instead of buying it.



I just did it now for the first time. I love how beginner it is and how gentle it is. I was able to do some of it and found that even low impact stuff like that can be a work out. If you already do yoga you might think this dvd is too easy for you. But frankly I found some of it challenging. There are some moves I just can't do. My thighs are huge and so is my gut and there's just no way i can get my knee up close. Most of my weight is up front for me. And the stuff with me on all 4's, though its easy enough, I just can't be on my knees that long. It hurts. The woman doing the video is plus size but she seems to be in shape. I'm just fat. There are just some things I can't do. Which sucks I have to say. Because I want to do them. I'll try to stick to the moves I can do. Maybe with time I'll become more flexible. I figure if my ass can't bring myself to the gym I can at least try to do a little yoga.

Thoughts of a fat person

I used to feel like a fat person on the outside but a skinny person on the inside. I don't remember how long ago that was. But I haven't felt that way in a long time. I feel like a fat person through and through. Somewhere in the last 5 yrs I started to love myself. When I felt like a skinny person inside I hated myself. But I don't hate myself now. I've learned to love my curves. Big girls are sexy, especially when they know how to work it. Its all about confidence. I'm happy that I don't look at myself in disgust when I look in the mirror. I mean there are some angles where I'm displeased, like my face from the side, or the way I look when I sit down. Oof, you just can't hide that. lol. But I've learned to accept what I look like. I don't cringe at pictures anymore or refuse to let people post certain pics of me. Because its no secret I'm fat. Thats what I had to realize. Everyone at the party saw you looking like that, you're not fooling anyone with camera angles. lol. I wonder how I will deal (if i can get this surgery) when I lose weight.

I see many people who are worse off than me and deserve it more than me. I always have a problem feeling too sorry for myself or wining too much about my situation because I've always had it ok. There are so many people in this world so much worse off than me (financially, health wise, etc). Sometimes I have a hard time realizing that just because my situation isn't as bad as others doesn't mean it doesn't have worth. I definitely think I've paid my dues as far as this health stuff is concerned.

I know that losing the weight finally will bring lots of psychological things up for sure. For sure. Things will change big time.

On another note....I hear alot about people who have lost or are losing lots of weight but what is maintaining like? Are there people out there who've been able to maintain the weight after they reached their goal? My biggest fear is to have gone through everything and then gaining it back.

I'm not really religious but...

I was watching the movie Legion tonight. Its a thriller and I love thrillers. Its about angels who come from heaven, with orders from God, to kill this baby. This baby is mankind's last hope. And Michael, an angel who disagrees with this order, comes down to save mankind. Anyway great thriller. But while I was watching it Michael gives this little speech about why he still has hope in mankind and some of the things he said just struck a chord with me.

"And yet, in the midst of all this darkness, I see some people who will not be bowed. I see some people who will not give up, even when they know all hope is lost. Some people, who realize being lost is so close to being found."

This really hit home with me because I have been feeling so lost since I found out my insurance doesn't cover this surgery. I don't know if I have ever felt this lost. I have felt hopeless before. Maybe I'm dramatic but I've felt it before so thats nothing new. But I don't think I've ever felt so lost. Like...ok..what am I supposed to do now? But I have a sliver of hope, and I will exhaust it until I'm told over and over point blank "insurance absolutely will not cover this no matter what you say. the answer is no". Until then I'll just keep trying. And if it doesn't happen then something else is supposed to happen. Something more important. Sometimes things don't make sense. There's a bigger picture that you can't see. I really do believe that. Maybe I've seen too many movies. You've gotten to where you are in life for a reason. You're supposed to be here for a reason. There's a purpose. I haven't figured it out yet. But I'm open to it.

....sigh...its not looking good...

Remember the other day when I woke up at peace because I knew this is what I wanted to do?

Well....that peace is gone now.

Last night I looked up my insurance plan and found out that they don't cover any weight loss surgery or non surgery procedures or plans.

*steps on a soapbox doing her best Kanye impression* UNITED HEALTHCARE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT FAT PEOPLE!

I went to bed feeling hopeless and lost. If this wasn't meant to be then what will I do now? I'm so lost and confused.

I woke up this morning to go meet this new primary doctor I picked out. On my way there I called my insurance just to make sure. They said it wasn't covered. I asked if it was United or just my particular plan. She said they normally don't cover weight loss stuff BUT if the doctor made a case for me and said it was medically necessary they might make an exception. Basically she gave me an inkling of hope. I'll take it!!

So I went in for my doctor apt. Got blood work, pee test, yadda yadda. She asks me, why are you here? I said I need a new primary and I want Lap Band surgery and I don't know if I need a primary to help me get approved. She was cool and she agreed that I should get surgery. She said look, just write up a letter saying all the diff ways you've tried to lose weight (she told me I should exaggerate but honestly i don't need to lol) and I'll sign it. So that was cool. She gave me a list of specialist in the area and circled one of the surgeons on the list and said he does gastric bypass but call and see if he does lap band. Whatever you want to get, its your decision. Which of course I appreciated. And it turns out the guy she circled is one of the guys from the info session I went to yesterday. So its a good sign because now I know the guy I wanted was recommended by another doctor.

On my way home I got a call from the surgeon's office. I had left them a message earlier. She apologized about the information seminar, she said it took place in another location. She said there was another one next Thursday at the Hospital by my place. I was like ok sign me up. I asked if there was any way i could have a consultation with a surgeon before then but she said the seminars were mandatory so I was like ok i'll just wait. Ugh I hate that I have to wait another week! But its better than waiting another month. I also told her the situation with the insurance. She told me that she's seen this before and they usually end up not covering the surgery. But I figure, what do I have to lose? Its worth a shot.

So where am I right now? Don't know. I mean...look, if insurance doesn't cover it, it just isn't gonna happen. Last night I was so lost. It makes so much sense...get the band...finally lose the weight..be healthy and have a healthy pregnancy. But if that doesn't happen what do I do? I mean honestly....what? I don't know....I guess I'll just try for a baby. But I don't want that to be my plan b, my afterthought. I want to get pregnant when its my main goal. sigh...

Now i'm gonna relax and watch some Real Housewives of New York DRAMA. Ahh life's guilty pleasures.

UGH I'M SOOOO PISSED!!!

Man I've been waiting 2 weeks (felt like months to me) to get to this info session today. So I'm sooooo excited right? Finally its an hour before and I'm rushing, i mean RUSHING, my husband out the door because its at 7pm and i know there's traffic everywhere. So I'll admit I'm really obnoxious when I'm in a hurry for something. I have this thing about being punctual. So I'm freaking out with the traffic. I finally make it there like 5 min before 7pm. Great. I get to the address and its this office park and I don't know which building it is. So I call the number from the website and i get the after hours emergency line or whatever. This lady doesn't know shit. I'm like...I'm coming for the information session for the weight loss surgery and she's like "umm.....are you saying you're going to the office?" i'm like..am i speaking japanese here? So then she tells me "they're not at the office. it says here they leave at 5pm." I was like, this dumb bitch is trying my patience. I was like ok do you know if this is the right address and she says yes and then I say do you know which building? And she's like no, I'm not located at this office, I can give you the suite number though. Useless. So I figure it out on my own, I see the doctors name on the door and it says H.O.P.E. center for bariatric surgery. Perfect. I go to open the door and its locked. LOCKED!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!! There's no signs about any meeting, and of course there's only one number to call and its the after hours idiot i just spoke to.

I got on my phone and went to the site and looked for info session and it says in black and white JUNE 10TH 2010. It doesn't say anything about it being at another office or that you have to sign up for it before hand. It says anyone is welcome. Ugh I'M SOOOO PISSED. Not only did they waste my time, my husband was in a bad mood because I pushed him out the door and now i felt like an asshole. But above all that I'm really upset because I HATE to wait. This is gonna be a long process and I can't afford to waste time on these first stages. GRRR. The next information session is July 10th. Fuck that. I mean who runs this damn website? This is fucking clown shoes. GRRR. I guess I'll call and ask for a consultation.

At least one thing I can be happy about is all the awesome information you guys are giving me. It helps so much to be pointed in the right direction. And as per Kim's advice I will call tomorrow and get the code for lap band and call my insurance company. I pray they cover it. omg. please god let them cover it.

Thanks for your comments you guys. I appreciate it so much. My husband is very blah about the whole thing. I mean he's there for me but he's not exactly a cheerleader. And I haven't told anyone else about it. So it means a lot to me to have you guys cheering me along. Especially with these set backs which I'm sure there will me lots more of along this journey.

woah woah woah....

ok....from what i'm reading it sounds like the surgeon puts the band in but you have to find your own doctor to do the fills? is that right??


For those of you who were able to have insurance cover the lap band thing, did they cover everything, how much did you actually pay out of pocket??

What kind of doctors do the fills? How much is that co-pay i wonder. Is that like a specialist co-pay? hmmm...so many questions.

Tonight is the information session at the weight loss center so hopefully I'll get all the info I need there. I'm so excited! I wonder how I get the ball rolling. Do I sign up at the info session? Do I have to wait for my insurance to approve me? hmm... i sure hope they do because honestly if they don't i can't do this. I can't find work so its only my husband working and we're in the process of buying a house so we don't have money for this if we have to do it on our own.

Anyway on another note last night my husband busted out with "what do you think about the name Lexi?". I thought this was SO cute because I'm always the one saying "what do you think about this name? what do you think about that name?" and he humors me but he always says no to my names. But this time he brought it up! He even came up with a name. But i was like...nah. so then he goes..."what about Tessela?" and you know, i don't wanna be like "ugh NO" because he's being so cute I didn't want to discourage him. But gosh I think its the cutest thing in the world!! This is the man that wasn't interested in having kids. But little by little I see him looking forward to it. :) I was a bit surprised that he brought it up though since I told him we'd have to wait another year because of the lap band. But I never get tired of baby talk so I welcome it, :) Maybe this year will give him more time to prepare himself for children.

I wish blogger was more like Livejournal

With livejournal your click on your "friends" page and you see all the latest blog entries from everyone you follow. Thats the one thing I miss. I guess Blogger is set up just to be a blog, not to be a social network of sorts. But really I think they should make some changes. Because it really is a mission and a half to try to keep up with everyone's blog and google reader just doesn't cut it for me.

just my 2 cents.

Feeling good- thanks to you!

So I woke up this morning feeling so good. I had dreams that everyone I met was in the banding process. They weren't thin, they were in the process of getting thin and everyone was so understanding and helpful. Guess that has something to do with this blog world :)

Yesterday when I came back from the doctor I was very emotional, shaken, anxious, worried. But this morning I woke up so at peace with my decision. Sure I may not lose as much weight as fast as I would with gastric bypass but thats ok. I know I can do the work. I know what works for making me lose weight and if I have that help from the band I can do it. I know I can! Now its just a matter of sticking to my guns because I will admit I'm a bit of a pushover. I'm the highly suggestible type. But deep down I know what I want and what makes me uncomfortable.

I just want to thank all you ladies who are following me....HOLY CRAP!!! there weren't this many last night! WOW! thank you guys! And Drazil especially. You guys, all your stories are helping me so much and I'm so grateful that there are so many women on here going through the same thing. I should warn you that I haven't quite figured out how to keep track of all the blogs. So please don't hate me if I don't leave comments on all your blogs. But I am slowly going through them. Its overwhelming, there's so many of you out there. But if anyone wants to reach me, please feel free to email me.

also, i live in Miami.

A question for the Banders

Since i have some more followers now I wanted to ask you guys 2 things.


1. Whats your opinion on Lap Band vs Realize band?


and

2. All those needles you have to get stuck with for the surgery and the fills, do they hurt? because i'm a bit squeamish and giving blood makes me nervous. I know its just a prick but i'm always afraid it will hurt more than it does. I think i have a fear of needles, especially long ones because in my experiences the long ones HURT. i'm getting teary just thinking about it. i have a real fear of pain. especially when it comes to doctors. i have had some BAD experiences i the past. Has anyone had issues with all the needles?

I need to talk to real people

Its important for me right now to find real people I can talk to who've had Lap Band or gastric bypass. I need to hear the real deal from real people. Because looking online and finding forums and what doctors say, it seems subjective; everyone contradicting each other.

Some of the lap band bloggers are in south florida. Gosh it would be so amazing to find someone down here I could talk to. A friend. Someone to talk me through it. Someone to lean on. I'm having a really hard time finding this.

What the doctor said...

Ok so I have a lot to tell you. Here it goes.

What he said about pregnancy:

He said "i would prefer you weighed less but thats ok. i have patients who are your size who get pregnant all the time." Which I really appreciated. He didn't make me feel like I wasn't worthy of children because of my size. He was very gung ho about starting the ball rolling on all the tests he wanted to do. Many were tests that all pregnant women would benefit from but don't always do, but others were PCOS related to see where I was with certain things. Also they wanted to test Ed's sperm to see if there's anything we need to worry about on that end. He also told me he would have me taken Metformin for the entirety of my pregnancy and also put me on Chlomid. I've read about many women with PCOS taking both metformin and chlomid to get pregnant so I was waiting for him to bring that up. It was pretty exciting but also a little scary because it wasn't like i thought it would be. I thought it would be "ok start taking prenatal vitamins, take this chlomid and continue the metformin and you guys can start trying" but it wasn't. It sounded like off the bat we were gonna do all these interventions. I'm thinking, woah i don't wanna get preggers right away. lol. of course in my mind i think if i have unprotected sex just once i'll get knocked up. lol.

So this was cool. Good reaction. But then I told him about the lap band.

His response to that was:

He was really happy to hear that I wanted to go the route of weight loss surgery. He was almost relieved. He said people my size just can't lose a lot of weight without some kind of surgery. He thinks i'm a great candidate and highly recommends I do it. He said of course this would delay the baby thing. We couldn't even start the process for another year. And while thats heartbreaking to me (and i know i will suffer with that as time goes on) I was anticipating that. But he says it will be a huge improvement for my health and stuff. And although I'm dying to get preggers, I want to do it right. I want to be as healthy as possible for me and for the baby and just so i can keep up after its born. Its time. It will be worth the wait.

The only thing that kind of bothered me was that he was pushing gastric bypass (and the gastric sleeve) pretty hard. He totally dismissed the lap band saying people with lap band don't have much success. I disagree. Of the research i've done I just feel more comfortable with the lap band. And in the end its MY choice. As far as i'm concerned, doing the lap band is better than doing nothing.

so thats that. i gave a lot of blood because they started the testing. i have to go in next week to do an ultrasound (yay i can pretend i'm preggers lol) and a culture (pap) which i'm less than thrilled about but fuck it. Lets get it over with. I think its a bit weird...i mean...whats my gyno for then?

anyway they took about 4 viles of blood from me. when i came home i was weak and very emotional. i can't really understand the root of these overwhelming emotions. i know its fear for lots of things. what if something happens to me and its because i was selfish and wanted to do this elective surgery? but my biggest fears are #1. this is gonna be so hard. what if there's things i'll never be able to eat again? that is a huge fear. i have a huge fear of commitment. and then #2. and this one is a biggie, what if i gain the weight back? i mean how much of a failure will i be at life??

Thats why I keep turning to the lap band. Because it gives me enough freedom so that I don't feel like I'm trapped.

Anyway I took a nap and i felt weird and drugged. I guess it was the blood? Don't know. I feel better now though.

ahh!!

I'm so excited and nervous!! I've been waiting weeks for this. tomorrow i go see my endocrinologist and tell him two things:

i want to have a baby

and

i want the lap band

and then i'll see what he says. i'm either doing one or the other. we'll see which he recommends. i'm nervous!! i hope it goes well. its a big deal. its the domino that will start my new journey.

thursday ed and i are going to the info session for lap band and friday i have an apt with a new general practitioner because i will need her to recommend me for lap band.

bottom line is this. i want a baby. i would like to do the lap band first. however if it doesn't work out for whatever reason (mainly insurance doesn't cover it) i won't do it right now. but i will have a baby no matter what. if i can't do the lap band now i can always try to do it later. however i feel good about my chances because i def fall into the "morbidly obese" category (though i despise that term) and i have proof of trying to lose weight in the past. i wish i had kept all the receipts for all the money i've spent on things over the years. oof.

anyway thats the plan. i'll let you know what he says tomorrow!! eep! :)

waa waa waa

everyon's pregnant but me. thats how i feel most of the time. lol. when is it gonna be my turn?!! really the only one holding me back is me. its like..when i really want to enjoy something i feel like i have to have everything set up perfect.

example: i'm starving and i come home with food. i make sure i go to the bathroom, change into my pjs, get comfy, find something good on tv and then i eat.

its like dominos. you want to spend hours setting them up because you know when you finally get them going its gonna be amazing and you want to enjoy that as much as possible.

anyway thats me. i want to make sure everything is set up before i start doing the baby thing. but its all coming very soon. i'm gonna see the doctor and then i'll have some more idea whether i'm gonna go for it and get preggers or if i'm gonna move forward with the lap band thing first. i'm looking forward to it. either way i'm very excited. i just can't wait to find out which it will be and get the ball rolling.

My 30th Bday

My party went great. It was not as great as I had hoped because there weren't many people, people didn't dance as much as i'd hoped and i didn't get to play all the music i wanted but people seem to have had fun. They enjoyed the theme. And the cake was a hit!! It was so hot out and all i wanted to drink was water. So I didn't get drunk.

I have TONS of pics and vids but i'm not sure how to share them on here without making this blog entry super long.

lets see if this works....

click on this to see the pics and vids

Started prenatal vitamins

I know its just a multivitamin but in my head this seems like a huge deal and a big step and i'm so excited! :) :) :)