Time to start taking before pictures

The time has come to start taking as many pictures of myself as possible. I'm talking about from every angle, in bra and panties, in nothing, I'm talking about serious photo journalism here folks. I want to have as many pictures of this as possible because guess what? I'm never gonna be here again!!! Isn't that a trip? Wow. :)

I'm having surgery in 2 weeks!!!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!

OMG YOU GUYS!!!


Its official!! Surgery is on the 17th of august! I start my pre op liquid diet NEXT WEEK!! ahhh!!! crazy! Omg I'm gonna be such a miserable bitch! lol. My poor husband. I really hope I get my period in the next 2 weeks. The last thing I'm gonna wanna do when I'm sore from surgery is attempt to put on a tampon.

So yeah I will be posting frequently in the next 2 weeks I'm sure. To an annoying degree. Because I don't plan on going anywhere. lol. Don't wanna be tempted by real food. Gonna start getting rid of food in my pantry.

AHHH!!! OMG!! 2 WEEKS!! EEEEK!!!!

oh and I just wanted to clear something up. I'm not getting the lap band, I'm getting the gastric sleeve. I know some of you were confused. Though procedure is different everything else is the same. So thank you so much for all the comments, support, advice, everything! I love you guys!! ahhh!! :) :) :)

Roller coaster

What a bad time to be going through all these ups and downs. While I'm PMSing. sigh...

Today I have almost cried, felt numb, felt relived, and felt stressed.

I went in for my gastro follow up. It turns out I have lots of H. Pylori (bacteria), and lots of it, in my stomach. Weird that I have no symptoms. And guess what? The treatment isn't fun. I have to take 4 pills twice a day as well as 2 Tbs of Pepto Bismol (that shit makes me gag! i hate it!) four times a day! Oof. All this for 14 days. The icing on the cake? My doc says I might have side effects like diarrhea, nausea, headaches. Great. Oh and I'm supposed to stay out of the sun. Great! lol. He also told me that after the 14 days he wants to wait 2 weeks after to do a follow up and make sure its all gone. He wants me to wait a month to have the surgery. So this is when I almost started crying in his office. But hey at least it wasn't worse. No hernia. No painful or evasive procedure. Taking pills isn't that bad.

So I'm driving away and I'm numb. Like its all over. All I've worked for. Gone.

And to make matters worse there was a stupid glitch with the insurance because my husband's company didn't pay on time so its showing that we have no insurance. So on top of AAAALLL the dr. apt co-pays we've been paying for ($40-$80 for almost all dr. apts) I had to pay $125 for this apt because the website says we have no insurance. Even though we do! They just haven't updated the website yet. So now I'm freaking out because I have 3 prescriptions to fill and if they don't see the insurance coverage God knows how much they'll cost. So unfortunately I'm taking it all out on my poor husband because his stupid job is fucking everything up. (PMSing!)

So I drop off the prescriptions and go home. I get into some comfy clothes and try to relax. relax mel, its not a big deal. I mean initially I had wanted to have surgery at the end of august or early sept anyway. Plus at this point I felt kind of relieved. Like I would be able to just have a break and stop rushing.

But then I get a call from my surgeon's office. They got the report from the gastro guy. I figured they're calling to push my date back. But no, they just say "just take the pills for 2 weeks as directed and you can still have the surgery by the 17th". So while I should be super ecstatic. I'm just a little raw from all the ups and downs. I was relieved but now I'm back on the roller coaster. I'm gonna look at it this way. I can relax during the pre op diet. I'm gonna be miserable drinking only liquids so I should rest and nap as much as possible.

Breakdown

Yesterday I broke down and bought cookies. I think I'm PMSing. I was in the store and I wanted something very specific. But I only wanted 1 cookie. Of course nothing in the store is 1 cookie. So I looked and looked...(by the way wanting one specific food and nothing else is a sure sign of emotional eating)...then as I was about to leave, I found it!! You guys have all had girl scout cookies right? Well I don't know what they're called now but they used to be called Samoas. The ones with coconut, caramel and chocolate? Well I found them! Keebler makes them now! Ha! Take that girl scouts! lol. So I struggled with this but I did buy them.

However, when I got home I had this glorious watermelon smoothie

(plain yogurt, watermelon, 2 splenda packets)

Omg so yum and refreshing, especially on such a hot day like today.

And these homemade taquitos. Super simple. I make my own refried beans (also super simple) and I spread a little on some corn tortillas, spread a little shredded cheese, a dash of taco sauce and nuked each one in the microwave for 1 min then took them out, rolled them up and let them sit for a minute andmmm yum!!!! sooo good!

I have a real hard on for corn tortillas lately (thanks to erika)

Anyway this stuff hit the spot and filled me up so well that I didn't even want or have room for the cookies. I took them out of the package and split them up into several baggies. I put 2 in each baggie and spread them around in hidden spots. That way if I have a moment of "I NEED IT RIGHT NOW" then I can go looking for them and only find a small portion and I won't overeat them. Otherwise, out of site out of mind. I think I just felt better knowing I had them there.

I was so emotional yesterday. I've been busting my ass these past few weeks to get everything done in time and now people are dragging their feet. They're not turning in the results to my surgeon. People just don't care and it really got to me yesterday. Plus I've been poked and prodded and squeezed so many godddamn times. I'm just getting overwhelmed. I need a break. I've been going non stop. I mean I'll have like 2 dr. appts in one day sometimes. Or I'll have to take someone to the airport, then go meet a friend to get haircuts, then have a sleep study that night. Things like that. And even on the weekend I end up having to do a bunch of stuff. I have gone to the airport 4 times this week alone! Enough! Damn. I need a break! I totally broke down yesterday.

I hope I get my period soon though. I want to get it before surgery. Though at this point I wouldn't mind moving the surgery back another week because I just need a break.

Yesterday I had 2 dr. apts then I had to pick up my parents from the airport. Today I have a dr. apt for the endoscopy results, then I have another sleep study today with the CPAP. I'm hoping at least tonight I'll get a good nights sleep using that machine and maybe I won't be so worn out.

The lure of the Mcbreakfast

Whenever I'm out really early I always have the urge to get Mcdonalds breakfast. Its such a rare thing to be up early enough for it. So today when I was driving home from dropping my aunt off at the airport (5:30am) and saw a line at the drive thru I was tempted. But it was just a mental thing. I'm soooo conditioned by Mcdonalds. Really, its a life long conditioning. Even if I don't really want it, my brain says I should get it. And the smells, forget it. Its all chemicals they put in there to make you addicted.

So I fought it. How you ask? Well I just remembered that the last four or 5 times I had gotten Mcdonalds breakfast it was very very disappointing. The sausage mcmuffin is so greasy and the hash browns weren't even cooked all the way last time. They weren't crispy at all. Gross. I remember feeling after each time that this was so not worth it. But even now while i'm at home eating something else...just talking about mcdonalds breakfast makes me want it! Its insane! My brain is totally wired for it. I hate that. Well my brain can think about it as long as the rest of me doesn't listen to it. lol.

Am I the only one who's motto is "the only thing good about being up this early is Mcdonalds breakfast"?

ps. i was gonna post a pic of hashbrowns or something but that wouldn't be helpful for any of us.

Making lemons into blueberry lemonade

Today was a STRESSFUL day. I got sucked into someone else's crap and basically had my sunday hijacked. As I was coming home around 9:30pm I said to my husband "Man, I need a stiff one. I either need a large slurpee or a tall glass of soda." And he said "well we have soda at home." and I said "no I can't." He was like "its coke zero." I said no I can't have carbonated drinks after my surgery (i don't even have a surgery date yet but i haven't had soda in a month)". And he's like...ok...well...how bout tonight? and i said "no, i have to learn to deal with this feeling now and soothe myself another way."

So I came home and took a cold shower and drank some water with my new favorite crystal light flavor Bluberry Lemonade and I felt MUCH better :) I'm a lot more conscious of my emotional triggers these days. So glad I started reading "50 Ways To Soothe Yourself Without Food" before surgery so that I can start working on the mental part even before the physical part begins.

It would have been so easy to just drink some soda. But I'm learning that you have to just deal with stuff sometimes. Allow yourself to feel stressed or uncomfortable or upset. Don't be so quick to mute that feeling. Let it fade away naturally in its own time. For someone who's all about instant gratification this is a challenge. But I'm ready to take it on. :)

Just wanted to share that!

On another note....

I don't know if its because I've been eating less/better foods, or because I haven't been taking Metformin, or because I've been running around ALL week, and I know the 2 days of only mushy foods didn't hurt, but I have been losing about a pound a week for the last month. I haven't been working out at all. But I'm guessing its a combination of the above mentioned things. Its pretty radtacular. The scale hasn't moved down in 6 months (since i lost 20lbs) and its nice to see it moving now. My goal is to be down 30lbs from my highest weight (already down 24lbs) by my surgery date. I'm more than confident I can do it, especially with 2 weeks of liquids. That'll be a breeze.

Endoscopy

This morning was my endoscopy. It was the most pleasant medical procedure I ever had! lol.

I got there, signed in, waited about 10 min then they called me into a prep room. They had me sign some papers then I got down to my underwear and socks and put on a lovely plus size gown that actually fit me! And then I laid down on this hospital bed which they lowered for me so I could easy get in it. Then they (about 4 of the nicest nurses I ever met) explained things to me while one put an IV in my hand. I was scared but it didn't hurt! It was easier than drawing blood. Then they joked around with me and talked about this and that. They even let me pick what kind of music I wanted to have on in the exam room! LOL. its funny because I was barely awake in that room. But they did their very best to see that I was well taken care of. Then I was wheeled around the hospital from the prep room to the exam room. That was so fun! I wasn't nervous. I was excited. lol. I couldn't wait to get that sweet sweet sleep juice. lol. Then when I got into the room they put some stuff in my IV that was supposed to make me dry. Felt a little uncomfortable going in my hand.

Then the anesthesiologist walked in. He was huffing and puffing because he wanted the injection (to make me dry) to happen sooner so he could do the anesthesia. He was being pretty unprofessional, snapping at the nurses, having a fit like a child. Then the doctor walked in and he was like hi yeah ok and then walked out. Lol. Before I knew it the anesthesiologist was like ok you're gonna sleep soon. Then I felt woozy and waved by to the nurse. Next thing I knew they were waking me up because they were done!!! Imagine that! Lol!

Then they wheeled me into the recovery room and told me they found gastritis and a hernia. Which is weird because I never had any symptoms. I really hope this doesn't hurt my chances for surgery. I have a follow up scheduled for next week so we'll see. Then they explained to me that I should eat soft foods for the next 2 days. They let me rest a big till I was ready to get dressed and they gave me a bunch of pamphlets on the stuff I had (gastritis, etc) and some paperwork along with a thank you note from the nurses. Then the nurse said gave me a hug and said "I wish you were having your surgery here with us". Awwwww. Yes this is South Miami Hospital. If my insurance covered it I would totally have my surgery there.

So thats it. The whole thing was a breeze. The nurses (unlike the doctors who were always in a rush) were really caring. Nurses are angels. The only thing that kinda sucked was that I wasn't prepared (mentally or grocery wise) to only eat soft foods for 2 days. :/ I stopped at the store and got jello, mashed potatoes, pudding, all that jazz. This sucks. If I can't hack 2 days how will I be able to hack the 2 weeks before surgery! lol. Oh boy. Also my throat was like, raw. Its getting better now though. I stopped talking and gargled with warm water and salt. I have to say all in all this was way more pleasant than the sleep study. lol.

Support Group Meeting #1

ok thats a crude rendering of what it looked like. There were people sitting against both walls. Unbeknownst to me the theme of the meeting was fitness. People were encouraged to wear gym clothes. Well I'm not in the loop so I didn't even know they had themes. I just thought people sat around in circles like at AA meetings on tv and talked about their experiences. I didn't know it was like walking into a special club uninvited. Boy were these people clique-y. Also, most of them were RNY patients who, if you don't already know, think they're better than everyone else. The whole meeting revolved around gastric bypass. There were only 3 other ppl in there that had the sleeve and only 1 girl who had the lap band. So they made us work out, which i REALLY didn't want to do because i had no idea. I was not dressed for it nor was I in the mood. But I did it anyway. Most of it. Then they FINALLY got to the question and answer portion. So much about dumping. I'm like ok but not all of us are gastric bypass patients.

I'm going to preface this next portion of the story by saying that my Dr. is associated with 3 hospitals. One of them being South Miami Hospital (where the meeting was being held). I'm having it at another hospital (Hialeah Hospital) because its $5,000 cheaper and I am self pay. Now, I will admit South Miami has a wonderful program with care both pre and post op. I'm sure why they're so expensive. However Hialeah Hospital has won awards for their bariatric dept, its just a smaller hospital. So its not like I'm going to some slum hospital to save a few bucks.

That said, my doctor is still associated with SM hospital and they're the ones who told me to go to this meeting. Also most of the people at the meeting had surgery with the doctor I originally attended the info seminar for. I didn't go with him because he was too expensive (because he only worked out of 2 expensive hospitals).

So when I asked the dietitian a question, she said "don't worry i'll tell you more about it when i have you in my class. You're taking my class right?" to which I responded "oh i'm not having surgery at SM hospital". It was like one of those movies when someone walks into a biker bar and the record scratches. My friend Jenny who went with me said she heard actual groans. I was like pariah. I noticed one of the ladies across from me has my same doctor (I never said his name throughout the meeting though I wish I would have). So after the meeting I went up to her and said "are you the one who said you had Dr. Whittwell?" and she looked at me and with no expression she said "yes". But it was as if she wanted nothing to do with me. I said "cool, did you like him?" Yes he's a nice man. "what surgery did you get?" and she said she got the sleeve. so i'm thinking oh cool she's just like me! I asked her how it went and she said she was 3 wks out and had lost 22lbs. I was like cool but how was the surgery? Any complications? And she said no. It was like pulling teeth with her. Normally people are more than happy to share their experiences. I asked her if she had a drain, she said no. I was like oh thats good to hear. and she said "of course I had my surgery here at SM." I was like...oh well, its $10,000 if I go to HH and i'm self pay. And she says "yeah, i was too". Wow. Like are you really judging me for not having my surgery here? WHAT A SNOB! geez! fuck you then!

That wasn't the worst thing! As I was talking to the very nice Nurse Manager this RNY guy (of course) comes up to me and gets in this confrontational stance with his legs spread out and his arms crossed and says to me "let me ask you something, why aren't you having your surgery here?" It didn't sound like a question, it sounded like a demand for an explanation. I explained my point to yet another person. He says "you should go someplace that has programs like this in place to help you after surgery" and I get where he's coming from. But I told him my doctor does a year of follow up and I wanted to continue coming to these support groups IF I'M WELCOME HERE. Because honestly you guys, it was like he was telling me to get out of his domain or something. So then he goes "well...i'm sure you're welcome here". He didn't say, of course you're welcome here. I mean WTF??? Why should i have to explain myself?? The other lady who had my doctor was welcome but I'm not? Give me a fucking break.

Ughh.....man these people are so cliquey! I'm gonna have a talk with my surgeon's office about this. But I do wanna go back because next month the theme is eating after surgery so I def wanna go. Do you guys have any support group horror stories? I remember reading some of them a couple of months ago. Man those RNYers are stuck up.

The Morning After

That 6am wake up call couldn't come soon enough for me. The room was like a vault. No way of telling what time it was. I layed there thinking oh please please wake me up, i want to leave!

SOooo uncomfortable. But I think I handled it like a trooper. I have goop all over my head and face. I need a shower. On my way home I was starving and SO tempted (especially after the night I had) to get Mcdonalds breakfast. I knew I was trying to soothe myself with food but I was actually quite hungry. Lucky for me there was an Eintstein Bros Bagels open by my place and I got an egg and cheese bagel. I splurged and got a strawberry white chocolate muffin too. Only because this is the only place I know that has it and I never get to come here. So hunger satisfied and I'm proud of myself for not going to mcdonalds. Perhaps there wasn't too much diff calorie wise but the eggs tasted fresh (they were scrambled) and the bagel was soft and I didn't feel gross afterwards. It wasn't greasy like Mcdonalds breakfast. So I'm happy. I'm saving the muffin for later.

When I came home i had 2 bags and a pillow in my hands (not easy to carry) and I just want to get inside and relax but my husband double locked the door. I cannot express to you how much this pisses me off. There's NO purpose in doing this. We live in a condo in a beautiful building. Regular lock is perfectly fine. He's such a weirdo. When he double locks it that means I spend like 5 min at the stupid door when I'm tired and have my hands full trying to open the damn door. He's done this to me many times. Its so infuruating. I've told him over and over DON'T DO THAT. But he's retarded when it comes to that. He sometimes locks the bedroom door. We live alone. Geez his mom messed him up. I feel like I have to attach electrodes to the door so he'll learn not to double lock it. sheesh. I have to give him credit though. He did rinse the stuff in the sink and put it in the dishwasher. thanks babe.

It sucks that I'll most likely have to go back for another night when I get a cpap. But what can I do? Lets just get it over with. It helps that the guys running it are 2 young cute guys with tattoos. lol.

*edit*
they gave me the wrong muffin!! grr!! i keep getting screwed. i have to learn to thoroughly check my food before i take something to go.

Sleep Study

doing my sleep study tonight. gotta sleep with clothes on, no finger sucking, and trying really hard not to fart in my sleep as there's a camera and audio device recording my every move. once I get hookked up I'm sure I'll be uncomfortable. but at least the bed is nice, I have my pillow, its cold in here, I have a tv. so we'll see.

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Vitamin E

My cousin, who lost like 60lbs using Xenical like 10yrs ago and has managed to keep it off, was telling me that he didn't have any plastic surgery to fix hanging skin. Of course he was a teenager when he lost the weight. He told me to use plenty of vitamin E.

I don't want to take pills because I'm already on Metformin and Vitamin D. Plus I'm gonna have to be taking a multi vitamin, vitamin B12, something for my gallbladder and whatever else they put me on. So I don't need to worry about taking another pill. So I found this. You can apply it to your skin directly or you can put it in your drink. I think thats pretty doable. I want to take as much care of my skin as possible.

Has anyone taken vitamin E? Does it work? Also I'm looking for something I can take for stronger hair and nails. Any suggestions?

New Haircut

Got a new haircut yesterday. It was getting too long and blah. Plus I wanted something really low maintenance for the upcoming months. Whaddaya think?

Pure Protein Whey Shot

I was at Target today and bought a couple of supplies for the pre op liquid diet.

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Has anyone tried these? I got 2 of these today. Zero sugar, no fat, 110 calories, 0g fiber, 1g carbs, 25g protein. wow how do they do it? It looks like a clear juice, not grainy looking at all. Its grape flavor. I can't imagine they taste good.



I also got these. I hope they taste ok.

I also went to GNC but I didn't find any sample sizes. Only huge tubs. I'm gonna buy the sample pack from Unjury online.

Anyone tried any of these? Did you like them? Any suggestions on good tasting protein powders?

Ninja Master Prep

I was hearing a lot about The Magic Bullet and I wanted to get one but while searching the forums at obesityhelp.com I found some stuff about the Ninja Master Prep. Everyone seems to LOVE this thing. I've always been searching for a blender or something that crushes ice really well. This one boasts that it turns ice into snow. My blender is ok but its big and i want something smaller and easier. Something that will chop/dice, pureee, blend etc. Plus I can make slushies with this. Mmmmm. I will probably be living off this stuff (liquids, purees, mushies) for about 2 months. Its like $50 or $60 on the website but I found it at Target for $39.99. Has anyone tried it? I def wanna get it.

Kashi Go Lean Crisp

I'm still eating normally, not on my pre op diet yet, but i've been paying attention to what I put in my mouth. Anyway I found this cereal and I like it so I wanted to share it. I don't know if its something you'd wanna eat after surgery. Not sure of the rules yet, can you eat cereal?

For those of you who can eat cereal check it out. I don't like milk but I drink the milk after I eat this cereal. Its sweet and smells good. I add raisins for a bit more sweetness. Here's a tip, let it soak up the milk. It tastes better when its a little soggy. Otherwise it tastes like a protein bar. Anyway check it out. Its got 9g of protein and 8g of fiber.

Ketosis

Did ant of you guys suffer from bad breath or BO when after surgery? I hear when you go through ketosis bad breath is a side effect.

hmmm....

I've been losing weight lately. I'm not sure if its the way I'm eating (more mindfully, smaller portions, less carbs, less sugars), or because I've stopped taking my Metformin. I stopped taking it because I've been having early morning dr. apts and the Metformin makes me have to go to the bathroom a lot in the mornings. I didn't wanna get stuck having to go while on my way somewhere. So I haven't really been taking it. Metformin has helped me maintain my 20lb weight loss from last year. But I wonder if not taking it anymore is having any effect on my weight.


meanwhile i'm loving the feeling of feeling smaller and seeing the scale move. and i'm not even on a pre-op diet yet! so i can't wait to get surgery!! w00t w00t!

The View talks about Lap Band

First of all I want to thank all of you guys for your support and your kind words about me telling my parents and on the post about my sister. I really appreciate it. And I have to admit it was all very pleasant. My sister behaved well and didn't start anything with me. *shock* I even responded to something she said in conversation and she looked at me and responded back like a normal person. It was a big improvement. No fights, no incident, nothing. So I have to give her credit for that. She's getting better. Thank goodness. And...her new haircut is super cute. lol.

Ok so did anyone see The View on Friday?? I missed it but I caught it on hulu. They totally talked about the Lap Band! What do you guys think? Did this family do a good job of representing the Lap Band? There's this one point where Joy says to the mom "did you try other ways to lose weight before you did this? weight watchers?" OF COURSE SHE TRIED OTHER THINGS TO LOSE WEIGHT YOU ASSHOLE!! thats what I wanted to say. What a freaking judgmental retard. I hate when people judge us because they think we're just trying to take the easy way out.

Anyway here's the episode in question. Tell me what YOU think.

Well I told my parents

I said ok I'll wait till everyone leaves and then i'll tell them. Well once everyone left a new wave of people came. One of them (a friend of my parents) just would not shut up. He went on and on and on talking for hours. Before we new it, it was midnight! I'm like come on man. Give me a break. I have to stay till everyone leaves so I can tell my parents. Well my father fell asleep on the couch while this guy was talking. Lol. FINALLY this guy leaves. So my mom is like ok tell me. So I say go wake up dad I want to talk to both of you. And and I told them. They were very calm about it. No big reaction for or against it. My dad seemed to know a little more about WLS than my mom. But long story short they were totally supportive. Of course my mom was like "you know its also very mental as well". Its just funny when people have these reactions where they don't realize you've been researching this for a long time. They know very little about it (other than maybe someone they know from work had gastric bypass) but they feel like they're telling me something I don't already know. *eye roll* This is why I'm only telling a few people. Because going through the whole speech and convincing them I've fully thought about and committed to this, everytime I tell someone, is a pain in the ass.

The cute part was that my dad was saying that he was interested in getting the lap band. I could tell he was a little bashful about it because he said it a half joking way. I told him hey if you wanna get lap band, do it. I will fully support him. He thinks he's too old. I told him no way! I don't know if he is disciplined enough to change his ways because he's so set in his ways at his age. But I hope that seeing me go through surgery and seeing my results inspires him to seriously consider WLS. I can't wait for my parents to be proud of me. I mean they're always proud of me but this is a big deal. I can't wait to be an example for my family :)


So thats it I told everyone I wanted to tell. I'm all set now :)

mobile blogging

blogging from my phone. bored at my parents house. can't wait till everyone leaves so I can tell them. in the mean time I wanted to share 2 great books I'm reading at the moment. I highly recommend them.

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Going to tell my parents today

I had wished to do this differently but unfortunately my sister is here till aug 25th so i have no choice. I'm going to my parents house because my mom insists on me going to celebrate my sister's bday because she's under the delusion that we're one big happy family. PS. my sister has no idea that i'm coming nor does she care (someone i know asked her already). So fucking pointless. Just going to try to not let her get to me.

She's leaving at night to celebrate her bday with her real friends and go clubbing or whatever. So thats when I'm going to tell my parents. Thats the plan anyway. We'll see how it goes.

Please don't let my mom ruin this by being a bitch about my sister. Her reactions to things have never been good. She's the queen of the shit face and the fake nice reaction. I just really wish my sister wasn't in town. When its just us she's so much more caring. But when my sis is down here my mom is not herself.

anyway...here it goes...i'll let you know how it goes.

ASStastic!

You guys, you guys...ok I just had to share this.

Ok so I've always hated my ass. Because its flat. like a pancake, thanks to my mom's genes. However its huge because of my size. You know what I'm talking about? Its like a big flat tv. lol. terrible. I have like...a shelf at the top of my ass and then it goes flat. Well since losing 20lbs last year the shelf got smaller, thank goodness. So I look less lumpy and its a little more flat. Well whatever I've always hated my ass. Except for when i'm laying on my stomach or bending over where it actually looks nice. (naked pictures much?) lol.

anyway today as i was coming out of the shower and getting dressed i noticed my ass. it felt a tad smaller since i've lost like 5lbs in the last couple of weeks. so i take both hands and pull my ass from the top to see what it'll look like without the shelf weighing it down and making it look like a wrinkled dog. what are those things called? so i pulled and i looked and ahh!! my ass is cute! LOL. i mean yeah its not round BUT its got some meat to it! its nice!! its cute!!! omg i can't wait to have that ass!!!!!! ahhh!! so excited! i'm gonna have a cute butt, i'm gonna have a cute butt! *happy dance* :)


ok i just had to blog that.

Sippy cup! Sippy cup!

I'm just a little too excited by this. why is that?

So since I know sipping water will be a challenge for me because I tend to gulp I went looking for sippy cups. I went to Walgreens and I found more selection than I expected! lol. There was a cute toy story one that was all decorated and such but it was like $6.99. I mean come on. So here's what I ended up with. hee hee!!

For when I'm home sip sip sipping away I'll use these. They're 9 oz each. And look a pack of 2 was only $2.99! :) Plus they had that spout that sticks out pretty far which is what I wanted. I have an oral fixation. (save the dirty jokes ladies)




And for when I'm out and about or traveling with family and don't wanna look too babyish I got this one!



see the spout is way less pronounced on that one. its generic. the only thing i don't like is that it says PLAYTEX across the top (you can't make it out in the pics) which is weird because it makes me think of tampons. lol. now i know that because these only hold 9 oz i'll have to have a water bottle with me as well and refill it. but thats ok with me if this helps with the sipping. at least at first. and plus its fun. i'll have to find a grown up bottle for the protein shakes though.

on another note i wanna share the yummy dinner i made the other night. inspired by my cousin erika. i made shredded chicken (came out perfect!) on corn tortillas with all the fixins. The fixins: lettuce, tomato, corn, black beans, sour cream, taco sauce, cheese. Yum!! so yum and light and flavorful. mmm i just love corn tortillas. this was my first time having them. everyone loved the dinner. :) the next day i had leftovers and thats when i took these pics. i sat and ate with no tv and no internet. just quietly sat and enjoyed my food.




oh oh and get this. today i ate lunch around 5 something today. and around 7 something my friends says wanna go out? i'm hungry. and i was like well....ok. i wasn't hungry but i wanted to get out of the house. normally i would say "i could eat" and eat something anyway. but this time i just sat there with my water while she ordered her food. after a while the smell was getting to me. so i had a piece of pita and dipped it in some sauce. and then i had one, ONE bite of her stuffed cabbage. but i did have a dessert. yes i did. lol. i figured hey, i'm just getting this one thing. so i got some baklava. yes i know its got a million calories in it but i never eat greek so i ate it. and it was yummy. but i was proud of myself for only eating that. :)

GRRR!!!! personal rant

For those of you who don't know my sister and I do not, and have never, gotten along. I have adopted the best coping mechanism for her nastiness and its to avoid her like the plague. Of course my parents force us to be in the same room for some deranged notion of a big happy family. My mom doesn't seem to care how hard it is on me to be around her constant negativity and what can only be described as verbal torture (directed and both me and my father). She's in total denial. My sister is nasty and all she does is pick pick pick on people and say nasty things. She NEVER has anything nice to say, never agrees with anyone. So naturally I wouldn't want someone like that around me on my wedding day (back in 2006). Not that she wasn't invited but that I didn't want to put her in my bridal party. Why would you put someone in your bridal party who treats you like crap? But my mom forced me to do it. Also after having my sister torture me during the meeting with the florist I decided I didn't want her there while I tried on a wedding dress. Especially because I was terribly insecure about being in a wedding dress at my weight (i didn't think i was pretty enough or worthy of a dress like that) and i'm very sensitive. But she wouldn't have that. She said if you don't invite her, i'm not going. And she didn't. She couldn't see how much she was hurting me. She missed a mother/daughter bonding moment that I can never get back and for what?? so that my sister could go to one thing? one thing that was not even about her? I just wanted to tell you that story to show you how my mom's mind works. She's incredibly stubborn to the point where she hurts me with no remorse and sees herself the victim. I understand as a parent you wanting your kids to get along. But if you constantly ignore the wrong doings of one child and subject the other child to pain to do so i think thats WRONG. And I will NEVER do that to my children.

That being said, my mother said my sister was coming in to town. I asked her for how long. She told me a few days or a week or something. I just found out SHE'S STILL IN TOWN. its been 2 weeks!!!! Now i'm pissed. Because she fucking lied to me. And now she wants me to come over to the house on saturday for my sister's bday party? First of all, I know this is my mother inviting me and not my sister. She could give a flying fuck if i'm there. In fact she probably prefers I not be there and so would I . But my mom insists on us all being together, no matter who it hurts. And right now I hate her for that. I hate her because this was gonna be the weekend that I tell them about my surgery. But there's no way in hell I'm telling them with her here. Are you kidding me? She would rip me apart!

Now i find out she's here till august 25th. and i want to cry. this is so unfair. so unfair. she's gonna find some way to make this about her. and its gonna go from my parents supporting me to some fight. and i don't fucking need this. if my mom chooses her over me with this i will stop talking to her. for real. you don't understand. i am VERY sensitive. for some reason i absorb people's bad vibes. and the last thing i need before surgery is someone making me stressed or feel bad or something. i don't need that shit. she's toxic. and when she's around my mom becomes toxic.

when she moved away the 3 of us (me, mom, and dad) got along so well. no fighting. it was great. but she comes back and its constant yelling and fighting. she's an evil person. i wish she would just stay away. either that or get some serious therapy and release the hate. i've never seen anyone treat their immediate family the way she treats us. she's nice to everyone else and she treats us like crap. she has so much hate and resentment in her. i look at her and i think, she wold be so pretty if she wasn't so ugly inside. she needs help. and i refuse to put myself in a position where i get shit on. why would i be around people like that? its bad for my spirit.

you know what sucks though? is no matter how much i bitch she (my mom) always wins. because she guilts me. and UNLIKE MY SISTER i have a conscience. i feel like my mom manipulates that, whether she realizes it or not. of course that doesn't work on my sister because she has no conscience.

ok this was just too damn cute

OMG! Finally A Book for me!!!

What have I been doing wasting my time on regular books all these years? I'm the first to admit I'm not much of a reader. I have a short attention span. This book has all the things i love! It has lots of short paragraphs and bullet points and lots of bold print above each new section. Its brilliant. And its written in a language I can understand. lol. I guess I'm a dummy. I'm gonna get all my books in dummy form from now on. Fantastic. And even though this book is a little outdated with the surgeries and doesn't even talk about the VSG (vertical sleeve gastronomy), I HIGHLY recommend this book. It really simplifies everything and its so thorough. I love it! I just got it today and I'm already on CH. 7! This is probably the best money I've ever spent on a book and the most excited I've been about a book. lol. This will be my bible. I can't wait to see what more this book has in store! I think there's even recipes in here. score.

real hunger vs head hunger

how do you know? i'm having a pickle of a time trying to distinguish the two. my tummy hurts but its not growling. how do i know if this is real or not? i haven't eaten much today. 8am i had a bowl of cereal. 11am i had 10 pepperoni slices, a string cheese and 2 handfulls of pistachios. now its 1pm and i'm hungry. i think thats ok right? to be hungry at this time based on what i've eaten? should i wait till i'm starving? hmm... how do you know?

honestly i'm keeping myself busy and not thinking about food. but this hunger pang is getting to me. its annoying.

*update*

i ended up eating. not much though. i didn't get full. i just got satisfied. i wish i was nice and full though. i like being full. if i'm not full i feel like i'm always kind of hungry inside. ;/ good news though. i had a very stressful conversation with sallie mae about a mistake they made on my bill. afterwards i really wanted some ice cream. but i'm trying to recognize the situation and cope in other ways. breathe. watch a movie. relax. i'll be ok without ice cream.

"Dr. i love your scale"

boy doctor's offices will milk whatever they can out of you man. its ridiculous what we pay for.

went in for a consultation for my endoscopy. $40 for a 10 min conversation. and they weighed me and such. and the number they came up with was way low. i thought...weird. because i weighed myself this morning and while i was a couple lbs lighter than before i wasn't that light! lol. but the funny thing is yesterday and my gyno they weighed me and came up with the same number. so...hey maybe its my scale! lol.

but i'll take it! :)

woke up this mornin, feelin' fine

not sure why but i feel great this morning!

i had to wake up at 7:30am for a GI consultation and i just popped right out of bed. not tired. i didn't feel sluggish. i felt like the rest of my body was moving at the same time as my head. i used to feel like this when i was dieting/working out last year. but i haven't worked out at all in months.


so what can explain this feeling? is it because i had a good dinner (omg so good) and went to bed at a reasonable time and actually got some good sleep because i was good and tired? maybe. was it because i finally told my best friend and she was not only happy for me but excited for me? perhaps. it could have been a load off my shoulders that i didn't realize was pretty heavy. the fact that i've been eating more mindfully the past few weeks could have something to do with it. i weighed myself just now and i'm down about 5lbs! and thats with no exercise! damn it feels good to be a gangster.

so i'm not sure why i feel great today but i do. :)

I give up too easily

I'm trying to work on myself and find ways to soothe myself without food. How to cope without numbing myself. I've noticed that I'm the type of person who, when things get hard (especially emotionally) i'm the first one to throw my hands up and say "i give up". i let myself get beaten too easily. when things get hard i walk away. and that goes for everything.

its one of those things i need to change about myself. i want to change. there are so many things about me that i want to change. my behavior gets away from me at times. i react to things without thinking. i'm embarrassed sometimes at how i act. i need to learn to control that more. and i need to give up control of other things. those things have nothing to do with my weight. but they are things i want to explore and work on as i'm working on myself as a person. i want to change so many things about myself. its gonna be hard too.

i'm hoping that my insurance will cover regular visits to the psych. because i think it will be really helpful for me. its time to tackle these things and become a better person all around.

Surgery consultation today

So today was finally my surgery consult. Can I just say I'm doing a lot better than before. I was really obsessed with this whole surgery thing. I lived on the blogs and the forums and I was so anxious to get to the next step and waiting a week for consult after the info seminar seemed like torture. Because I kept hearing that now that i'm self pay the process is so fast, like hey lets have surgery next week, ok. But it hasn't been moving as fast as I'd hoped. Haha I'm all about instant gratification. lol. thats what got me into this mess in the first place. So for 4th of July weekend I was very happy to go out of town and get my mind off things. And it was JUST what I needed! Also I told 2 good friends (one who lives in cali and my sister in law who i saw when i went out of town) and they both were very supportive so that was nice. Spending time with my husband's family was really nice. It really made me enjoy the moment and get away instead of staying in the same place and obsessing.


So because of all that I was able to come back and just be relaxed about the whole thing. I wasn't anxious, I went about my week like nothing. Also having told two people got my whole "urge to tell people" out of the way. Now I don't really feel a need to tell anyone else. Also my 2 friends who I told recently both said not to tell people. That its none of their business. And its true. My best friend has been concerned. I haven't told her yet. For some reason I feel like if I tell her, everyone will know. Not sure why. Maybe because she's super social and talks to everyone I know. Where as the other people I've told are pretty isolated. They have their own circle of friends so i know my secret is safe with them. Its probably just for my own piece of mind. Not because she can't keep a secret.

Anyway surgery consult. I waited 2 hours! I wasn't thrilled about that. The doc didn't seem familiar with PCOS which is weird because his surgery assistant (who did the seminar) seemed to know about it. He was nice but it felt rushed. He left the room before I even asked my questions. I was like...I just waited 2 hours and spent $200 on this consult, you're gonna answer my questions. So he came back and answered my questions. I was very pleased to hear that in the 10 yrs he's been doing bariatric surgery he's never had any complications. Very reassuring. He was very happy with the fact that i decided to to the gastric sleeve. He recommends it and says his sleeve patients are the happiest patients he has. It felt good to hear. It was reassurance that I was doing the right thing. for me. So i left there feeling good. i have a letter for my doctor and i'll start making apts on monday!

disclaimer: i'm not putting down lap band or gastric bypass. i think they're both very effective wls. whatever is right for the patient. i think we're more similar than we are diff. we all have to do pretty much the same things. i don't really like when people put down other forms of surgery because its really up to the individual.

Crystal Light Popsicles

Ok maybe you guys have seen this before but I haven't. Today I walked into the grocery store and found these!!!




CRYSTAL LIGHT POPSICLES?? SCORE!!

Total score. Now I'm set for the liquid phase. Well, not set. Lol. Obviously I'll need more things but this is a great idea for popsicles. I already know what flavors I like. I didn't buy the popsicles now because I didn't wanna get sick of them before its time. I'll wait till I'm in that liquid phase to experience them. :)

FML

A bottle of taco sauce fell from the trunk as I was unloading groceries today. It smashed on the concrete ground of the parking garage and splattered to a dangerous mess. It splattered on my pants. I tried washing it in the sink as soon as we walked in the apt but nothing. my mom once told me if you put toothpaste (not gel) and let it set for a little bit on the stain it will come out. this worked once withe grease. so i tried it but the only toothpaste we have thats paste like is my husband's crest orange whatever. its like a paste but i see some gel mixed in. i let it on there for maybe 30 sec to a min and then tried scrubbing it and the stains were still there but there were big light stains on my pants where the toothpaste had been. i look at the tube and it says whitening toothpaste. oh crap. so i desperately throw my pants in the wash with HOT water and i'm hoping the sauce and toothpaste stains will come out.

otherwise fuck me. because i only have 3 pairs of pants! these are my khakis! the other two are brown and black. and its the summer so i can't wear those all the time. so great. my fat ass only has 3 pants. 3 special elastic pants. and now i have 2.

*UPDATE!*

took the pants out of the dryer and they're fine! no stains! whew!!!!!!!!!!

What was that look for?

Today someone gave me a look. LOL. you should have seen this look! but i'll get to that....

Today I was so happy to finally have the car and go on an outing instead of spending the day here all alone. Did I mention my husband and I share a car? Yeah. Usually its not a problem. If I need the car for an apt he works from home. But normally I'm fine staying home and vegging out most days. If I really want to get out of the house I'll take him to work and pick him up. The problem with that is by the time I'm done running around I get home and want to nap, not face traffic head on to pick him up.

But anyway today I decided I wanted the car. I had things to do. One of those things was heading to Michaels Arts and Crafts to get a couple of latch hook kits. My grandma is soo lonely and always begging me to visit her. But its SO boring in her old uncomfortably hot house that I always make excuses not to go. My husband suggested taking something that we could do together, some kind of craft. I thought of latch hooking. My grandmother had taken us to get latch hook supplies when we were kids and I loved it. I haven't done it in years and I've been wanting to. So I figured that was a perfect solution. However Michaels didn't have any latch hook stuff. I'll have to try Jo Ann's Fabrics. But I did get string to make friendship bracelets. I've been in the mood to make them for months! Yay! something fun to do :)

Then I went right next door to Barnes and Noble. I spent a lot of time here looking for books that were suggested to me in the obesityhelp.com forums. I had a list of about 10 books. I found one. I ended up going to customer service to ask what section the other books were in. Now, mind you, these books all had titles like "shrink yourself" "no more overeating" "the so and so diet" so its pretty obvious I'm a fat girl looking for books to make me skinny. Actually most of these books are psychological and will help me address why i eat (emotional, boredom, etc) and how to change those habits. These are essential tools in the process of changing my life. Because the surgery is only one piece of this puzzle. If I don't change the wiring and conditioning that got me to this point i'll just end up here again. So I felt the need, I don't know why, to explain myself to the guy at the customer service desk. I was like "I'm getting Weight Loss Surgery and these books are all related to that" but as soon as the words weight loss surgery came out of my mouth he cringed and said "ssssssss ooooh thats scary" with a face like "oh jesus why?! ew"

Lol. Honestly my reaction in my head was like "don't worry, its fine". Like, why is it seen as this ghastly procedure? I guess maybe I would have had the same reaction a year ago (of course i wouldn't have said it out loud like that). But now I just smile like, whats to be scared of? I'm excited about it and so looking forward to it!

I just had to share that with you guys. It was so funny. The weird thing is I didn't feel any shame in this at all. I would have proudly told anyone in that entire bookstore that I was having wls.

I hope I don't get that reaction from family and friends though. lol. that might not be as funny.

wanna hear something crazy?

ever since i saw that movie Whip It i started thinking, i'd like to try roller derby. i know its the craziest thing ever! especially because i'm SUCH a wuss! but i always loved roller skating as a kid. these days i'm so heavy and have such bad balance its hard for me to do things like that. but i thought the girls in the movie were so cool and so bad ass. i'd love to be bad ass like that. i've always had an inner badass inside me just dying to get out. i don't know if i could handle all the roughness but it might be fun to try to toughen up a little.

anyway that would be a challenge for me. i would love to, once i lose enough weight and have the balance and the energy, i would love to just try the roller derby thing. its crazy right? but something tells me it would be fun. so...why not right? and no one, especially my husband, thinks i can do it. i'd love to prove everyone wrong.

Mission: Figure out what makes me happy

Do you know what makes you happy??

Because I don't!! What a strange dilemma! My life is a series of wanting something and thinking it will finally make me happy then I get it and I just end up back where I started. They say no one stays happy for too long. I have to have things to look forward to.

Anyway my point is aside from BIG things (like jobs, a house, surgery, trips, etc) my happiness has always revolved around FOOD. and it has for so many years. I've used it to medicate myself for as long as I can remember. My parents did it to me when I was young and I kept doing it as an adult. My husband perpetuates it because he just wants to see me happy. So I don't blame him or my parents. Its easy to say, awww don't cry, want some ice cream? The scary thing is I found myself doing that to my nephew this weekend. The only thing I could think to make him happy was to offer him food or ice cream. And I don't want to do that to my children. Food was always there when I had a rough day, it was there when I had a great day, it was there to look forward to. Always made me feel better. But I don't want that anymore. Thats going to stop. So now i have to figure out, if food is out, what actually makes me happy??

Its a mind blowing thing to not know what makes you happy. Crazy huh? I mean, I plan to start a quest to find what makes me happy. It sounds fun doesn't it? Also I know that attention from people (positive attention) makes me happy. But thats another crutch. I'm so dependent on other people to make me fee good or wanted or desired. I need to figure out what makes ME happy. If there was no one around, what would make me smile? hmm??? Thats a head scratcher right there. I'm not used to being alone. I don't know what to do with myself. I've never been independent. Its hard for me to go places alone. Well I can run errands alone and stuff but when it comes to going to a movie or going out to eat....doing that alone is so foreign to me.

I have to figure out what I enjoy. Learn how to be happy on my own. Because if I can be happy on my own and happy with myself, I have more to offer people, especially my future children. I don't want to teach them bad habits. I don't want them to be clingy and dependent like me. It will be quite a journey but I'm ready to take it on.

*edit*
I like to dance!!! :) i like to dance but i get tired really fast. i don't have the stamina. yay thats one thing that will make me happy. dancing is fun!!

Surgery is scary!

Ok so i'm not scared about getting the WLS because i know its only 5 incisions and nothing too bad or too painful. Plus I'll be on that sweet sweet morphine after. lol. although i'm saying this now. i personally know myself. i know i will have a major panic attack the day before and especially right before while they're prepping me. and i will cry until the drugs kick in and put me to sleep. thats not really my main concern.

what really scares the b'jesus out of me is the thought of plastic surgery. i'm watching this show on breast implants. i'm cringing so bad. there's no plastic surgery that isn't brutal. if it were up to me i would never ever ever get any. i'm such a wuss when it comes to pain. i'm scared to death of painful medical procedures. but unfortunately i have 100+ lbs to lose and its inevitable that there will be a lot of loose skin. i will do everything i can to keep that to a minimum but when you've been this overweight for this long...there's just no way my body will bounce back.

oh god i'm gonna pass out. i'm so squeamish! omg warn someone before you show that on tv! geeeeez!

anyway i don't want to have plastic surgery. i don't. but i don't know how i'll feel when i lose the weight. i don't want to carry around 10-20lbs of sagging skin. thats horrible. it might be a necessary evil. the dreaded tummy tuck. i've seen pictures of real people who've gotten it. wicked scars. looong recovery. wearing multiple drains. fucking brutal. i'm sure once you get it done and heal you feel so much better. but i dunno. anyway its not something i'll have to think of for a looong time. so i won't stress. but its def a fear in the back of my mind.