One year later

wow. i was just thinking about my bday next week and how last year at this time i was starting this new journey. i knew i wanted to have kids and the only thing standing in my way was my health. and i began my mission to get healthier so that i could give my baby my all. i remember...it started on my bday last year. wow...

i never would have thought that i would be here a year later. i let myself slip (since jan) and in the recent months i completely let go and gave in to all my indulgences. i did it. but now its done. and now its time to get back on track. normally i would have hated myself for not following through. but i don't! i know what i have to do. i have the tools to start over. and thats what i'll do. i'll just start back over. :) in fact i'm very very proud of myself. because last year all i had to look forward to was kids. but now i see how much i've grown and how much i've accomplished. i'm in school!! i have so many new skills. i got off my ass and followed my dreams and for that i'm really proud of myself. :) sure i thought by this summer i'd be rocking a 2 piece. but you know what? i am!! lol! i bought a new tankini and i think i look great in it. i shouldn't have to wait till i get to a certain weight to be happy and live my life. i'm living life!!

i woke up this morning and went to the gym. i remembered how good it felt last year when i was eating healthy and working out. i'm not gonna make any crazy promises. i just know i want to start getting more active and start making healthier choices. it will be really hard. because last summer i was able to devote all my energy into this. but this year i have school. its very difficult for me to have to eat somewhere other than home each day. plus i'm tired when i get home and often don't feel like preparing meals. so it will be a struggle. but i will try to make small changes here and there where i can. so let's get back on that horse :)

mysterious breast pain

for the past couple of weeks i've been getting weird breast pains. sometimes it feels like i have little balls inside my boobs. you know how it feels when you have a zit under your skin? can't see it but it still hurts? its kind of like that. even though i don't feel any lumps or anything. sometimes its a diff pain. like...you know when you can feel your veins? like they burn?? does anyone ever get that? lol. well i sometimes feel that but in my breasts, not my chest.

first it just came and went. but its been consistent this past week. i'm starting to get concerned because i've never had this before. i know some girls who have cysts in their breasts. its not uncommon. but i need to get them checked out. i hope the dr. doesn't say what doctors always say "oh its nothing, it just happens sometimes". because honestly, what the fuck am i paying for? pain is never normal. its not.

feeling upset and a little bitter

everytime i try to plan something with my friends no one, expect for jenny, ever ends up coming. there are "friends" that i've invited to multiple things and they never come. and they never bother to invite me anywhere. there are other friends who invite me to things, and i go, but when i invite them they never come.

i'm having a birthday party this weekend and honest to god its probably gonna just be us and jenny.

i love my family but they've either moved away or they're busy and can't come. sigh....it sucks trying to plan something around everyone's schedules. when i was a kid this shit was planned for me.

i just feel like...

my cousins, who i love to death, have all moved away or are too busy. my friends are becoming more and more unreliable. at this point i honestly feel like forget it. i don't need to depend on these people. i want to start my own little family. they will be my inner circle and everyone else will be just be outer circle. then i won't be so bitter.

its just time. time to start our own little family.

Ivonne's Baby

Here's one of the videos i took of the baby. i don't know how much you will care about the baby of someone you don't even know but if you're a fan of babies you'll love this one. lol. i dunno. i just likes to share.

A heaping dose of Green Day

Green Day on the Colbert Report


Performance


Behind the scenes of SNL

I bought this today

This is the book I need to get certified in Final Cut. What's certified you ask? Well just like teachers have to have a certification to look more professional (maybe a bad example because i don't really know anything about teachers, lol) editors too have levels of professionalism. It gives me that extra umph. Its like....I was certified by the people who make the software. A stamp of approval saying this person knows their shit. It would also give me more of an edge over other people in Miami who are editors. I'm guessing most people don't take the extra step to become certified. Something I too thought I would never be able to do. But upon looking into it I realized hey this doesn't seem so out of reach for me. This is a big deal for me. Huge even. I mean I don't have to get certified, but I'm trying to be better than the status quo. Better than average. And for someone like me thats pretty extraordinary. I'm proud of myself.

This is just the basic certification. There are levels of certification that go up pretty high and require very extensive training. But for now I'll try to concur this one. Wish me luck!

What I made for my friend Ivonne's baby boy

i went to michaels and bought a square glass vase, ribbon, some stickers, some foam. i tried to stick to the green and brown color scheme because i remember when we were shopping for baby clothes she looked for clothes in those colors. i think its cute. instead of your typical blue for a boy. i wasn't sure what flowers to put in it. at first i thought maybe some blue hydrangeas or maybe some yellow roses. i wanted it to look full. i went to the florist today and she showed me these gorgeous roses. i was like wow. they're sooo perfect!! because they're not pink or red, but they're so robust with color. i knew they would go perfectly with my vase. best part is once the flowers are done she can use the vase to keep things in. i'm just so happy with how it came out! i took it to her today. she really liked it. i'm sure later when she has time to notice all the details she'll love it.

his name is Isaac Lorenzo Suarez.

blog award. :)

Thank you Erika!! you're the only one who reads this blog. but i'll take it! :D lol. Thanks for thinking of me :)
check out erika's blog Nesting In NC

The Rules
1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
2) Pass the award on to other blogs that you have discovered.


Honestly I don't read many blogs. But the people I do read will never see this blog. lol. So I don't know who I would give this to.

dammit

i was i michaels today getting supplies to make my friend a gift (she had her baby today) and i was like...glue sticks? nah i have some at home. well it turns out i had one glue stick in my glue gun and thats it!! and it just ran out!!! in mid project!! grrr!!! dammit!! isn't that always the way??

whats the point

i wish i didn't care so much. thats what causes all my pain. caring. if i didn't care about other people, i wouldn't try to help them and i wouldn't get shit on. if i didn't care what people thought about me i wouldn't care when they're dicks to me. i wouldn't care that i'm not appreciated. i wouldn't care that the only time people say things about me its to say something negative.


if i was the kind of person who could suffer in silence i probably would have killed myself by now.

i'm so sensitive. to a fault. people can make me feel bad so easily. i also feel bad for others. i feel other people's pain. i would never hurt people intentionally. but i feel like i get shit on all the time. and the only one who suffers is me. i'm never gonna change. i can't change. god made me this way. i'm sorry if you don't like it. i'm so sick of people making me feel bad about myself. i'm a good person. it takes so little for someone to make me feel horrible. and alone. i feel alone often.

i don't do well with negativity. i don't handle it well. i close off. i want to run away. or worse.

the best way to deal with someone like me is positive reinforcement. instead of telling me what i do wrong, why don't you praise what i do right. guide me in the right direction. because i'm way more willing to listen to reason or follow direction when i'm not being attacked. the people who got the most work out of me were people who praised me when i did well. it made me want to do well all the time. and i worked really hard to do well.

and thats what it all comes down to. the balance is way off. the level of negative shit people say to and about me way outweighs the positive. and it just wears me down. wears me down. sometimes i get so low i don't have the will anymore. i just don't have the will.

Theme for my 30th bday party

i know its a year away but i want it to be memorable. my sis already did the black and red party, my friend adrian did the white and black ball. so i want to make mine really stand out.

i'm thinking it should be a costume party.

theme 1: fashion disasters. dress as your favorite fashion faux pas.

somethings gotta change

i want a baby. i want a house. i want a job. but why? i have this thing where i need change or i get bored. not a good reason to have a kid. but i've noticed this about myself. i can't enjoy my life unless i shake things up.

sigh.....i don't know if i'll ever be happy. it seems like i can only be happy for a couple of months. and if nothing changes i get bored and unhappy.

right now something needs to change. i don't know what. but something.

Could a career in 3D animation be in my future?

I know I don't want to make movies. I have no interest in production. If I were to make my own movies/videos its because I have a story I want told and I'm the only one I know who can do it. And I have LOTS of ideas. The fastest way to get something done is to do it yourself. But I would do it on my terms. Focusing on what I deem important and not caring less about what "filmmakers" do.

I've concluded that if I were to work in film it would be doing visual effects. The stuff I've really enjoyed in class so far have been graphics. It really engages my artistic/creative side. I've always wanted to be an artist or an animator but never had the drawing talent. My new "teacher" was telling me that visual effects are done mostly on PCs (which i found interesting) and using a program called MAYA. I looked into said program and I found this online course that would last 12 weeks and its done online and on the weekends. So I could do it when I have a job. And it teaches you the program. And you can come in there not knowing anything about it and they teach you what you need to know to get a job. I found this fascinating. Its fantastic.

I'm gonna keep going through the course. I mean I haven't even done After Effects or Shake so I don't even know if I'll like it or if it will be too overwhelming for me. Also I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll be happy just making dvd menus so who knows.


I figure once I'm done with the course and have more of an idea of what I wanna do I'll get a job. And if I want to go into visual fx and 3-d animation I will take this course online. I'll have the money, I can do it on the weekends, and I'll even buy myself a PC. I'm not in any rush to take this program. But its fantastic to know that its there at my disposal whenever I want to take it. Very cool. I don't think SAE will be the end of my education. This sort of thing used to be so completely out of reach for me. I couldn't even imagine where I would start. But now its not out of reach. I can't tell you how awesome that feels.

And I'll admit I do have fantasies of working in CGI. Everytime I watch these special features and see these people at the desks going through the cgi stuff they did i'm always like..i want THAT job. how cool would it be to actually do it?!! plus to have such a specialized skill in miami would make me super valuable.

I like the fact that I'm learning so much. I want to be well rounded. And skilled. Not just know a little of this a little of that...i want to be comfortable working in any of these programs.

School news: new teacher

my new teacher is 24. she went to sunset, then FIU (business degree), then some NY film school for a Masters. I'm too tired to get into all my issues with this girl. Bottom line is I don't want her as my new teacher. She seems perfectly nice but I don't want her to be my teacher. I'm having a hard time with this.

and the guys in class aren't talking to me anymore. so right now school really sucks. i don't like what we're learning, i don't like my new teacher, and the guys in class aren't talking to me anymore. today i got that horrible feeling i had while i was at emerson. i had forgotten that feeling because it was so long ago. that feeling of being alone and unliked. so depressing. so isolating. so horrible for someone like me who just wants to be liked. its a really......a really awful feeling. i don't want what started out as something so great to just deteriorate. i have 5 more months of this. i was so proud of myself. and now...now its just all going to shit. i sincerely hope this is just a rough patch. and things will get better.

*epic eye roll*

Ugh i'm so sick of making a big deal out of every little thing that someone does. i dunno. i guess i'm a bad selfish person in that way. but like...if you got a lot of attention for something that you did then cool. but i don't really wanna continue to praise you for the same shit over and over for weeks or months. especially if you're too busy to ever talk to me. enough already.

New bathing suit!!

I never realized how long I had that tired old bathing suit until ed told me that the first time we ever went in the pool together I was wearing that suit. That means I've had that thing for at least 10 yrs. 10yrs!! yes it was def time for a new bathing suit. I deserve it dammit!!!

After going through a huge mission with Lane Bryant only to find out that NONE of the stores in dade county have bathing suits! They wanted me to get one online. WHHHAAATT is the point?? Bathing suits are things you have to try on. FUCK Lane Bryant! I really wish someone would give them a run for their money.

Lucky for me I stumbled upon The Fashion Bug. I called and they told me they did have suits! Not only that but they go to size 34!! wow!! and it was in kendall!!! super! so i headed over there and they were having a big sale. i was disappointed to find that the selection they had in the store only went up to 26. in the cute ones anyway. so i said fuck it. i tried on a couple of tankinis in 26. and they both fit. but one was a halter and it put too much pressure on the back of my neck. luckily the other one was perfect. and super comfortable!! the bottoms are nice because its a brief with a skirt on top. so it covers the upper thigh area. the thing i love most about having a 2 piece is that if i have to pee or something its sooo much easier. ever tried to peel off a wet bathing suit then putting it back on?

i'm just blissfully happy. i think i look cute in it. and best of all i feel cute in it. and thats important. i wore it to the pool at my parents house. it was just me and ed. the true test will be how i feel wearing it in front of others. but i think it will go well. it covers up enough but not too much. i'm so happy!!

ps it was on sale for 25% off :)

and here it is!