i don't have anyone to talk to about this. so i'll write it down.

my husband seems like a miserable bastard lately. i can't tell if its me, his job, his schedule, the responsibilities of fatherhood, financial worries or what but he's just always either in a bad mood or devoid of feelings and proceeding to do everything like a robot completing tasks. i've tried to talk to him about it. i reached out and emailed him, he emailed me back something weird as if he wasn't hearing what i was saying and then never responded to my next 2 emails. he's horrible at communicating. he makes me not want to even bother. so i drop it and it becomes this big wedge between us. i'm really getting tired of his attitude. i want to be happy and enjoy life. he seems like he doesn't even wanna be here. i feel like, well fine leave then. who needs you? ugh.

waking up and having someone already be in a bad mood and unhappy with you is pretty fucking shitty. seems like nothing i do makes him happy lately. its starting to get old. seriously.

August was a blessing. september looks like its gonna rock.

july was really bad. may and june were a struggle. August brought about clarity and positive changes.

i am now currently in Ketosis.

in the month of august i lost 4lbs.

and another lb and another inch off my waist to date. i am now less than 10lbs away from pre pregnancy weight. its so close i can taste it!!!!

the pounds are melting off effortlessly but it is possible that its water weight. but i am gonna start a new workout routine this week. started today. i have to change the way i workout bc i don't have the carbs to do sustained workouts. so i'm switching to short, intense workouts.

today i did TABATA (4 min of squats). i tried doing a set of jump rope but i couldn't go on. i was very very spent. but i have so much energy the rest of the day. and i feel great. i really missed that feeling of working out. i haven't been working out for a month. i love the feeling of regular workouts bc i feel accomplished and strong. and i'm hoping it will ramp up the fat burning so i can really get the most out of this diet. i'm hoping to reach my goal weight  (pre pregnancy weight 173lbs) by mid november.

i will keep you guys posted.

my next goal after that is to get down to 140lbs. thats my BIG goal. anything under 173 is icing on the cake to me :)

Finally, a diagnosis

I have been self diagnosing for months. And i have been wrong every time.

The last  one was hypothyroid. Everyone kept telling me it was likely my thyroid. I looked it up and all the symptoms seemed to match.

I finally got bloodwork and went back for a follow up. Doc shows me bloodwork results and says your thyroid is working perfectly fine. Total shocker to me because I really thought this was it. and if it wasn't it, then what the hell WAS causing my symptoms. doc didn't know. we started to discuss it. i told her it seemed hormonal. that many of the symptoms mimicked pregnancy symptoms and i had checked myself so many times thinking i was pregnant. let's break it down.

1. Fatigue (almost always low energy and some days NEEDED to sleep)
2. Occasional nausea, sensitivity to light and sound (got those when pregnant)
3. Moodswings (depression, anxiety, for no reason)
4. Weight gain or no weight loss despite working out vigorously
5. Acne
6. Body aches, joint pain/tendinitis (big time during and after pregnancy)
7. Cravings for certain foods
8. Irregular periods

you get the idea.

The doc said...hmm....and you have already been diagnosed with PCOS? yes. Well the bloodwork showed thyroid was fine but i'm now once again pre-diabetic. shit. must have been the fucking carbs i added doing this macros thing. she says it made the PCOC re-activate. which makes so much sense now. i was slowly getting worse. my body was trying to tell me something. i didn't even remember to tell the doc this but i've been having sweet smelling urine for a while (a sign of diabetes). and now that makes sense too. the timeline makes perfect sense.

i was so relieved A. to have an answer but B. that it wasn't thyroid disease bc that is so serious. luckily i already went back to low carb. doc says that should be my norm. thats good to know for the future. always keep it low carb. gotcha. she put me on a low dose metformin. i've been taking it for a couple days and already noticing a difference. the fog is starting to clear. i'm hoping that once my levels even out i will be back to my old self! yay!!!

oh and before i even saw my doc and found this stuff out i had already lost 1lb and 1 inch off my waist after 3 weeks of low carb. which is huge for me because from may-aug i only lost 2lbs. and thats with working out hard 5-6 days a week!!

so there you have it. i woke up my PCOS. so glad i caught it before it got serious. doc says it will settle down/go away when i lose some weight. which i plan to do anyway. she was really impressed with my attitude. she said i'm doing all the right things and my head is in the right place.

the best part is i'm taking the right actions and i will soon be able to put all this behind me! i can get back to working out and LOSING WEIGHT!! i'm so happy!

breathe.

i decided all that anxiety and stress was NOT worth it. i listened to my body and decided super low carb/ketosis was not for me.

now that i'm  not working out i don't NEED all the carbs and calories i was eating before. so i made an executive decision to do what works for me. i decided to cut my calories, not drastically, just 200. and to cut my carbs in half. my macros used to be 40% carb, 30% protein, 30% fat. they are now 20%carb, 30% protein, 50% fat. upped my fats, kept my protein adequate and cut my carbs in half. totally doable for me. this is very comforting to me as i did low carb for so long. here's the difference though. this time around i'm actually tracking my intake so i make sure to eat ENOUGH, eat often, and get adequate protein. all things i wasn't doing last time i did low carb. i would go loooong stretches without eating. bad. i ate mostly snack stuff instead of real meals. bad. i was eating mostly fat and very little protein. bad. i think this time it will be alot more balanced. been doing it for 2 days (today is day 3) and i've noticed my sugar is below my daily allowance and thats wonderful. i mean, that alone will make a big difference.

changes? well so far yesterday was a rare good day.  i woke up feeling good and even had energy. even before my coffee or any food i went to my workout room and walked on the treadmill for 10 min. that was about all i could do. then i lifted some weights. i still don't have the energy to do a strenuous workout but the fact that i was able to do anything was wonderful. moodwise i did well yesterday. especially considering the bomb my mom dropped on me and basically hijacked my entire day. yeah i was annoyed/upset/stressed but i actually handled it pretty well. i didn't dwell on it. so i'm proud of myself. today i woke up feeling ok. sore from yesterday so i'm letting my body rest. muscle aches and recovery are alot longer with thyroid disease. but my head is clear. no fog. i'm not ra ra sisboomba. but shit, i'll take it! :)

i am at peace and not stressing anymore. i don't feel like this disease has taken over anymore. i dunno but just being able to change my diet and still feel like this is something i can continue and i'm not out of the game yet, it gave me back control. and with that, piece of mind. or...peace of mind actually.

tomorrow is my doc appt finally. i'll keep you posted.

having a bad day.

tired. of course. but stressing about this food thing is making me so miserable. i hate extremes! i can't....sigh.....they backfire. i'm making myself miserable.

i really am.

stressing myself out

so many things running through my head...

thyroid treatments, fighting with doctors to get the right medication, finding the right dose could take months....

every day i don't work out i'm a failure and getting fat

every day i don't log my food i'm a failure and getting fat

i'm tired. i'm just weak and tired.

people think i'm lazy, making excuses.

i just wanna get back to how i was before. happy, with energy, working out, eating right, motivated.

i don't wanna lose this motivation but the more time passes, the weaker i get

now i'm told to try a keto diet, getting anxiety about that. seems like an extreme. i don't believe in deprivation. it will backfire. stressing about what i can and can't eat. i hate strict rules. i need general guidelines and flexibility.

i'm doing ALL THIS to myself!!! i need to shut the fuck up. shut my brain up. give myself a break. relax. find peace. find happiness. don't focus so much on these things. live my life. i don't wanna give up on everything i worked so hard for. but i need to loosen the reigns a bit. right now. i need a break. mental and physical. i need to rethink some things. not be so strict.

i have made a decision though.

my plan initially was take this year to lose the weight, get to goal next spring, get the panni removed, continue to get in shape, enjoy my life and my body and then end of next year get pregnant. i'm in my mid 30s and i don't wanna wait too long or it will be too late.

the problem is this fucking thyroid business has thrown a wrench in my plans and my weight loss. what does that mean? its gonna take me ALOT longer just to get to pre pregnancy weight. at first that meant pushing EVERYTHING back. because everything has to be perfect. but fuck that. who says? i WILL be getting my panni removed next year. i want to live my life and enjoy my body. regardless of my weight. i've seen girls bigger than me get theirs removed. and i will continue on my fitness journey, but i will still get pregnant when i want to. even if i'm not at goal weight. my life won't be put on hold because of my weight. thats just another form of  being held hostage. no way. i'm gonna live my life and do the best i can. and not wait for this or wait for that. i've spent my whole life waiting.

knowing this brings me so much peace.

no one puts any pressure on me but ME. and it needs to stop.

my new fitness blog

Ok so this is still my main blog. my dear diary if you will. i will write down all my demons and things i just need to get off my chest.

but i started a blog dedicated to my fitness journey. it will include protein reviews, exercise ideas, motivation, and my struggles with hypothyroidism.

if y'all are interested you can find it here.

in good spirits

first of all i want to say, i'm having a good day. i'm grateful for those. :)

secondly, the more i find out about hypothyroidism the more things start to make sense. i don't feel helpless anymore. though i still have many questions and have yet to see a doctor and be diagnosed all signs seem to point to some kind of thyroid disorder or something with very similar symptoms.

i don't feel helpless because i see there's things that can help. i see women on instagram who battle with hypothyroidism and still manage to meet their goals.

one thing that has helped me tremendously is the herb Rhodiola Rosea. not just physically helped me but gave me piece of mind that for right now i have a tool to battle my symptoms on my worst days. it does work. it takes hours, but it does work. one rhodiola product (Energy Kare) gives me energy. On days when i feel like i'm in a walking coma, i take 2 of those and eat something and after a while i'm a normal functioning person again. with the other product (Rhodiola Root Extract) i get a sedative feeling. it calms me down when i'm too frazzled/stress/anxiety ridden and cannot calm down. both products clear my head and level out my mood and i feel ok. just fine. completely capable of facing my day and anything that is thrown at me. it also helps me get amazing sleep. what an amazing herb this is. i am so grateful for this. it is not however helping with the weight gain/trouble losing weight. it sucks when you workout every day and eat right and in 4 months others can lose 50lbs and you have only lost 12. that is definitely something that needs to be helped with hormone replacement or something.

i have to say my entire way of thinking has completely changed with this disorder or whatever you wanna call it. its actually, surprisingly, made me stronger and more determined. yes i have my bad days. don't get me wrong and on those days its just about getting by. but it has made me so grateful for my good days. like today. i didn't need to take any herbs or anything. i woke up feeling like my old self. had enough energy. in good spirits, etc. since those days are no  longer guaranteed, i cherish them.

i also had to completely change the way i think about exercise and eating. i'm not like everyone else. i have spent the last 7 months trying to find someone who was having success and copying everything they did. and it changed periodically, especially with exercise. thinking that eventually i would get it right. if i just follow these easy steps i'm bound to have the same results? right? thats all i wanted. a guarantee. but i know now that there are no guarantees. i can't follow any program. at least not like this. there's no normalcy in my life right now. i don't wanna feel like i cheated one day or skipped a day because then that starts a slippery slope into "oh well i messed it up, no point in going on" and then completely fall off. how many times has that happened to all of us?

i've learned that i had to look at things differently. i told myself that from now on i will do something every day. my body doesn't have weekends. i have good days and bad days. there will be times i won't be able to do anything. but even on those days i will try. example 2 days this week i did walking/sprints and a little bit of weights. then i had a really bad day. i felt like i was in a walking coma. i walked very slowly for 20 min but it wasn't doing ANYTHING for me. so i stopped. but guess what? mentally i knew that i had at least done SOMETHING that day. so i still felt good about myself. today i had energy but i ran out of time in the morning so i just danced around and huffed and puffed for 15 min. and  i can feel good about myself knowing i did something. because now its not just to lose weight. i won't obsess over it because i know something is working against me. instead i'm working out for the mental/emotional benefits. because when i'm depressed, it clears my head. because knowing i did something makes me feel good about myself. proud of myself.  the rest will come in time. i know that every little bit benefits me both mentally and physically. so i just see it as a positive thing i can do every day to make myself feel better.

no. i will not do it because you have to force yourself even if you don't wanna do it because "no excuses" and "beast mode" and sweat is your fat crying. i don't think those are necessarily positive things. personally i see them as a bit combative. you always have to be pushing yourself. but thats not how i see it. i see it as me loving myself. not putting any judgments or expectations on myself. its also forced me to be creative. i have many many ways of working out at my disposal. weights, dvds, pull up bar, treadmill, bike, resistance bands, exercise balls, etc etc etc. any of those things, or any combination of things is great. my motto is "as long as it makes you sweat and gets you huffing and puffing, its good" no matter how long. but even if its just a short, slow walk. and i have zero energy. thats fine to. i tried. what more could i do?


and on days when i feel good, i feel like i'm ready to take on the world. i feel strong. like a warrior. this thing i have (whatever it is), it might knock me down, make me weak, tired, depressed, but its not gonna beat me. i will always come back. i'm too strong. its made me a stronger person.

and as far as dieting. i'm giving myself a break. i've been counting my calories for 4 months now. i know pretty much what i can and can't eat. i have been craving fats (like avocado and peanut butter) and sometimes sweets. i will allow myself these in moderation. on my bad days i definitely am more slack about it, but on my ok/good days i'm back to normal. i'm going to concentrate more on staying within my calorie goal and sticking to whole foods. and not worry so much about whether i'm having more fats than i should, etc etc. i'm just not gonna obsess over it like i have been. i mean honestly its not gonna get me anywhere right now. so i will just make sensible choices.

if anything this shit has taught me that life is gonna throw you curveballs. you can't schedule it. sometimes you just have to take it one day at a time. and do the best you can.


i am more determined than ever to have this panni removed though. its happening. come hell or high water. i wanted to be down to 140lbs but at this point i'm just hoping i can get to my pre pregnancy weight (170lbs) before next spring. right now i've been teetering back and forth around 186 give or take 3lbs for weeks. this is gonna be a long journey. there's no guarantees anymore. so if i have to have it removed at 170lbs, i will. i want to live a better life. i want to move more freely. this thing is really getting in the way of my range of motion and my workouts. there's so much freedom that will come with it. it will allow me to soar to my potential. i'm done waiting. i'm done living life halfway.

long talks, short runs, and magic herbs?

our last night without the baby ended in a LONG talk in bed. of course i waited till 4am to start having this conversation thats been needing to happen for a month. finally at 6am we just gave up and went to bed. but it didn't go well. i was essentially blaming him for everything. and he was trying to appease me and offer solutions but they weren't enough. he made me lots of promises and asked nothing of me, just that i take care of myself physically and mentally. it wasn't everything i wanted to hear. i'm missing intimacy. he just can't seem to open up. and it seems the more years go by the more closed up he is. the only emotion i get from him is in valentines/anniversary cards. and i didn't get an anniversary card this year. we can't have intimate conversations. i want to hear things like "you look beautiful" "i want you" "i need you" "i miss you" "i'm thinking about you" but he doesn't get it. sigh.....its not like i haven't told him this over and over.  he knows my love language is words of affirmation. i just feel like he does the bare minimum.

anyway the next day i felt depressed in the morning. i tried walking on my treadmill bc i hear exercise can help with depression. i had very low energy and walking like a zombie...it wasn't working. so instead of giving up i decided i would make myself run to release endorphins. it worked. i was numb on the run. numb. but it cleared my head of the bad thoughts. still had low energy but a clear mind. i was able to do 30 min of sprinting/walking. i felt good. afterwards i sat ed down and apologized for blaming it all on him. that it was me and i had to work on myself. his job is not the problem. its making things harder. certainly its a scapegoat but not the problem.

in the car he was telling me about his schedule going fwd. the usual. sunday is orientation, school starts monday. fine. but then he said "i may have an even monday night" and thats when i got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. that enrages me because it means i'm on my own till 10pm and he comes waltzing in and goes to sleep shortly thereafter. and when do i make dinner???? also wtf when do I  get to go out to some event of my own? fuck?! i'm suck here all the fucking time!!!!

thats when i said, you can go to your event but for every event you go to, i get to have my OWN event that same week. which means you get home, i take the car and do whatever i want. he agreed and said, you can take more than one day if you want, and regardless of whether i have an event or not i think its something you should do. and i'll feed benji and do the night time stuff.  (side bar: my husband is really patient, understanding and supportive)

so now i'm excited and happy that i have something to look fwd to on a regular basis. every week i get one night to do what i want. and it can be anything from taking a fitness to seeing a movie alone or having a lady date with drinks and dinner. he even suggested some adult ed classes which i like the sound of that. learning something new.

and bonus, i have decided we will do a date night once a month. mandatory. so i'm excited about that as well :)

and lastly, a friend posted this on fb yesterday...http://preventdisease.com/news/14/071614_15-Herbs-Plants-Stabilize-Thyroid-Function.shtml

i stopped when i got to the Rhodiola because the description sounded like what i needed. i went online and looked at products and reviews. it seems like its a good energy boost in low doses and in high doses acts like a sedative to calm the mind of anxiety. well i bought both yesterday. took the sedative one yesterday after getting home and my son was giving me a headache with his crying and screaming and tantrums and i was tired and hungry with a major major headache. i took it and made some food, ate and took a nap. i will say that the nap was amazing. it felt like i had taken a sleep aid. and i woke up refreshed. so much so that instead of my regular coffee i drank a decaf last night. then last night i slept great as well. all from 1 dose. so i'm hoping that this herb can help me. we'll see. i've jumped to conclusions before.

i just took the energy one and don't feel anything yet. so we'll see....                                                      

grateful for my good days

since last thursday the skies have temporarily cleared. i even finally worked out (good and hard too) on saturday and sunday. monday and today (tuesday) were set aside for me and my husband. yesterday we stayed at a swanky ($$$$) hotel and had a luxurious spa day ($$$$). i've never been to a real fancy spa before it was a dream come true. i had an AMAZING massage which included a salt scrub on my back and i also had this amazing 30 min bath with jets and essential oils. man i felt so pampered, like royalty. then at night we walked across the street and went to see a new movie. i haven't been to a movie in a theatre since before the baby was born. it was lovely.

today we are hanging out at home and doing stuff around the house that we've been force to put off for months. its so nice to have the freedom and time to do all this stuff but we do miss the baby. tomorrow we pick him up. and then......my husband goes back to work thursday, and this shitty schedule starts all over again. not gonna lie, i'm scared. i'm scared of suffering through this again. it was awful. i feel like i was living only to support his schedule. like i was a machine, there to service my husband and son and no one gave any regard to my feelings or my needs. and on top of that the episodes of depression and fatigue made it that much worse. i'm very scared of the next episode. my husband will be back at work.

on a good note though, i made a doctor's appt finally. not till aug 1st but i'll take it! i pray that they can figure out whats wrong with me. not knowing is the worst. i worry that its a thyroid thing because i hear thats a constant struggle and that the medication doesn't make it go away. you still get tired, you still have to fight the weight gain. but i already had to deal with the weight stuff with PCOS and i thought i beat that struggle. sigh.

i find myself being scared all the time. scared of another episode. scared of not having help. scared of feeling that way. scared of something bad happening to my family. scared of crime. scared of cancer. scared of autism. scared i'm a bad mother and i've already messed up my son. i didn't used to be this way. i was always really perky and upbeat.

i don't wanna dwell on the bad right now. i have to savor every second of this day. of this happy time. i dread what happens tomorrow....back to that life....no....today i am grateful.

this episode is over

happy to say that wed the skies started clearing for me. i got my smile back. some pep in my step. its over now. i figure i have a good week, week and a half before it comes back. i'm soooo grateful to be myself again. even if its for a little while. my husband is on vacation for a week and i'm so glad i can enjoy this time together!!!!

thanks girls for your concern. i def need to see a doctor and get my hormone levels checked. i'm in the process of doing that but insurance has me running through hoops. stupid HMOs. so hopefully by monday it will be sorted out and i can make an appt but my insurance won't let me see anyone till august. i will for sure have had another episode by then and i'll be honest i'm scared. because my husband will be already starting to teach a new semester...and it will be bad. bad.....

anyway not gonna let that bring me down now. i'm optimistic. just grateful to have this clarity right now.

fucking moodswings

i keep going from mad to sad to agitated to exasperated. none of these moodswings have been positive upbeat moods. just negative negative negative. no one is gonna wanna be around me. especially ed. i just wish he would take this more seriously. he's so flippant about it. just fatigue. oh i'm just tired today no biggie. but its so much more and its fucking up my life!!!! i don't like being this way! i am having super irrational thoughts. i don't wanna be the miserable bitch cow i was when i was pregnant. i'm so scared to be that again.

i'm having a lot of feelings of worthlessness. and guilt. and i feel like ed doesn't love me anymore.

i've been suffering with this for 2 months but it wasn't a big deal. but every time it comes back it gets worse and brings more shit with it. and i can't deal with it anymore. i'm so fucking scared what will happen when it comes back again and ed starts another semester. i'm crying for help here. please someone here me....

symptoms

i'm gonna stop diagnosing myself because i'm always wrong. instead i'm gonna list as many symptoms as i can think of.

-fatigue that goes away and come back every 2 weeks. and each time gets progressively worse and bring other symptoms with it.

this time around i have
-depression
-moodswings
-body aches
-joint pain (knees and now wrist)
-craving fats like avocado and peanut butter (also cheese and other fats)


this condition has severely impacted my life in a negative way. i need to see a doctor asap. i'm afraid of how bad it will be the next time around...

also it seems to be lingering longer this time


side note: i keep having dreams of giving birth which is really messing with my head bc i know i'm not pregnant. i've gotten my period 2 months in a row since my last scare. and 2 negative tests.

Tired again

Ok.....so sadly eating more calories did not solve the tired thing. sure enough like clockwork it came back this week. last night the tired that came over me rivaled that of my  pregnancy. i just rolled over on the couch and fell asleep HARD. ed had to do all the nighttime routine with benji. this morning i'm still tired.

what the hell is it???

i'm taking my vitamins
i'm taking my iron
i'm even taking super greens!

i thought maybe it was all the caffeine. because last week i was soooo kick ass on tuesday. so much energy. then wed...nothing...thursday was not as bad. friday i had4 cups of coffee with little to no effect on my energy, it just took away the headache. saturday i had 1 scoop of amino energy just for the amino and muscle recovery but i didn't have caffeine yesterday. thinking that would sort me out. but thats when i fell asleep super hard.

used to be i needed caffeine to stay up with the baby. then i needed it to work out. now i just need it every day whether i go out or not. its insane. i know too much caffeine is bad for me. my body has become dependent. i know i need to stop but i think that means a few days to  a week of withdrawal. and i don't wanna give up my workouts. the truth is i know i should but i am addicted. i love drinking coffee. i look fwd to it. and the amino energy i could probably stop  using easy enough. i just like the energy it gives me but it doesn't hit my pleasure centers the way coffee does.

sigh.....this is just one of those...i know what i have to do i just have to do it, things.

took progress pics today.

i see a difference. its slight, thats for sure. same shape, just slightly less of it. and slightly more booty. :) its changing. my body is changing. very slowly. i want it to happen faster because i have so much further to go than everyone else. they all seem to just be toning and building muscle, where as i have lots of weight to lose. but i need to be patient. its gonna take time. its not surgery.

but seeing the progress has given me the push to keep going. i know its happening. even if i don't see it in the mirror or on the scale. i will NOT let the scale define me. fuck the scale in fact. because its not about that.

i'm just gonna keep grinding. worry about hitting my macros and enjoying eating 2,000 calories. lol. doing cardio and lifting heavy. and thats it. 

eat more dingus!!!

turns out the reason i was a miserable fucking cow for 2 months is because i haven't been eating enough!! i've been reducing my calories like an asshole when i should have been feeding my body and feeding my muscles. now that i'm back to doing what i started doing in the first place (the macros system works if you let it!!!) its so much easier. i get to EAT. and i was starving. i don't feel deprived, depressed, i feel alert and i am actually craving healthier food. go figure. i'm generally more pleasant. and more able to take on this fukacta schedule.

not even gonna sweat the scale right now. i think its gonna take my body time to adjust to the extra calories and realize its getting what it needs and therefore will start shedding it. i'm doing well exercise wise. i burn 400 cals a day 5 days a week. eventually i will go back in the right direction. its a lot more doable now. focus on fueling my body (soooo much more doable now, macros are very doable and no deprivation involved) building muscle and i have to keep on with the cardio and start challenging myself with the cardio the way i do with the weights. if i really wanna burn fat. i suck at that though. i hate shit that makes me huff and puff. i hate that feeling.

as for my fatigue, i can't say for sure yet because it has a tendancy to go away and come back a week later so i won't know for sure till some time has passed. but right now there's a WORLD of difference. and if i think about it....the times when i had more energy were the weeks after i allowed myself to pig out on the weekends. getting more calories in gave me more energy. i can't believe i was pushing my body every day without fueling it. i can't imagine how much damage i did.

i found this EXTREMELY helpful. it answered all my questions.
http://iifym.com/why-does-your-calculator-tell-me-to-eat-so-many-calories/

i used this calculator
http://iifym.com/iifym-calculator/

last night in bed ed and i were talking about how glad we are that this 9 week semester is almost over. only one more full week. then we get 4th of july off and that whole weekend together. then half a week. then we have 5 days together, including the hotel/spa days. ahhh.....then..pretty much right after that starts orientation for next semester. thats so fucking depressing. for both of us. this schedule is so hard on both of us but especially me. holding down the fort. having benji all day, no car, trying to workout, clean and on top of that i'm chronically fatigued. i will be honest, i don't know if i can do another 9 weeks. i really don't. i feel like it was super hard for us and....put a real strain on our marriage. not to mention a physical and mental strain on ourselves. personally i don't think its worth it. even he is starting to see that now. i really just want him to quit this stupid job. i'm trying to be supportive but at what cost???? our relationship is suffering. i'm suffering. not to mention he is missing out on benji's milestones.

sigh...

i worked so hard this week. and i gained. i gained. sigh......

it has to be muscle. i lifted HEAVY and i can feel my arms are more defined. which is awesome. but the scale is fucking me up. plus i'm not seeing myself getting thinner at all. i look puffy and fluffy. i hate it. sometimes it feels like i'll never make it to my goal.

it was easier when i kept seeing results. that was before i got more serious with the weights. i've vowed to concentrate more on cardio and keep weights to twice a week. thats all i really need. back/shoulders and bi/tri.

i bought some dance workout stuff for some fun cardio. but i'm gonna try T25 which is a lot more serious. its just hard because something is wrong with me. i'm tired. i mean....it goes in waves. it seems to happen every 2 weeks....i hit this wall and my energy drops so low that i can't even do simple things. like this week was another bad week. i forced myself to get through every workout. thursday i hit the wall and just started to cry bc the thought of doing the things i have to do every night with the baby seemed so overwhelming bc i didn't have the energy to do anything.

at first i thought it was iron. so i started getting more consistent with my supplements. and it went away so i thought that was it. but then it came back again. then went away again, then came back. i really need to see a doctor. i know there must be something wrong with me. it might be all the caffeine messing up my body...sigh...its such a crutch for me.

2 weeks ago my weight went up on the scale. last week was BAD so i didn't bother to weigh. but this week i worked so hard, and made sure my calories were low and burned at least 400 calories daily. and i thought i would see the scale go down. nope up again. its very discouraging and frustrating. sigh...its hard to work so hard and be so disciplined when it feels like its for nothing. at this rate i don't think i will get to my goal by september. i've been doing this march but i've been serious about getting in shape since jan. unfortunately i do have a time limit to do this. i need to get rid of the panni and get preggers again because i'm already 34. sigh.....

i'm going to do this cardio plan. and hope that it makes a difference. i really need this. i need to see results. also i really need to see a doctor because fast paced cardio is really difficult for me lately when i have no energy.  thats why i've been avoiding it. if i do cardio its LONG low impact stuff. i need more short intense stuff.

Taking a voluntary leave of absence from social media (or what i like to call social rehab) and its been tough. Especially when I can't put my every thought out there for everyone to see. like who is going to know how yummy this coffee is?

i have to express myself somehow or i just go crazy. so i dusted off this old blog. i'm sure no one bothers to read this anymore which is a good thing because interaction is not the best thing for my rehab. just writing to write. also i don't feel like updating my whole life since my last post.


i just really wanna say this....

the best most surprising times i've had were times when i didn't expect anything. expectations are killers of good things. they make you only see the "bad" things. i have to make a conscious effort to let go of all expectations. to walk into each situation with a blank slate and accept the gifts life has to give me.