ooosa

trying to stay positive in a hurricane of drama and crazy around me.

first it was the family therapy. that was rough and it affected me more that i probably realize. then my friend attacked me and i got plenty sick of her drama so i stopped going on fb, twitter, etc.

now my crazy aunt has ridden into town and she is a tornado of bad let me tell you. she is constantly demanding things, infringing on my good nature and using me for her own needs.

you know, i complain a lot about my mom guilting me into doing things but her way is so much more gentle. she suggests things. its a little passive agressive. but i prefer that over aggressive aggressive. my aunt simply demands thing. ugh its so fucking rude. she has burned every last bridge with the ppl in this family and now her last bridge, me, is starting to see her for what she really is and she's about to burn this last one too. how sad for her. but like my mom says, its her own doing.

i can't help but compare her to my sister. not only do i see a lot of her destructive ways in my sister, but i see a lot of her and my mom's relationship in me and my sister's. ughh there's just too much drama in the LBC for me.

i can't. i refuse. i'm cutting out ALL the drama in my life. even if it means cutting out old friends, even if it means cutting the social media. i'm trying to stay in my zen place.  the baby making process has started and the negative stressers will no longer be allowed in my zen space.

taking a break from social media

well from twitter and fb anyway. which is hard for me because i'm addicted to instant interaction. also i'm home all day with nothing to do.

but i've really had enough of people these days. i feel like i don't want anymore really close friends that are all up in my business. they get way too comfortable. i think i'd rather have those distant friends. you know the ones you don't talk to that often but everytime you do its like nothing has changed. i love friends like that. no hard feelings. you really don't have time to get mad at each other for anything bc you're both too busy with your lives.

i'm just sick of people all up in my kool aid giving me drama. like please leave me alone.

you don't know this about me but i get into these moods every so often where i completely detach. i don't answer the phone, don't answer emails, i just turn off. i feel like i need to do it for my sanity. especially when i have certain friends who get way too clingy. well thats what i'm doing now. i'm glad i have my own private idaho in this blog. where i can still talk with all of them creeping.

also i wanted to thank you guys for all your sweet comments on my last blog. :) i appreciate it so much.

hee hee :)

not telling anyone but my blog and my hubby but i'm getting off the pill today. officially "trying" now. i'm just so giddy all the time!

did i tell you what my mom said the other day? i was out to dinner with my mom and i told her about my neighbors i grew up with and how one is preggers and the other just had a baby boy. and she was like "oh really? well now its your turn!"

omg!! i was floored!! this is HUGE. i don't know if you know this but my mom has never said anything positive about me having a baby. when i started wanting one a few years ago both her and my dad would cringe if i ever brought it up. it was so hurtful. after surgery she said it was because she was worried about my weight. but even after surgery when i talked about it, there goes the cringe. and she would always talk about how cute my cousin's kid was or how cute the neighbor was with his grandkids. she kept sending me mixed signals and rubbing that shit in my face. i would always blow her off bc i didn't wanna hear it. it was so incredibly hurtful.

so this was the FIRST time she ever said something positive! it was like, she was finally giving me her blessing. wow. i mean, i was gonna do it anyway but it was really nice to hear. it felt like everything was really falling into place. i was really ready. my doc told me to go for it, my mom thinks i'm ready. this is it, this is my time. and i'm overflowing with happiness.

talk about tmi

after a trip to the bathroom i lost another .5lbs! hahahhaha i have to update everything.

oh and i just purchased one of those coupons. 6 sessions of laser hair removal for $99. sweet.

I just HAD to tell someone

Ok so there's been a lots of stuff going on in my life behind the scenes that i haven't really been able to say anything about. But now that things are FINALLY kind of set, i can say something. But its not really something I wanna spread around on FB so i'll say it here to ppl i don't really know in real life. lol.

Well lets see....at the end of june, my husband went to one of his many networking events. This time one of the guys he sees regularly was chatting him up about a job opportunity. my husband gets job offers all the time, but usually in places like san francisco. and i'm settling in for baby mode. i'm nesting. i told him, thats it, we're in for the next 3 years at least. so he turns them down. he was scouted by Google, and we would have moved for that but it didn't work out. which is a blessing i think. because i really want to be here.

anyway this guy was like excited about this job, but the job is in another county about an hour away. and i was like yeah right. my husband hates to commute. we've always lived 30 min or less away from any job he's had. but then he said, yeah but...the money. they were offering big bucks there. 6 figured. wow. ok i'm listening now. so before i knew it i was gearing up to find an apt over there. at first it was a big deal because my parents never go up north. even though its only an hour, they see it as another world. and i felt guilty for leaving my grandma alone here. but eventually i got excited for it. we looked at condos out there. we didn't wanna tell anyone till it was a done deal.

but all the while he kept having doubts. he didn't want to work 9-5. he can't. he's just not a morning person. and he wouldn't get his work from home days like he has now. he's just comfortable where he is now. but then it always came back to the money. how many 30yr olds get a chance to make 6 figures? he had to jump at this opportunity.

then they took their sweet time sending him an offer letter. bc the HR lady was out for a week. so i can't tell anyone all that time. and i feel like my life is in limbo. then they finally gave him the offer. ok....still can't say anything. why? because he's gonna give his 2 weeks notice and wait for a counter offer. yeah right.

so week 1 goes by, nothing. week 2 comes along and he says to the rest of the office, hey i'm leaving, its my last week. and they're like what?? so they start making phone calls and FINALLY my husband gets a call from the big boss in spain and he talks to him about what he wants. he tells them. he never expected them to match the offer bc it was really high. but he was willing to take less. they went for the number he gave them. its still 20k more than he makes now. so that was fucking awesome. because he wanted to stay anyway.

but we still can't say anything because this guy's word is worth shit. he's always promising stuff and never doing anything. one of the problems at this company is nothing ever gets done. anyway today is the last day of his 2 weeks notice and he was like look, if i don't get something in writing by friday then i'm starting the new job on monday. he gets a call yesterday from the big boss saying, you'll get the paperwork tomorrow. yeah yeah we'll see.

so now it looks like, though its still not 100% set, that we'll be staying here, he's gonna be making more money, and still keeping the same hours and perks. which will be awesome when we have the baby to have him here 2 days a week.

we're gonna look for a 2bedroom or 3 bedroom in this building. he's gonna let me buy furniture. and then we're gonna get ready for baby. bc we're gonna start trying super soon. hee hee. i swear i could not be happier. do many good things happening, i'm busting!!

cleanse day 7

well the weird thing is that the morning pills didn't come with enough. so i don't have any to take on day 7. but the night pills came with too many pills, enough for 9 days. weird right?

anyway i've been noticing certain changes.

-i feel flatter, thinner
-i can't say i'm pooping so regularly, bc i'm not going more than once a day, but interestingly enough, there's no odor.
-i sleep different. its not good juicy sleep. its empty mechanical sleep. i don't like that.


the cleanse hasn't been hard at all. i had no problem doing it for 7 days. in fact it kept me on track with my waters.

it was probably not the smartest thing to do a colon cleanse the same week i get my period. because i'm already gassy and poopy during those times. lol. sorry but its true. so the first couple days were a bit cray cray. but after that i didn't really have any issues. i could feel myself flatter and thinner.

i weighed in today and i'm at 167lbs. thats 1.5lbs below my lowest weight. i had been teetering at 169/170 for weeks. so i'm very happy to be where i am. :) its not a huge weight loss but i'll gladly take it. i just hope it sticks and i don't gain it again after this week.

i'm also 1/2 an inch smaller on my waste which is awesome because i haven't lost any inches in months. so i'm super happy. but i wonder if once my period is gone if i'll lose a teeny bit more. here's hoping. but i think i might gain again the way my body is.

on another note i'm finding it impossible not to eat carbs. i try but i just can't seem to do it. i have to eat bread at some point in the day. i mean its either high in fiber or multi grain but its bread. i've been doing ok this week. try to keep it to 1 or 2 servings of "carbs" a day. and by carbs i mean grains. because there's carbs in just about everything. i've been having a sweet tooth this week and had a moment of weakness with some m&ms.

and yesterday i HAD to make cupcakes for 2 orders. i ended up eating some batter, frosting (i had to test it but i got so sick of it) and a couple pieces of cupcake (again, testing). but last night i had 2 mini cupcakes. now there are no cupcakes in my house. whew!

anyway i'm so fucking happy. so many good things going on in my life......but thats for another post.

did you hear that?

that was my stomach! its been making gurgling noises all day. and i've had a lot of liquidy stools (tmi sorry). its day 3 of my cleanse and i'm glad to see something is happening. at least things are moving.

well grace...

my cleanse starts tomorrow! wish me luck! lol.

whats the powder like? i hope i can get all the pills down and get enough water in. i mean i have to drink a lot of water anyway. this will just be killing 2 birds.

Hopeful

Woke up today feeling like a failure. been feeling that way a lot lately. for not having lost more weight by now. for not dropping in sizes like i was before. for not being in a bikini like i thought i would be by now. for not being ass successful as my doctor wanted me to be.

my cousin posted this quote on fb today:

"Almost all of our unhappiness is a result of comparing ourselves to others." 

keep swimming towards YOUR OWN happiness! :) ♥

Its true isn't it? she also said to me on twitter:

don't beat urself up! It will be fine! You have done great...think positive!!!! ;) xo. u know how our bodies work! You have prob hit a plateau! U will figure out how to get it going again. Don't stress :)

Yeah...a plateau! of course! everyone hits that plateau around this time. sometimes for months!  i  know i will never lose as quickly or as much as before. but i will keep pushing on. stop beating myself up and push through. and eventually the scale will go down again. there's no deadline. honestly if this is all the weight i lose i should still be very proud of myself. i'm 90lbs lighter. i'm way healthier. my BMI does not define me (i've lost 20 bmi points btw). i'm not going to try to be the weight my surgeon or others expect me to be. i can't live for other people.  but i will stay positive. this plateau is not going to get the best of me.

on another note i went to the gyno today. she was very proud of my progress. and was very supportive of my choice to try to conceive. she said i should get off the pill and just start trying. and that hopefully next time she sees me i'm pregnant :) that made me so happy. i finally have the go ahead, i know its the right thing and its time. finally. no more delays. i couldn't be happier. i've waited for this so long.

you know whats weird?

I hardly eat as it is. I find it hard to get in my waters and protein. i wake up, have a protein shake, it keeps me full for a couple of hours. then i drink 2 waters. then i get hungry. i'll eat something. sometimes something small like crispy jalapenos salad toppers (i probably shouldn't be eating them too much) then i'll get full again for a bit. sometimes i'll want something like a salad (no protein) or corn soup (no protein plus corn =carbs) so even though i enjoy it, i don't get any protein. sometimes i'll have something like an egg and bacon and maybe toast. by that time its 3or 5pm. and then i stay full for a long time. then i try to drink my 3rd water before dinner. then at dinner i'm hungry. i eat a meal. some kind of meat with some side dish. and then i have to wait a couple of hours before i can drink my last water.

i swear its work. it really is. its work to get in all the protein and the water. the other day i just went to bed without drinking my last water. i was just so tired.

what should i be doing? eating more small meals? eating 3 more substantial meals? i'm lost.

am i nuts? i see people eating things like popcorn or rice cakes and losing weight. meanwhile i stay away from those things because they're high in carbs. anything rice, or corn, or potato. but maybe i should just let myself live a little. maybe if i allowed a little more into my diet i would have more balance, more moderation? i dunno!! i mean i'm scared of popcorn. i could easily start to get in the habit of eating it and thats not what i want.

i wish i knew what to do to get this train rolling again. i don't think depriving myself of more is the answer. i don't think eating NO carbs is the answer. what am i missing?

my problem is that i get really sick of liquids and liquid textures. i need saltiness and i need dry crunchiness. so i can't just drink protein shakes, greek yogurt, etc.

it was easier when i ate a lot of cheese. i'd have a slice of cheese and peanuts all the time. then i got sick of the cheese. and i lost a little weight and i thought oh maybe the fat from the cheese was keeping me from losing more.

i think thats my biggest problem now. i worry so much about the carbs, that i'm definitely kind of bad with the fat. its hard to balance. i mean, you have to have taste somewhere.

sometimes i wish i had gotten RNY

yeah i said it. i look on this pregnancy forum on obesity help.com and i keep seeing these women who lost 120lbs or more and who got all thin. you lose the most weight with RNY.

i dunno. its just gotten so hard. i'm almost a year out and its gotten so hard to lose weight. i lost 90lbs and at this rate i honestly don't know when i'll lose 100lbs. you think, its just 10lbs, no  prob. but i'll lose, if i'm lucky 1lb, then maybe gain 2, then lose 1, gain 4, lose 3. you see what i mean? sigh....

i feel like a bit of a loser because its gotten so hard for me. i still eat well. but i find it almost impossible to cut out all bread products like my doctor wants me to do. sigh. i can't lose any more. i wanted to get to 100lbs of weight loss. my goal was 120lbs. psh. at this rate i won't make it to 100lbs weightloss  by end of august. sigh....

maybe i should have just gotten RNY.  i could have lost more. but dumping and never eating any sugar sucks.

people saw all this weight loss. they got used to seeing me thinner every time they see me. now that doesn't happen anymore. i don't think they understand i stopped losing. and if they find that out they're gonna think i'm fucking up. don't get me wrong, i have my moments. but don't we all? for the most part i eat well. its just so hard.

google plus sucks

lol. i prefer facebook. but i'm sure the future will be google +. let me know if you want invites. leave your email address and i'll send you one.

britain britain britain

I've been watching a lot of BBC America and i'm really fascinated by british culture and especially by all the accents. I'm a big voice persona and i have an ear for accents. i'm fascinated by them.  i'm also so intrigued by english idioms. they call pork rinds pork scratchings. they call chips crisps and fries chips. they call people "fit" instead of hot. at least i think thats what they mean by fit. i love learning all this stuff.

i would love spend some time in britain and experience their culture. especially christmas.

i've gotten to that stage now

where the free ride is over. oh man i remember those glory days, the first 6 months after surgery, where the weight would just fly off. i didn't even have to try!!

now not only do i have to try ALL the time to lose weight, i even have to try NOT TO GAIN! thats so not fair you know? even before surgery i would never gain 4lbs in a week. wtf is that? you would think i was eating nothing but fast food and candy bars. and i haven't had either since surgery!!!! this sucks man. sigh...

back on the wagon

i went to the gym today! finally! after 2 weeks. i went to my powerflex class. it was fun. i'll admit, there are some moves i just didn't do. its been 2 weeks!! i'm gonna be sore tomorrow. i was actually gonna stay after class for a hip hop class but they moved it to tomorrow. i totally wanna do it. it sounds so fun. like more of a choreography class than a work out.

i feel about going though. i did have fun. :)

omg, seriously atkins bars?

like i told you, i bought these the other day

if you're anything like me you know that these protein bars always look amazing but they always taste like the same thing. thick, dry, protein. so i wasn't expecting much. holy shitballs. i must be really hard up for a candy bar bc this tasted JUST like a baby ruth to me. wow! the middle was more like nougat than protein bar. it wasn't dry. it doesn't feel like you're eating a protein bar. this is a real treat. great for when i get those sweet cravings after dinner. score!

Ensure high protein

Well I bought some. Chocolate. I'm drinking it now. Its not bad. Tastes like slim fast and does have a bit of an after taste. But practical stuff: its $9.99 for 4 bottles vs $20 for a 2 week tub of my protein powder, its 14oz for 25g of protein vs 8 oz  for 31g of protein from my protein powder. I mean i'm halfway through the bottle and i don't even want anymore. So realistically it doesn't make sense for me to get these.

They're good for my husband though. He can easily drink them on the way to work where as with the shaker bottle of protein powder its a little more of a hassle for him. But again, at this price i'd just buy a giant pack of slimfast.

I also bought those Glucerna butter pecan shakes. They're small, with 10g of protein and 6g of sugar. I figure they'd be good as snacks (not to replace a protein shake).

And I bought these:

What I really wanted was these :

But they didn't have them in the store. so i got the first ones. i haven't tried them yet. i'll let you know.

have you tried Ensure High Protein?

I saw a commercial for it this weekend and it peaked my interest. 25g of protein, 5 grams of sugar, 3g of fiber. Thats pretty good for one of these little rtd shakes. For my 2 week liquid diet before surgery i lived off of Glucerna butter pecan. It was soooo delicious. But at only 10g of protein and 11g of sugar its not worth it to do it now. although i looked it up and now its got 6g of sugar and the rest is sugar alcohol. but i wonder if still at only 10g of protein if its worth it. its probably not too filling. might be good to keep around as a snack to take the edge off. like string cheese or something. but not to replace my protein shake.

and i know i know, i have my ideal protein powder but the truth is after a few months i'm getting sick of the taste. it happens. so i'm curious to try this ensure. i doubt it will taste good at all. usually things high in protein don't taste good. but its got a decent amount of sugar so that might help.

has anyone tried these? also can anyone recommend any good tasting snack bars? glucerna, atkins, etc?

this week

its been interesting. some big things are happening. but i've also been lazy. monday i skipped my workout. just couldn't bring myself to do it. tuesday i actually went but they cancelled my class so i went home. wed i skipped, plus there are no night classes i like on wed. today i had 2 possible classes to go to but instead my friend came over with her kids and we hung out from like 4pm to 9:30pm. so no class today. instead i ate a cupcake. so that makes the....4th cupcake i've eaten this week. i tried to do no carbs but that didn't work. at all.

so yeah. no workout plus cupcakes. not expecting anything on the scale tomorrow. hoping for no gains.