identifying a trigger

woah. today i was looking on CL for jobs and found one that i could possibly do. they were looking for someone to retouch photos using photoshop for their websites. the pay was good. problem is my skill in photoshop is to cut and manipulate pictures for graphics. i've never really had success retouching photos. so i set out to practice, even watched some tutorials on youtube. i was deep into the process of working on one picture when it struck me. the desire to have some potato chips. mind you i never really eat potato chips. i love them but i don't keep them in the house. but it was so weird. its like my brain new exactly what i needed to continue on this task, salty old fashion kettle chips. wow. it was a strong urge. i almost found myself getting up to get some when i realized, not only can i not eat chips, i can't eat anything! i said i better stop this right now before i make myself miserable. so i stopped.

i'm realizing this type of thing, photoshop/video editing/etc,  where i spend hours in front of the computer and the only thing i'm using is my brain, is just a huge trigger. i can't do it. i just can't. it doesn't entertain my enough. i need to do something where i can use more of myself. i need to interact. for my sanity. i don't want to fall back onto old habits. before i wanted the kind of job i could do from behind the computer from my home. because i was lazy and it was easy. it was comfortable. but thats not my life anymore. i want to get out there and do something i enjoy. something where i could use my brain and my hands and my personality.

time to re-evaluate what kind of work i want to do. i'd love to work for a catering company, or a small gourmet shop. i'd love to start up some kind of company where i sell homemade goods. i still love to experiment and cook. and now that i can't eat stuff i have even more of a desire to cook for others and watch their expressions. i want to see people getting joy out of something i cook. i have this idea to come up with low carb high protein treats and sell them to people who have has wls or are just trying to eat healthier.

i'd also like to work for an event planner and help plan events. its chaotic, stressful, but fun! i love to plan so i think i'd be good at it. and i'd feel a sense of accomplishment and being part of a team. of course that would mean crazy hours, including weekends. hmmm i dunno.

i'll probably end up with something clerical.

things i don't wanna do:

Sales
telemarketing
accounting
retail
food services (anything in a restaurant)

what do you guys do? and what would your dream job be?

a question about scar tissue

did any of you get scar tissue around your incisions? does it go away or is it there forever?

frustrated

ugh my tummy is taking so long to heal. its feeling better but still so swollen and retaining fluid. not to mention still all bruised up. he bruises don't seem to be changing. its annoying. i know i'm losing weight but i refuse to weigh myself till i'm healed. otherwise there's no point. my waist is bigger right now than it was the day of surgery. anyway its also annoying because people who know i got surgery see me, even though its only a week and a half later, and they expect me to be thinner already. and my face is a little smaller and noticeable then they look at my body and its still the same. its really not!! i can feel it changing on the sides but that damn belly! ugh! and i'm grateful that the gas pain is gone but the fluid and stuff in my belly still makes it hard to sleep too long. i'll be sooo tired but i'll need to get up and walk.

so yeah i'm a  bit frustrated because in the begining the changes seemed bigger but now the days go by and not much seems to change. i really hope this gets better in 3 weeks like they say. i'm almost at 2 weeks. so we'll see. ugh i'm so ready to be done with the recovery stage already and move on to other things!!

wanna hear something funny?

i'm sitting at the computer watching tv and i put my chin in my hand and it felt weird. i used to have more face. my chin seems more defined. ha! pretty cool.

Day 9 post op

Just checking in.

This is such a slow going recovery. Getting liquids in has become a little easier. I was able to get in 50 oz yesterday and 50g of protein.

So I've been doing ok until today. I've had the worse gas all day and nothing seems to make it better. Not mylanta chewables, not walking, nothing. Its made it really hard to get my fluids in today. I feel like I'm pregnant with a gas baby. I've named him Oxnardo. My husband and I went grocery shopping today and I felt like a pregnant lady. I was holding my tummy or my back and sort of bouncing up and down while i hold my tummy. Nothing I do is making it go away today. I have all the discomforts of a pregnant lady. Soreness, gas, back pains, swollen ankles, sleeping like crap, etc. My wounds seem to have gotten worse after I got home. My stomach got all swollen and bruisey and got worse looking. But now it finally looks like its going down and getting better. Which I'm very happy about.

Today for the first time since before surgery i slept in my own bed!! My back has been killing me from the couch so I said ugh let me just lay on my bed and see what happens. Well it felt SO good! so i took some pain killers and took a nice nap on my bed. Oh my lanta. what a nice nap. i rubbed my blankets on my face, it was so comforting. i got this feeling of...i'm back, everything is back to normal, only i have my sleeve! that thought brought me so much joy. of course everything isn't back to normal yet. i still have more healing to do. but i got a glimpse of what its gonna be like and i can't wait. of course i still can't sleep on my side.

i am praying that by friday or the weekend at the latest one of 2 things will happen. A. the gas (aka. Oxnardo) will be gone OR B. I'll be able to sleep on my side. So please lord let one of those 2 things happen!!!

Also Friday I can start full liquids. :) I went to whole foods and bought a bunch of lovely cream soups and greek yogurt. :) I'm looking forward to having some yummier foods. hopefully getting protein in will become a lot easier.

oh and my one week post op visit was yesterday. everything went well. my doc told me it was ok to shower and get the tape wet and even soap it up. so for the first time i actually stood in the shower and took a full on shower, even soaped up the incision sites. it felt nice to shower :)

here's a pic of me when i got home (not bad at all)

then I started to swell and bruise

and today the swelling is going down and the bruises are worse but going down

Can't wait to work out again

This is so weird because for months I couldn't bring myself to work out. laziness pure and true. no energy. no desire. even the weeks b4 surgery i didn't even walk. and now...the weirdest thing...i can't wait to work out!

I can't wait till I heal so I can do the treadmill, the elliptical, go swimming, but mostly i can't wait to lift weights!! I always enjoyed lifting weights because the results are fast and you feel so much stronger. and i guess after feeling so weak i'm sick of it. I want to feel strong again. plus i can feel myself deflating and i want to get in there and build more muscle and tone so that it actually looks good.

even thinking of, way later on down the line, trying running. i hate to run but i might give it a try. i hear amazing things about it. almost everyone i know is getting into it and they say you get great results.

on another note i haven't weighed myself once since i got home. no point i'm bloated and full of fluids and stuff. i won't weigh myself till i'm healed up. although i'm sure they will weigh me at my 1 week post op visit next week. i don't want to obsess about numbers. as long as my body is changing. when i do start weighing myself i'll try to only do it once a week. but i would prefer not to do it at all. numbers are a tricky game. you can find yourself getting discouraged if the scale doesn't move. and i don't wanna get that way.

not gonna obsess about counting calories and all that. granted i'm keeping track of that and my fluids and my protein because its important i get enough in. but once i graduate to real food and figure out what works for me and what i should and should not be eating, i'll stop counting. i just want to make good choices, be more active and enjoy life. those are my guidelines. don't want to get bogged down with numbers on a scale or numbers on a nutrition label. thats not very freeing. and i have found this new way of living so liberating. i'm so excited for the future. now hurry up and heal mel so we can have some fun!

my mother in law needs to be put in her place

since i'm too lazy to tell the story again i'll just cut and paste an email i wrote to my sister in law:

subject: omg i am soooo pissed!!


Today I was at home healing and ed wanted to go out so i told him go see your mom since she wants you to take pics of her furniture anyway. So fine, he went. He told her I was sick because of course she still doesn't know (about the surgery).

So he comes back and i was like oh how's your mom doing? Good good. He told me some cute stories about amani. thats nice :) and then he tells me that his mom was talking shit about me! wtf?? she says that she doesn't like the way i eat?? that when i was there for 4th of july she found a bunch of junk food in her trash cans??? umm...when i go to her place i bring snacks so that i can have food. i brought a cooler with 100 calorie cookies and 100 calorie cheetos. i kept one cheetos pack in my bag and a small popcorn bag just in case i was out and i got hungry. but i only ate the cheetos. i ate maybe 1 or 2 sting cheeses and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while i was there. those are things i brought. but i had brought a travel pack of mini cereal boxes. i keep those in my bag for when i get hungry and there's no food around. which happens a lot when i go to ft meyers. well i guess she found cereal boxes in her trash and made some huge exaggeration like i was hoarding junkfood. what a stupid bitch. i've been watching what i eat for months now. especially on that trip!!!! i have NEVER EVER in my life hoarded junk food and i take particular offense to this because she's picking on me just because i'm fat. she's making up bull like everyone else who assumes because i'm fat i'm some non stop junk eating machine. which is so far from the truth. and to make it worse she says i drink too much soda. i haven't had soda in months. i honestly can't remember, i think my bday party in may was the last time i had soda. and ed was like, she doesn't even drink soda anymore and she was like "well at my house she did" which is TOTAL BS!!! i brought bottled water to her house and put it in her fridge for christs sake! she had some bottled water in there and i didn't even drink hers!! only mine!! where the hell does this bitch get off? i never touched soda the entire time i was in ft meyers! at the baby shower i drank capri sun and at your house i kept asking for water! even though there was tons of soda! i swear tricia i just want to call her up right now and get in her face. she is lying about everything she said. and i have worked so damn hard to eat better. where does she get off talking trash about me? what did i ever do to her? just because i didn't eat her nasty greasy food?? because i preferred to eat my food instead? i have held my tongue for years with this woman. and i swear to god if ed wasn't telling me not to i would confront her ass right now. i'm not afraid of her anymore. i have been through too much. bruised and battered, cut open and starved. what the hell could she possibly do to me that would be worse than that. i swear tricia from now on i will not hold my tongue with her. i will defend myself. i will raise my voice to her. i am not gonna take her shit anymore. 

she just has to have someone to pick on. and i've always been an easy target because i'm fat and because i don't fight back. well baby is she gonna be in for a rude awakening. to have someone have no idea what struggles you've gone through come out and make up lies about you just because people will believe it? just to have something juicy to talk about? thats just evil. evil. i feel like after the pain i've gone through i'm not afraid of anything and anyone anymore. and i won't let people push me around anymore!

sorry i just HAD to get that off my chest. so lucky she didn't say that to me or i would have punched her in the face. smacked that evil look right off that face of hers. grrrr.

Incisions

brown shirt was on day 3 when i got home from the hospital

bruise is from the heparin shot

blue shirt pics are from today day 5

i put gauze and tape on the bellybutton scar bc its not healed. still wet.

this bruise i'm guessing is from the hernia repair

my husband can't stand to see this bruise. but it doesn't hurt.

i haven't showered. i gave myself a sponge bath and cleaned gently without getting them wet and cleaned everything else very well.

i had dreams last night about eating food. i was so scared i did it! i even woke up and said oh it was a dream then saw myself eating! it was a dream within a dream! omg! this head stuff is no joke. i would be so scared to eat food anytime soon. i'm living off hot decaf tea. that goes down real nice. haven't moved up to jello or anything yet. although today for the first time i had some unjury broth. so i finally got some protein in. i'm still struggling to get liquids in. yesterday i managed 32 oz. which is a big success for me.

the first 4 days i was pretty miserable with the pain and discomfort. never regretted the surgery for a second. just sick of feeling this way. today i feel better than all the days before and i can see myself enjoying things again. like tv and internet. i'm so happy and looking forward to the future. i can't wait to be well enough to go out and live life. i'm up for anything. lets go have adventures! not being hungry is so incredibly liberating!

so proud of myself for doing this. i know people think its cheating or the easy way but its not. for me it was necessary. i've been through SOOOO much. soo much. and you know what? i deserve all the happiness that comes from this decision. never thought i deserved anything before. but i paid my dues. and i deserve good things. you're gonna see me enjoying life with a big old smile on my face. :)

And now the fun part...Pictures!

me and my mommy before surgery

right after they removed my catheter (ahhh relief)

my first drink 36 hours. what a feast.

my hospital room. 3 chairs and 2 beds. pretty nice.

I'm still Alive! :)

I made it! It was rough let me tell you. I'm 5 days out and only now able to concentrate on tv and get online again. Still can't focus on talking on the phone or having people over. Recovery sucks big donkey balls. But every day gets a little bit better.

Here's a recap of the surgery/hospital stay:

My surgery took a lot longer than expected. I was supposed to go in at 1:30pm but my surgeon was running late (as always) so i don't think we started till closer to 3pm. well when i finally got wheeled into recovery it was 8 something. so you can imagine how worried my family was. turns out there was so much gerth that they had to be very careful moving things around. so it took longer because they went nice and slow. also they repaired my hernia. despite all that i was very lucky to not have  a drain or a breathing tube.

surgery was a success. but i had no idea how much pain i would be in. when i woke up i had so much gas i felt like a balloon about to pop. as soon as i was awake i was begging them to let me walk. please please i have to walk. they said i could walk when they took me to my room in an hour. oh i was miserable. finally at 9pm they took me to my room and i was able to see my family. all i could say was please please let me walk. what i really wanted to do was walk to the bathroom and sit down and let all the gasses come out but i couldn't do that because i had a catheter in. by the way that thing doesn't take away the feeling of having to go. you just don't realize you're already going. so i finally stood up and walked. my mom was so proud of me to be up and walking so soon. i feel bad that i couldn't really appreciate anyone around me because i was so fixated on the pain. thank god for morphine.

the next day they took out the catheter and i felt a little more normal. but it was very frustrating that i couldn't burp or fart. nothing would come out. and usually i'm pretty gassy. oh did i mention my period was still (and still is) going strong at that point? they tried to release me a day early but i was in no condition to go home.  so i stayed another night. i needed to be on the iv because i could only get down a few sips of anything. by the way, when they brought that tray of broth, tea, jello and crystal light, that was like thanksgiving.  but of course i could only get down a few sips. warm water went down easier so i just stuck to the tea the rest of the time i was there.

everyday gets a little bit better but i have to be honest, i didn't know it would be this bad. its been ROUGH. my family has been AMAZING. my mom missed 2 days of work to stay with me.  she was there when i got to the hospital and she stayed till around midnight. then she came back the next day. she spent (along with my dad) many many hours in the waiting room. my husband stayed with me the first night and what an angel. he got up at a moments notice to help me with anything. he's so good at taking care of me. its unreal. the 2nd night he went home around 11pm and my mom stayed the night with me. i'm so blessed to have such wonderful family. i didn't even expect that from my mom. i mean she hasn't mothered me like that since i was a kid. i felt like a kid again. they just dropped everything to be with me.

and though i complain about the pain and stuff i have actually been very lucky. i mean, no drain. thats huge. i'm so grateful for that. no breathing tube. i haven't had any nausea. no shoulder pain. i've been walking a lot. but seriously i can't wait to feel normal again. this week sucks. i have no idea how i'm supposed to get down enough liquid. little by little i'm able to tolerate a little more but i'm nowhere near where i should be. i'm happy that my vitamins don't taste bad at all. gas-x hasn't done anything for me. but my husband bought me these chewable my lanta things for gas. they're the same ingredient as gas-x but just a higher potency. i think they're working a bit better. but its hard to tell. this gas is unrelenting and not being able to pass gas is so frustrating. i swear i just wanna let 'er rip. i could be in a crowded elevator and if i farted i'd be like yay i did it! finally! the pain killer they gave me is in liquid form and its this nasty stuff. its not cherry flavored or red its so nasty. and of course i have to sip sip sip it. ughhhhhh gag me.

everyone has been so nice. sending me messages and cards and phone calls and texts. i'm so grateful and feel very loved. but i can't concentrate on anything. so i haven't gotten back to anyone. i'm having trouble concentrating even on tv.

i feel like this is one of those things, like childbirth, where no one really tells you how much it hurts because no one would ever do it. lol. i can't wait to get to the point where its all a distant memory. i want to feel normal again!

Having surgery tomorrow morning

Never thought this day would come!! I've had so much support from my family and friends and I am so grateful. Honestly I am just astounded at my strength. Because what I've endured the past month hasn't been easy, but especially the past 2 weeks has been really hard. I'm proud of myself for not cheating. I know I still have a ways to go but I'm up for the challenge. I have so much confidence in myself.

I'm not nervous. I'm excited. :) A bit in disbelief that its actually happening. But mostly excited. :)

I'm really looking forward to not telling most people and just having them see me after a long period of time. :)

Just wanted to say thanks to all of you for the support, the advice, the questions answered, etc.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

And I'll see you on the other side!!

Woke up this mornin, feelin' fine

I've been in a great mood all day. I don't know if its because I didn't have to take any pepto today or if I didn't drink my usual protein shake this morning (change is good) or maybe its because my surgery is right around the corner! Its probably a combination. But I've been super relaxed ever since my last pepto dose last night. ahhhh...its nice. its like freedom!

also, weirdly, this liquid diet thing is starting to get easier. i'm glad they forced me to do this because its preparing me for the month of liquids after surgery. don't get me wrong i still dream of the time when i'll get to eat again but i'm not miserable anymore.

happy happy happy :)

my grandma has a big mouth

she told my aunt about my surgery. i didn't want her to know. its none of her business. but of course she finds out and we have to have the talk. i'm so sick of explaining myself and defending myself to people who don't realize that i've researched this at length before getting here. she tells me "but you've lost weight, you look so great. why don't you keep doing what you're doing without surgery?" i said I'm on a 2 week liquid diet to prep for surgery? should i just not eat again?

then she's like "i hear that most people who have surgery become obese afterwards". how do you respond to a statement like that? where is she getting these statistics? you know what i wanted to say? "yeah thats right alot of people do become obese after surgery. they start at super obese, move to morbidly obese, then get down to obese. and eventually into the overweight range." Ahhh that would have been sweet.  of course i thought of that after she left.

she was like "what a frightening and exciting time." i was like...umm...i'm not frightened.

lol

whatevs.

Note to my followers

Look how many of you there are!! Wow! I just wanted to take this time to thank you guys SOOO much for being so supportive and informative and funny and candid. Its been a blessing to have you to lean on during the first part of my journey.

I suck at keeping up with blogs. Can you guys leave me a link to you blogs in the comments so I can make sure I'm following?

Also I wanted to pay it forward, as it was done for me by Drazil, I found a bandster who is having surgery next week. She's awesome and I'm sure she could use your support as much as I have. Even more so since she's getting a lapband. Her name is Angela and her blog is "A Better Me". Go on over and give her some love :)

Thanks guys!!

Hospital Pre-registry

Went to the hospital to pre-register. Paid the bulk of my bill and the rest i will pay on the day of surgery.  Its a small hospital (Hialeah Hospital) and i didn't know what to expect. But I was pleasantly surprised. All the staff I dealt with were really nice and caring. I appreciated that.

I signed some papers that felt like I was signing away my life. I was asked questions like "would you agree to accept a blood transfusion? are you aware that this could turn into open surgery? do you have a living will?" etc etc. i know these are routine questions and just a formality but it does make one nervous. i mean...things could go wrong. you never know. i could end up owing thousands in hospital bills or i could end up with severe medical problems or worse. but i will stay positive. i hear nothing but good things about my surgeon. i have faith in him. i have done my part and followed directions very well. :) i'm proud of myself.


 So thats it! Thats the last thing I had to do!! woohoo!!!  Next stop SLEEVETOWN!!! WOOHOOO!!!

Pre-op surgeon visit

good news? i only have to take a multivitamin and a b12! yay!!

bad news? after surgery i have 10 days of clear liquids and 3 weeks of full liquids!!! omg shoot me now. let us pray that after surgery this will all be easier. i'm about to puke now from having the same shit over and over again.

just got my cpap delivered today. its gonna take  A LOT of getting used to. all that air in your face. i was choking on it.

thank god tomorrow is the last day of this stupid medication to kill the h. pilory. after tomorrow i will never take pepto bismol again!!!


tomorrow i'm going in to pre-register and pay the hospital.

other than that i keep chug chug chugging along. dreaming of the day i can taste something as simple as refried beans.

silver lining

my old way of living doesn't stop when i get surgery. it stopped when i started this pre-op diet. this diet is like boot camp for my new way of eating. its forced me to look forward to things other than food. and thats really important. i have no choice but to look for other ways to be happy. right now i'm in limbo somewhere. i feel like the bus to skinny town isn't here yet. i'm here at the bus depot in a strange town and my family has already wished me luck and said their goodbyes. i'm here alone. what lies ahead is the unknown. but i'm ready for this adventure. no turning back now.

i'm reading in my book that some people have a problem with self image. they see themselves as fat so its hard for them when they lose weight. they lose their identity. its funny but when i dream i never see myself as fat. i'm always traipsing around in something skin tight and being completely sexy. i think there's a sex kitten in there dying to come out. i look in the mirror and while i love myself, i look at my face and think there's someone hidden in there. its hard to see with the extra weight but i have gobs of potential. i think, no, i know i'd be a total knockout. and frankly, i can't wait. i wanna take the world by the balls. i want to accomplish everything i was too scared and too self conscious to accomplish before. mainly my career. i'm really hoping that losing the weight will make me stronger both mentally and physically. and i can stop making excuses. just go into an interview and own the room. all my life i've had so much potential to be a success. and dammit i know i can be!

i might even try..get this...stand up comedy! what am i nuts? lol. my new years resolution was to have more adventures! and dammit, i'm gonna have them!

liquid diet still blows

this whole year has felt like its been moving so fast. except for the last week and a half. time has just slowed to a crawl now. i feel like i'll never reach my destination at this rate.
i dream of the days i can have meat. its not gonna be for a month probably. or more.

this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. ever. hands down. i wish my husband would give me some credit. he acts like what i'm doing is no big deal and he could easily do it. "its convenient to not have to cook" he says. its really a slap in the face. i don't care if he could do it or not. he's not me. i wish he would recognize that this is misery for me. all i want is some credit. " i can see that this is really hard for you, i'm proud of you for getting this far". thats all i ask. how hard is that to say? everyone else can say it, but not him. its kind of hurtful. he supports me in that he moves mountains so that i get what i want. and i appreciate him to death. but i also really need emotional support. especially on this journey. i just wish he would give me some credit sometimes. i always want to make him proud. i'm proud of myself. but it would be nice to hear him say he was proud of me.

You would NOT believe what I did last night

I was out and there was this little strip mall burger shop. I went inside and said what can i have on an all liquid diet? So I got a milkshake. Now this milkshake was doing it for me but then some people came up to me and taunted me with frechfries. So I grabbed one and ate it. Before I knew it I had eaten a whole bag of fries and the most delicious burger ever!!!

Then it hit me. HOLY SHIT!!! I'm on a liquid diet!! dammit!! I can't believe I didn't remember that!!! All that hard work for nothing!! What do I do? Do I ignore it and keep going? Do I start again from scratch? I mean it wasn't like a swallowed a minute piece of chicken. This was an entire burger and fries!!

and then the most amazing thing happened............I woke up.

Whew!!!! It was all a dream!!!! Thank you Jesus!!!!

Unflavored Protein powder- I need your feedback!!!!

Does anyone have any extra unflavored protein powder laying around? I want something I can mix in with crystal light when I get sick of the Isopure drinks. Lately I'm getting sick of stuff within a couple of sips.

If no one has any extra laying around that they can send me, can anyone suggest a decent protein powder for the clear liquids phase? I know its not tasteless, but whats the least nasty tasting one?

I need Feedback people!!

Irrational thoughts

I could call this whole thing off right now. Its not too late. I could just run away like I do everytime things get too hard. I still have my stomach. I could still go back to living exactly how I was before.

If I didn't start this damn process I could be eating pizza right now. I could be HAPPY!!! waaaa!!!

These are just thoughts. I know I'm doing this for good reason. I know it will all be worth it. I know. But I can't help but complain. I need to hear it over and over again how I'm so strong and it won't be forever and all that other motivational support stuff.  It really helps.

I don't care that I won't be able to eat like before. Or that I'll be eating different things in a different way. I just want to EAT again!!!  Jesus I'm only 4 days into this damn diet. kill me.

Should i feel guilty about this?

Today, only day 3 of this pre op diet, I was starting to lose it. I was doing really well for the first part of the day but then we had to go out to take xmas card pics. Ughhh. Then we went to 2 diff stores looking for that Torani sugar free syrup and no one had it. This is why I didn't want to leave the house. I'm miserable. I'd kill to eat something normal. So as we were in the checkout counter and I see a bag of sunflower seeds. I thought...what if i just chew the entire seed and then spit it out? Thats what I usually do anyway. I like the way it taste when i pop the whole thing in my mouth instead of splitting it open to get the seed inside. So thats just what I did.

I sat and watched tv and chewed sunflower seeds and spit them out. Swallowing nothing but the salt. Can I just tell you that this was SOOOOO good! SO satisfying and I felt normal for that one hour. Now, I didn't really break the rules but that was more salt than I probably should eat in one seating. A whole bag. lol.

What do you guys think? I'm drinking a bunch of water now to counter act the salt.

Bariatric Advantage

Do you guys use their vitamins?  How do they taste?

Jay Robb Tropical Dreamsicle

So I got a sample pack of this flavor plus chocolate and strawberry.  First time I had strawberry it was good. I liked it. But the 2nd time I tried it with water (mistake). It wasn't good with water. I had the chocolate, it was good. Tasted like every other chocolate protein shake. 

The thing I don't dig about these shakes is that they're sweetened with stevia. I don't like the taste of stevia. I like splenda. So today when I made my protein shake with my little sample pack of this dreamsicle I found it to be weird. It has that weird stevia taste. Didn't like it. :( BUT! I added some splenda packets to it tasted like a creamy milkshake! YUM!!!! Yes I finally found one i really like! :)

Have you guys tried any of these jay robb shakes? What do you think of them?

Protein Shot

I told you guys about that Pure Protein Shot I bought a little while back. Well I finally busted it out today. I had a protein shake for breakfast but by the time I got home from running errands I was dying. I had a jello. Then I had a slushy I made with crystal light. Then I had strained clam chowder which was so delicious! Sadly once you take out all the chunky stuff there's very little soup left. So while that was so satisfying it didn't fill me and I still felt the pains. So I said I should have one of those protein shots. So I did. I have to say I didn't try to taste it because I knew it would be funky. I didn't hold my nose either. I just closed the passage way to my nose as i drank it.

I can tell you that it was super tangy (it makes cranberry juice taste like water) and a very thick clear liquid. But I got it all down. It was bearable. But it left a nasty aftertaste which went away after a few minutes. Soon I felt the sweet relief of having something in my tummy. WHEW!!

But its only been like 20 min and i already feel empty again. not AS empty as before though. I can tolerate it. I don't know why but protein drinks never last long on me. They're really great at taking the edge off for a little while but they wear off quickly for me. However, having this shot around in a pinch when you're starvacious is great. I would say def worth having it around in case of emergencies. I thought I would carry one around in my purse. But I can't imagine it would be good warm. lol. but then again, desperate times calls for desperate chugging.

On second thought, just realized i can still chug because i'm pre-op. So nevermind that you guys. I wouldn't want to sip this stuff. lol.

Pre-op diet blows

I don't even mind the fact that I'm eating (drinking actually) nothing. Its this stupid medication for the h. pylori. god. its making me soooo nauseous. its supposed to be taken with meals but these says my meals are all protein shakes and soups. bah! this blows. i was fine for the first 4 days of this treatment. now come day 5 and i start this liquid diet and i'm miserable. 9 more days of this crap. i'll be glad when its over and i only have to deal with the liquid diet.

My last meal

This sucks! I'm supposed to have my last meal tonight but I'm not hungry! Ugh. I guess the gastro pills they have me on to kill the bacteria is playing a part. More specifically the pepto bismol. Maybe because it coats my stomach but its noticeably taking away my hunger/appetite.

so far? I had cereal. 1/2 a bowl. I should eat something else so i don't wake up starving.

This weekend my husband and I went out for a sushi lunch on saturday. That was nice. I usually get dumplings and cooked shrimp rolls. Normally thats filling enough. But we went to a new place and they cut the rolls smaller. So I still wanted more after. But because I knew I didn't want more than say 3 or 4 more pieces I just decided not to get anything else. I knew I was ok. Not full, but ok. Still it was a real mental struggle for me. Luckily I was strong. My husband did the perfect thing. He didn't say I couldn't have it and he didn't say I could. He didn't make it easy, he left it up to me. Which was great because saying no can backfire. And making it to easy would be too easy for me. So it was perfect. Saturday night we went out to a steakhouse and i got a burger but i guess from not eating for so many hours (the medicine makes me not hungry) and the effects from the medicine made me get really weak so i couldn't really eat the burger. I had about 5 or 6 curly fries (haven't had fries in months) because they were easier to eat than the giant burger. But my body wanted meat. I took a few more bites and we went home.

So now sunday night/early monday, my last meal...what shall it be?

I can't see it as I'll never be able to eat these things again. I'll be able to eat everything just in a different way. And I'm ready to have a new relationship with food.

*update* last meal was a turkey and cheese on whole wheat bread with low fat mayo, diet cranberry juice, and for dessert i had a scoop (the last of it!) of no sugar added low fat strawberry blue bell ice cream on a cone. and viola! done. lol. Bye food. Its been a good run these 30 yrs but I'm ready to move on. Break ups are never easy. I'll never forget you. I know you'll come around and try to get me back. You know how to push all my buttons. Its so hard to not fall into old habits with an ex. But I have to move on. Its not gonna be easy, but its the best thing for me. I wish you well. I know you'll find someone else. Looking fwd to my new relationship.

I don't hate the fat me

I was watching this horrible show on E! today about the 40 biggest celeb slimdowns. I found it really sad how some of these people look sickly now and people are saying they look great. Or how people held on to some weight after pregnancy and were called fat. Its appalling really. I noticed that some of them must have had WLS (i'm guessing gastric bypass) which was clear only to someone who has done research on WLS.


Anyway I saw some of the celebs talking about how the fat them was so gross and they hated that person that they were. Well, maybe I'm not at that stage yet but I don't think I'm gross at all. I'm sorry but I love myself. My husband loves me. I'm not disgusted with myself. I don't have gross habits or eat like a pig or any of that stuff. A common misconception about fat people, and about me especially, is that we eat too much. "Just put the donut down fatty" or "she looks like she ate someone" It infuriates me. Because I was never a volume eater. In fact I get full faster than most people do. My weight is a result of poor food choices, emotional eating and undiagnosed (until last year) insulin resistance. So...no...I don't hate myself. I realize I'm not very healthy and staying at this weight will only cause a myriad of problems down the line. I realize even though I love myself now I'll love myself even more later. I realize I'll look better and healthier. I realize I'll look back at myself and say "god what was i thinking?!!". But I hope I don't say, Oh god I'm glad I'm not that nasty mess I was before. Because I'm not a nasty mess at all. And I don't want to fall prey to the same nasty way of thinking as those talking heads on that E! show who were judging those celebrities.

So here's to a better more healthier me. But I won't turn my back on the former me. After all, it was this me who landed my husband. It was this me who accomplished graduating college with honors. Its this me who everyone I know loves. And if anything the hugs will suffer. Because I give damn good hugs at this weight.