Gluten free low carb pizza

Hey guys I just wanted to share this with you.

To get the recipe and see more pics, check out my food blog .

This weekend

I'm not even gonna bother weighing myself this weekend. I'm curious to see if I gained anything on the cruise. Honestly I don't think I did at all but I am so bloated from my period and between that and the muscle building and the slow weight loss I know I'm not gonna like the number on the scale right now. So I'm thinking I'll just skip this week and weigh again next week. I'm starting to care less about the number and more about how I look. I get so easily bumbed by not seeing the number I want. So fuck it. Of course I say that now but the temptation to weigh yourself is always strong. lol.

Anyway this Saturday is special because we're going to my husband's company bbq. Its a big deal to me because he's been working there 3 yrs and I've never met any of his co-workers. At his last job we did a couple of social things with some co-workers and it was a disaster. They were so clique-y. We felt  like rejects. It was a horrible feeling. And on top of everything I was so fat and uncomfortable with myself. Not to mention I always felt embarrassed meeting people that knew my husband. Because I felt like he deserves a better looking wife. I mean how many of us have felt that way? I have this tall lovely husband who's always been in good shape. I was always very grateful to have such a hot guy. But always self conscious that people would think "whats he doing with her?" So you can imagine I was happy to not meet anyone at this new job. But here comes this company bbq. Sounds fun. And now that I'm cute I'm really excited about going and meeting everyone. I finally feel like I'm pretty enough to be at his side. I'm his cute wife. I feel great about it. Also I'm bringing lots of yummy desserts so they're gonna love me. lol. So I'm very excited :)

I'll report back with how it went.

cruise wrap up

i have sooooo much to tell you!

ok well first of all our cabin was the shizzle. we splurged on a ocean view room and it was on the top floor. we only had to go up a short staircase to the pool deck/buffet. sweeeet.

Waters were a challenge. I had to be VERY vigilant about getting my waters in. But I did it. I also drank a good amount of tea too. That was fun. Let me tell you, if you wanna save money on drinks and you don't like the crappy ice tea or orange juice they serve i suggest you bring a shaker cup and some crystal light to go. you'll be set. i didn't get any hassle about bringing water bottles with me and refilling them in the buffet area. i wish i had known, i would have brought more than 3 bottles.

Freestyle cruising so we got to do whatever we wanted. which was awesome! we never got off the boat. we treated it like our hotel and just never left. we've done the island thing. it was way more fun to just chill on the boat while everyone was off on the island. we had everything at our fingertips.

My bathing suit was so cute and i think i looked cute as hell in it. and i felt more than comfortable walking around in just my bathing suit. and with my sunglasses and my short haircut i felt so damn adorable. i loved it!!

As far as the food goes. I brought more food to the table than was necessary. I was eating with my eyes. But of course only a few bites of anything and it was curtains for me. I did love the selection though. I did find a lot of the food to be mediocre and disappointing. But i didn't eat those foods. For me if its not delicious its not worth it. I have no qualms with just pushing it aside.

my splurges: bread. there were these baguette rolls everywhere and i have to say i partook for just about every meal. I haven't had bread like that in forever and i hardly ever eat bread period. so that was a splurge. also those soft serve cones they have by the pool, well on a hot day of tanning i had about 3 of those. and that same day i had one for dessert. i have to say they were out of this world delicious and refreshing that i didn't even feel bad about it. lol. but it was just that day. 

my victories: NOT ONE FRENCH FRY!! this is huge for me because fries are my absolute weakness. i have not had a fry since before surgery. i feel like once i open those flood gates, forget it. and even though there were piles of fries everywhere, and i was even served fries with some of my meals i didn't touch not one! even when my husband left the table! not even one! so proud of myself :)

also no pizza. not one slice. i thought this would be my splurge because from time to time i will partake in a slice of pizza. but nope. there was so much other food that it wasn't even an issue. :)

it was a great, lazy, easy going, laid back, romantic cruise. we were on no one's schedule but our own. that made it the best cruise ever.

and because blogger is stingy with memory space i can't upload all the pics to my blog. so to see them go  here 

Ok don't laugh

I bought one of these.

Its called the neckline slimmer. They sell it at walgreens. i was doing some research for ways to get rid of this double chin. I found exercises to do. I also found this wrap that you put around your head and neck. But this one seemed interesting and the reviews were pretty good. So I decided why not? I mean what do i have to lose? So i bought it. its pretty easy and fun. Only time will tell if this will work or not. But I'll keep you posted. Of course i've been doing the other exercises too. can you tell i'm determined to shrink my neck gobbler? lol. lets see how consistent i can be. because i'm notorious for starting things and never finishing them.

Happy Anniversary to me!

Today is my 5yr wedding anniversary. My husband and i met 12 yrs ago and married 5yrs ago. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. We're leaving to go on a cruise in a few hours!  :) I'm going to enjoy this cruise 80lbs lighter than i was last time i went on a cruise. New bathing suit, new confidence, just me and him. We haven't taken a trip alone since our honeymoon. And I hope to rekindle some of that spark.

Today is weigh in day. I had a goal to be 175lbs by this trip. I'm 4lbs off from that goal. I also only  lost .5lbs from last week. but thats ok because i KNOW i've been building muscle. been pushing myself in the gym and i'm feeling a difference. my thighs are feeling tighter and muscular and my arms too. its awesome. 

i do have to say. your brain adjusts to the weight loss so fast that you get impatient. instead of saying wow i've lost 80lbs you think ok i have 20 more till i hit 100. why did i only lose 1/2 a lb this week? why doesn't my face look skinnier than last week? i'm more judgmental of my appearance now than i ever was. 

can't wait till i get to my goal (which i'm hoping will be by the one year mark in august) so i can have plastics (i'm hoping by oct/nov) so i  can start trying for a baby in jan!!! i can't wait!! this is what keeps me going during my workouts.

but for now i'm gonna sit back, get a nice tan, enjoy my husband, relax and live in the moment on this cruise.

have a nice weekend!

How to get rid of that double chin

So I've been losing weight and things are shrinking. But I still have lots of excess skin. Some of that shit I just can't help. my stomach and back are gonna have to get surgically fixed. my inner thighs are a mess. i'm working on my arms and legs. getting tighter. building muscle. but there's one thing i just can't seem to shake, this damn double chin. i keep thinking when i lose more weight it'll go away. but i think there's just too much loose skin. i don't want to get any surgery on my face. so i went looking for exercises to help reduce the double chin. and i found some stuff. thought i would share.

Exercise No. 1

While standing up, pull your head slightly back such that your face is tilted towards the ceiling.

Now try to kiss the ceiling by stretching your lips and puckering up. Hold for five seconds. Repeat five times.

Remember to leave the other facial muscles that are not engaged in this exercise as relaxed as possible. 

Exercise No. 2

This exercise can be done on a seated or standing position. Pull your spine straight up and leading with the chin, gently rotate your head from one shoulder to another.

Do not hurry while performing this exercise, and make only slight, precise movements. Work your way to doing full head rolls. Stick to semi circular motions if full circular rotations bother your neck. Do a full roll three to five times.

I tried these and you can really feel your neck stretching. I just have to keep at it and be consistent if i want to see any results.

For more of these exercises check out the site here. Also here's another site with more exercises. 

babies babies everywhere but not a drop to drink

just found out that a friend is pregnant. i'm so happy for her. i was routing for her to get pregnant. this is so exciting! so why did the news hit me like a blow to the stomach????

i told myself on new years eve that this year i would focus on ME. no house buying, no babies, just me. and i truly believed that. i was all about me. i was ready to put me first.

but now those pains are coming back. of wanting something so bad. i think about babies, i dream about babies. i want my own baby. and when i look at my husband and how far he's come. from making a face everytime i say baby to saying "so when are we going to have one?", i melt. i want to have a baby with him  so bad. he's ready. and i know he's going to be excited and enjoy it and be suuuch a good dad. i'm so in love with him.

i'm fighting with myself constantly. the part of me who wants everything to be perfect before i have a kid (house, body, job), and the part of me that says who cares about any of that i want my baby. i can already tell i've changed because last year i said we MUST be in a house for a baby. now i'm saying lets just rent a 2 bedroom. babies can survive in an apt. my husband was like "who are you?".

i know its not time. i have to keep pushing these feelings down. its only march! i have to wait till next year. i told myself that. i want to get to my goal weight. i want to have plastics. i want to be right with me first before i bring another life into this world. i can't wait though. i'm so looking forward to the end of the year. but for now i just have to work hard and stay focused and reach my goal. and the other stuff will happen. i keep wanting it and it keeps getting pushed back and pushed back. and i'm getting so antsy. but my time will come.

my gym solution

so instead of getting jack3d i found something else that works.

1st step, eat food. or drink protein shake. having food in my stomach helps give me energy to burn  when i'm at the gym. however it doesn't really give me the energy to get up and go to the gym. and especially the protein shakes. they make me groggy.

so on to step 2. digest and drink a shot of chai tea. i just discovered vanilla chai tea last weekend. its black tea which gives it a richer flavor. and it goes great with milk. i brew the tea, put some milk in there, then i hit it with a packet of stevia and a packet of splenda. bam. heaven. and since it has caffeine it really perks me up. i like how its a tea, so its natural. and it has just enough caffeine to perk me up without making me jittery. its less than a cup of coffee which i like. also i kind of feel like i'm drinking coffee which is cool. lol.  i used to do a big mug of it (16oz) but i figured out if i just steeped it in 4oz of water i could just have a nice delicious shot. i didn't want the water to wash away all my food. usually when i drink 16oz my stomach is empty afterwards.

i had to of course learn by trial and error when to drink chai and when not to.

can't drink it after 3pm on weekdays or i won't sleep at night. so even though its utterly delicious i can't have it unless i wake up early enough. i also learned to drink it right before my workout. and you know it really does the trick!

today i KILLED it in the gym. i love it. my body is tired. love that feeling. i know i kicked ass when my body is tired. :)

just had a moment of tears

last night i had this dream. i was sitting on a couch next to my husband and right in between us, propped up on the cushion was this little tiny baby. and she (i think it was a she) was falling asleep and her little head was drooping fwd. and she kept waking herself up a little and putting her head up and then drifting off again. it was so precious. i saw myself  staring at her and reacting to every movement she made. and looking at my husband and the amount of love radiating was immeasurable. for a moment i got a glimpse of the amount of love newborn parents feel. she was so soft and smelled so good. she was my whole heart. it was just so beautiful and i keep trying to remember that feeling but its fading.

i've wanted to be a mom so bad for years. when i finally get pregnant it will be well earned. i want a baby more than anyone i know.

today in the car i was driving home from taking my husband to work and i started thinking about my dream and this song came on the radio and i just started crying. but they weren't sad tears. i cried because i couldn't believe how much i've accomplished, how much weight i've lost and how much closer i am to my goal and to having a child the way i wanted to have one. and i was just so overwhelmed. so grateful. when you want something for so long you think its never gonna happen. you think you're not worthy of it. and i couldn't believe it was actually happening. just overwhelming. surreal.

i guess i never slowed down and took it all in. it still hasn't really hit me. i've lost 80lbs. thats alot. i've changed my whole life. the way i eat, cook, etc. everyone is so proud of me. it means so much to hear that but i never stopped and realized the hugeness of it all. amazing. so grateful. so grateful.

Friday Weigh in

Ok so i told myself i didn't care what the scale said because i was feeling my body change. i thought i might not even weigh in. but i did and it finally moved! i went from 2 weeks of 181.5lbs to 179.5lbs. so i'm finally out of the 180s. yay. i had a goal last month to be at 175lbs by my cruise next friday. at the time the weight was coming off ahead a schedule and i was confident i would achieve this and then some. but that clearly is not going to happen. and thats ok. i'm just glad the numbers are moving. its nice to be able to say i've officially lost 80lbs! woohoo!! :) finally. and it feels really good to be in the 170s even if its barely. because  wow. amazing. now i just gotta tackle the 170s.

i'm so motivated to push myself in the gym. i hate the days when i can't go because i'm too busy like yesterday and today. i'm gonna have to make up for that by going  this weekend.

today is my 6 month follow up with my surgeon. even though its 7 months. at first they told me i could stop taking chewable vitamins after 6 months. then 6 months came around and they said oh no..8 months. now 8 months is around the corner and i bet they're gonna try to extend it. but fuck that. i'm not doing that shit anymore. i hate having to go to the drs office 30 min away just to buy vitamins. eff that. i want to be able to just go to the store and get them. i don't know if i'll be able to even handle a regular multi because they're horse pills and i have problems taking pills. especially now that i can't gulp water anymore. i don't like pills to even touch my tongue or i gag and throw them up. i need to get a bunch of water in my mouth, throw the pill in and swallow.

they're gonna weigh me. of course probably right after lunch. so the number won't be the same as mine. but thats ok their scale has always been giving diff numbers than mine. but i started with my scale so my scale is the one that matters to me. other than that i expect the usual banter. and probably some blame for stalling. and somehow they'll make me feel like i'm not doing enough. not gonna even let them get to me.

my dr's office is in the same building as a whole foods so it gives me an excuse to go. so i'm more excited about that. lol.

ok everyone, have an awesome friday! :)


*update* typical doctor apt with my surgeon. they kept me waiting an hour. then his assistant, bc i never actually see the surgeon, tells me the same shit. you should have lost more by now. as if i'm supposed to lose ridiculous numbers a month. i'm sorry i'm not a RNY patient. i don't lose that fast. then she has the nerve to tell me to cut out carbs. you dumb bitch. i probably eat better than any of her fucking patients. so i gave her an earful. i said look i've been eating meticulously for months. its NOT what i eat. she didn't even bother saying anything supportive like "stalls happen, just keep going" or "you're doing well, don't get hung up on numbers, you notice your body changing so thats good" or "everyone loses differently". nope. only criticism. i told her everyone loses at a different pace. i stood up for myself. i was not going to sit there and be talked down to when i've done nothing wrong. and them of all people should be more supportive. ugh fucking jerks. and then they assume that i'm gonna do my plastic surgery with them. psh yeah right.

body changing

i know i already said it but i'm feeling all sorts of changes in my body. my thighs, my booty, my tummy. i'm shrinking and tightening up. its subtle. its not so much that my body is shrinking but its redistributing. its changing shape. so that makes me happy. its validation. even if i'm not seeing the numbers i want i know i'm on the right track.

it also makes me super motivated. can't wait to hit the gym and build more muscle. i'm loving it.

Key Lime cheesecakes!!!

Sugar free of course. But thats if you make them without the crust. Or if you follow Carborella's original recipe (linked in the entry i'm about to link to) and use nuts as crust. Personally I think graham crackers add a lot of lovely flavor so I crush them and use them as crust.

I'm not really a cheesecake person so i would eat at most 1 of these. But all of my non wls friends and family loooove these. If you're a cheesecake lover and can see yourself eating lots of these I would go with nut crusts or no crust just to be on the safe side.

For the recipe and more pics check out my Tumblr page Low Carb Food Porn.

ha! gettin' it tight and right

I don't care if the scale hasn't moved in weeks, i don't care if the measuring tape doesn't show any loss of inches. you know why? because i'm noticing clothes getting a little looser. but probably the best thing was when i felt around my ass and my upper thighs. i used to feel this loose skin. really loose. like i could pull it and it stays out. doesn't bounce back. i still have some loose skin but its a lot less! i can't really pull it anymore, not enough to pull! woohoo!! we're gonna make it tight and right! thats my motto. tight and right.

For Grace

Thanks for all the info about Jack3d! Its much appreciated. Staying hydrated is key apparently. So I'm assuming you didn't have any side effects. I'm wondering how many oz of water are required to stay hydrated. Whats your idea of hydrated? Right now I drink 88oz. I think thats pretty good. But I heard someone say on another site that I should drink a gallon. OOOOF. thats impossible. but i think she was talking about if i took two scoops.

I *might* be able to up it to 96oz. maybe. but i certainly can't do a gallon. maybe one day but not now. its hard enough to get my waters in.

How much do you drink to not have side effects from Jack3d?

Friday weigh in

Welps, just as i anticipated there was no change since last time.

But thats ok. I *just* figured out what i was doing wrong and its gonna take some time to show. so we'll see by next friday's weigh in whats up.

What my nutritionist said about Jack3d

"Hi Melissa, Sorry I was unable to get back to you sooner but I had been out for a few days and coming back was a little crazy. About this product. To be honest, I normally do not recommend this type of product to my bariatric patients. In reading the ingredients I noticed that it contains creatine. 
Although, many products and food have this it can have it's side effects. This product may have a dehydrating effect on the body and unfortunately many bariatric patients are already dehydrated. Also, the level of creatinine is increased on the urine and this may cause kidney problems. I would recommend that you stick to whey protein shakes instead if possible. If u decide to take it please make sure to follow the instructions for the dosing. Please let me know if you have any further questions."



What do you think?? She has a tendency to be overcautious. She thinks I shouldn't eat sugar alcohols too and i've never really had a problem with them.

So what do you think? I mean she did say if i took it to follow the dosing. I would only take 1/2 a scoop or 1 scoop. I wouldn't do 2 or 3 like some people do after a while.

its working already!

today i had lunch. an actual meal. its what i used to eat for breakfast. i had one slice of wheat bread with 1 serving of egg whites on top, and a slice of melted cheese on top. i ate it with a fork and knife. i even threw in 2 strips of bacon! talk about satisfying. as a result about 10 min after i finished eating i was full and had energy. sometimes at night when i get full i get sleepy. but this wasn't stuffed full. it was just satisfied full. there are different fulls depending on what you eat. for example salmon and steak make me ooof full and kind of sleepy. shrimp and egg whites make me just satisfied full.

so anyway bam i  put on my workout clothes and did a full workout! sweet! go me! :) i like this new plan. i think it will work. scary thing is when i went to do weights i noticed i was weak. i was having a very hard time doing reps i would normally do like nothing. and i usually lift weights whenever i work out which has only been like once a week lately. but i haven't felt that weakness since my first workout after surgery. i think the few calories i was eating was causing my body to eat the muscle tissue and thats not good at all. so i have to build up my strength again. one thing i love is feeling strong. skinny or not i love feeling stronger. i love having muscle and one thing i hate is feeling weak. so i'm glad i'm changing my ways! good thing i figured this out now.

thanks body, you always know when something's not right. i just have to listen to you.

vitamin b12, jack3d and my new plan

So I'm a VSGer and my doctor has me taking vitamin b12 along with a mutli and an iron. i also take Vitamin D because i have a defficiency since before surgery. 

Well since taking this new protein powder, i guess maybe because there's so much protein in it, i get sluggish. resulting in my workouts dropping into sometimes no workouts a week. Which at first didn't bother me because i lost 4lbs the first 2 weeks of taking this new protein. but then i started to stall. this is simply no good. but i find myself sluggish and fatigued and lazy during the day and not wanting to move let alone workout. except for sundays which for some reason i wake up ready to go.

so i decided i needed to take some action. i read Amy W's blog about Jack3d. its this pre-workout powder thats supposed to give you this surge of energy so you get all jacked up in the gym. she loves it. and it made me really curious. i looked it up and the reviews are so positive. and it just so happens they sell this stuff at the vitamin shoppe. i saw it in like 5 flavors. one of them being grape bubble gum. umm hello...i LOVE grape bubble gum! I smelled the cannister, smelled like grape nerds! ingredients: citric acid, caffeine and then a bunch of stuff i can't pronounce. i'm super tempted. i certainly could use the surge of energy not to mention the flavor excites me. but at the same time i have a small tummy and my system is different than most non surgery ppl as well as lapband ppl and i have to be very cautious of what i put in my body. i want to make sure its safe first and that i'm not harming myself. i tried posting in a WLS forum about it and go no responses. i even sent an email to my nutritionist asking if it was ok and still no response. i'm so close to just buying the damn thing.

i decided in the meantime i could just up my vitamin b12. i looked it up and even if you took massive amounts you wouldn't be harming yourself. which of course i wouldn't do but i just wanted to make sure 2 doses wasn't gonna poison me. so i upped my daily dose from one 1,000mg pill to two. thinking i would get energy and it would be good for me and blah blah blah. so i did it for a week. the result? i didn't feel any energy boost at all. instead i slept till about 1pm every day. i looked it up and b12 has melatonin in it. which helps you sleep. which probably explains why i sleep through the night now as opposed to before surgery. back then i couldn't sleep more than 6 hours. now i get a full 8 hours. but since upping b12 i was sleeping till 1pm and i felt like i could have slept even more! which you can imagine was not good for my schedule. i still wasn't working out, but i was sleeping more. i decided this wasn't working for me. so yesterday i stopped taking it. and today i was able to wake up at 11am for The View. first time all week. so yeah back to my normal dose.

meanwhile i've started to take 4oz of milk with 1/2 scoop of protein the morning hoping that that wouldn't make me as sluggish so that i can go workout and take the other 4oz later in the day. so far meh. not really doing much for me. 

so here i am in the same predicament. i wish i could workout at night since thats when i seem to have the most energy but the gym in my building started this new policy where you can't go in passed 10pm because people complain about the lights. yeah right whatever. so maybe instead of trying to work out first thing in the morning like i did before. maybe i'll wait till 5pm or something and try then.

another theory someone threw at me was that maybe i'm not getting enough calories and my body is going into starvation mode. i don't know if thats necessarily the case although i would say i don't eat much and i couldn't possibly eat less. which is why stalling frustrates me. i have my protein shake, then maybe a slice of cheese, water water, maybe another slice, maybe some peanuts, water, vitamins, maybe some apple chips, at the end of the night i'll have an oz or 2 of meat for dinner but i could just as easily eat a slice of cheese and some peanuts. if i'm super hungry fast i'll have some protein chips. but thats rare. and then at night once i've drank all my waters i might have a cup of special k. or the other day i had a s'more using graham crackers, sf chocolate and a sf marshmallow. so as you can see i don't eat much. just snacks pretty much. and i was thinking about it, before this new protein shake i was eating breakfast and dinner. 2 meals. now i just eat one if that. and i've been steadily losing weight for 5 months b4 this new protein. and yeah in the beginning i the pounds dropped but then i think my body adjusted to the fewer calories. so that might be why i'm stalling. it might also be why i have so little energy. not enough calories to burn. certainly not enough carbs. 


so my new plan is this. just drink 4oz of protein shake in the morning. have breakfast. and then have dinner. snack when i have to and see how that works. see if i have more energy. people tell me i should be getting most of my protein from food so we'll try that. and see what the results are next friday when i go in for my bloodwork.


also if i don't hear back from my nutritionist i'm just gonna get the jack3d. i'd rather eat more calories and burn more calories than do nothing and eat nothing. just because i feel too tired. i'm a little confounded about it though. in my mind eating less is better. and i've noticed i can tolerate things i didn't used to. i know my pouch has stretched a little. i like eating very little. it makes me feel like i'm working my sleeve. but in this case it might be healthier to eat a couple of bigger meals  than a bunch of tiny snacks.


and now that i think of it maybe i wake up ready to go on sunday because saturdays i usually have breakfast with my husband as well as dinner. so i get more calories in.


if this plan doesn't work i'm gonna attempt another 5 day pouch test. which might be easier than last time since now i have a protein powder that i like and that is very filling. wish me luck!

My end of year goal

Once I get to my ideal goal weight and get the nip/tuck done, i want to take a trip to a tropical paradise with my husband. i want to wear a different bikini for every day we're there and i want to make a baby. :)

what a great thing to look forward to and strive for. i love it!

i've never ever ever worn a bikini and i never will until i get this gut removed. and fuck all those people who say "just wait till you have a kid, its gonna stretch out anyway". fuck that! i want a chance to be normal dammit. i DESERVE that. i deserve to be sexy. i deserve to be able to heal without trying to take care of a small child. i deserve to be selfish because this is the year of meli. and i can handle the stretching, the normal wear and tear that comes from pregnancy. but fuck, give me a normal starting point. right now i'm stretched beyond normal. i'm not a superficial person. if i get stretched out, and i will, after being pregnant thats ok with me. i can live with whatever damage is done. i'm not gonna get it fixed again. i just want to start with a great body. its only fair.

i want to be a hot sex machine. i've been struggling a lot. my sex drive has plunged for the past 10 yrs. especially the last 5 when i was diagnosed with vaginismis. which = painful sex. its painful, i get swollen and sometimes he gets stuck in there. i HATE this condition so hard. because before even when i wasn't in the mood i would throw him a quickie. but i can't do that now. i hate it. for me to have non painful sex i need to get really worked up and that just doesn't happen because my sex drive is so low. i'm just not interested. and i feel like my brain and my body are fighting. there's part of me thats a huge sexy exhibitionist sex kitten. but she is so suppressed. and i hate that he thinks that i just don't like sex. i know thats not true. i want to WANT to have sex. i hate that i'm broken like this.

trust me, i wish i could just stick it in there whenever. i would love to have that kind of sex life with him. i LOVE my husband. i want to be his sex kitten. the smaller i get the sexier i feel but i feel like i'm really held back by this stomach and massive gut apron. i truly despise that thing. it makes me totally unproportioned. i can't wear underwear and look sexy. i can't wear anything thats not loose on my bottom half. and it sucks!!! dammit! i know there's (sorry for the tmi) a pretty kitty under there and a workable ass. and i feel like dammit i can't really work it with this crap hanging down over me and weighing me down. i can't even do sexy dance moves because i have more butt in the front than in the back! its totally wrong. and i feel like it affects me more than i think. because the more i can reach of myself the sexier i feel. and i truly feel like once i get that thing removed i will feel sooooo sexy. and he's like yeah right whatever, yet one more thing that will solve all your problems. but he's wrong. because i know what i feel. i want to feel as sexy on the outside as i do on the inside. i want to let that sex kitten out baby! believe me, she's in there!

so aug will be a year. i'm hoping to be close to goal by then. then i have 4 months to lose the last of it, get plastics done, heal, and complete my goal. bikini shopping.

this year i'm all about me. i said no house, no baby. just gonna concentrate on improving me. and that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is this trip. and believe me i am going enjoy it. i so enjoyed christmas eve last year. i worked hard to get there. i got a new dress, did my hair and my make up and it ended up being everything i had hoped. so thats what i'm expecting with this goal. i don't care if it happens late this year or early next year. there is no expiration date. i'm just gonna go till i reach this goal. i'm so looking forward to it. i deserve it. and my husband will be more than happy to finance the bikinis and the trip. :)

another sad weigh in

i lost .5lbs. i weighed again later. 1lb. so 1lb lost. well..on the one hand i shouldn't complain because i usually lose .5-2lbs a week. but  the week before last i only lost .5lbs, and last week i lost NOTHING! and even with going to the gym and eating hardly anything i only lose .5lbs? ugh come on man. whats going on? when is this gonna go away? when am i gonna lose the rest of this weight? i was on such a roll, only 40lbs away from goal. and its taken me a month to lose 3lbs?!! this is bad. very bad. :(

upping my b12

i'm thinking of doubling my dose of b12. i've been taking this protein shake and i've noticed that ever since i started i haven't really been working out. it just makes me sluggish. maybe because its so heavy, i don't know. so i'm thinking of doubling my b12 dose to up my energy. what do you think? would that be bad?