um.. how old is willy chirino?

he's not that old. right? he can't be. 40s? 50s?

the point is the man looks good. damn good. he's aged well.

HOLY CRAP!! according to Wikipedia he's 61!!!! OMG!!! he's 61 dude.

he looks amazing. he's like a cuban george clooney.

My cousins are so funny

So I'm watching The View and Patty Lupone is on. I don't know anything about her except that her face looks familiar. Apparently she's a big Broadway star. But honestly when I hear Patty Lupone all I can think about is this hilarious blog entry by my cousin Juani.

"WHY THE FUCK IS PATTI LUPONE FAMOUS?
I'M SORRY BUT SOMEBODY HAD TO SAY IT! WHY IS PATTI LUPONE FAMOUS? It is really rather puzzling. I understand that she was in Evita and was absolutely brilliant, but how is it that every American knows who she is? She has never done televsion, or movies...she hasn't really done much...nothing much besides performing for grandparents in solo concerts at the West Palm Beach Convention Center. The same goes for Chita Rivera, why is she famous? She was a supporting lead in West Side Story and she wasn't even very good. Oh thats right, she was in thirty other shows, but wait none of them lasted for more than a minute on Broadway (including Kander and Ebb's masterpiece: THE RINK, co-starring LIZA MINNELLI and at least we know why she is famous: JUDY GARLAND, need i say more ). And yet we pay thousands to see them in cabaret shows at the Kennedy Center, then we go to to the stagedoor only to have them blow smoke in our faces. It's a shit show. I love them both, but why are they famous?

love,

juan

btw, I AM JUAN TORRES-FALCON. just wanted to let you know."

I have funny cousins.

I'm better now

That was fleating. I actually had a really nice bday.

We went to Bangkok Bangkok (me, ed, mom, dad, marlena, abuela, tio benjamin, michelle, mariquita) and it was fun. something different. Thai food for those of you who don't know. My family never goes to Thai places. Chinese. Thats as exotic as it gets. lol. We had my favorite Thai Iced Tea! yum!


My mom gave me $75 in old navy gift cards. woohoo! i went right home and bought stuff online.


Michelle gave me a $25 american express gift card. :)


And Ed gave me the bestest most bestest gift of all!!!! A Wacom drawing tablet!!!!


Check out some of my drawings

"Woman"


"Face"


"Butterfly"


"French Girl"


"Pizza In The Conference Room"


"Powder Blue Tuxedo"


"Belly Envy"


"Flat Iron Sale"

its my birthday- and i'm depressed

its my birthday but i just feel like listening to coldplay and crying. i feel like i need a good cry. i've been needing one since friday. the sex and the city movie. i held in a lot of crying. then my sister just gets me to the point where i want to cry because she's so mean and just constantly attacking every little thing.

and my best friend has been really selfish lately. she didn't even remember my birthday. we were on the phone at midnight.

and because ed's been under a stressful deadline the passed two weekends i've hardly spent any time with him. just eating and sleeping. and i've been pretty cool about it this weekend. i don't think i nagged him. but now that its my birthday i'm just starting to break down. because this is the one day i want to feel special. i think everyone should feel special on their birthday. but i just feel like today will be just like any other day because everyone else has other shit on their mind. and its just making me sad. because i don't want my bday to be just another day. thats sad. every single day is just another day. if every day becomes blah then what are we living for?

i just need to feel something. i'm so depressed right now. i'm not sure. but i just want to crawl into bed with all the lights off, listen to crying music, and cry.

i'm sick of being walked all over by people. by my sister, by my friend, by my husband's schedule. i'm just mad. its too much. i'm sick of just shutting up and taking it.

Town Pride

So i'm on this whole In The Heights kick. I'm curious about this real life place. So I'm looking up stuff on youtube.

Here are some of he facts I've gathered:

-The south side has a large black population
-The west side has a large Jewish population
-Although there are a mix of latinos including Mexicans and Puerto Ricans, Dominicans seem to dominate.

Another thing I saw was that people who live there or have lived there all speak very fondly of their town. They love their town and those who have moved away miss it. Because they had that sense of community and a sense of belonging and culture.

Now...it reminds me of Boston. Because although I'm not from there, I lived there for 6 yrs, I miss it. Whenever people talk about Boston I always feel like I'm in on the joke because I'm a Bostonian. I feel a real sense of pride. And thats what was so special about Boston. Such community and such a sense of pride. From the Irish to the Italian to the Black to the Latino to the Asians. They had a local TV station BNN (Boston Neighborhood Network) and they were always doing stories on the different towns. They did stories on the communities and all the different things that were going on in the city from Theatre productions to Youth Programs to outdoor markets. People really cared and took part in their community as well as local politics. That is the greatest thing Boston ever gave me. A sense of community.

Although I missed Miami and my culture and my people, coming back wasn't the same. Sadly Miami just does not have that same sense of pride. Not to say that they don't have pride in their culture. They all do. They all think their own culture is the best. But there's no pride in the city itself. And certainly no sense of community. Down here its like every man for himself. People don't take pride in their work, or pride in their service, many don't take pride in their homes. We let parts of the city go to complete shit. and just leave it there. Why? Because we're too busy building condos that no one can afford! People here are selfish. It's all about money. Dog eat dog. When I hear people from Miami talk about Miami its always to complain. Complain about the people, the traffic, the politics, the housing market. Hell I am certainly guilty of this. I wish we could have what Boston has or what Washington Heights has.

Maybe one day I'll find a happy medium. A place with a sense of community and pride as well as a latino culture.

This makes my heart sing

I know this is extremely premature but it's never too soon to start researching. I already know I want to have a natural childbirth. A water birth actually. At first I was set on a home birth but now I'm leaning more towards going to a birthing center. They're better equipped to deal with anything that comes up (not that a midwife at home isn't prepared, its more for piece of mind) and not only that but God forbid I need to be rushed to a hospital there's a major hospital less than a mile away! It's perfect!

Not only that I spoke to a woman here in miami who had her first baby there 7 months ago. She has nothing but wonderful things to say about the experience. She said the place was really nice, they have jacuzzis in every room (for water birth) they have tvs, and soft music, soft lighting, and you have the freedom to make all the choices. She was treated very nicely and had a very pleasant experience. Her advice to me was to take advantage of the free classes they offer. Her only regret was that she didn't take the classes and thus never did the birthing exercises that would have helped her have an easier birth.

Then while doing some more research I read 3 reviews for this particular birthing center. They were all rave reviews. You can read them here.

That cinches it. I have decided this is where I'll give birth. I might still decide later on that I want a home birth, in that case the midwife from the center will come to my home so i'll be using this center regardless. I know that I DO NOT want to give birth in a hospital unless absolutely necessary.

Hearing all these wonderful things about this place makes me so very happy. I'm really excited about birth now. That's soooo weird isn't it? Giving birth was my biggest fear for so long. I wanted to be pregnant but I didn't want to give birth. And now, even though I know it will be painful, knowing that I'll be doing it in the most comfortable way possible gives me piece. And knowing that its better for my baby and will make for a more spiritual and wonderful experience makes me look forward to giving birth.

I already know know when I want to get pregnant. January of 2010. Its pretty cool to be able to plan all this stuff. It probably won't all go as planned. But having a plan is never a bad thing. :)

feeling unworthy

OBGYNS and i have a bad history. the first one i ever went to...treated me like complete crap and scarred me for life. she made me feel like i didn't deserve care. that i wasn't worthy of her time. maybe i should have gone to a gynecologist but i was young and thought, why go to someone who just does gyno when you can go to someone who does gyno and obstetrics? so i wasn't important to her at all because i wasn't pregnant. but thats no reason to treat me that way. and she wasn't even a doctor. she was a nurse practitioner. she made me feel less than. not only that she made me feel like i was some horrible monster because of my weight. and that it was an awful experience for her to have to even look at me. that experience will never leave me. and has traumatized me.

then i remember thinking i didn't deserve to look pretty on my wedding day. that was for skinnier prettier girlier girls. i should just find something that fits and try to hide myself as much as possible. thats really how i felt. like i didn't deserve the princess experience. i know it was wrong of me to think that.

when i was younger i felt like i didn't deserve love. because of my weight. and i thought the only way i could find love was to try to look for other guys who looked like me. but that was no guarantee.

and now i feel like i don't deserve to be pregnant. because of my weight. its a personal choice. but it seems to not even be a choice. its a given. like um..if you want a baby you can't have one looking like that. which i understand. and i agree. and i'm working on it. i definitely need some help. but anyway i'm just feeling really discouraged by the lack of support from my mother and my mother in law. i mean, just get passed the whole weight thing. assume that by the time i'm 30 i will have lost some weight. now think about the whole pregnancy thing. can you be supportive then?? i'm hard enough on myself. and now with the way people are reacting. its very hurtful. i feel very unworthy. i feel like i'm some kind of idiot to think i could have a baby. who am i to deserve such happiness? i don't work. i'm very overweight. i don't deserve anything. and i know they think that. because thats all they throw in my face all the time. the only way to measure success for them is if i lost weight or got a job. they can't see passed that.

so as i find myself getting all worked up and excited for something thats so close i can almost taste it, i get so heartbroken because i feel like i'll never achieve that. and i've waited so long. i can't even express to you how much i want to be pregnant and have a baby. i've been feeling this since i was 22. but i pushed it down. and now i can't push it down anymore. ask anyone..the one thing i would want to do if the world was ending is to get pregnant. i've been so patient and rational. i've been good. i graduated college, got married, moved back home. haven't i earned it? don't i deserve it?