whats the point

i wish i didn't care so much. thats what causes all my pain. caring. if i didn't care about other people, i wouldn't try to help them and i wouldn't get shit on. if i didn't care what people thought about me i wouldn't care when they're dicks to me. i wouldn't care that i'm not appreciated. i wouldn't care that the only time people say things about me its to say something negative.


if i was the kind of person who could suffer in silence i probably would have killed myself by now.

i'm so sensitive. to a fault. people can make me feel bad so easily. i also feel bad for others. i feel other people's pain. i would never hurt people intentionally. but i feel like i get shit on all the time. and the only one who suffers is me. i'm never gonna change. i can't change. god made me this way. i'm sorry if you don't like it. i'm so sick of people making me feel bad about myself. i'm a good person. it takes so little for someone to make me feel horrible. and alone. i feel alone often.

i don't do well with negativity. i don't handle it well. i close off. i want to run away. or worse.

the best way to deal with someone like me is positive reinforcement. instead of telling me what i do wrong, why don't you praise what i do right. guide me in the right direction. because i'm way more willing to listen to reason or follow direction when i'm not being attacked. the people who got the most work out of me were people who praised me when i did well. it made me want to do well all the time. and i worked really hard to do well.

and thats what it all comes down to. the balance is way off. the level of negative shit people say to and about me way outweighs the positive. and it just wears me down. wears me down. sometimes i get so low i don't have the will anymore. i just don't have the will.

Theme for my 30th bday party

i know its a year away but i want it to be memorable. my sis already did the black and red party, my friend adrian did the white and black ball. so i want to make mine really stand out.

i'm thinking it should be a costume party.

theme 1: fashion disasters. dress as your favorite fashion faux pas.

somethings gotta change

i want a baby. i want a house. i want a job. but why? i have this thing where i need change or i get bored. not a good reason to have a kid. but i've noticed this about myself. i can't enjoy my life unless i shake things up.

sigh.....i don't know if i'll ever be happy. it seems like i can only be happy for a couple of months. and if nothing changes i get bored and unhappy.

right now something needs to change. i don't know what. but something.

Could a career in 3D animation be in my future?

I know I don't want to make movies. I have no interest in production. If I were to make my own movies/videos its because I have a story I want told and I'm the only one I know who can do it. And I have LOTS of ideas. The fastest way to get something done is to do it yourself. But I would do it on my terms. Focusing on what I deem important and not caring less about what "filmmakers" do.

I've concluded that if I were to work in film it would be doing visual effects. The stuff I've really enjoyed in class so far have been graphics. It really engages my artistic/creative side. I've always wanted to be an artist or an animator but never had the drawing talent. My new "teacher" was telling me that visual effects are done mostly on PCs (which i found interesting) and using a program called MAYA. I looked into said program and I found this online course that would last 12 weeks and its done online and on the weekends. So I could do it when I have a job. And it teaches you the program. And you can come in there not knowing anything about it and they teach you what you need to know to get a job. I found this fascinating. Its fantastic.

I'm gonna keep going through the course. I mean I haven't even done After Effects or Shake so I don't even know if I'll like it or if it will be too overwhelming for me. Also I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll be happy just making dvd menus so who knows.


I figure once I'm done with the course and have more of an idea of what I wanna do I'll get a job. And if I want to go into visual fx and 3-d animation I will take this course online. I'll have the money, I can do it on the weekends, and I'll even buy myself a PC. I'm not in any rush to take this program. But its fantastic to know that its there at my disposal whenever I want to take it. Very cool. I don't think SAE will be the end of my education. This sort of thing used to be so completely out of reach for me. I couldn't even imagine where I would start. But now its not out of reach. I can't tell you how awesome that feels.

And I'll admit I do have fantasies of working in CGI. Everytime I watch these special features and see these people at the desks going through the cgi stuff they did i'm always like..i want THAT job. how cool would it be to actually do it?!! plus to have such a specialized skill in miami would make me super valuable.

I like the fact that I'm learning so much. I want to be well rounded. And skilled. Not just know a little of this a little of that...i want to be comfortable working in any of these programs.

School news: new teacher

my new teacher is 24. she went to sunset, then FIU (business degree), then some NY film school for a Masters. I'm too tired to get into all my issues with this girl. Bottom line is I don't want her as my new teacher. She seems perfectly nice but I don't want her to be my teacher. I'm having a hard time with this.

and the guys in class aren't talking to me anymore. so right now school really sucks. i don't like what we're learning, i don't like my new teacher, and the guys in class aren't talking to me anymore. today i got that horrible feeling i had while i was at emerson. i had forgotten that feeling because it was so long ago. that feeling of being alone and unliked. so depressing. so isolating. so horrible for someone like me who just wants to be liked. its a really......a really awful feeling. i don't want what started out as something so great to just deteriorate. i have 5 more months of this. i was so proud of myself. and now...now its just all going to shit. i sincerely hope this is just a rough patch. and things will get better.

*epic eye roll*

Ugh i'm so sick of making a big deal out of every little thing that someone does. i dunno. i guess i'm a bad selfish person in that way. but like...if you got a lot of attention for something that you did then cool. but i don't really wanna continue to praise you for the same shit over and over for weeks or months. especially if you're too busy to ever talk to me. enough already.

New bathing suit!!

I never realized how long I had that tired old bathing suit until ed told me that the first time we ever went in the pool together I was wearing that suit. That means I've had that thing for at least 10 yrs. 10yrs!! yes it was def time for a new bathing suit. I deserve it dammit!!!

After going through a huge mission with Lane Bryant only to find out that NONE of the stores in dade county have bathing suits! They wanted me to get one online. WHHHAAATT is the point?? Bathing suits are things you have to try on. FUCK Lane Bryant! I really wish someone would give them a run for their money.

Lucky for me I stumbled upon The Fashion Bug. I called and they told me they did have suits! Not only that but they go to size 34!! wow!! and it was in kendall!!! super! so i headed over there and they were having a big sale. i was disappointed to find that the selection they had in the store only went up to 26. in the cute ones anyway. so i said fuck it. i tried on a couple of tankinis in 26. and they both fit. but one was a halter and it put too much pressure on the back of my neck. luckily the other one was perfect. and super comfortable!! the bottoms are nice because its a brief with a skirt on top. so it covers the upper thigh area. the thing i love most about having a 2 piece is that if i have to pee or something its sooo much easier. ever tried to peel off a wet bathing suit then putting it back on?

i'm just blissfully happy. i think i look cute in it. and best of all i feel cute in it. and thats important. i wore it to the pool at my parents house. it was just me and ed. the true test will be how i feel wearing it in front of others. but i think it will go well. it covers up enough but not too much. i'm so happy!!

ps it was on sale for 25% off :)

and here it is!