ok i'm gonna sound like a broke record here and forgive me if i've said this many times. its on my mind right now and i feel like i have to get it out or it'll be on my mind all day.
ok so here's the deal. as you know, when i found out i had pcos something clicked in my head and i finally committed to getting healthy and losing the weight. this meant cutting way down on carbs, cutting portions and eating mostly meats and fruits and veggies. which was great. i never felt deprived. i never felt the need to eat the bad things because there was so much variety in the good things. i was happy. i didn't fall prey to temptation. life was good. but i longed for something more convenient. "just tell me what to eat and i'll eat it" was my motto. and i got what i asked for with HMR. they make it really easy and really convenient. but i find the food to be 5 diff versions of the same shit. drenched in cheap tomato sauce. i find myself getting nauseous at the thought of eating it. and i'm getting sick of veggies too!! ugh...
when i was doing it n my own i never felt like i was on a diet. i just felt like i was making better choices. it was never "i can't eat that" it was "no, i'm not eating that anymore". i'm finding myself miserable. and last night i was so close to eating bread with butter that i almost lost control. it was the hardest thing. living like this makes life miserable. i'm sorry, it does. its just a series of "i can't". i can't eat this i can't eat that. i can't get too excited about going to an outing because i know i can't enjoy myself fully.
i'm really afraid that this diet is gonna break me. its gonna break my momentum, my motivation, that awesome light switch that went off in my head. i don't want to lose that. its too important to me. i feel like this diet is damaging. like this will break me. and that will be the worst thing that could happen to me.
so...i feel like i should find another way. the HMR coaches make some good points. they say doing it the natural way isn't impossible but you're constantly bombarded with temptation and food and most ppl just can't do it on their own. and for most people, including the old meli, that would be true. but they don't realize that for me, something clicked. and i don't want to ruin that, and i hope i didn't already do too much damage. i did it on my own for a month and i was great! i'm fully confident i can continue that. yeah sure it won't be convenient. but....you can't have it all. either convenient and deprived or happy and have to prepare all your meals.
i thought about doing something else, like jenny craig. something with more variety and better tasting food. and maybe one day i will do that. but for right now, financially i can get by doing it on my own. maybe i'll keep some of the HMR food and replace some of my meals with it, the way ppl on maintenance do. but i just think it would do more damage than good to stay on this diet.
it might take me longer to lose the weight. i might not be 50lbs lighter by christmas like i was hoping for. but thats ok. as long as it goes down steadily. thats good. and i will continue to work out. hopefully i'll have more energy.
and thats it. what do you guys think?
