dear diary

i want to be pregnant!! most of the time i'm ok. but when i read about or hear about other ppl doing all these pregnancy related things thats when it really hits me. like...no fair...when is it gonna be my turn? then i have to just remember i'm the one stopping myself. for a reason. i want to be healthier...and i'm on my way. i want to have a job...and i'm workin on it. i want a house....this one is up in the air. frankly at this point...i'm willing to bend on that one.

i will say this to you diary. because i'm sure everyone else is sick of hearing it. i really really want to be pregnant. but here's the saddest most gut wrenching part.

the more i look into PCOS the more i fear that i won't even be able to get pregnant. there are people with pcos who have been trying to get pregnant for years. wouldn't that be the most vicious of ironies? all i've ever wanted was a baby. i wait and wait and work really hard so i can have one. and now i probably won't be able to have one of my own. its the saddest thing i can even think of. this condition already has me feeling like less of a woman. because i have no libido and therefore am a bad wife. not to mention all the physical side effects. i struggle every day with my femininity. but to not be able to get pregnant would be the dagger in my heart. then i wouldn't be able to do the one thing that makes me a woman.

i wish i could be normal. just normal. not special or anything. just normal.

Marriage rut

every marriage goes through periods of blah. we're going through one right now. not sure what caused it. if its something i did that bothered him (and he never told me), or the fact that i haven't been in the mood for sex in a while (guys feel closer to you after sex, go figure) or maybe there's no real reason. but its there. i don't think he notices, or cares. it could be one of those domino effect things. he's not affectionate toward me so i don't feel affectionate toward him but he's not affectionate because i'm not. its a vicious cycle. but i tried. i made the effort this weekend. i feel like he just wasn't interested. i should talk to him about it, but he just gets this blank stare like he has no idea what i'm talking about. so whats the point?

i know there are periods when he misses me and is happy to see me and wants to be around me. and then there are periods like now where we're just there. and it wouldn't make a difference if i was there or not. right now we're more like roommates than husband and wife.

i hope this lull ends soon. maybe it will end on its own. maybe i just have to wait it out. we'll see.

*edit* maybe its the depression. another side effect of PCOS and since this is my period week and i'm not on the pill, its probably that. i still think there's a lack of sweetness around here. but today i notice i'm having the blues. and i'm feeling lethargic.

Welcome back!

Been away for a while. Trying to get my shit together. and i have! :)

this has been a kick ass week!

Let's see... i've been working out every day this week. one day weights, one day aerobic cardio. its been rough. not gonna lie. hard to get back in the swing. i SO was not feeling it yesterday. plus i haven't been sleeping much and going to bed so late. but even though i went to bed late yesterday i woke up refreshed today. for once. i think its because i took like 2 naps yesterday. so i woke up at 8am today and got up. i went to the gym. it was so hot in there. the sun was just beaming in. but listening to your own music is a big help. it gets you going. so its not even time for The View and i already worked out and showered! :)

ok other than that...

I have been doing some actual work this week. I've done 2 things on the TO DO list i made after school was over.
1. order new business cards and 2. make a voice over page on my website. done and done!

then i did a rough cut of my music video for nathaniel and it came out great! he loved it! and it reminded me that i do have talent and i do enjoy editing :) got my juices flowing again.


i'm now working on the actual video which will contain little to no green screen footage.

SAE is STILL dragging their fucking feet with our refunds and certificates and i'm really getting pissed. he told me last week. now 2 weeks have gone by and nothing. I HATE THAT MAN. hate him. he's a giant fucking douchebag. i HATE having to depend on him. i wanna get my shit and i never wanna have to deal with him again.

but for the most part its been a great week!

back on track

last week was my transition week. i never ate anything bad, but i wasn't as strict as i used to be before hmr. my biggest splurge? sushi! :) not a bad splurge i think. although the thai iced tea was a sugary splurge for real. i need to transition into the way i was eating before. my choices aren't bad but i can make healthier ones. small changes, you know. also trying to get back to the small portions like before.

today i made it a point to wake up early and hit the gym. i did weights for the first time in weeks!! and boy i felt outta shape!!! it was rough. i felt like a weakling! lol. gotta change that. i wanna get back in fighting shape baby. i loved how i felt when i was strong and doing weights every day. gotta get back to that. doing aerobics is cool and it works parts of my body that i don't work at the gym but its not a replacement for doing weights. i need to find a way to juggle both.

also i did 30 min on the elliptical. working out the old fashioned way. it was work baby. work! but i did it! :) gotta get back in the routine. i miss feeling strong and sleek. i wanna feel that again.

this sketch really spoke to me

Michael & Michael Have Issues	Wed 10:30pm / 9:30c
Break-Up Sweatpants
www.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

yum yum eating real food again

just did a big grocery load. lots of yummy fruits, meats and yummy stuff. stuff i used to get. nothing like FRESH food and VARIETY!! i'm so happy!! i'm happy again! yay!!


fucking hmr made me sick of veggies. so right now i'm going heavy and on fruit and trying to slowly re-introduce veggies.

A new day has come

Yesterday was soooo rough. I can't even tell you. I was so nauseous all day. Everything made me wanna puke. I couldn't really, and didn't really eat. The only thing i was able to consume was Special K cereal (with no milk) and some diet soda. i guess because it was so different from what i've been eating for the past week. everything else was too similar. i couldn't even drink water. ugh it was awful. i was so miserable. i drank some spicy ginger tea last night and that helped. then i went to bed. oof.


but i'm happy to report that i woke up bright and early at 8:30 am feeling sooo much better!! i think i'm well on my way to getting back to normal. i want to forget that entire ordeal and put it all behind me. and not talk about it anymore. i'm being a little more flexible with my diet right now. still staying within the umbrella of healthy choices, but letting myself ride the border for now. until i feel healthy enough to transition back to where i started from before this whole fiasco. i hope to eat some real meat today. i think my body really needs it. i hope i can handle it. things are still sensitive for me. i feel like my stomach just got out of an abusive relationship. lol. i'm just trying to get back to normal.

thanks to everyone for being super supportive. it really really helps. i feel like so much healthier today.